by Natalie Ann
“I’m afraid I couldn’t pull off older and mature if I wanted to.”
“Nothing wrong with that. I happen to like you the way you are.”
She reached her hand over and placed it on his. He turned his palm over and held her hand for a minute. Rough and strong. Feeling like she always thought it should feel. Like she’d always wanted her hand held in life.
***
“Thank you,” she said.
Her small hand fit into his just right. It might look delicate, but there was a strength behind it. A strength in her gaze and her stature. Nothing about her looked weak at all to him. Something he probably needed in his life. A strong woman to tell him to get his shit together.
If he was going to put himself out there right now, try to find something, a strong woman was what he’d need. Not someone he had to hold together. He couldn’t do it right now and didn’t even want it.
“This is what I tried to do the other day when you slapped me five.”
She laughed and the sound of it hit him square in the chest, making him almost have to catch his breath. “You’re supposed to pretend I wasn’t some silly hick that did that.”
“You’re far from a silly hick,” he said, shocked.
“Now. So, how about you? Where are you from?”
He saw the brief change in her eyes and decided to let it go for now. “New Hampshire. My family is still there.”
“Your parents?” she asked.
“Yep. An older sister and younger brother.”
“Do they live there too?”
He watched as she reached over and took the corn off of Kayla’s plate that she’d put down in a pout. No words were spoken, but Shelby had taken a knife and shaved the kernels off, then watched as Kayla put them on her spoon and gobbled them up.
“Not the same city, but close by. Everyone is married now. My sister, Carol, has two kids. She’s a teacher. Jeremy, my brother, just got married last year.”
Jared was healed enough to stand up as the best man, but he didn’t feel much joy that day. Not when everyone was coming up to him rather than paying attention to the bride and groom.
“What about your parents? Still in Kentucky? Any siblings?”
She glanced away, picked up a napkin and wiped Kayla’s face. He liked how the two of them had their own rhythm, like Shelby knew what to do without Kayla needing to ask. “My parents are, yes. I’ve got a lot of siblings. All younger. Most are still home.”
“How many is a lot?” he asked.
“Five. I’m the oldest. Next is Billy, he’s twenty and on his own with his girlfriend. Then Carolyn is eighteen and still home. Rodney is sixteen, Dolly is fourteen and Gretchen is ten.”
“That had to be a loud household to grow up in,” he said laughing, remembering how it was with his siblings, and there were only three of them. Having six had to be like a zoo.
“You’d think, but no. My father was very strict. You followed the rules.”
He felt the unspoken words she didn’t say. He wanted to ask more but decided not to. There was more going on, and it wasn’t the time. He was already prying more than he probably should have about how she met her husband.
“I know a lot about rules. Plenty of them in the Navy.”
“Rules are a good thing, if they’re reasonable,” she said, standing up. “I’ve found that rules provide structure in life, but they can be stifling too.”
Definitely not a conversation to have right now. “Very true. So I was wondering if I could treat you ladies to ice cream after dinner.”
She was reaching into the fridge for the pitcher to fill her glass and he was hoping she didn’t answer him and he wouldn’t be able to hear her. Already twice now that’d happened. Even sitting down at the table, he didn’t wait to see where she normally sat, but sat so that Kayla was on his left and Shelby his right so he’d hear her more.
He was thinking that everyone ended up in their normal seat since Shelby was right handed and would want Kayla on her right anyway. Probably just lucked out, but he wasn’t taking any chances either.
“Ice cream!” Kayla shouted. She was loud enough he heard it. The room was small and there weren’t any other distracting noises.
“I guess I shouldn’t have said that out loud,” Jared said, grimacing.
Shelby sat back down. “It’s okay. Kayla loves ice cream. She’d like that a lot.”
“Yay,” Kayla said, clapping her hands. She reached over and picked Jared’s hand up, startling him, and he hoped he didn’t show that. His peripheral vision was gone in his left eye and he had no clue she was reaching for his hand. All she did was clap her little one on his though.
If Shelby noticed his reaction, she didn’t say, just continued to smile.
It was enough for now. But it made him wonder how long he’d be able to hide it from her. And wondered why he was.
Why he couldn’t accept the fact that he wasn’t the person he was before and that he’d never be again.
Amount of Work
“You’re really good with her,” she told him.
He turned his head and looked at Kayla in his arms. It was where she’d wanted to be the minute they climbed out of his SUV. Surprisingly, he was good with it. More than good and wondered what it could possibly mean. Kayla’s easy acceptance of him was somewhat...humbling.
“Thanks. She’s an easy kid. It’s hard not to be good with someone so mild mannered.”
Shelby burst out laughing. “You should see her at bedtime when she’s not ready to go down.”
“When does she go to bed?” It was a little after seven right now and they were standing in line for ice cream, Kayla bouncing on his hip jibber-jabbering about what he thought was strawberry and pink.
“Around eight. It might be a little later tonight. It will depend on her behavior.”
“Sorry. I wouldn’t have suggested this if I knew it would mess up your plans.”
