Surprisingly enough, the shooting session went very well. Not once did Father criticise me, as I hit the target every time and scored an amazing eight bulls! I felt elated and proud. For once, I showed him I wasn't such a weak and useless character as he thought. I was right though. The rifle was powerful, and I would have hated to see the mess it would make of a live moving target. It was more of an army weapon, and I much preferred my old rifle.
"Alex, hold the stock a bit more into your shoulder. Here, let me show you. Remember, the key to good shooting is to pull the rifle against your shoulder so it moves back into you but doesn't punch you when the rifle fires. The strap helps brace it. Also, rifles are designed to fit people with the stock placed in the hollow between your shoulder joint and collar bone. This allows your cheek to be positioned comfortably against the stock comb. Your trigger arm and elbow position should ideally be parallel with the ground. But as we're all different, place your elbow where it feels natural and comfortable, not creating a strain. Of course, there are variations on both hand and arm placements, depending on whether you're doing field or informal shooting. My holds vary, depending on which rifle I'm using. I like to hold a lighter rifle further away from me. Try it for yourself."
As Father positioned himself behind me, I realised that this was one of the only times he had actually touched me, and I felt very strange at his nearness. I stiffened at his touch, and he must have sensed my nervousness, as he immediately let go his hold and stared at me with a puzzled expression. To cover my embarrassment, I asked him if my position was correct.
"Yes Alex. That's very good."
I took aim and missed.
"Bad luck," he said. "Shall we call it a day? We've spent over an hour and you're going to feel sore tomorrow."
Agreeing hastily, I thanked him, said I would clean the rifle myself, and fled.
~~~~~
I met Hermione a little later that morning as I was leaving my bedroom. She looked distracted and harassed, and I wondered if Father had been laying into her and Mother again. He really disliked Hermione for stealing Mother's affection and would have loved to see the back of her. Hermione, to me, was favourite aunt, friend and a second mother. I loved her dearly, probably more than anyone else, and if it was in my power, I would fight tooth and nail to keep her with us on the plantation.
"What's the matter Aunt Hermione, you look worried?" I said as I drew alongside. "Is it Father?" I added in a conspiratorial whisper.
She glanced behind her before whispering, "He's acting very strangely his morning. He kept giving your mother and me some very odd looks while we were supervising the kitchen staff. He didn't say anything, as he obviously didn't want to lose face in front of them, but I feel sure we're in for a rough ride later. I should keep well out of his way if I were you."
"Okay. He was all right when he gave me a shooting lesson earlier, but yes, thinking about it, he did give me an odd look just as we finished."
She peered at me. "Oh my dear, perhaps he suspects. Whatever will your poor mother do?"
"What about you two?" Aunt Hermione looked taken aback at my question and momentarily was at a loss for words.
"Don't worry, I'm thirteen now and quite grown up. I know all about things like that. It doesn't worry me you know. I thought it might, but as I've lived with it all my life, it seems quite natural."
Looking relieved, she gathered me into her thin, wiry arms and gave me an almighty hug. "Dear, dear Alex I've never forgotten your birth. You know you mean the world to me?"
"And you to me." I replied hugging her back. "Just be careful and warn Mother please."
"I will. Take good care." She left me and hurried on her way downstairs and outside.
I too was leaving the house. With guests due to arrive later in the day, I was going to keep out of everyone's way in case a task was given me. Perhaps it was mean-spirited, but I had a mission. I wanted to find Paul and ask him about Scarface and guns. I carried the new rifle with me to show to Paul. If necessary, I would ask him if it was one of the same he had bought that night, and I could then brag that Father had just bought a case for himself. Not strictly true of course, but it made the story sound better. I needed to find Paul, and I knew just where to find him.
