“When did you take this?”
“The other night,” Kyle said with a soft smile.
He felt a little calmer seeing that Kyle wanted him and Jasper on his phone like that. He thought about his brothers’ cell numbers, then sent an MMS to all of them.
This is Forrester, don’t any of you say anything to Ma. You owe me the chance to do it myself.
You get a new number? How come? That was Joey.
No, this is Kyle’s phone, so don’t blow it up with stupid questions. Just keep your yap shut to Ma.
Whatever, Joey returned.
You gonna show your face at my party?
Tony.
It gave Forrester a sick thrill to type: Nope
Then he dialed Amanda, unsure if she would answer.
“Hi, Kyle,” her pleasant voice sounded. “How’s Frankie?”
“I’m fine.” He’d forgotten they swapped numbers at the club. Had that only been three days ago? It felt like a lifetime.
“Oh, hi, sweetie. How are you, really?”
He sighed, not wanting to cry. “I’m not good. Joey’s an idiot, Tony’s an asshole, and your asshole husband thinks my life is some kind of joke. How are you?”
“Hey now, Dino doesn’t think that.”
“When I said I’m gay, he laughed at me and said that’s messed-up. He literally couldn’t stop laughing.”
She was quiet for a while, and he heard all the noise on the other end of her phone. “Try to see this from Dino’s perspective. He wasn’t laughing at you. You shocked him, that’s all.”
“How about seeing it from my perspective? He owes me an apology.”
“That’s not fair to put it all on him. And you shouldn’t have said all that stuff. Talking about sperm or whatever.”
“I’m sure as hell not apologizing. I didn’t do anything wrong.”
She sighed. “You talk to Ma yet?”
“No. I’m taking her for chemo Tuesday. I guess three hours of sitting will be plenty of time to talk.”
“I take it you’re not coming to Tony’s party?”
“Nope. That fucker owes me an apology too. And so does Joey, for that matter.”
“Yup, it’s all their fault, isn’t it?”
Her sarcasm shocked him. “I thought you were on my side.”
“I am, but you’re being a whiny bitch.”
“You serious?”
“Yes. Man up and confront your idiot brothers and move on with this. Ma’s got ca—” She stopped her tirade short. “You know…. Well? She’s gonna need all of you meatheads to get along. I’ve been reading online that if there’s tension in a family, then people don’t heal as well. You want that?”
“That’s a low blow,” he began, stunned.
“But it’s true, whether you like it or not.” Her voice softened. “Listen, I can’t understand how hard this is for you. You gotta remember I’ve watched you all these years, knowing the truth, so my perspective is different. Same with Tony’s.”
“What do you mean Tony?”
“We were talking last night—”
“You were talking about me?”
“Don’t you dare yell at me, Forrester Giordano.” She sounded so much like Ma, he snapped his trap shut immediately. “Of course we were talking about you. Have you met a Giordano before? You’re always talking about each other. So yes, I was talking to Tony, and he’s suspected since high school, though he wouldn’t tell me why.”
“Did you tell him about Nick Anderson?”
“Hell no,” she said, then yelled at the kids, “Don’t jump on the couch or you’re all getting the spoon! Look, Frankie, your brothers love you, and this won’t change it. There’s just gonna be a period of adjustment.”
“Yeah, so they can get over it.”
“And you can get over this defensive attitude of yours. You’re being as stupid as they are.”
“I didn’t call to get into an argument, Amanda. Can you please just lay off? Do you have any idea how I feel?”
“No, sweetie, I don’t. But I can imagine you’re some kind of mixed-up ball of anger, embarrassment, fear, relief, and sadness. And your brothers not taking this seriously has got to hurt.”
Yes, that was exactly how he felt.
“Frankie, I love you. You’re my brother too. But nothing is going to be like it was until all of you talk it out, or punch it out, or whatever. All this tension is giving me heartburn.”
He chuckled, somehow feeling more loved and accepted by her no-nonsense attitude than if she’d been calm and conciliatory. “Sorry, I don’t wanna give you heartburn.”
