by Anya Summers
Repeatedly, she reached for Tyler throughout the night. They laughed, they ate, and as the moon made its arch across the sky, they loved, again and again. In the wee hours before dawn, with a last look at Tyler's slumbering form, her fist in her mouth to keep the sob lodged inside her breast, Elise left his bed. This time, for good.
In no time, Elise was ready to depart the manor. She'd already packed the bulk of her things before she'd joined Tyler in his room. At the front door, a sleepy Jared packed the last of her suitcases into the van waiting at the curb. Then Declan and Zoey met her at the front door before she could make good her getaway. Elise kept an eye on the stairs. She needed to leave before Tyler woke. It was a cowardly way to go. She knew that, but she wouldn't have the strength to do what she must if she had to stare in his blue eyes to do it.
"I really wish you'd stay longer but I understand that you need to get back to work. Thank you so much."
Zoey surprised her and enveloped her in a warm hug. Elise returned the embrace, drawing her resolve into her chest as she let go. It was time for her to get back to the reality of her life. The fantasy hurt too damn much.
"Thank you. It has been my pleasure designing your dress. I'll be back the week of the wedding for any last minute fixes and adjustments. I just need to get back to my shop. Can you deliver this to Tyler for me, please?"
Elise pulled an envelope with his name on it from her purse. She couldn't do more than this; otherwise she wouldn't have the strength to leave him.
"Of course." Zoey took it from her outstretched hand while Declan looked at her disapprovingly.
"Did you and Tyler have a falling out?" he asked.
"No, I just… it's better this way, believe me. Please tell him I'm sorry."
"What about what Tyler wants?"
Tears filled her eyes and she shook her head. "No man wants a woman who's defective goods, Declan. I'm sorry, but I have to go."
And with that, she scurried out of Mullardoch Manor; feeling like her heart was being physically ripped from her chest as she did so. Without a backward glance, she climbed in the waiting van.
"I'm ready," she murmured to Jared. Concern marked his visage. Ignoring his look, ignoring anything but focusing on survival, Elise turned her face from his and closed her eyes, unable to speak for fear that the sob lodged in her chest would escape.
*****
Tyler stared in shocked disbelief at the letter in his hands.
Un-fucking-believable.
Elise had rocked his world, wormed her way inside his defenses, and then she'd left him without a word. He crumpled her letter in his hands. She'd asked him not to contact her. Had fucking thanked him for his time and effort, like he'd been nothing more than a stud horse filling a purpose, as if what they had shared during their time together had meant nothing. It had meant something to him. Maybe it had started out as the thrill of training a new sub, but it had become much more than simply scratching an itch—on both their parts. Or so he had believed. Tyler paced in his room, staring at the bed they'd shared. He'd like nothing more than to burn it to the fucking ground.
Unable to sit still, otherwise he thought he'd go mad; he went to the manor's gym. Tyler put in a bruising workout until sweat coated his body and his muscles screamed in agony from overuse. Except it did nothing to contain the raging pain lacerating his heart and soul. When that didn't take the edge off, he swam laps in Declan's pool for an hour, pushing his body until he could barely heft himself out of the water.
Nothing worked. Nothing stopped the brutal ache in his midsection, the feeling like he'd been eviscerated. When all else failed, Tyler worked, burying himself in his accounts. He contacted his business manager at the ranch, scheduled meetings, pored over spreadsheets and data, and did projections for the coming fiscal year.
Through it all, he wondered if there had been anything more he could have done that would have made her want to stay with him. He'd broken his own rules by getting too involved with her. He knew that. The only thing he could pinpoint was the night of their scene in the dungeon, when'd he broached the subject of wanting more from her, admitted he wanted to continue their relationship outside of the manor and the DFC. He knew she spooked easily but it was after that topic had risen that she'd begun acting differently toward him. Even on that last night, when he recounted how she had been with him, looking back, she'd been saying goodbye. How could a man fight to keep a woman who didn't want him in return?
Dejected, and hurt more than he wanted to face by Elise breaking off their arrangement and leaving as she had, Tyler figured his best bet would be to head to the club and find another sub to play with. The quickest way for him to ease the ache in his chest would be to sink himself into another's willing embrace. So Elise didn't feel the same about him. They'd had an arrangement between them, nothing more, regardless that he'd fallen for her that first night. Her open responses to him, the way she'd blossomed under his touch. He craved her delicate little fingers on him, craved the way she would sigh and moan Sir in his ear as she came under his hands.
The music of Tommy Lee blasted through the sound system as he made his way to the bar. His gaze traveled over the crowd, passing over the few unattached subs in the arena with nothing more than a disinterested stare. He ordered a beer from Jared and spent the rest of the night staring into his pint.
Disgusted with himself, with the unappealing nature of the club, Tyler escaped before midnight, vowing to try again the following night. Eventually, he would forget her. Eventually, he wouldn't feel like the walking wounded. He wished he could say that it was like Ashley all over again, but he'd never loved Ashley the way he… fuck.
He loved her. Loved Elise with every fiber of his being. As in: balls to the wall, he could envision himself taking that scary ass walk down the aisle again. He tried to sleep that night but found himself reliving the last two weeks with Elise, trying to see what he'd done wrong, if there was something he could go back and fix, but he came up empty.
The following day wasn't much better. He buried himself in his work again. And then dredged up the energy to go to the club, where all he did was wallow and stare into his beer. He should get piss poor drunk, but he didn't think even that would help. Without Elise's presence, the club didn't hold the same appeal it once had. She'd done that, made this place seem a little brighter.
