Goodnight Children Everywhere and Other Plays

by Richard Nelson

  HENRY: Except for about three minutes when I went into a gas station for directions. I already told Joe this.

  PHILIP: You already . . .? You knew about this? When did Donna—?

  JOE: As soon as you got here. I talked to Henry before the show.

  PHILIP (To Henry): So throughout the play—

  HENRY: Joe made me promise not to say anything. He wanted to get to the truth first. (Beat) And I think that was the right decision, Joe.

  PHILIP: But you told Betty?

  HENRY: I’ve always made it clear, you tell me something, you are telling her something. I do not keep secrets from her.

  PHILIP (To Joe): He tells Betty. (Beat) And it wasn’t three minutes in that gas station! It was more like thirty, forty seconds, Henry. (Short pause) Anyway, I didn’t do anything. Why would I do something like that? What am I crazy, Joe?

  (Long pause.)

  JOE: I don’t think she’s going to make a fuss. She was as scared about being yelled at for staying out and missing the bus here . . . (Beat) Katie and I took her out for dinner this evening. That’s why I missed the play. I figured something had to be done.

  PHILIP: To bribe her you mean?

  JOE: She’s quite relaxed about it all now, I think. You saw her. (Beat) A few hours ago . . . Sit down, Phil.

  (Philip hesitates, then sits.)

  HENRY: Betty’s waiting in the lobby. She wants to take a walk. After sitting all day in the theatre— (Beat) It’s hardly even drizzling anymore.

  JOE: Good.

  (Henry hesitates, then leaves.)

  God, what an evening!

  PHILIP: What I do not understand is: are you saying you believe this girl.

  JOE: No. (Beat) Of course not.

  PHILIP: Thank you. Thank you.

  JOE: Frankie called the dean—

  PHILIP: The dean? Frankie? She also knew?

  JOE: She’s the one who got me. As a woman I think Donna—

  PHILIP: Bullshit!!

  JOE: As a woman I think Donna found it easier to talk to her. Initially. Then I came into the picture. As the chairman of the department.

  PHILIP: What did the dean say?

  JOE: Donna’s been having a lot of trouble of late. She’s close to failing. This course—if we decided to flunk her . . . (Beat) I promised her we wouldn’t by the way.

  PHILIP: Another bribe?

  JOE: I just didn’t think it was right. A whole academic career should not come down to a course like— I mean, you can’t force someone to go to the theatre. (Laughs. Beat) The dean respects you, Phil. (Beat) Not once did he suggest anything but respect for you. He said that if you denied trying to molest—

  PHILIP (Standing up): Of course I deny it! What am I now, a rapist?!!

  (Short pause; he hesitates then sits down.)

  JOE: Then when you have this sort of thing, where it’s one person’s word against another’s. And there’s no proof. And there isn’t, Phil. She couldn’t show Frankie one scratch or anything. Then it’s the dean’s policy to not get involved if he can help it. (Beat) I respect him for that. He said basically that I should ignore the matter as best I could. (Beat) He even said we shouldn’t have called. This sort of thing, it’s best to keep it— You know. You see I’m learning my job. (Smiles) Things get so damn complicated. And then there’s the fact that we’re friends. I wouldn’t want people to have accused me of—

  PHILIP: You’re not the one being accused!! (Short pause) Henry’s wrong about the three minutes.

  JOE: He just wanted to be safe. He didn’t want to underestimate.

  PHILIP: Fuck. (Beat) One messed-up girl accuses me of pawing her and you, Henry, Frankie, the dean, Betty— Who else did you call? Baldwin?

  JOE: Yes.

  PHILIP: You called Baldwin? (Beat) You called Baldwin? I don’t believe it.

  JOE: He said he remembers warning you once about—

  PHILIP: About what?!

  JOE: Something about a girl, he couldn’t remember.

  PHILIP: When I was a student!

  JOE: Ah. He didn’t say that.

  PHILIP: I was fucked-up over this girl. Another student! I wasn’t fucking molesting anyone!!!

  JOE: I just had to be sure. (Beat) I didn’t know what to do. Baldwin suggested I call the dean. That’s where that came from. So blame him, Phil. He said I should protect myself. (Beat) I talked it over with Frankie. She agreed to make the call. I think hearing about it from a woman . . . We didn’t want to scare the dean. (Beat) We thought this was a great idea. I was happy to have her the one who called. (Beat) The dean could have said—get her on the next plane. Get you on the next plane. He could have said a million things. We didn’t know. But now—it’s over. There will be no report, nothing. This I have learned. (Beat) Katie, by the way, was here the whole time tonight. Donna can’t change her story. Or add to it now. Katie heard everything. That was my idea.

