by Karen Lynn
“No! That's not what I meant, or what I want...” Don't start that crying shit again Kristen, stay strong!
How could she convince him if she wasn’t sure what she really meant or wanted herself? All she knew with any certainty was she couldn’t walk on egg shells for the rest of her life.
“Then explain it to me Kristen. I'm listening.” Desperate to get her to open up to him, he stepped out of range, tapping Alex’s back lightly while peeking at her.
She wanted to run. “Lots of people stay friends with their former spouses...”
That does it! He exploded. “I knew it! This has to do with fucking Logan all over again! Why don't we just forget it! Stay with him!” In a fury, he lurched out of reach when she got too close, accidentally jerking the baby awake. He began to cry. They both froze, staring at him. With urgent rocking and cooing, Jake managed to lull him back to sleep. On the way back to the crib, he couldn’t help glancing at her, his eyes moist and helpless. When he returned to the living room his mood had changed. With his arms folded across his chest, he motioned for her to sit down. He followed, sinking down across from her.
“What do you want from me Kristen?” He mumbled, sadness etched into his face.
“I just don't want to be scared of you Jake...” Close to tears, the words fell from her mouth. At that moment she became aware of one of her greatest insecurities. Astounded by the impact it had on her, she stopped short, reflecting. Too surprised to speak, Jake stared and waited.
“Every time you blow up…I need to be sure you won't hurt me, no matter how mad you get. I don’t want to feel like you're trying to intimidate or overpower me. I won’t live like that.”
Floored by the revelation, Jake shook his head, gazing into her eyes “And you shouldn’t have to. I'm sorry if I'm such a big, scary brute.” The sarcasm behind his words quickly turned into sullenness. They were quiet for a while. She distracted herself with the sound of his heavy breathing, startled when he finally continued talking again.
“So you want to be friends with him, is that it? That's not the problem, Kristen. The problem is, you can't just be friends. Neither can he, and you know it. The problem is he’s bad news and every fucking time you are with him you fuck him or you get hurt or someone else does. Why aren't you scared of him? Why is it always me?”
Her mouth fell open as she listened, unable to ignore the extra energy he put into controlling himself. Despite the effort he exerted, she still heard the wild thumping of his heart inside a chest that heaved harder with every word. Denying those words couldn’t help her anymore.
He is right, everyone sees it. When will I? Why can’t I? Her eyes went blank.
“You know I'm right, don't you?”
Stunned back to the present, she gazed at him, but her mind was still far away. It was obvious she had to make a crucial decision fast.
“Yes, I know—but that’s not what it’s really about, Jake. It’s about us and I need you to understand me. I am asking you to stop treating me like I’m your possession…I’m asking you to help me.”
Without really intending to, she had confessed her greatest weakness. Devastated, she buried her face in her hands to hide the tears.
He never felt himself rising to go to her, yet somehow he cradled her, stroking her hair gently while she sobbed into his chest. The situation was impossible to live with, but he couldn't fool himself anymore. It would be more impossible to live without her. And Alex.
“Help you get over him?” It was one of the hardest questions he ever had to ask, but couldn’t be avoided. Waiting for the answer wasn’t any easier.
Too choked up to speak, she nodded, glancing up at him.
He went back to her words, digesting them for a moment longer. “If you would've asked me to help you with that before, it would've been a whole lot easier.”
He gave her a chance to speak, she stayed quiet. Hoping to lighten the stress, he rubbed the back of his neck. It didn’t work.
“I'll help you. As much as I can, at least. But the rest is up to you.”
For a moment her face lit up. She raised her hopeful eyes to gaze into his.
Now for the really hard part.
Holding her gaze, he continued in a low voice, “If you need to talk to him for the divorce proceedings or about your properties, okay, but I don’t want you seeing him.”
He watched closely as her body stiffened. After a pause his tone became more urgent. “If we’re married, we aren't going to see other people. That's what marriage means. Being friends with him…that’s not gonna work for me. If you can’t deal with that, then I'll let you go. Now or later—it's up to you.” It broke his heart to say it, but he couldn’t have it any other way.
