JOE: This one’s already lost her passport once.
JOANNE: There’s always one.
PHILIP: We got from one of the students that she’s been seeing some boy. From Amherst, if you can believe it. He’s with another school group. We’re trying to find out what hotel they’re staying in.
JOE: You’ve called Amherst?
PHILIP: Frankie did. She charged it to your room. It didn’t seem fair to have it on her expenses.
JOE: That’s fair.
PHILIP: It seems that yesterday and today—Frankie should tell you herself—but these are their free days and the students have been encouraged to travel around a little bit. So Donna probably went with the guy somewhere.
JOE: So she’ll be back tomorrow. When we’re in Stratford. (Beat) Great.
PHILIP: She probably hasn’t thought to look at the schedule.
JOANNE: I am sure it will all work out.
JOE (To Philip): Speaking of Frankie, where was she last night?
PHILIP: Last night? We were all at the theatre. What was the name of that play? After a while they begin to blur, don’t they?
JOANNE: I can check the— (Takes out her schedule)
JOE: I mean later. After Katie told me about Donna, I knocked on Frankie’s door.
PHILIP: And she didn’t answer?
(Joe shakes his head.)
That’s funny. (Shrugs) I don’t know. Maybe she’s a sound sleeper, Joe. (Beat) Why are you asking me?
JOANNE: It was Les Liaisons Dangereuses.
PHILIP: What was?
JOANNE: The play we saw last night.
PHILIP: That’s right. With the girl with the naked back. I remember that one.
(Frankie enters with a tray.)
FRANKIE: Is there room for—
JOE: Of course there is. Philip, move over.
FRANKIE: I could sit—
JOE: No. No. (To Joanne) Frankie Lewis, Joanne Smith.
PHILIP: Joanne’s the woman who—
FRANKIE: Yes, we met the other day. Katie introduced us.
JOANNE: Yes, that’s right.
FRANKIE: Each day the seats get even better. (Nods to Philip) Philip.
PHILIP: Frankie.
FRANKIE: Phil’s told you, I gather.
PHILIP: Told what?
JOE: That we have a runaway.
PHILIP: That. Yes, he knows.
FRANKIE: I wouldn’t say “runaway.” That’s a little melodramatic, wouldn’t you say? She’ll be back.
JOE: When we’re in Stratford.
FRANKIE: They’re not children, Joe. (To Joanne) You were a student of Joe’s.
JOE: My first year teaching.
JOANNE: I even babysat for Katie. (To Joe) I didn’t tell you we had tea one afternoon last week. She’s really— She’s grown up.
FRANKIE (To Joe): That’s where we ran into each other. At the Tate.
JOANNE: Right. And Katie introduced us.
FRANKIE (Picking up the Hamleys bag she brought with her): This is in your way.
JOANNE: No, it’s—
FRANKIE: I’ll set it over here. (She does) Something for the boys from Hamleys.
JOE: Frankie has two beautiful boys.
JOANNE: Congratulations.
(Short pause. Suddenly Philip laughs to himself.)
PHILIP: It’s funny—but when I first came in and saw Joe talking with a strange attractive young woman—
JOE: Joanne Smith.
PHILIP: I know. But I didn’t know then. I didn’t know you knew her, Joe. (Shakes his head and laughs) So my first thought, seeing these two, was—now that is so unlike Joe Taylor. (Laughs) But then it turns out you do know her. She even used to babysit . . . (Laughs. The others are confused about what he is saying) Never mind.
(Pause.)
FRANKIE (To Joe): Donna Silliman will come back to the hotel, find we’re gone, we’ll leave a message and she can take a train and join us or wait for us. (Beat) What else can we do?
PHILIP: Oh Joe, you wanted to ask Frankie about last night?
JOE: I knocked—
PHILIP: He knocked on your door. What time was that?
JOE: About—four.
PHILIP: About four, he knocked. I told him you must be a very sound sleeper.
FRANKIE: Well I am, Joe. (Beat) I am a very sound sleeper. Everyone knows that.
PHILIP: Hopefully, not everyone.
(He laughs. Then the others laugh. Finally Frankie joins in.)