“Then come to Tony’s party, okay?”
“I can’t, Amanda. It’s all just so… raw right now. You understand?”
She sighed. “How’s Kyle?”
He plopped back on the bed, calming at her casual chatting tone. “He’s good. He probably thinks I’m crazy.”
“Well, you were kinda crazy last night. Everybody was talking about you yelling at Dino. Britany Mitchel was playing darts and heard it all.”
“Lemme guess, I was the brunt of everybody’s jokes, right?”
“No, not after Joey popped Larry in the jaw for calling you an F-A-G,” she spelled.
“What?”
“Yeah, that kinda ended anything, that I heard anyways.”
“Joey punched Larry?” he clarified.
“Yeah, that’s what I’m telling you. This is why you need to give your brothers a chance. Yeah, Dino laughed at you, and Tony made a bet, but all of you are always acting like idiots. Why should this be any different?”
“Yeah, yeah, okay.”
“What was up with you picking a fight with Alfie?”
“Long story. Can I talk to Natalia?” Talking to his goddaughter always made him feel better.
“Of course.” Then she shouted her daughter’s name so loud he had to hold the phone away from his ear. “She’s coming.”
“Burst my eardrum, why don’t ya?”
“Here she is,” Amanda said, and there was a shuffle as the phone was handed over.
“Ciao, Uncle Forrester.”
“Hey, bella bambina.” His voice choked at the sweet sound of her voice. “Come stai?”
“I’m okay, but why do you sound sad?”
He bit back tears at her sweetness. “I’m just sleepy. How’s your summer?”
Her innocent chatter about her new My Little Ponies soothed his tension, eased the ache in his chest.
“You wanna talk to Daddy?” she asked after a while, and then just like her mother, she screamed, “Daddy! Uncle Forrester’s on the phone!”
“No, no, bambina,” he said quickly. “I gotta go. I’ll talk to you later, okay?”
“You gonna be at the party?” she asked hopefully. “Daddy bought sparklers. And DJ got a new Super Soaker. We’re gonna get Uncle Joey.”
He chuckled at the image of his nieces and nephews soaking Joey, but his heart gave a pang as he said, “No, I’m sorry.”
“Why aren’t you coming?”
“I can’t. I gotta work at my store.” He felt bad lying to her.
“Can I come and visit your store again?”
“Of course. You can meet my friend’s dog, and we’ll have a picnic. Would you like that, bambina?”
“Do DJ and Giovanni have to come?”
“No way.”
Once she was satisfied the day would be all about her, he said, “Ti voglio bene,” then goodbye.
When he hung up, Kyle was smiling at him in the doorway. “Feel better?”
Forrester smiled. “Maybe a little.”
“Hopefully things calm down.”
Groaning, he sat up and rubbed his face. “You’ve met my family. Calm isn’t in their vocabulary.” He scrolled back to the group text he’d sent his brothers and sent a message to Joey only. Why’d you punch Larry?
He answered right away. That dumbass called you a f** so I popped him one.
Forrester sniffed a
laugh at the asterisks. His brother had listened to his outburst about homophobic slurs and obviously got the point. Thanks
No problem :-)
“I like seeing that smile,” Kyle said.
When Forrester told him what Joey did, Kyle said, “See, that’s a good sign.”
“Yeah, I guess it is,” he agreed.
“You know what you need?”
“What’s that?”
“Pizza and a TV marathon.”
He grinned and glanced out at the perfect day outside. “Yeah, maybe. And something for my headache.”
With a pat on the thigh, Kyle kissed his cheek. “How about a Queer as Folk marathon?”
Forrester shrugged. “I guess we could do that. You ever see the UK version?”
Kyle let out a bark of laughter and held up the DVD of the original series. “Um, which version did you think I was referring to?”
Then Forrester’s grin was genuine. “Damn, I love you. I’ll order the pizza. And no vegetables this time.”
Chapter Twenty-Seven
“HERE, MA, let me help you.”
