by Danae Ayusso
I should be throwing up in my mouth, swinging and trying to attack him.
But I’m not.
I actually like the way this feels…
Like how he feels.
Huh, interesting.
“I’m terrified of water,” I whispered, hugging my knees to my chest. “Anything past my knees is too deep.”
He nodded his understanding. “What happened?”
Here goes nothing.
“The first memory I have… The first thing I remember ever, is looking up at my mom through a veil of water.”
His eyes widened.
“Her hands were around my neck,” I whispered, “and she was strangling the life out of me since drowning wasn’t fast enough for her.”
“Ta Gueule!” he gasped.
I shook my head, closing my eyes and when I did, a tear rolled down my cheek. “Plus ça change, plus c'est pareil,” I said, opening my eyes.
He was kneeling on the grass directly in front of me, his eyes glassy with unshed tears. “Do not cry,” he pleaded, his voice thick with emotion. “Never shed a tear for that which you cannot change.”
“Now you tell me,” I said with a humorless chuckle.
His long, slender hands cupped my face and I gasped.
I feel him, feel the heat of his touch, the slight callouses on his fingers, the strength in his hands, the delicateness of his touch…
How is this possible?
Tenderly he wiped away the tears staining my cheeks with his thumbs before leaning into me more.
“C'est pour toi que je suis là,” he whispered, his lips so close to mine that I could taste him on my tongue.
That can’t be right.
“You are only here for me when no one else is,” I meekly whispered.
“And that is all I can be until…” his words trailed off and he shook his head. “Toi et moi, ça ne changera pas… You and me, it doesn’t change,” he whispered, bringing his lips closer to mine.
My lips parted and I held my breath.
Never had I wanted to lose myself in another than I did at that moment, and I knew it was wrong in every way possible. This isn’t right, none of it makes sense, and yet the genius minded side of me that demands to know the reason for everything didn’t care. All I wanted was to feel my smug Frenchman, my blanky’s soft, full lips against mine, and to have him take my breath away as he kept inadvertently doing with each stolen glance.
Nakeva barked, causing me to jump, startled, and it pulled us apart.
My Frenchman’s head snapped towards the long driveway and the truck driving up it. “Regrettably, I must go. Until we speak again, mon chaton,” he whispered. He quickly kissed me on the forehead then was gone in a blur of movement, disappearing into the woods.
The breath I was holding rushed out of me and I fell back to the grass, gasping for air.
Nakeva stretched out alongside me and rested her maw in her paws.
Was it possible that she was playing wingman? Honestly, it wouldn’t be the strangest thing today.
“Thank you,” I whispered, breathlessly, and she winked.
By the time Price joined us, I was semi composed.
“Did you have fun?” Price asked, offering me a hand up. “Or, at the very least, worked out what has been keeping you up?”
“Yes and no. I worked up a sweat playing ball,” I said, taking his offered hand and he pulled me to my feet. “Thanks.”
“It was nothing. We finished in Missoula sooner than I thought we would.” He offered me my hoodie I had left by the garage.
“Thanks.” I took it and when I did, a second sweater slipped from my fingers, landing on the grass.
No, it isn’t possible.
What isn’t?
I bent down and picked the sweater up.
It isn’t possible.
There is no way…
What’s going on? Justice demanded.
It was real, the sweatshirt was real: heavy cotton with a hood, Jordan logo on the breast in white against the ash gray body. It was cold to the touch, but that was to be expected since it was on the ground with mine. When I brought it to my nose, and I inhaled the fabric, it was like a fist to the gut and I started shaking before everything started to spin and my legs gave out and I collapsed.
Chapter Thirteen
Delusions Aren’t Harmless
There was a soft knock at the door before Shep popped his head inside. “Hey, you okay?” he asked, slipping into the room.
Absently I nodded from the window seat.
After fainting, Price tried taking me to the hospital. Thankfully, I woke up before he could get me to the truck. I assured him it was low blood sugar, which it could have been. I hadn’t eaten since the afternoon prior, and I had played soccer with Price and then basketball with him before my Frenchman took over for hours. Then the opening up about my fear of water…
It pushed me over the edge.
I’m sure the sweater I had been wearing, that didn’t belong to me, was a big part of why I fainted.
Shep offered me a couple of candy bars. “Price said to bring you a treat to eat, to help your blood sugar,” he explained.
Absently I took the stack of candy bars from him, my attention on the rolling water of the fountain below.
“Do you need to talk?” he pressed, sitting on the edge of my bed.
What was there to talk about?
Oh, I know! How about the delusion that somehow left a hundred-thirty dollar sweatshirt at my house after we played basketball for hours?
“What’s with the woods?” I asked.
“I don’t know what you mean,” Shep said, his voice many octaves higher than it should have been, which told me he was lying.
I looked over at him. “The house is haunted, the dogs possess a higher level of intelligence, the woods are haunted, there’s a body count during the tourist season… Is it more than that?”
Shep shook his head then shrugged. “It’s lots of things, Mikhail. I can’t really explain it, and I’m not supposed to. I know that I’m not as smart as you, but if you need to talk, I’m here for you.”