“It’s not a problem. We have a schedule I try to follow, but I understand life doesn’t always allow for that. We make adjustments when need be.”
He couldn’t believe how laid back she was about it. His sister was a tyrant when you messed up the nap and bedtime schedule of his nieces. Maybe that was why he didn’t often see himself with kids because he saw the amount of work it took and he’d never want to put that on just one person’s shoulder if he wasn’t around. And he’d never been around often...before.
They moved up in line and he ordered a chocolate milkshake, Shelby, a chocolate vanilla twist on a cone and a baby strawberry vanilla swirl in a cone for Kayla.
“I’ll take her,” Shelby said when their order was handed over.
“She’s fine. You want to stay with me, right, Kayla?”
Kayla nodded her head. “Jay.” Then to his utter shock, she placed a wet kiss on his cheek. His heart just thumped once, twice, and then landed with a thunk at his feet, almost like a water balloon popping, sending water everywhere. This time it was his emotions though, sailing through his body.
Shelby was giggling. “Kayla is kind of affectionate. Sorry about that.”
“Nothing to be sorry about.” He sure the heck wasn’t feeling an ounce of anything other than happiness over it.
They made their way over to a table in the shade, Shelby reaching for Kayla, but she wanted no part of getting out of his arms. He didn’t want to let her go either. For first dates, this was turning into more than he bargained for...in a good way.
Once their ice cream was finished, they walked back to his car, him still holding Kayla, but this time, reaching his hand over and threading his fingers through Shelby’s too. If anyone looked at them, they might think they were a family.
There were those thoughts of a family he’d never had before. Always so focused on his career and advancements. Being a hero. Being someone other than the smart athletic kid from his hometown. Just wanting to make a difference in the world. In someone’s life.
Now that his world had changed,
his thinking needed to. He still had hopes of getting out of the teaching position. He was just biding his time, putting feelers out, trying to find the right position that would put him in some kind of a role other than standing in front of recruits all day flapping his lips.
It didn’t matter he was once in those recruits’ shoes.
It didn’t matter that he couldn’t get out of the classroom fast enough.
It didn’t even matter that he’d looked up to most of those professors before...whoa, did he? Do some of them look up to him now?
Back then all that mattered was he was getting through each step to move on to the next.
Now, it seemed all that was in the past was so far gone in his mind that he couldn’t remember the excitement. Maybe that was a good thing.
Looking over at Shelby now he was wondering if it was time to find something else to be excited about.
A different challenge. Something more personal. Something just for him.
Was it selfish to feel that way? Maybe it was time to be a little selfish. Or at least just focus on one person and not the big picture.
Kayla giggled when her melting ice cream dripped on his arm. He smiled and told himself he was focusing on two people now, and neither one of them was him.
***
It’d been way too long since she’d had her hand held. So long she didn’t remember the giddy feeling it evoked. The warm fuzzies that flooded through her veins. The heat of one palm against the other. The smile that never wanted to leave her face.
Even when Ethan held her hand, she hadn’t felt this strong of a response. Was it that she was more attracted to Jared? That would be wrong, right? Ethan had been her husband. She had to feel attraction for him, and she did, but it seemed dimmer and dimmer each day. Maybe she should have more pictures of him around, but all she had was the one and it was in Kayla’s room.
They walked back through her front door. “Come on, Kayla, you need to get cleaned up for bed.” She saw the pout getting ready to appear and quickly said, “If you cry, Jared’s feelings will be hurt. You don’t want to hurt his feelings, do you?”
Kayla turned her head and looked at Jared. He’d gotten the hint and tried to put a sad face on, which was pretty adorable if she had to admit. “No. Don’t be sad,” Kayla said.
Kayla turned and put her arms out to Shelby. “I just need to go clean her up. I won’t be long.”
“I probably should go.”
She didn’t want him to but was trying to find a way to say that. “It’s up to you. But if you don’t mind waiting, it will be just ten minutes or so. You could watch TV or something.”
“I could do that,” he said.
She walked to the back of the house and grabbed pajamas out of Kayla’s drawer, went to the bathroom and undressed her, then placed her in the tub quick. A sponge bath would be good enough.
“Play in the tub?” Kayla asked.
“Not tonight. We’ll just wash you up. Tomorrow you can have a long bath.”
“Okay,” Kayla said, rubbing her eyes. This could be good...or bad, depending on how tired Kayla really was. Overtired normally spelled breakdown.
Kayla was quickly changed, then ran out to the living room, her arms wide open and into Jared’s, giving him a hug and a kiss. It probably wasn’t a good thing to let Kayla get too close to Jared. Shelby would have to think about this some more and have a talk with him. Kayla had to come first.
“I’ll be right back,” she told Jared.
Once Kayla was settled in, her bear in her arm and the door shut, Shelby went back out to the living room. Jared was dwarfing her little love seat. Nothing was big in her house, nothing really needed to be. Ethan hadn’t been that big of a guy at just five foot seven.
He patted the space next to him on the couch and she made her way over and then flopped down, thinking it wasn’t real sophisticated on her part. Then again, she couldn’t pull off sophistication with a whole celebrity makeover team.