Thankfully, Ma didn’t protest as Forrester helped her into his truck. “Thank you, bambino.”
“You comfortable? You need anything?”
She frowned at him from her perch in the passenger seat. “I need you to get in the truck and stop asking me questions in the parking lot.”
“Fine.” He shut the door carefully and went around to the driver’s side.
They’d spent the last three hours with Ma hooked to a machine being pumped full of God only knew what kind of chemicals to kill cancer. Half the people in the room didn’t have hair, and the sickening smell of medicine now permeated Forrester’s clothing. He’d hoped for privacy to tell Ma about Kyle and what his brothers did, but he didn’t realize other people would be in the room.
Forrester put the key in his ignition and paused.
“What?” Ma asked. “Is something wrong with your truck?”
He needed to tell her.
Now.
It couldn’t wait a second longer.
He kept his eyes locked on the blue Ford emblem on the steering wheel. “Ma, I have to tell you something.”
“We sat in that place all morning, and now that we’re in the parking lot, you have something to tell me?”
“It’s not something I can say in front of a bunch of strangers.” He tried to keep irritation from his voice. He glanced over at her and immediately back to the steering wheel.
“You look all nervous. Your face is getting red. What is it?”
“It’s about Kyle.” He’d stewed over a million ways to tell her while sitting in the chemotherapy room and was unsure which words would come out of his mouth now. But he figured he would just say whatever and let the cards fall how they did.
“Kyle? What about him?”
“We’re dating.” He let out a breath, those two simple words freeing and terrifying at the same time.
“Dating? What are you talking about?”
Forrester stared at the wheel. Squeezing once, then twice, he took a deep breath. “I’m gay.”
A long pregnant silence filled the car, and Forrester’s pulse pounded in his ears and heat throbbed up the back of his head. His eyelids were dry and heavy, his breathing difficult. As if every normal bodily function had been amplified in some sort of cone, everything louder than it should be.
“What do you mean you’re gay?” Ma said in a flat tone.
Forrester quickly glanced at her, noting she stared straight ahead. “I’m gay, Ma. Kyle is my boyfriend.”
“Since when?”
He shrugged. “He’s been coming to the bookstore for a while. We started dating in May.”
Ma waved her hands. “Not when did you start dating Kyle. Since when are you gay?”
His throat tightened. “Since forever.”
They sat there like that, neither saying anything. He had no doubt she loved him, but could she handle this? Was it right for him to tell her when she was sick? Did he choose the wrong time? Like Dino, had he been wrong about her too?
Ma dropped her head back on the headrest. She let out a trembling sigh that sounded like she might cry. Startled, Forrester faced her.
“Who was it?” she asked.
Not what he expected her to say. “Who was what?”
“Who touched you when you were a kid?” she wanted to know, her voice sad, but stronger. “Just tell me who did it.”
Flabbergasted, he shook his head, curling up his lip. “What are you talking about, Ma? No one touched me when I was a kid.”
“Then explain it to me.” She looked confused or annoyed. He couldn’t quite read her expression. “What happened? How did this happen?”
“Genetics, Ma. Same as how I was born with dark hair.”
“That’s not the same thing,” she said in that know-it-all way of hers. “I must’ve done something wrong as a mother. Did I baby you too much? I just knew you were more sensitive, that’s all. I didn’t mean to turn you gay.”
Forrester took a long, deep breath, closed his eyes, and rubbed irritably at his face. This was part of why he’d delayed saying anything for as long as he did. But the cat was out of the bag, and he wouldn’t play games. “Ma, I was born gay. No one touched me. You didn’t do anything wrong. This isn’t about you. I’m gay and I have been my entire life. Kyle is my boyfriend, and I love him. He asked me to move in with him, and I said yes. That’s why I’m finally telling you guys.”
Well, that was easy….
Ma didn’t say anything. She fiddled with the handle on her purse. “You serious?”
His face was hot, but he wouldn’t back down. “Yes.”
“All this time, you knew and never said anything?”