  PHILIP (Quietly): But you thought that I could—

  JOE: Let’s go to a restaurant. I think we can still get a drink in a restaurant. Let me buy you a drink. (Beat. Not looking at him) How was the play? You know I felt awful letting my ticket just waste like that. I wish I could have found somebody. There must have been somebody. If I had known I’d have given it to our maid. She’d have been thrilled. A free ticket to Antony and Cleopatra. (Beat) I feel bad. You’re hurt. I don’t want you to be hurt.

  PHILIP: You know, Henry probably said three minutes hoping it’d get me into trouble. He’s going to need a job soon after all.

  JOE: Phil, Henry wouldn’t—

  PHILIP: I’m joking.

  JOE: Don’t even joke like that. People don’t act that way. (Short pause) So—should we go?

  PHILIP: I did touch her shoulder. I remember this. She was staring out of the car. I asked her if she needed to go to the bathroom. She said nothing. So I touched her shoulder.

  JOE: There’s nothing wrong with that. You were trying to get her attention, right? (Short pause) Frankie said she’d leave a note at the desk about where she’d be eating. So if we felt like joining her . . . (Beat) Do you feel like joining her? She was a great help with Donna. You should know this. She never let up for a minute. Even more than me she never believed Donna Silliman for a second. She was right there—demanding to know which breast. Everything. She even yelled at her. Right from the beginning, she— (Beat) She cared, Phil. (Beat) But that shouldn’t come as a surprise, because she—

  PHILIP: Sleeps with me? Is that what you’re going to say? That it took a woman I sleep with to defend me from attempted rape?!! (Beat) Thanks. Thanks a lot. That makes me feel a whole lot better.

  (Pause.)

  JOE: No. (Beat) I wasn’t going to say . . .

  (Short pause.)

  PHILIP (Looking up at Joe): You knew about us, didn’t you? You assume everyone knows that sort of thing. We haven’t exactly been subtle about it. I think even Howard knows.

  JOE: Of course I knew. (Laughs) Sure.

  (He didn’t know and now Philip knows this.)

  But what I was going to say was . . . Well, she’s a friend. (Beat) That’s what I wanted to say. The other—That has nothing to do with this, I’m sure. (Pause) How was the play? I can’t tell you how much I wanted to see it. Of all the plays to miss. You know I’m working on an article on Antony and Cleopatra. How often do you get the chance . . .

  PHILIP (Without looking at him): There’s a matinee tomorrow. I could take over the class.

  JOE: No, no. It’s my turn. (Beat) Let me think about it. (Beat) Anyway, this morning I was working on it. Amazing what you can still discover. Things hidden everywhere! (Beat) You read and read and read and still you find things. (Beat) In the fourth act there’s a scene. Eros is putting armor on Antony and Cleopatra’s there? (He turns to Philip who nods) Well this is—iconographically speaking— The Arming of Mars, Phil. It’s the painting brought to life! Eros is Cupid, see. Antony is Mars, of course. And Cleopatra, she’s even referred to as Venus in the play, isn’t
she? (Beat) She is. So what I’ve discovered is: Shakespeare has gone and written a scene and based it on a painting! (Shakes his head) Structurally then, here is a representation not of life, but of another representation!!

  (Short pause.)

  PHILIP: That’s—publishable.

  (Short pause.)

  JOE: Maybe I should clean up this mess.

  (He begins to pick up the glasses off the table, dumps the ashes from the ashtray into a glass, crumples up little bits of garbage, etc.)

  SCENE 9

  PIZZA HUT, UNION STREET, STRATFORD-UPON-AVON

  Later that night. Frankie at a table; Joe is taking off his coat and sitting down. Frankie has a pizza and a pitcher of beer in front of her.

  FRANKIE: I think it’s supposed to close in—

  JOE: He’s just taking a short walk. But if you want to go, we—

  FRANKIE: No, I was just— When I ordered they said they close in— (She looks at her watch)

  JOE: I don’t want anything anyway.

  (He starts to stand up.)

  FRANKIE (Looking around): But I guess they’ll tell us.

  JOE: True enough.