And use nothing but monosyllabic words so he can understand us? No thanks.
Stop being a bitch. I liked you so much better when you were M.I.A..
“Why do you ask about the woods?” he pressed. “That sweatshirt is way too big for you.”
I smiled despite myself. “I know,” I agreed.
Too large was an understatement!
I wore a medium and swam in it because of how skinny I am, the XXL sweater looks like a dress on me, the sleeves going well past my fingertips and the length going midway down my thighs.
The sweater was comfortable and smelled heavily of my delusion, and I didn’t want to take it off. I was scared that if I did, it’d disappear just as he does.
“It’s comfortable and feels like home,” I said, looking back out the window and rested my head against the glass.
Shep sighed, pushing his hand through his long blond hair. “Are you still struggling to adjust to the time zone difference?” he asked.
Is he making small talk? That is beneath us in so many ways that it’s insulting.
I shrugged. “No, I have it down now. I haven’t called and woken everyone back east up at the butt-crack of dawn so that’s progress. Even in Philly I wasn’t much of a stay up late type of person. Whenever possible I’d crash early to get as much sleep as possible because sometimes sleep didn’t come easy or I was running so I couldn’t sleep…” my words trailed off. “Sorry, I shouldn’t have said that.”
“It’s okay,” Shep assured me. “I love listening to you talk, even if I don’t understand some of it. But I’m trying.”
What a pathetic little creature.
Shut up.
“You haven’t gone for your morning walks in a couple of days,” he pressed. “Do you not need the alone time anymore to clear your head?”
Again, I shrugged.
That
wasn’t what my problem was in the least. I didn’t need to clear my head, I just needed to talk and have him listen. When he talked, I listened…
He’s real, or different or something. I don’t know. I’m confused and I don’t like it. Price assured me it was exactly what I needed at the time. That wasn’t helpful in the least because I wanted him to tell me what in the hell was going on!
My Frenchman didn’t stay away.
I sat in the window and looked down at him, looking up at me. Then he appeared on the roof and sat and rested his head against the glass separating us and just sat there until my door opened and Ellie came in with lunch, then he was gone in a blur.
It wasn’t right that I didn’t need to say a single word to feel sane when he was around. Neither of us said anything, didn’t touch, didn’t even look at the other, but in that welcomed silence I felt safe and sane and home.
It isn’t right because it feels right.
That’s all I know to expect from life.
When something feels right, it isn’t.
“You don’t walk at night,” Shep said, pulling my attention. He was looking at me, his eyes moving over the sweatshirt I wore for some reason. “That sweater is way too big for you.”
“XXL usually hangs on me like a dress,” I agreed.
“Then why wear it?” he asked, his hands balling into fists on his lap.
I gave him a look.
What has his bitch knickers in a twist?
Good question.
“I already told you,” I said. “I’m comfortable and it smells like home. What’s your problem?”
“Do you see things in the woods?” he asked.
I gave him a look.
Uh… Huh? This is… Did you slip up when I wasn’t looking?
No, I promise. I’ve kept my mouth shut pretty well when in the company of those that actually exist.
What do you mean actually exist? Are you talking shit about me?
“Do you?” Shep asked again.
“A creepy little white bitch with rank ass breath,” I said.
His fists unclenched and his head tilted to the side. “A little girl?”
I nodded then shrugged. “Bitch wants to play but I’m not in the mood for her or her shit, so I’ve been ignoring her.”
He laughed, shaking his head. “Nice. So you’ve been ignoring a little girl on your morning walks?”
“No,” I scoffed. “That bitch only comes out at night.”
His small smile fell. “She comes out at night? What’s in the morning?”
Unable to stop myself, I smiled.
“I see,” he hissed, getting to his feet.
“You see them too?” I asked, confused by his response.
“Oh yeah. I’ve seen one of them…” his words trailed off and he headed from the room, the door slamming shut behind him.
Huh, so that’s how you get rid of the annoying puppy. Nice.
“That wasn’t the response I was expecting,” I admitted, watching below as he headed from the house and to the garage.
What’d you expect? Him to grasp that we see weird shit that no one else does?
“Well, yeah, but he acts like he’s seen one of them.”
Which one?
“The one you don’t like.”
I don’t like any of them. Which one are you hiding from me?
I smirked. “The really hot one,” I mused, watching Shep’s old pickup go racing down the driveway. “Price is going to kick his ass for that. It startles the horses.”
Don’t you dare change the subject on me.
I looked from the dusty driveway to my reflection in the glass.
She was waiting for a response.
“I do have a life outside of the insanity you’ve caused my existence to be,” I reminded her.
The reflection glared at me.
Interesting. The tables have turned, as they say, and the little kitten has claws finally. You may think you are the bitch in charge, but you aren’t. I will forever be the one that protect us, that watches out for us, and that does what is in the best interest of us. Do you understand?
“If I say yes, will you leave me alone?” I asked.
The reflection shook her head.
