by Audra Hart
I turn and watch him get into his nice BMW and drive away. “Hmm, grief counseling must be fairly lucrative,” I muse aloud.
When he’s back on the main road, I close the door and lock it. And then I collapse in the floor, my back against the wall, keeping the world out. I dissolve in tears. I cry and I cry until there’s nothing left of me, no more Deidra Montfort. Just the pain and the remembering.
CHAPTER 3 - ANGEL IN THE DARKNESS & A FRIEND IN THE DAYLIGHT
“I know you’re there,” she whispers into her silent, lonely bedroom.
She’s been lying in bed for hours unable to sleep. The physical pain is nearly manageable now, but her grief and guilt still won’t allow her any peace. Several seconds tick slowly by… Nothing. Not a single whisper of movement or sound other than the low hum of her ancient electric alarm clock on the dresser and the ceiling fan in her bedroom. There goes the sound of a truck way out on the highway, but nothing else.
Just empty darkness. The darkness is all encompassing, in her room, as well as in the deepest part of her being. The abyss of emptiness waits to swallow her up. She panics as the terrifying darkness reaches up with its feathery tentacles to drag her to the very pit of despair.
“Oh hell! I am losing my damn mind!” she sobs as she throws the covers back to rise from the bed, only now realizing she had been holding her breath, waiting, hoping for an answer from the darkness. Deidra slowly rises to a sitting position and reaches for the lamp on her nightstand when a cold, strong hand closes over her own. The contact sends a charge of electricity and a thrill akin to fear up her arm.
“Hush, I’m here,” a velvet voice soothes.
Deidra’s fingers wrap around the unseen hand as she wordlessly tugs him to her bed. “Even if you are just a delusion, maybe you can keep the darkness away. Please stay with me. Please.”
My ‘delusion’ lies beside me and pulls the covers over my body. “You’re cold.”
“Feeling cold is better than feeling empty and dark,” she whispers.
An agonized sigh is torn from her lips as she lies back down on her bed and rolls over onto her side, facing away from the voice. “Just be here. Okay?”
Chilly lips brush the back of her neck, sending new shocks of electricity through her body. This time, it has nothing to do with fear. He settles her body into the crook created by his own. Finally, he rests his cheek gently against the top of her head as he slowly, lovingly rubs his right hand along her devastated left hip, humming softly.
Peace and a sense of belonging flood Deidra’s body and mind. “I need this.” She snuggles into the cold, hard body behind her and sighs in relief. Sleep is finally nipping at her consciousness. “You’ll come back? Please.”
“As long as you want me, as long as you need me, I’ll be here,” the voice promises in a whisper.
“Always, Luca, always,” she responds as sleep swallows her conscious mind. It is a peaceful, restful sleep, the kind that she desperately needs.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
The darkness spreads along the edges of her world. Frantically, she wanders inside the gloom as she searches. Shadows obscure her vision; drag her down as she feels her way through the darkness. Fear makes her feet sluggish as she seeks. “They need me and I am failing them,” she whispers frantically as she continues her desperate search.
Slowly a dark shadow transforms into the image of Rolan, her husband of nineteen years. Tall and strong with brown wavy hair and brooding dark eyes. Suddenly his familiar handsome face turns harsh. “Why are you searching so hard? Why waste your time? You never really cared. We were just placeholders while you waited for your real life to begin again. You should be happy that you are free now.”
“No Rolan, that‘s not true,” she whispers. But his harsh demeanor doesn‘t change. His image starts to shimmer. She knows he will disappear soon, so she quickly asks, “Where are the kids? Where are my babies?” Rolan’s image fades. “Please stay, tell me where my babies are!” she pleads urgently. She can hear Rolan’s laughter echoing in the distance and her blood runs cold.
“Rolan?” It’s too late. There’s no reply. She knew there wouldn’t be. Rolan is gone. So are the kids. The emptiness overwhelms her. She sobs into the darkness…and begs her children to come back to her.