  (He sits back down. Frankie eats.)

  Take your time. (Short pause) He said he’d only be a minute or so. (Beat) He wanted a few minutes by himself.

  FRANKIE: How’s he doing? How did he take it?

  JOE: What was there to take? Everything was settled. Wasn’t it?

  FRANKIE: Still just to be accused of something like . . . (Shrugs, eats) That’s got to make you . . . I don’t know. (Beat) A little bitch tries to save her butt and almost ruins your career? I mean, in different hands, Joe, something like this— His heart must have stopped for a few beats. Mine would have. (Beat) The world can start to look pretty scary if you let it.

  JOE: Yeah. (Beat) But he must have known that you and I would never . . .

  FRANKIE: Once he caught his breath, but before that . . . What a nightmare for him. (She pours some beer) You’re sure you don’t want—

  (Joe shakes his head.)

  JOE: Save it for Phil. (Short pause) I think taking her out to dinner helped out a lot. Good idea.

  FRANKIE: Thanks.

  JOE: Once she relaxed.

  FRANKIE: Once you said we weren’t going to flunk her.

  (He shrugs.)

  The department I think should pay for— And not just hers, but your dinner as well, Joe.

  (He shrugs.)

  I’m serious. Did Katie go with you, too?

  JOE: She was a big help.

  FRANKIE: I told you she would be. So then the department should pay for her dinner as well. It was business, Joe, remember that. (Beat) Keep the receipt. (Short pause) How much was dinner?

  JOE: We ate at a pub.

  (Short pause.)

  FRANKIE: Henry says they got cheated on the car rental.

  JOE: Shit.

  FRANKIE: They were in a hurry, so— He and Phil are going to argue with them tomorrow.

  JOE: Good luck.

  FRANKIE: They should have kept it until tomorrow. We could have all gone for a drive. Wouldn’t have cost any more, except for mileage.

  JOE: They weren’t thinking.

  FRANKIE: Henry didn’t want to park it on the street.

  JOE: Oh.

  FRANKIE: Makes sense.

  (He nods. Short pause.)

  JOE: How was the play tonight?

  FRANKIE: That’s right, of all the plays for you to have missed—

  JOE: I’m thinking of seeing the matinee. Phil offered to—

  FRANKIE: Do it, you won’t regret it.

  JOE: What with the article I’m writing—

  FRANKIE: You told me. That’s why I said of all the plays . . .

  JOE: Oh right.

  (Pause.)

  FRANKIE: Joe. I want to say that I think you handled this whole—problem—perfectly. I thought you should hear someone say that.

  JOE: Thank you. I appreciate it. (Beat) We try. (Laughs) Thanks, Frankie.

  FRANKIE: The worst-case scenario would have been to try and keep it from the school. Better have the dean think you’re too cautious than— No one likes surprises. You can’t be too careful.

  JOE: No.

  FRANKIE: You’ve really got to protect yourself, don’t you? Even when it’s a silly obvious lie like this; it still could have snowballed. That little bitch . . . (Beat) I couldn’t have had dinner with her, Joe. I lied when I said since you weren’t, then I should be at the play. I couldn’t have even sat and looked at her. (Beat) To accuse Phil. A man I—

  JOE (Interrupting): Respect.

  FRANKIE: I think we both do. Why not one of us next?

  JOE: You can’t be too careful, you’re right.

  FRANKIE: It’s frightening.

  JOE: Absolutely. (Short pause. Without looking at her) We’re sure he didn’t do what she said he did?

  FRANKIE: Joe?? How can you—?

  JOE: We’re positive?

  FRANKIE: He’s our friend! He’s your best friend!

  JOE: Who knows anything about their friends?

  FRANKIE: That’s a sad admission. (Looks at him) What don’t you think you know?

  (Finally he turns away and shrugs.)

  JOE: I will have a little of that. (Pours some beer into a glass) What’s important is that we have been fair to all sides.

  FRANKIE: I can agree with that.

  JOE: I’m sure Phil understood what I had to do.

  FRANKIE: If he doesn’t, he will. Come on, you’re already a ten times better chairman than Baldwin ever was.

  JOE: I agree. (Laughs to himself) He was an asshole. (Beat) He is an asshole.

  (He laughs. She laughs.)

  FRANKIE: It’s going to be a pleasure serving under you, sir.

  (She smiles and salutes. He smiles, shrugs, then nods. Pause.)