Cobweb nickered as I entered the stable block and, nuzzled against my shirt seeking titbits. Giving him a shrivelled apple left over from yesterday, I hastily saddled him and opened the stable door. The grounds appeared deserted apart from a gardener or two, so throwing a leg over his back, I was up, astride and moving swiftly towards my favourite path. Hunching down in the saddle as if to make myself invisible, I waited for the cries calling me back. When none came, I breathed a sigh of relief and urged Cobweb into a canter. I knew Paul had the day off and planned on going fishing once again. A nearby rock pool was his favourite spot and he had bragged about some big fish congregating there. He had his eye on the biggest one. I had told him that because of the house party today, I wouldn't be able to meet him. How surprised and pleased he was going to be when I turned up. Cobweb must have been feeling frisky that morning, as he was game to canter at quite a lick. We approached the bend in the river in what seemed like only minutes. I slowed him to a walk to let him recover his breath, as he was sweating rather heavily and decided to dismount and walk the rest of the way.
The place was shady and cool after the intense sun, and for once, I wished I was a swimmer. It would have been nice to strip off and float in the cold water. Perhaps after I had explained all to Paul, I might find the courage to do so. I imagined what his body would look like undressed and naked. A peel of laughter broke the still air and I stopped. Someone, someone female was at our spot. I felt anger bubble up inside me. Who could have discovered the pool? It was well hidden and could only be approached via a thick grove of bamboo. Tying Cobweb's rein to a tree branch, I left him while I tiptoed forward to take a closer look.
Paul was there and he was definitely not fishing. True, he was in the water, but without a rod. Clasped in his arms was a golden-skinned girl with long black hair. They were both naked, and I felt bile rise up into my throat as I watched them with jealousy. He caught the pretty slim girl in his arms and carried her dripping to where a cloth was laid on the ground. Within minutes they were entwined in each other's arms making passionate love.
Fury shook me, and it was all I could do to stop myself from tearing down to their love spot. Here was Paul, my hero, my friend and lover of my sister, joined with another woman. A whole mix of emotions rushed through me. I knew I was never going to be as attractive as this woman who was making love with Paul, and I could see why Emma and Paul had been drawn to each other. I suppose Emma being Emma and my sister, I could forgive her, but this woman was a rank outsider.
Anger turned to self-pity and tears dripped down onto my nose and shirt. Never had I felt so jealous, so alone. In despair, I turned and retraced my footsteps to where Cobweb was lazily chewing on some bark. I didn't know what to do. I wanted to wail and tear my hair and call the woman all the foul names I knew, but deep down inside I knew she was innocent. She knew nothing of Emma and my own desperate love for Paul. Perhaps the stories were true and she was his wife. I walked back some of the way and then climbed despondently into Cobweb's saddle. Slowly, we plodded on until we arrived at the rock pool where my sisters swam. It was deserted and for once, I decided to forget about my puny strength and asthma and go swimming.
The water was deliciously cold, and as I could manage a few strokes of doggy paddle, I swam a few times around the perimeter. My self-pity had diminished somewhat and I was now looking at the whole scenario in a different light. I needed to claim Paul’s attention by letting him in on a secret, but which secret? Feeling cool and refreshed, I climbed out onto the flat rocks and dressed. I didn't want anyone to find me sitting here naked, and I would soon dry off in the sun. My feet were bare, pale and skinny-looking as I left them dangling in the pool. I let my mind go free and day-dreamed as the water flowed over them, lulling me into a
dream-like state. A crunch on the gravel behind alerted me and I spun round to find Paul walking towards me.
"Alex. I didn't expect to find you here. I thought you had guests." He flopped down next to me on the warm rock. Paul grinned, his hair hanging disreputably in his eyes. "Didn't Mother want you to help?" he asked in a mocking tone.
I shrugged. His teasing was harmless enough for the moment, but I could read the signs. He was emboldened by his recent sex with the woman. If I weakened, if I seemed annoyed by his silly banter, then he would revert to his former old self with sarcasm and perhaps even contempt.
"I didn't want to stay indoors and told her I was coming here for a swim," I lied carelessly. "Where were you?"
Paul was watching me like a housecat who wasn't sure whether to play with me or to pounce. I had a sudden, overpowering memory of him down at our rock pool with the woman, one hand casually caressing her naked brown breast, tawny in the dappled shade. No wonder he was attracted to her. How could I possibly compete? She had shared something with him, a secret, and a thing of power that I could never hope to duplicate.