FRANKIE: I don’t know about anyone else, but I’m still getting over my jet lag. (Beat) But at least I don’t go dozing off in the middle of a show.
JOE: Once! The second night we’re here!
FRANKIE (To Joanne): He refused to take a nap.
PHILIP: He kept saying he’d taken this trip so many times, he didn’t need a—
JOE: OK! OK! (Beat) Christ, will you ever let me forget it?
(Short pause.)
FRANKIE: I’m sorry I didn’t hear you knock.
(Joe nods. Beat.)
JOE: Joanne’s been to the play we’re seeing this afternoon. She loved it.
JOANNE: It’s very funny. I love those old Aldwych farces. They’re so English.
JOE: They really are.
JOANNE: I don’t think they’d work at all in America today, do you?
JOE: I can’t see how. It takes a special . . .
JOANNE: I know what you mean. (Beat) James’s family is right out of one of those plays actually. (Laughs to herself) The first time I met them— They don’t live posh or anything like that, but there is a cook. She used to be James’s nanny. (Beat) One of the family, she is. And everyone is always saying that. Helen from Glasgow. (Beat) They could not have been kinder to me. James’s father, Freddy—he insists I call him Freddy—and once he gets into a chair you begin to wonder if he’ll ever move out of it. (Beat) Or so his mother says. James’s sister made us all watch the telly. James tried to argue but I said I’d love to. I’d only been here a month and I’d hardly got used to English telly so I thought here was my chance to ask questions. (Beat) So this man comes on; he tries to make some jokes which are not funny, I think to myself. Then he says something like: “The girl went up to the boy and put her hand into his—” He paused and a middle-aged woman completes the sentence with: “—her hand into his golf bag.” And everyone laughs. (Beat) Even James laughed I noticed. This is peculiar I think to myself. (Beat) “Into his golf bag.” She continues now: “—and pulls out a club which she used to wiggle his—” She pauses and a middle-aged man now completes the sentence with: “Wiggle his tee out of the ground.” (Short pause. She sips her tea)
JOE: Huh.
JOANNE: This goes on and on. And when it ends the man who started it all drops his trousers to reveal that his underpants look like the British flag. (Short pause) What’s amazing about England is that in time you begin to find this sort of thing funny as well. (Beat) Or so I’m told. James says it’s the weather. (Beat) In any event, I don’t think a good old Aldwych farce would work in America.
JOE: No.
PHILIP: No.
(Pause.)
FRANKIE: Have you lived in London long, Joanne?
JOANNE: About sixteen and a half months.
(Short pause.)
PHILIP: It must have been a lot of work getting us the tickets.
JOANNE: It was fun. I love it. (Beat) I love going to the theatre. Even going to the box office. It’s something to do. (Beat) Professor Taylor, I’d love to do it again next year.
JOE (Hardly before she’s finished): Consider yourself hired! (To the others) Right?
FRANKIE: Absolutely.
PHILIP: You’re the chairman!
JOANNE: Thanks. Thank you. (Beat. She begins to stand up) I should be going. You all probably have a million things to do.
JOE: Us? No. We have nothing to do. What time’s the show?
FRANKIE: 2:30.
JOE: 2:30. We’ve got another hour.
(Joanne sits back down. Pause.)
(Finally) Frankie, I’m sure I don’t need to say this, but I do think we should try to keep it to ourselves.
FRANKIE: Keep what to ourselves??
JOE: That Katie was the one who told us about Donna Silliman not being in her room. (Beat) Last night. Before I knocked on your door. And you were asleep. (Beat) I don’t want the kids to start thinking she’s a . . .
PHILIP: Spy?
JOE: Yeah. I guess. Yeah.
JOANNE: That must be hard for Katie.
JOE: She handles it well.
JOANNE: Oh, I’m sure she—
JOE: There’s Henry and Betty.
(Henry and Betty enter with trays.)
Over here! There’s room over here! (To the others) Let’s squish together a little more.
(They do.)
BETTY: You’re too crowded. We’ll sit outside.
JOE: It’s raining.
BETTY: It stopped.
JOE: It’s wet then.
HENRY: If you think there’s room.
JOE: Of course there’s room.
(Everyone starts to squeeze together; Joanne stands.)