“Then why should I agree?” I sneered.
Because you have something I can take from you that I wouldn’t mind losing as well.
My eyes widened.
Exactly. Fuck with me and you’ll find out just how heartless the Wicked Bitch of North Philly can truly be. Do you understand?
I nodded.
Good. Don’t make me show you just how serious I am.
This isn’t going to end well for anyone, I just know it.
****
Price and Ellie roared with laughter, and Nick shook his head with a chuckle.
I looked around, confused.
How did I get in the living room?
I was spending time with Daddy Dearest and Grams. I told you not to fuck with me.
Wait, what?
Ellie wiped the tears from her eyes. “Very well. I think we’ve finished the conspiracy,” she said, looking over the pad of paper in her hand. “Ready to have your mind blown?” she teased. “In order to understand American politics you need to realize that everything is controlled by a religious underground made up of space aliens,” she said ominously and Price laughed. “The conspirators are sinister and their conspiracy began in America, during the Roosevelt Administration. The conspirators have been responsible for many events throughout history, including the feminist movement,” she said.
Nick laughed, falling back in his chair.
“It gets better,” Ellie warned with a wink. “Today members of the conspiracy are everywhere. They can be identified only by their membership in the Learned Elders of Zion!”
Price fell over laughing.
I have officially entered the damn twilight zone.
“The conspirators have help from powerful elite corrupt politicians, and the conspiracy benefits undeserving lazy, sinful, and subversive parasitical white closeted homosexual Christian; at the expense of straight white heterosexual, sexually frustrated, males. The conspirators want to drain the precious bodily fluids from all true patriots, and round up and restrain resisters in their own bodies using mind control and fetish clubs. They are using black-booted Stormtroopers established by a corporate Apple state. In order to prepare for this, we all must kill them all…let God sort them out. All of this was revealed years ago by Hitler. Since the media is controlled by political correctness you should get your information only from pretribulationist premillennial dispensationalists.” She bowed before laughing with the other two.
What in the hell did I miss?
We’ve been playing a fun game of conspiracy theory for the past couple of hours. It was rather amusing, and apparently I’m rather creative and our antiestablishment grandmother is all about kicking the man’s ass and taking names. Isn’t that good to know?
I hate you so much right now.
I warned you.
I didn’t do anything!
You’re hiding something from me, and I will figure out what it is.
“Mikhail?” Price asked with a chuckle, wiping the tears from his eyes. “Do you bow in concession to your warped grandmother?”
Not sure what they were talking about, I nodded.
Ellie threw her arms in the air in triumph. “Suck it, Geniuses!” she beamed then started dancing in her seat.
Price shook his head, watching her with a smile on his face.
You can thank me later.
Yeah, not likely.
“You okay, Mikey?” Nick asked.
Was I?
“Yeah, sorry,” I said. “Congrats, Grams. You whooped the geniuses’ asses.”
Ellie smiled wide.
The front door opened before slamming shut again.
We turned to regard Shep when he walked into the living room, holding a balled up shirt against his bleeding nose.
/>
“What in the hell happened?” Nick demanded.
“I don’t want to talk about it,” Shep grumbled. “Grams, can you grab the medical kit? I need some Band-Aids,” he said before heading from the living room.
Nick looked from Shep’s retreating form to Price. “Do I even want to know?” he asked, getting to his feet.
Price shook his head. “I’ll talk to you about it later. Expect a call, I’m sure.”
Ellie and Nick hurried from the room to help Shep.
Price looked at me. “Are you okay?” he asked.
“No, not really,” I admitted, looking around confused. “Why is he bloody? Did he fall off a horse or something?”
He shook his head. “If I had to venture a guess, he hit something and it hit back. The bloody knuckles would support that theory. Why aren’t you concerned?”
“I’m not?” I asked.
Whenever you take over I end up being completely out of it later as if I’m stoned! I hope you’re happy.
Not really. Nothing is more insulting than being compared to a stoner or being accused of being on drugs. We are above that in every way. Though, I mirror Daddy’s concern for you. I thought the blond puppy was your friend.
“He is my friend,” I said. “I just don’t know why he’s… It’s my fault, isn’t it?”
Price looked at me curiously. “Are you asking me or arguing with your Philly minded side?”
Damn, he’s getting good.
I nodded. “Yes on both accounts. I’m sorry, I’m out of it.”
He forced a smile. “I figured it was the other one,” he said.
“What do you mean?”
Good question.
Price offered a small smile. “Justice is different than Mikhail. She wears her intelligence on her sleeve, is a bit more argumentative at times, cynical and scathing, and reminds me of my twin Ryan and your mother before she lost her faculties. You, Mikhail, are more like me and more conscience ridden than Justice is.”
Oh shit. My bad. I totally take the blame for this one.
“Are you going to send me away?” I whispered, pulling my knees to my chest and hugged them.
“Of course not, Mikhail. Why would I do that?” he asked. “I completely understand, and it’s nothing to concern yourself with. Is this what you’ve been hiding from me?” he asked, turning serious.
One of many things.