The similar note of irritation he’d heard in his brothers’ voices triggered his temper. “Why would I say anything?”
She jerked her head back in shock. “Yeah, why didn’t you say anything?”
“Did you or did you not hear all the things Dad said about fags? My. Entire. Life.”
That solitary word made his mother cringe. “Yeah, he was kind of old-fashioned that way. But he loved you.”
“No,” he said calmly, fighting the tremble in his lip. “He loved Frankie. He didn’t know Forrester.”
“He would’ve learned to be okay with it.”
“No, you would’ve told him to get over it. He would have pretended to, but I would’ve known he didn’t love me the same anymore,” he said, voice cracking. “Or love me at all.”
“Don’t say that.”
“You know it’s true, Mama.”
She was quiet again for a long time. Then she fanned herself with a hand. “It’s hot in here. Can you turn on the air-conditioning?”
Rubbing his face, Forrester hastily started the truck and cranked up the AC. He pointed a vent at his mother and one at himself.
“You could’ve told me,” she said after a while.
“Yeah, I suppose I could’ve.”
“I wouldn’t have told your father.”
Frustrated, he slammed his hands on the steering wheel. “That’s the point. Yeah, I could’ve told you, but I never could’ve told Dad.”
“Maybe you should go visit him,” she suggested. “You’re the only one who hasn’t been to the cemetery.”
“Why? So I can beg a hunk of marble to love me? To not hate me for how I was born?”
“Your father never hated you. In fact, he tried the hardest with you, I’ll have you know,” she said, defensive. “Every time he tried to get close to you, you just pushed him away.”
“What are you talking about?”
“He used to ask me all the time, ‘Why doesn’t Frankie like me?’ I just told him it was teenage hormones making you antisocial, but he knew you weren’t comfortable with him, not like your brothers. That’s why he was always trying to get you to do things with him. Like work on the Shelby or go to a ball game. You always said no. It h
urt him.”
Forrester remained quiet, absorbing her words and trying to understand them from his parents’ perspectives, not his own. He had avoided being alone with Dad because he’d been terrified Dad would figure it out. Then when he went to OSU, he only came home if the whole family would be there, never if it was just Dad. A few weeks before he died, Dad wanted Forrester to go fishing with him. Forrester said he had plans, because he hadn’t wanted to deal with the anxiety of being alone with Dad. He never thought his actions might have hurt Dad.
Not once.
And now it was too late.
God, it’s all just so fucked-up!
“I loved Dad,” he finally whispered. “But I was relieved when he died, Mama.”
“What?” she burst out. “No, don’t say such things.”
Pleading, he turned to her, trying to contain the sudden swell of emotions. Painful truths he pretended weren’t real, but always lingered in the darkest part of his mind. “It’s true. Those guys, they had a different father than I did. They knew he loved them, no matter what. But not me. Not me.”
“He loved you.”
Eyes stinging, he shook his head furiously. “Every time he said something about fags and queers, it was like he was kicking me in the stomach, Ma. Just like some kid getting beat by their old man, I wanted him to love me anyways. But I just kept getting kicked. Over and over. Do you have any idea what that was like?”
“Probably awful.”
“It was,” he admitted, wiping at the tears. “It is awful.” His last word was lost in a choke he couldn’t contain.
“Don’t cry, bambino mio,” she muttered, and then she cursed. “C’mere, I got a bad arm, I can’t hug you.”
A tidal wave of grief hit him as he leaned across the console for the hug he so desperately needed. Ma twisted, wrapping her right arm around his shoulders. He tried to be careful of the port in her left arm and ended up almost on her lap. At the sound of her cooing whispers in Italian, the dam broke.
Letting it all go, Forrester cried. He cried for the weight of the words he’d never voiced about Dad, and how badly they hurt because they were true. He thought he’d be embarrassed as Ma patted him like he was a child, but he wasn’t. He didn’t know if he’d received such succor from her since his infancy, but he needed her so much, her support, her love.
La Famiglia Page 28