JOANNE: Actually, look at the time. I should be off.
HENRY: I hope we’re not—
JOE: There’s plenty of—
JOANNE: Really. I just noticed the time. Thanks.
(She goes. They sit.)
PHILIP: She’s the one who bought the tickets.
HENRY: Oh. (Stands and shouts) Beautiful seats!!!
JOE: Don’t shout.
HENRY: What?
JOE: Never mind.
(Long pause.)
(To Philip) What if she gets pregnant?
(Philip quickly turns to Frankie then back to Joe.)
PHILIP: What?
JOE: Donna Silliman. On this trip. What if she got pregnant? She could you know.
PHILIP: Perhaps even as we speak.
FRANKIE: Philip!
PHILIP: But really is that our problem? (Beat) You’re not leading up to a discussion of abortion rights, are you?
JOE: No. (Laughs) No. (Beat) I could if you want.
FRANKIE: That’s OK.
(Pause. Betty and Henry eat.)
JOE: Look, while I have you all together like this.
FRANKIE: Like what?
PHILIP: He means—so uncomfortable.
BETTY: If we’re in the way—
JOE: I just want you all to know that I know I’m the chairman of the department. So you can relax. (Beat) For better or worse that is the case. And as the chairman I personally will accept full responsibility for what happens to any of the students. OK? Do you hear me—I accept full responsibility. So the rest of you can relax.
PHILIP: Good for you.
FRANKIE: Thanks.
(Short pause.)
HENRY: Baldwin, when he was chairman, would never have had the guts to say that.
(Betty sighs and turns away.)
What? What did I say?
(Awkward pause as they try to eat and drink their tea crammed together like this.)
JOE (Who has been hiding his face in the box full of tickets): Who’s going to keep the tickets? If they’re left with me they’re sure to end up lost.
(Laughs. No one else does.)
SCENE 5
WATERLOO BRIDGE
Joe and Henry walk back across the bridge from the National Theatre. Late afternoon.
JOE: Let’s stop here. Wait for them to catch up. (Beat) It’s just drizzling.
HENRY: I didn’t even notice.
(Short pause. Joe looks back. Henry looks back.)
They’re taking pictures.
(Beat.)
JOE: It was a wonderful performance, didn’t you think? (Laughs to himself) The English have such a delicious sense of humor.
HENRY: Very well put. (Beat) When he hid under the table—
JOE: You heard me laughing?
HENRY: I think I was laughing even louder.
JOE: That I very much doubt. (Laughs. Short pause) The butler was excellent. He never changed his expression.
HENRY: A very good actor.
(Short pause.)
JOE: We could keep . . . (He nods ahead) If you want.
HENRY: I don’t mind waiting.
(Short pause.)
JOE: Quite the view.
(Henry nods. Beat.)
HENRY: Though I think it’s even more impressive from the National’s side.
(Short pause.)
JOE (Suddenly turning to Henry): While I have you like—
HENRY (Who has turned at the same time, and speaks at the same time): Joe, I just want to—
(They both stop. They laugh.)
Go ahead.
JOE: No, no. Please.
(Beat.)
HENRY: I only wanted to say that— I want to apologize for the way Betty’s been acting.
JOE: Why? How has she been—?
HENRY: I don’t know what’s gotten into her. I’ve told her I think she’s being quite a drag on the whole—
JOE: Henry, she’s—
HENRY: Why, I don’t know. Maybe it’s the pressure about the job. I try to tell her things do work out. (Laughs) But— (Smiles and shrugs) Maybe she’s just a little homesick.
JOE: Maybe.
(Beat.)
HENRY: When this whole trip is over I’m sure she’ll realize what a good time she had.
JOE: Of course she will. (Short pause) Quite the view. (Beat) Sometimes I think it all looks like a postcard. That I’m inside a postcard. You ever feel that way? (He turns and faces Henry, putting his hand on his shoulders)
HENRY: A lot.
(Joe smiles and nods and begins to turn back.)
So what were you—? You were going to say something. (Beat) You started—
JOE: Henry . . . (Beat) Look, I have no right to ask you for a favor.
HENRY: What are you talking about? You can say this with all the favors you have done me?
