by Rose Fall
He didn’t push me. Instead, he wiped a tear from my cheek and sighed, “Okay.”
He never said another word.
Some Realities are Better than Other Realities
July 12nd, 2015 Anniversary
My parents’ wedding anniversary is coming up pretty soon. Nineteen years together. Sometimes I think they’re crazy. I can’t imagine spending that much time with someone, happily. I know that I’m usually the sappy romantic, but it really is hard for me to imagine.
I’m not certain I could really be happy with one person for that long. But I can’t help wondering what life would be like with Julian nineteen years from now. I know that is crazy and weird, and I certainly shouldn’t be thinking like that about a boy I barely know. What can I say? I’m a dreamer.
I stared wearily at the page. Not that I wanted Ash to become bitter and distrustful like me, but she was moving much too fast, even I had become overwhelmed by this whirlwind courtship. I wanted her to be a little less vulnerable, even if that meant taking on my worst qualities. I anxiously pondered this as I skimmed through some older entries.
I was currently sitting in her room, scanning her diary. I really had tried to respect her privacy, but it was out in the open when I entered her room. I reasoned that it was a sign.
July 5th, 2015 Dancing in the Moonlight
I wrapped my arms around his neck, closing my eyes as he carried me away. I knew that I would have to pay for this later, that I would owe Eli an explanation, but it was worth it. I’d had a bad feeling about this “Girl’s Night” from the beginning. Rachel and Eli were fighting over Jessie again and I was grateful that Julian had rescued me, even if it meant we were no longer a secret.
He put me down after a few minutes of walking, smiled at me for a brief second, and then began running. I followed without knowing where we were going because he was Julian and I was Ashton (though to be fair, I knew that he was heading back towards the general direction of our house, so it wasn’t as if he were taking me to the woods in the middle of nowhere).
I wanted to stop and take a break, and to ask him where we were going but by then we were on the beach and he didn’t stop running until he was waist deep in the water.
“Julian, what are you doing?” I asked, slightly out of breath. I was standing on the shore, fleetingly imagining a scene in which he finally opens up and shares his big secret; that he is a merman with only limited time on land.
“Why are you whispering?” He whispered.
“Because I don’t think we’re supposed to be here.” Or perhaps this would be the part where we became a shark’s midnight snack. I’d seen too many horror movies that began like this.
“Do you do everything you’re supposed to do?” He said loudly, trying to make a point.
“Yes,” I said. It was a good way to avoid becoming shark bait.
He smiled, “That’s what I like about you.”
And then he held his hand out for me, “Come on.”
Maybe I’d been possessed, or hypnotized, because I walked over and took it with barely a moment of hesitation.
“Ah!” I squeaked. “It’s freezing!”
“You get used to it.”
He was still holding my hand. When I looked up I was entranced by the way his eyes shone in the moonlight, maybe he was a werewolf. He couldn’t possibly be the same species as the teenage boys I’d known.
Just when I thought he was going to kiss me, he wrapped his other arm around my waist and started dancing. I could hear the water splashing around us, but no cheesy romantic music.
I said something like, “This is weird.”
“Ssssshhhh,” he whispered, he was breathing right into my ear, and it made me shiver.
“You’re a really good dancer,” I whispered back after a moment.
“You’re ruining the moment.”
“Oh, sorry,” and then I added, “You’re wearing socks; they’re going to be soaked.”
He pulled away and tilted his head towards me.
“What?” I asked self-consciously, breaking the trance as I spoke at a normal volume.
He shook his head and laughed, “Nothing. Let’s go, before we get in trouble.”
His eyes got really wide when he said the word, “trouble.”
“Are you making fun of me?” I asked, trailing behind him.
I took one more glance at the full moon before catching up with him.
Even as I continued flipping through, I couldn’t help wondering what this entry meant. In Ash’s words, everything sounded more fantastical than it really was. Julian had not carried her away at that party; he had practically dragged her out the door. And from the few times I’d met him, he hadn’t seemed like the sweet, romantic type, so it was hard to imagine him “dancing in the moonlight.” I kept reading anyway, thinking that maybe I could ask her later.
July 6th, 2015 Can’t Think of Any Nasty Words That Rhyme With Rachel…
Rachel and I had a little tiff…and by that I mean that she exercised her talent for making people feel like they’re less than the gum on her shoe. She made me feel even worse than I already did for not telling Eli about Julian. As if I didn’t feel guilty enough.
I was going to write a poem about her and how much she sucks, but I couldn’t think of any nasty words to rhyme with Rachel, except for facial.
Rachel needs a facial.
Sad, I had real hopes of becoming a poet. I’ve been thinking of novel writing lately, but that’s a whole other story (ha).
While I was trying to get away from her and the talk I would eventually have to have with Eli, I found myself on our bench again, staring at the inscription he had made. I was now part of a declaration in the endless sea of them, and it felt great, like going back to high school and being part of the in-crowd. I spent hours, staring at that inscription, waiting for him to show up. Like it tied us in some way, like he would know when I needed him, through some weird telepathy.