Or could I?
~~~~~
…"Ah, be careful!" Paul's eyes widened as he watched me walk into the deep swirling water at the top of the falls. "If you slip you'll go over."
"Just you watch me," I said. In spite of myself, I grinned at the look on my friend's face. "This is something special and no one knows about it except me."
Now I had his attention! Paul was watching me with a new light in his eyes, admiringly.
"Well, well," he said, as I walked from one side to the other and didn't disappear over the falls. "And there was I thinking you were afraid of most things in life and having no balls. Are you sure you've never told anyone?"
I shook my head with pride.
"Good," said Paul softly, and his face was suddenly lit with a tender, captivating smile. "It's our secret then."
I believe there is something magical in the sharing of secrets. I believed it then when I showed Paul where to place his feet in the tiny crevices between the water-hidden rocks forming the safe path across the river falls. The secret path was no longer mine. Now it belonged to Paul as well.
"Wow," he said, once we had repeated the crossing a few times.
I felt absurdly proud and grinned. "Come on, one last time!" I teetered on the edge, arms spread and feeling as if, for one second, I could step right out into the rainbow-spangled air above the waterfall. I felt as if I could almost fly like the butterflies that fluttered around us. Emboldened with success, I took his hand and docilely, he followed me across.
"How long have you known about this?"
"A while."
"Wow!"
"Do you like it?"
"Yes. Oh yeah."
After about a half hour of climbing and scrambling, we stopped to rest on the flat stones high above the waterfall. Paul produced a packet of cigarettes and we shared one. He was lying beside me, hands tucked behind his head, legs crossed at the ankles. One foot touched mine; I could feel the pressure and its heat.
"This is a good place. Imagine having sex up here," he said. "No one would ever know. It's hidden from everything." I thought he was thinking of the lovely native woman or even of Emma.
"I suppose so."
I didn't want to think of that…them. I shivered. His closeness was unbearable. I could smell his sweat – probably hers too – the sandalwood he liked to use and the finished cigarette crushed between his fingers. We were both staring up at the bright blue perfect sky.
Slyly, I put out my hand, felt his arm hot beneath my fingertips. Paul remained still. Slowly, I moved my hand, trespassing over his shoulder, his chest. My hand seemed separated from the rest of my body.
"Do you love her, them?" My voice squeaked as I spoke in a tremble.
Paul turned to look me in the eye and grinned. "Young Alex, You're such a kid you know."
"Well, I was only asking."
"Yes, a little kid lost without its mother."
"Shut up, Paul."
"You give yourself away you know. I knew you were watching - both times. You have an unhealthy appetite for secrets and spying it seems."
I squirmed. "I didn't know you knew I was watching."
"Well, as you asked, no, I don't love either of them, it was just sex. Just good, free sex."
I was shocked. "She wasn't." I was thinking of Emma, pretty, bubbly Emma, who always gave her heart away so freely. The other woman was too remote, I didn't know her. I stared back at Paul and thought of everything I had sacrificed for him. My anguish built within me. "Not Emma, she wasn't just for sex."
He sat up. "Did you think she was the first? Come on Alex, grow up. I'm twenty-two. You're such a…what is the English word for it? Romantic! You're such a romantic. She was very sweet, but she wasn't my first, not even the best and definitely not the last.
"I don't believe you."
"You better believe me.
I didn't know what to say. There was no doubt in my mind he was telling the truth. I suppose it explained a lot about him: his unconcern about a lot of things. My head was reeling, I had to know.
"What was it like?" I swallowed, dry throated as I remembered long slim legs entwined…
"Like?" He turned to me, grinning. "You want to know what it is like." He pulled me towards him.
~~~~~
I believe time stood still. Once again my hands seemed disconnected from the rest of me, as they moved over his body. I felt my mouth on his, his hands on mine, our clothes falling away. He was laughing and I felt the delightful friction of his skin against mine. I was almost oblivious to everything except him and me. I was terrified and thrilled, delirious and yet revolted, nothing mattered except my irrational joy. Duty and danger had disappeared; I was filled with helpless sensations over every inch of my body. He didn't love those women. Oh, Paul. He tore his shirt from his back, and I felt him place a hand over my groin. He struggled with my fly, and we were laughing and talking words I failed to hear.