“She all set for the night?” he asked.
“For the moment. Once she falls asleep she should be out. I can’t tell you how happy I was when she started to sleep through the night.”
“How old was she? One of my nieces didn’t sleep through the night until almost a year. The other at three months. My sister was a walking zombie the entire time.”
Shelby laughed. “That’s a good description. Kayla was about five months. At two months she was just getting up once for a bottle. Then she’d fall back to sleep. It wasn’t too bad after that. Thankfully I wasn’t working. By the time I went back, it was easier.”
“How hard has it been being on your own?” She gave a snort. “Sorry, stupid question. And insensitive.”
“It’s fine. It has its moments.”
“I’m sure a lot of moments.”
She didn’t want to talk about it. She wasn’t the only single mother out there. The only widow who had a child that never met their father. No use having any self-pity.
“I got through.”
He dropped his arm around her shoulder and pulled her close. “I’m sure it’s more than getting through. You’re a pretty tough chick.”
She laughed. No one had ever said that to her before. She always thought she was weak. Resourceful, sure. But tough? Not so much. Not until the last year or so when the realization really hit her it all fell on her shoulders. “I won’t bore you with the times I wasn’t so tough.”
“Everyone has moments of weakness.”
“I’m guessing you don’t have too many.”
It was probably the wrong thing to say when she saw his expression change, only she wasn’t sure why. Then she remembered he didn’t always want to teach, so there had to be a story behind that. “Sorry, that was wrong of me to just assume that since you’re a man you don’t have any weaknesses.”
“Everyone has weaknesses at some point in their life. Some more than others. It’s how you get through them that makes you the tough one,” he said, his smile tight.
“That’s a good way of thinking of it.”
A Woman and a Mother
“How was your date?” Nancy asked her the next morning when she walked Kayla over for the day.
“It was really nice.”
She set Kayla down and watched as she made her way into the little front room that all her toys were stored in.
“So tell me about him. You’ve got a few minutes before you have to leave.”
Shelby purposely came a few minutes early. Partially because she couldn’t sleep last night and was ready to crawl out of bed this morning. The other reason was that she was hoping to talk to someone about her date.
“He’s really nice. Kayla is already attached to him and I’m not sure that is a good thing.”
“I understand. But don’t you think you’ve grieved long enough? Don’t you think it’s time for you to put yourself first and think of being a woman again?”
She felt like a woman last night. When she and Jared stopped talking and there was an awkward silence, his hand slid around her chin, then neck, pulling her forward. He laid his lips to hers, saying, “If it’s the first date you’ve had in years, then it must be the first kiss, so I better make it count.”
He’d made it count. His strength, his heat, his utter male presence dominated her on the small sofa. But she wasn’t scared, rather, she felt safe in his arms. In the way he wrapped her up and held her tight, protected and secure. Like swaddling Kayla as a baby. Never wanting to be untucked and just making sure she stayed snug. Like she never wanted it to end. Like she’d never felt before and wondered when she could feel that way again.
“I get that. But I’m a mother first.”
“Shelby,” Nancy said, clucking her tongue. “You can be a woman and a mother at the same time. You won’t do your daughter any good if you don’t show her all facets of life. You’re doing a great job,” Nancy said when Shelby opened her mouth to argue. “But you need to have some happiness in your life too. You need
some satisfaction to be happy. Kayla will feed off of your happiness.”
Nancy was right. She knew that. She’d seen it growing up as a kid. Her mother was shy, timid and miserable. It reflected on the kids too, herself included.
“It was one date.”
“Did he make a mention of another one? And what’s his name? What does he do? I don’t want to keep referring to him as ‘he’.”
“His name is Jared Hawk. He’s an engineering professor at the Navel Academy. And yes, I’m pretty sure there will be another date. He asked what my plans were this weekend, but I told him I had to work today. He said he’d talk to me when I was done later.”
“So he’s not a sailor? No active duty?”
“I don’t know his whole story. He was. He looks it for sure. But he’s a professor now. I don’t even know how long he’s been one. I can tell he doesn’t want to talk about it, so I’m thinking it’s a sore subject.”
“Maybe he got in trouble for something or whatever they call it.”
“No. I don’t think so. He was having lunch with one of the admirals that Ethan often talked about. It’s definitely not that. He even said this summer he was going to be doing some work with the admiral.”
“I’m sure you’ll figure it out in time. How do you feel about dating someone else in the service though? I’m surprised with as hard as Ethan’s death was on you.”
She’d thought about that long and hard last night too. And came to the conclusion that she was fine because Jared wasn’t on active duty. That there were no risks for him right now. She didn’t have to worry all that much. It was the only explanation she could come up with since she’d told herself she’d never put herself or Kayla in that situation again.
Never set herself up for being alone. It was unrealistic, she knew, but sometimes her mind just tried to protect itself.
She’d gotten away from her family. She’d gotten away from that life.
She didn’t need a man. But she wanted one.
She wanted Jared. And he seemed to fit the bill of safe in her mind. Working in a classroom or office. She could handle that.