“Oh.” It came out under her breath, but he heard it loud and clear. She bit her lip, wondering what else she could possibly say.
Disappointed, his face darkened. He tried to soften it with a shrug. “I'm not holding you hostage here. If it doesn't work out, you're free to get divorced, I'm not a monster. I want this to be an equal relationship, but I'm not going to live with lies or games, or you screwing around. So, what's it gonna be Kristen?”
What am I going to do? She covered her face with her hands. I wish I could just go to sleep and wake up with a solution.
An unbearable amount of time passed. She removed her hands. “I love you Jake, it’s over with me and him for good. I swear.” She lifted herself onto his lap, wrapped her arms around his neck and closed her eyes.
“We'll see.” The hurt in her eyes told him what he meant to keep under his breath had been loud enough for her ears as well. It wasn't easy to quell the shadow of doubt threatening to surface even as he ran his fingers tenderly through her hair.
I won’t let it wipe out my dreams. This is it for me, there’s no going back, no alternative. Whatever I have to do to make it work, I will.
“I love you too baby, I don't want you to feel threatened. I'm just being straight with you. If you're worried about staying in Florida for any reason, we can go to Oregon sooner. Just tell me.” Although it would hinder his career plans, if it meant securing their future without any interference from Logan, it was the only option.
“We'll see Jake; I'll do whatever it takes.” She gave him a weak smile.
“We can even go back to New York City, if that’s what you want.”
That idea had never crossed her mind. Astounded, her eyes widened as they fixed on him.
“And I’m gonna do whatever it takes also. If you want to start individual therapy, I’ll do whatever you want. Just find someone we both can feel comfortable with.”
Now he was really blowing her mind.
“Are you sure? I know we were gonna try the couples thing first and not get so intense.” Her thoughts drifted to the missed appointment. But that was after the horrible incident with Logan and everything else that occurred as a result of it.
“It doesn’t matter how I feel about it. All that matters is doing something that works. That couples thing probably wasn’t enough for us.” He hated to admit it—their problems were more severe than what he assumed a couples’ counselor could handle.
“Okay. I’ll find someone.” If he is willing to let a stranger dig into his past, how can I refuse?
Her acceptance surprised him to the point of suspicion. In spite of that, he was satisfied, at least for the time being. Things seemed to be headed in the right direction, but only time would tell.
Allowing her mind to wander, she reflected on Logan.
I wonder if he’s okay. It has to be horrible and terrifying being locked up like that. It will be difficult to forget him even after everything he’s done. And wiping him totally out of my life after everything we’ve been through like Jake’s insisting, will be even harder.
Still it had to be done and all she could do at that moment was hope she was making the right decision.
Jake's words played over and over in her brain, and she didn't distrust him for a minute. What sh
e did distrust was her ability to live up to her promise. She made a silent vow to do her best to extinguish her obsessive bond with Logan and focus solely on making it work with Jake. It was up to her to be strong and decisive. If she couldn't it would be disastrous for all of them. She crammed her eyes closed with a violent shiver, aware it was a tall order.
The sudden vibration of her phone against her leg startled her out of her trance. She sensed Jake's eyes on her, waiting to see her reaction. Without checking, she pressed the mute button, and snuggled next to him.
To be continued in Book 3: TURN TO DUST
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Karen Lynn, a native New Yorker, has always loved writing poetry and short stories with intense characters struggling to find love and survive in a troubled world. After years of working in the legal field, Karen moved with her son to Oregon. Inspired by the rain and Portland’s creative culture, Karen has been able to follow her dream of writing novels.
A Sea of Smoke is the second book in the dark romantic suspense series
A War of Hearts
Table of Contents
CHAPTER 1
CHAPTER 2
CHAPTER 3
CHAPTER 4
CHAPTER 5
CHAPTER 6
CHAPTER 7
CHAPTER 8
CHAPTER 9
CHAPTER 10
CHAPTER 11
CHAPTER 12
CHAPTER 13
CHAPTER 14
CHAPTER 15
CHAPTER 16
CHAPTER 17
CHAPTER 18
CHAPTER 19