Now, the other place is pushing inward. The darkness fades gradually. She tries to shake off the remnants of ‘the dream’ and struggles toward reality. Her eyes pop open to another gray pre-dawn. She sighs heavily and uses the back of her hand to wipe her tears. She lies still and stares, without seeing, at the ceiling fan. She really doesn’t know how long she lies there, but she eventually notices that her bedroom is now illuminated by the soft morning light coming through the thin curtains on her bedroom windows.
She chides herself for all the dust that has accumulated on the blades of the ceiling fan. “I really need to get off my ass and clean this place up,” she grunts as she crawls out of bed and then gingerly stretches. Her left side is stiff and pulls painfully, but the pain is less intense most days, just a persistent ache and the accompanying debilitating stiffness. Even the chasm in her chest is mostly just an aching emptiness. Guilt washes over her like a tidal wave, washing away any relief she might allow herself to feel that the pain has improved.
She looks over at the dresser to the pictures of her babies. She kisses her fingertips and tenderly strokes the face of each child in the photos before she decides to start her day. “Ow, Ow!” She crabs as she limps into the bathroom without her cane to pee. Her mouth feels putrid, again. She wonders what can be causing it. She has woken up many, many mornings during the long recovery with a sickening taste and smell in her mouth and nose. She brushes her teeth a couple of times and uses mouthwash. Finally the taste is nearly gone, so she goes to the kitchen to start the coffee pot.
After pouring the water into the machine and switching it on, she forces herself to pick up her planner. Not really wanting to know what she has to do today, but knowing if she doesn’t consult the planner and start moving she will just go back to bed and stare at the ceiling fan all day. She has responsibilities, and her kids wouldn’t approve of her just giving up and lying in bed all day. And her good friend Lucian certainly wouldn’t allow it! She remembers that she is supposed to hang out with him today, and that lightens her mood considerably. She tries to ignore the guilt she feels when she realizes how much better hanging out with Lucian makes her feel.
She opens the planner to the correct day, and groans, “Shit! Nothing until eleven o’clock!” The eleven o’clock appointment is only for an informal talk given by a local author at the Ada library. She’s read a few books written by this author and was vaguely interested in meeting her. Deidra doesn’t really care about going to hear the author speak, but she thought it would fill a few hours of her day. “Dammit, I don’t see Lucian until one.”
She looks at the clock on the stove; it’s only seven a.m. She sees an empty, meaningless day yawning before her. Panic rises in her chest. “Okay, okay Dee. You can handle this. Just go take a shower. Work the routine. Work the routine. Follow Lucian‘s advice.” But her feet don’t move. She can feel the blackness rising, threatening to overtake her again. She feels like she jumps out of her skin when her cell phone rings, but she is so relieved because it will force her to move, to function.
She fishes her phone out of her purse on the kitchen counter and answers it on the fourth ring, “Hello?” she breathes wondering who might be calling so early. She knows that it is probably not her boss, Sharon, because all the paper work has been completed and signed off on. There should not be anything for her to do until the Friday morning I.E.P. meeting.
“Deidra? Good morning. Hey, this is Lucian Michaels. I am sorry for the early hour, but I had a cancellation that freed my morning up. I was wondering if you would like to come over earlier than we had discussed.”
She chuckles because he sounds so formal on the phone. “No problem Lucian. Honestly I am glad you called. I was wonde
ring how I would make myself get started this morning.” She half-heartedly chuckles to herself. “You see, there’s a bit of a lull in my schedule. I don’t have anything to do this morning. I was contemplating going back to bed.”
“Deidra, why? Aren‘t you sleeping at night?” The soothing voice asks in concern.
“Honestly, I slept better than I have in what feels like a million years. About four solid hours, I think. Only one dream… well, maybe two dreams.” She smiles as she tries to recall the first ‘dream’ and says, “I’m not sure.” She shakes her head as though to clear it. “Can we talk about this later?” she asks. “What time do you want me to come over?”
“Whenever you can get here will be fine with me. My morning is totally free and I really want to spend it with you,” replies Lucian.
Deidra can’t help but grin because her friend sounds eager to see her. “Okay. Thank you Lucian. I’ll be there soon.”