  By the way, Joe, the other day when you asked why I hadn’t answered the door when you had knocked? Late at night. (Beat) Remember that?

  JOE: I remember.

  FRANKIE: I realized later— (Beat) I’m not that sound a sleeper to sleep through a guy knocking for— I’ll bet you knocked for a while.

  JOE: I did.

  FRANKIE: Anyway, I realized that I hadn’t been in my room at that time. What time was it?

  JOE: About four.

  FRANKIE: I’d had trouble sleeping. Jet lag. I guess. And so I’d gone out walking. Imagine a woman going out walking say in New York. (Laughs)

  JOE: She wouldn’t.

  FRANKIE: No. (Beat) So if it ever comes up, why it would I don’t know—I was out walking. (Beat) Howard knows I’m not a sound sleeper.

  (Joe looks down.)

  I called Howard today. There’s two feet of snow.

  JOE: There’s always two feet of snow.

  FRANKIE: So—nothing’s changed. I told him we were having a wonderful time.

  JOE: Except for all the girls claiming Phil’s trying to rape them.

  (She hesitates, then laughs. He does not laugh.)

  FRANKIE (Laughing): At least we can laugh about it now. (Short pause) I also told Howard how you and I had been palling around a lot together. Spending a lot of time— He liked to hear that.

  (Frankie looks at Joe, who looks back. Philip enters.)

  PHILIP: You’re still here.

  JOE: They’re about to close.

  FRANKIE: Sit down. We have a few minutes yet. Here, finish my beer. I’m sure you can use it.

  (Philip sits.)

  JOE: How was the walk?

  (Philip nods.)

  FRANKIE: Must have been a traumatic night.

  PHILIP: I’m fine.

  FRANKIE: Joe was saying how well you took—

  PHILIP: I just wish to God someone would have just asked me. That’s all.

  JOE: Come on, I did ask—

  PHILIP: To be the last person on the goddamn earth to know! You know what that feels like?!

  FRANKIE: Joe did what he thought was best.

>   PHILIP: For Joe!

  JOE: That’s not fair.

  FRANKIE: He’s just learning his job.

  JOE: Don’t apologize for me. A minute ago—

  PHILIP: He still has a lot to learn about how to treat people.

  FRANKIE: He’s sorry, Phil.

  JOE: I’m not! (Beat) How the hell did I know you didn’t try to fuck her?!! (Short pause) I know now of course. (Beat. He whispers) I wished to avoid accusing you. I was trying to do what was right.

  FRANKIE: He was, Phil. That’s what Joe was trying to do.

  (Short pause. Philip takes the crust left from Frankie’s pizza and eats.)

  JOE: Frankie called Howard today.

  (Philip looks at Frankie.)

  There’s two feet of snow.

  FRANKIE: He sends his best to everyone.

  (Beat.)

  PHILIP: Nice guy, Howard.

  JOE: Phil, Frankie was saying that the other night—when I knocked on her door, she wasn’t asleep. She was out—walking.

  PHILIP: Frankie, he knows about—

  JOE: I don’t know anything!

  (Frankie looks to Philip, then to Joe. Pause.)

  FRANKIE: I don’t know about you two but I’m exhausted. How long was that play? (Beat) To be honest, I think it was about a week ago that I suddenly started to feel that if I had to see one more play— (Beat) One more three-and-a-half-hour play. (Beat) The fannies the English must have. Tough as leather. (Short pause) But that passed. Once I saw the light at the end of the tunnel. Once I had that feeling of being over the hump. (Laughs) Come on, they’re closing.

  PHILIP: We can finish our beers. (Beat) The play we’re seeing on Tuesday is supposed to be very interesting. I was reading about it.

  FRANKIE: Which one is that?

  PHILIP: I forget the title. But it’s a new play. Very political they say.

  JOE: That’ll be fascinating. That’s very English.

  FRANKIE: True.

  (Beat.)

  JOE: In the tradition of Shaw.

  PHILIP: Please God, don’t let it be that!

  (Philip laughs; Frankie laughs; then Joe laughs lightly.)

  JOE (After a big yawn): I don’t know about you but I’m ready to go home.

  SCENE 10

  WESTMINSTER BRIDGE

  Early morning. It is raining, cold and windy. Henry, Frankie, Betty, Philip, and Katie have come with Joe to Westminster Bridge. They all hold a single piece of paper. Joe reads from a book of poetry by Wordsworth.