I was punished for my stupidity because he never showed up. I know it’s irrational, but I was disappointed. I’d been going to that bench every day since we’d met, I suppose I thought we had some sort of unspoken agreement.
July 7th, 2015 A Julian-Free Day
I decided not to go to our bench today. It really bothered me when Julian didn’t show up yesterday, even if I couldn’t logically expect him to .It made me think that maybe I need to slow down because the truth is I’m scared to get my heart broken. So this was me trying to regain control. This was me having a Julian-free day.
But here’s the irony; Eli almost got herself killed; “Girls’ night” with Rachel. When would she realize that these “Girls’ nights” always came to no good?
As an aside, I have to say that that coffee table you made broke. I remember you saying how bad things would happen if it broke. I think you had been joking at the time, that you wanted me to take care of that table because you wanted to teach me responsibility. I remember that I kept breaking a lot of things in the house, things that you and Grandma had collected from when you traveled together, because I was and, am still absurdly clumsy and you were trying to teach me to be more careful.
I don’t know if you were serious or not, but it is kind of an odd coincidence, the table breaking and what happened to Eli. I hope that I didn’t cause her to get hurt somehow. If there really was something behind that whole warning about the table I would just like to say that I’m the one that broke it, and I would love it if any bad luck that is going to result is inflicted on me and not my friends. I was kinda hoping you could send the message to the necessary parties.
Anyway back to my Julian-free day. As soon as I found out Eli was hurt he was the first person I went to. He drove me to the hospital. He was very calm through the whole thing. I mean, it was sort of a blur but I remember thinking, thank goodness he was there because if I was the melodramatic one, then he was the epitome of calm.
I felt sort of stupid though, because Eli’s my best friend, and in
stead of trying to take care of her, I was busy balling my eyes out, so my not-so-boyfriend had to do it.
I didn’t even check to see if Rachel was okay. Don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t too worried about her, but I didn’t want her to die. Anyway, turns out Rachel wasn’t even involved in the accident, she was just a witness. Eli is alive and mostly well. And I don’t think I’ll try to have another Julian-free day for a while.
‘But you probably should,’ I thought. I made a mental note to talk to Ash at some point, and to tell her in the least offensive way possible that she had to stop being such a naïve idiot. I hadn’t spent enough time with this Julian to know what he was thinking, and though he seemed like a nice enough person, I knew from experience that didn’t mean he’d make a nice boyfriend.
I jumped at the sound of someone running up the stairs. I closed the diary and placed it on the edge of her desk just as I’d found it. I glided back over to her armchair, placing my ice pack back over my stomach and turning expectantly towards the door.
“Hey Ash! I’ve been looking for you,” I said casually as the door opened.
“Oh, hey Eli,” Ash said from behind Julian. I smiled at him in surprise.
“Oh! I’m gonna let you guys do…whatever you came here to do,” I said as I rose from the chair.
“No, I was actually just leaving. I have to go…wax my back,” Julian replied. I snorted. He turned to leave, and I nearly had a heart attack when he kissed her on the lips and then smacked her ass, making Ash let out a little yelp.
My mouth hung open as I watched him go down the stairs. At that moment Ashton could have been replaced with my grandmother, it felt just as wrong.
“Tell me you’re still a virgin,” I said in alarm.
“What? Of course I am, relax mom! Enough about me!” She exclaimed, plopping down on her desk chair.
I eyed her suspiciously.
“Aren’t you supposed to do that while you’re lying down?” She asked.
I looked down at the ice pack and shrugged. “I’m fine. I’m only using this stupid thing cause Rachel is making me,” I replied distractedly. I focused back on the subject at hand, “I feel like I haven’t seen much of you lately,” I confessed.
I saw plenty of Rachel and Jessie. I swear they’d worked out some sort of babysitting schedule for me because one of them was always around. But Ash had been spending a lot of time with Julian and I hadn’t seen her for more than a few minutes in too long.
“Yeah, I guess I’ve been busy,” she agreed.
“Busy with what?” I questioned, though I already knew the answer. I watched her open a bag of potato chips and began chewing small pieces as if her life depended on eating it as slowly as possible.
“You know, if there’s something you want to know you could just ask me,” she replied.
“How are things with Julian?” I asked, figuring it was better to hear it straight from the horses’ mouth.
She laughed giddily, “They’re good.”
I raised an eyebrow. Ash was usually pretty good at satisfying my curiosity. She didn’t hold anything back.
“When did you become such a woman of mystery Ash?”
She shrugged, “I don’t want to jinx it.”
I pressed my lips together. ‘Good thing I read your diary then,’ I thought.
“Oh!” she exclaimed suddenly, “By the way, my parents said hi. They’re coming to visit soon!”
“What? They don’t want to spend their anniversary here!”
She gave me a weird look, probably wondering how I knew when her parents’ anniversary was. I wouldn’t have known if I hadn’t been reading her diary. I cursed my own stupidity. Luckily, she didn’t ask any questions.
“They’re not, I think they’re supposed to go on a cruise, but they said they have a surprise for me.