It stopped, things stood still once again. We were in a freeze-frame of time. I looked at his face as it changed from one of a laughing lover to a mask of disbelief and anger.
"Paul--"
"What?"
"Paul, I'm sorry."
He recoiled as if he had suddenly realised who I was and drew far away from me. His face filled with disgust. I sat up and struggled to speak, stammering in haste.
"You are a freak. You led me on."
His voice was filled with contempt and bitterness, and I knew somehow I had lost him. I gathered my clothes around me and fled down over the rocks to the water below. Paul followed me, shouting with rage. He didn't know the path, and he stumbled and crashed into stones and bushes littering the way.
I dressed and looked around for Cobweb, thinking I would ride away as fast as I could. Then I stopped. I wasn't the only guilty one. We had both known what we were doing. I turned to face him as he blundered towards me.
"I'm going to tell your father," he said, spluttering in anger.
I thought fast. "What about? How you sexually assaulted one of his children? I don't think so, and remember I know all about Emma too. I saw it all."
"You are a monster, a freak of nature. How I thought you to be normal, I don't know."
"If one word gets back to Father, I'll tell him all about Scarface."
"Who?"
"Your friend in KL. I'll tell him all about how you're an arms dealer, selling arms to Indonesian insurgents. He'll have you locked up."
"You don't know what you're talking about. You know nothing. Keep your big mouth shut."
"I know everything. I saw you take delivery of the guns the night they arrived, delivered by two strangers. They came by boat. I should never have trusted you. I should have told Father straight away. But I thought you were my friend and could do nothing wrong. How wrong I was."
Paul made as it to move towards me, and I thought I saw a threatening light in his
eye. Thinking quickly, I whirled around and grabbed the rifle poking from behind Cobweb's saddle bag.
"Hold it. Stay where you are. I'm not afraid to shoot."
Paul swayed at the sight of the gun and stood still, eyeing the gun warily.
"You wouldn't dare."
"Try me. I'm fed up being called a coward and a puny kid. I'm nothing like that."
"No, maybe you're not," he agreed softly.
I edged away from him, gathered the reins in one hand and climbed onto Cobweb's back. Paul remained where he was, watching me from the shade of the tree.
"I'm going to tell Father everything about the guns and your shady friends. Then we'll see who the coward is, hiding behind your work here."
"Alex, don't do that. You don't know what you're saying. You'll ruin everything." Paul looked scared, and I was pleased.
"Huh! You bet I do. You're a big man now aren't you? Ridiculing me and making fun of me all this time. I thought we were friends. I showed you my secrets and you betrayed me. Well you're done for now. Father is going to be very pleased with me." With that, I pulled on Cobweb's reins, causing his head to jerk round. I dug my heels into his sides with as much force as I could and with what could only have been shock, Cobweb sprang forward immediately into a canter. I didn't look back at Paul. I wished never to see him again.
~~~~~
By the time I had turned Cobweb loose into the paddock, I knew all our guests had arrived, and I was sure to be in trouble, as I looked nowhere respectable enough to greet people, let alone sit down to a polite lunch with them. I sped across the lawn into a side door to the house and would have made the stairs if it hadn't been for Mother coming along the hallway with Aunt Hermione just behind her. She took one look at me, and I could have sworn she turned two shades darker with anger.
"Alex! How dare you go around looking like that at this hour! Where have you been? Everyone has arrived, and your absence has actually been noticed. For heaven's sake, get upstairs and changed immediately. And why have you brought a rifle into the house? Oh, don't bother! You'll only come up with some perfectly legitimate excuse. Please don't bring it out in front of the guests, you'll spook them. Leave it somewhere safe in your bedroom." I needed no second telling and raced up the stairs two at a time.
2 Children of the Plantation Page 12