“Dee, I am glad that my schedule opened up this morning. I am really looking forward to hanging out with you today. And I want to hold you to your promise.”
“What promise?”
“You promised to tell me more about your childhood. I am thinking today is the day you should share some more of your story. I really want to know more about you.”
She groans unhappily. “Why? Lucian, I am not really very interesting.”
Lucian chuckles and says; “That’s a matter of opinion.” When Deidra doesn’t respond he says firmly; “It’s time Dee. You are strong enough, and you need to move on,” he soothes as his voice pours over her like warm, liquid honey.
“But what if I don’t want to yet?” she asks feeling panic rise up in her like bile. Part of her mind balks at the whiney tone she hears in her voice, but she ignores it.
“You know it’s time,” Lucian reassures her. “You can do it. It will make you feel better if you do. You know that is true, right?”
“I know, Lucian. But I don’t want to do it,” she says, sounding petulant even to her own ears.
“Deidra,” he chides, “you can do it, and you will, because you are not the coward that you think you are. Go shower, dress, and come on over. I am waiting.” She doesn’t respond at first, so he says, “Or I could come over there…”
Deidra is always reluctant for Lucian to come to her place and she panics at the thought of him popping in today. She‘s really not doing as well as he thinks that she is and she hates the idea of him seeing the proof of that in the way she has been living. “Okay, okay Lucian. I’ll be there within the hour. Goodbye.”
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
“Goodbye, Deidra.” Lucian turns his phone off and watches his beloved close her old flip phone and get a coffee cup out of the cabinet. She pours her coffee and sits on the kitchen stool before resting her head on the counter. She starts humming the lullaby that he has heard her hum so many times before. He can only assume she had hummed it for her children. Before she can finish the lullaby she chokes on her tears.
Lucian longs to take her into his arms and try to ease her pain, but it would cause her all manner of confusion if he were to drop the spell that he is hiding behind to watch her. She doesn’t remember who he really is, or what they really are, yet. Finally, after 45 agonizing minutes she dries her tears and wanders into the bathroom to shower. Lucian looks at the untouched coffee and frowns. He silently turns off the coffeemaker, cleans the glass pot and the cup.
Whatever she was thinking of before she opened her eyes this morning has really left her out of sorts. He knows she was awake. She had been awake for several minutes, just lying there with her eyes closed, when she started talking to her former husband. Whatever happened in her daydream or vision is causing her a lot of pain. He knows that she was asking for her children. He feels her pain over their loss as his own.
Lucian follows her into the bathroom. She has started the shower, brushed her teeth, again. He can smell to the toothpaste and wonders why she seems to be obsessed with brushing her teeth so much. Now she is mechanically stripping out of her boxer shorts and tank top. He feels guilty for watching her like this when she isn’t aware that he is there. But he longs for her and misses his mate so deeply. He feels compelled to be near her whenever he can. But it is all he can do not to take her into his arms and try to force her to remember him, to remember who she is… He won’t do that; he won’t do anything that causes her undue pain. He will be patient, as long as it takes. He will watch over her, protect her, even if she never recalls her past lives with him. So, Lucian Michaels stands back and silently watches…
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Deidra turns her car onto Lucian’s street and drives all the way to the end of the narrow road. It‘s very quiet out this way. The houses thin out until she sees Lucian‘s place by itself at the end of the country road. Lucian lives on the very edge of town. Behind the house are the woods and rocky hills that make up the landscape in this part of southern Oklahoma.
During this time of the year the scrub oaks, elms, hickory, and native pecan trees are bare. The only green to be seen comes from the scrubby cedar trees that are encroaching on the landscape. The dismal brown countryside has always bothered Deidra before spring really sets in. She almost smiles when she sees a few daffodils starting push up through the ground at the edge of Lucian‘s property. It’s been another rough winter, she‘s glad it’s almost over.
She looks at the clock on the dash, 9:43 am. She gets frustrated because she doesn‘t clearly remember getting dressed, leaving the house and driving over here. She has basically lost nearly three hours and she doesn’t understand how come this keeps happening to her.