JOE: I’ve done nothing. (Beat) You paid your own way here. What you do with your time—
HENRY: Ask me the favor, Joe. Ask me!
JOE: Promise me, if you don’t want to—
HENRY: Ask, for Christ’s sake.
(Short pause.)
JOE (Turning and looking over the Thames): Philip is staying behind tomorrow. To wait for Donna Silliman. (Beat) The Amherst class is due to check back into their hotel by two tomorrow. We think it’s a fair guess that Donna will be at ours around the same time.
HENRY: So Phil’s going to be waiting at the hotel. I think that is a very good idea. I support this, Joe.
JOE: Good. (Beat) I’m pleased you agree. I am. I need your support.
HENRY: You can always count on that.
JOE: I know. I do. (Short pause) But that wasn’t the favor, Henry. (Beat) Phil, I think, should have some company while he’s waiting.
HENRY: And that’s what you want me to do.
JOE: I have no right to ask this.
HENRY: You have every right. Donna’s been one of my students. I have a responsibility here as well.
JOE: That’s very very generous, Henry.
HENRY: Bull. It’s what anyone would do. So—it’s settled. I’ll stay behind. Have you talked to Phil about this?
JOE: He suggested it.
HENRY: I’m flattered.
JOE: He wanted company. (Beat) He wanted your company.
HENRY: Who likes to be alone? Should we keep out hotel rooms for the day?
JOE: No. I don’t want this costing you anything. You can wait in the lobby. And the second she shows up, you and Phil bring Donna to Stratford.
HENRY: By train?
JOE: I suppose so. I leave that up to you. Maybe there’s a bus. I don’t know. (Beat) Henry, you do this and I think the department will owe you at least a dinner.
HENRY: I don’t expect anything.
JOE: And we’ll make sure Betty’s—
HENRY: She won’t give you any trouble.
JOE: I meant, w
e’ll look after her. (Short pause) Beautiful night. The rain makes it very impressionistic. (Beat) I wonder how much a sign like that cost.
HENRY: Just the electricity. The number of flashing bulbs.
JOE: The National Theatre really must have money.
HENRY (Looking back): They’re coming now.
JOE (Ignoring him, recites):
This City now doth, like a garment, wear
The beauty of the morning; silent, bare,
Ships, towers, domes, theatres, and temples lie
Open unto the fields, and to the sky . . .
(Beat.)
HENRY: Wrong bridge.
JOE: Yes. I know.
HENRY: I didn’t mean to—
JOE (Ignoring him): The last time I was on this trip, I tried to get Baldwin to get a group, students, some of the teachers, whoever wanted to, nothing formal, and we’d all get up very early and go to Westminster Bridge, and just as the sun began to rise, we’d read—
HENRY: That poem.
JOE (Turning to Henry): Just how Wordsworth wrote it. But Baldwin said who the hell would get up at dawn.
HENRY: He’s wrong. I would. (Beat) Maybe when we get back to London—
JOE: You think others would come?
(Betty and Frankie enter, both under umbrellas.)
BETTY (To Henry): Others would come where? And how much does it cost?
FRANKIE (To Joe): Aren’t you soaked? Here, get under the umbrella.
(He does.)
HENRY: It’s a surprise. Right, Joe? For when we all get back.
(Philip enters with his camera.)
PHILIP: Wait a minute. Let me get one of the four of you.
(They stop and turn to him.)
FRANKIE: When we get back from where?
JOE: From Stratford.
FRANKIE: Right, now we go to Stratford.
(As she finishes her line, flash from camera.)
JOE: Another one.
(Awkward pause as they wait for Philip to take the photo.)
ACT TWO
SCENE 6
IN FRONT OF THE ROYAL SHAKESPEARE THEATRE, STRATFORD-UPON-AVON
Joe and an American man, during the interval of the matinee. Joe has a rolled-up poster under his arm and eats ice cream from a cup; the American smokes a cigarette and looks through a program.
AMERICAN: They don’t have any pictures of the actors in their costumes. (Beat) Did you notice?
(Joe shakes his head.)
A shame. The costumes are terrific.
JOE: Please. (Beat) Please, don’t shout.
Goodnight Children Everywhere and Other Plays Page 5