Maybe it’s an extra ticket! ” She said excitedly, and then rethinking, “But I hope not, I don’t want to leave Julian…”
I was genuinely offended, “Ahem!” I said as loudly as I could.
“And you too,” she said distractedly, “But you don’t need me. I mean, not that he does either, but you’ve got Rachel, and Jessie…” she lingered on the last part, simultaneously sending me a wink and making an impromptu heart with her index fingers and thumbs.
“Very subtle,” I nodded.
“Oh come on! Just admit that you like him, and you can call this whole thing off before it’s too late. And maybe we can all laugh about it.”
I raised an eyebrow. There was a fine line between naïve and stupid, Ash had just crossed it.
“It’s possible,” she shrugged. “Either way, we all know how destructive secrets can be.”
I glared at her with narrowed eyes.
“He keeps secrets too.” I said, thinking of all the questions he evaded, or the night he had seemed so sad and distracted but never mentioned what was bothering him. I suddenly remembered the last instance of his mysterious behavior. Though I’d sworn I didn’t want to know the answer, I found myself blurting out the question.
“At the hospital, when he thought I was suicidal or whatever, he was going to say something about his mother. Do you think that she…” I didn’t finish the sentence.
“No,” Ash replied with a confused look, “Their mom died of cancer.”
I froze. “I…I didn’t even know she was dead,” I finally croaked out.
“Julian told me,” she said, quickly adding, “It slipped out. You shouldn’t feel bad that Jessie didn’t tell you.”
I nodded distractedly. Her words made no difference, I did feel bad.
Ef-fort
“A fort?” I asked in a strange voice, turning to look at Jessie with a mixture of surprise, suspicion, and excitement.
This was definitely not what I’d been expecting.
Earlier Today…
“Come over tonight?” He asked.
Half of my face was still buried under my covers. It felt strangely intimate to have him sitting here, on the edge of my bed, after I’d just woken up from my nap. But then again, I wasn’t the one that let him in. That was all Rachel. Again. The two of them certainly seemed like a team…
“I’m not really in the mood…” I murmured, self-consciously wondering if there was any sleep in my eyes.
“Please? I know something that might cheer you up.”
I raised a quizzical eyebrow. I was certain we had different ideas on what could cheer me up.
He rolled his eyes, but a telling smirk emerged, “Get your mind out of the gutter, that’s not what I meant.”
“That’s not what I was thinking,” I said quickly, crossing my arms defensively.
“Right,” he said sarcastically. He was learning. I was almost proud, but I didn’t let on. I gave him my best scowl.
It felt nice to joke with him. After the hospital, I’d been worried that things would be weird. But it turned out we both had a talent for pretending. We acted like the uncomfortable conversations we’d had never occurred. Maybe it was unhealthy, but so far it was still working for us.
“Come over at 7. I’ll leave the door open,” he said cheerfully.
“I’ll think about it,” I replied, but he was already walking out.
Present…
“This is how Jules and I used to cheer each other up,” he said. I could hear a hint of sadness in his voice.
“You call him Jules?” I asked in amusement.
“Not to his face,” he grinned.
I turned back to the small fort in his living room, considering the mess of sheets and chairs holding it up. I could see blankets and pillows peeking out from the inside.
“Impressive ef-fort,” I said cheesily. I resisted the urge to laugh at my own pun.
“Wow, that was corny,” he said mockingly.
I elbowed his stomach with my good arm and inched towards the fort.
“Ouch!” He said in surprise.
I was surprised he could feel it too; I’d felt like I was elbow
ing a marble statue.
“There’s no light in there,” I said, peeking inside.
“Well I was going to bring out some candles, but I didn’t want you to think I was trying to seduce you,” he said. Even though he was behind me, I could almost see the smirk on his face.
I was actually surprised at how little he’d tried to seduce me. It probably wouldn’t have gotten him anywhere, but I was even a little offended from the lack of ef-fort. Ha.
Then again, that probably all had something to do with me telling him I wasn’t interested. To say that our relationship was complicated was a gross understatement. Sometimes I told him the truth, other times I lied. Sometimes he acted like a friend, other times he acted like more. I’d confessed to him that I was over Ryan, though I wasn’t sure why. And we both flirted, but we hadn’t kissed since that first time. This helped me pretend the bet never existed, that we were just normal friends. I wasn’t stupid enough to think we could keep this up forever, but it was working for now.I shook my thoughts away and brought up something that had been nagging me. “What did you and Jules need cheering up from?” I asked, rethinking his earlier statement. I sat on the edge of the fort, turning to face him so I could see his expression.
I wanted to know more, about his mother. I wanted to know if he trusted me enough to tell me. And to be honest, I was a little jealous that Julian had told Ash before he had told me.
He shrugged, “You know, stuff happens.”
I narrowed my eyes; he could be almost as evasive as me.
--
“Hey!” He said, trying to take back the half-empty bottle of whiskey I’d grabbed from his pantry.
“Relax!” I said, already knowing what he was going to say, “I’m off the meds.”
I sighed when he raised an eyebrow. I was only halfway through the prescription, but I’d decided those pills had caused enough trouble already.
“History of addiction in my family,” I shrugged.