“Oh God, I did it again! When will I stop functioning on auto-pilot?” She turns on the blinker and pulls into the driveway of the gray and green, two-story house where Lucian runs his practice and maintains his residence. Turning off the ignition, she puts the keys in a side pocket of her giant purse. She wonders; Am I losing my mind?
A quick look in the mirror on the visor tells her she’s not operating on all eight cylinders this morning. She cringes when she realizes her hair is still damp, unruly and she’s not wearing makeup, again. “Crap!” she mutters. And softly bangs her forehead against the steering wheel. Deidra lifts her head. Reaching for her purse, planning to get the keys out to restart the car and make her escape. But a soft knock on the driver’s window stills her outstretched hand.
“Come on Deidra. You’re here, that’s the important part,” Lucian says through the glass. “Let’s get you inside and get you some coffee.” He opens the car door, “By the way, did you remember to turn off your coffee pot at home?”
“Probably not.” Deidra replies sheepishly. “But I did buy the kind that shuts itself off. At least I won’t burn the house down with my absent-mindedness.”
Lucian loops his arm through hers and they walk in easy silence up the path into the house. Lucian leads the way through the receiving area that is furnished comfortably, if somewhat nondescriptly, up the stairs to his private residence. Deidra hooks the cane over her arm and uses the railings to help keep her steady as she ascends the stairs. He turns to see if she needs assistance, and nods, satisfied that she can make it without his help.
Deidra is struck anew by the beauty of the man walking before her. He’s very tall, at least six foot eight, with powerful, wide shoulders and lean hips. His medium length, wavy, brown hair is kissed with red highlights. She wonders if she were to wind her fingers in his hair if it would be as soft as she imagines it is. She suspects that his whisker covered jaw would tickle her sensitive lips, if she were ever brave enough to kiss him.
Whoa Dee! Where did that come from? What makes you think he would want you to kiss him?
She returns her attention to the man walking in front of her. She knows that if he were facing her she could get lost staring at his face. His complexion is very pale, but that doesn’t detract from his beauty. His forehead is wide and smooth, usually draped with a wayward lock of that lovely auburn hair.
He has dark, well defined eyebrows, and his nose is strong and straight, framed by chiseled square jaws and a firm chin. His mouth, well it’s just perfect; wide with full lips that are usually stretched in a welcoming smile over even white teeth. And his eyes… oh man! Those gorgeous eyes!
Lucian turns to face her again with that welcoming smile of his. Deidra looks up into his eyes, those beautiful, impossibly luminescent eyes. Today, they appear so dark they are nearly violet, but most days they are a bright blue, almost aquamarine, but bluer. She feels herself relax instantly. She knows she is safe with this man. Those eyes hold no judgment in them, only affection, acceptance, patience and strength. There’s something else in those eyes, but she never can make herself see what it is. It makes her uneasy, as though it’s stirring something deep, and long forgotten within her. She looks away, suddenly unsure of herself around him.
“Dee, make yourself comfortable while I get your coffee,” he says casually as he walks into the kitchen area. When she offers to help, he gently refuses. “Relax Dee. I won’t be a minute.”
Deidra perches on the edge of the gray modern style sofa. Its deep cushions are soft and inviting. She looks around the room. It is a very comfortable room, which is decorated in mostly monochromatic shades of grays and whites, but there are black accents and splashes of modern bright colors here and there. The drapes are gray with faint, intricate geometric patterns of muted teal and silver. The sofa and two chairs are solid shades of gray, and constructed in simple modern designs. Both chairs are comfortable with small throw pillows in bright shades of teal and green, and are arranged to face the couch and create comfortable area for quiet conversation or casual entertaining.
She’s hung out in this area a few times with Seth and Lucian. But usually it is just her and Lucian sitting on the couch, talking for hours on end when she comes over. They have a lot of the same interests in books and music, while neither of them are very interested in TV or movies. He’s a counselor and she was a full time special education teacher who worked with kids who had behavioral and psychological issues. So they have a lot of common ground for safe, general discussion. She feels so very comfortable with him, even connected to him in a way she doesn‘t understand, but treasures just the same.