After another night of staring into his beer for four hours, Tyler realized he needed to call it a day and go home. It was the only way he could move on. If he stayed in Scotland, he would flounder in memories of her. He couldn't even enter his room without expecting to see her.
The following morning, he and Declan met in his office before he left.
"I'll have the prospectus to you before the holiday. Zoey and I are taking a six week honeymoon through the Mediterranean after the wedding, so I want to get this squared away prior to our departure," Declan said.
"Fair enough. Send it on over and I'll go over everything once I'm back stateside. I think it's a good plan, all we need to do is work out the logistics."
"Will do. Why are you really leaving, Ty? And don't give me that bullshit answer you gave Zoey earlier. I know you too damn well. What's up?"
"D, if I stay, I'll go mad. Elise, shit, I love her. I didn't expect to fall for her, but there it is. And she left without a word. Only a letter, thanking me for my time like I'm some prize stallion, and not to contact her. I don't even know where to go with that or how to proceed. The best thing for me to do is go home. I can't be here right now. I don't think I will make the wedding, either. I'm sorry. You know I'd be here otherwise, I just can't."
"What if I told you I questioned her before she left; asked her why she couldn't stay."
This was news to Tyler. "And what did she say?"
"That she was defective goods, and no man wants to keep a woman who's defective."
"Do you have any idea what this defect might be?" Why the hell would she think she was defective? She had issues, didn't they all, but he
'd believed they begun working on some of hers, lowering her anxiety and all. Except this news meant she'd hid something from him, intentionally.
"No idea. Neither does Zoey. This means you'll have to ask Elise yourself if you want to know the answer."
Tyler wouldn't ask. She didn't want him to contact her. Besides, what was the point if she couldn't bring herself to be honest with him. Honesty was the key in any relationship, but especially important between a Dominant and his submissive. If she didn't trust him enough with the truth, with why she believed she was defective, there was nowhere for them to go in a relationship. Not when she gave him nothing to work with. He mourned the lost possibility internally, feeling sliced to the bone and raw. He would leave her be. "Thanks for telling me. If we're finished here, I've got some packing to do."
"Safe travels, my friend. I'll be in touch. And, Ty, sometimes it's worth the risk if you love her enough."
He left with Declan's words ringing in his ears. Just because Declan is over the moon with his little fiancée doesn't mean the rest of us poor sods are that lucky. But what had Elise meant when she'd said that she was defective? Tyler never gotten a hint of anything. What hadn't she told him, and why had she kept it from him? If she'd just been honest with him, they could have worked through whatever defect she thought she had, but seeing as how she didn't trust him enough to love her as is, he didn't see the point. He wasn't in the habit of chasing after someone who so obviously didn't want him in return.
Tyler left Scotland and returned to his life on his ranch thinking he was escaping memories of Elise. Only, instead, he was confronted with the stark, crushing reality that he'd begun innocuously to picture her on his farm, in his bed, and in his life for the long haul.
And that was something he feared he would never escape.
Chapter Twelve
Elise left her office after another ball buster of a busy day. Her phone had rung off the hook since her return to Manhattan. Her business, what with the upcoming spread in Modern Du Jour, was not only back on the uptake, but she had a steady influx of new assignments that were going to keep her busy through early spring. If this rate kept up, she'd be hiring help by March. In her heart, Elise knew that it was all because of Tyler. At the thought of him, she felt a physical ache in her chest.
She'd been such a fool to think she could get involved with him the way she had and not be affected by it. Elise was not a woman who did casual relationships or hookups. She never had, even in her misguided youth. Not a day had passed in the two weeks since she'd left Scotland where she hadn't thought of him, wondered about him. Even a quick Thanksgiving spent at her folks' farm in Kentucky didn't soothe the pain—only served to increase it as she stared out at the fields and acres of her parents' land with fresh eyes. Questions plagued her. Had Tyler moved on to another submissive? Did he hate her? Had she hurt him by leaving the way she had?
Tyler had done everything for her, righting her world so that it was smooth sailing. Elise hadn't had to buy Tums in more than a week. Heck, even her arch nemesis, the snooty reviewer Miss Vicki Shaw, had heard through the grapevine that Elise was the designer for Declan McDougal's wedding and had rescinded some of her review in the next issue of the magazine. Declan had granted her full membership to the Dungeon Fantasy Club. No more stipulations or training necessary, which meant she could go find another Dom, if she wanted to. Except any time her thoughts veered toward finding a new Dom, Tyler's face flashed in her brain.
Elise loved him. And not in a dopey romantic way, but in the deeply and forever altered by knowing him way, meaning that her feelings for him were something she would carry with her all the days of her life. She hoped her memories were enough to fill a lifetime because deep in her soul, she knew there wouldn't be another for her. He was it. And she'd thrown it all away.
Elise hadn't been able to bring herself to go to the club in Manhattan with Kara. It looked too much like the one at Mullardoch Manor for her to feel comfortable and not wallow in regret and remorse. Instead, she wandered the streets of Manhattan when she left her office, searching to fill the void left by Tyler's absence in her life. Even frozen hot chocolate from Serendipity, which she'd begun to have on far too regular a basis, gaining back some of the weight she'd lost over the last few months, had done nothing to fill the hole his absence in her life had created.
She was just about to head down to the subway, her stomach uncomfortably full from her latest Serendipity fix, when she spied a man passing her wearing a Stetson and jeans. Elise did an about face, following the tall cowboy's large build. Her heart hammered in her chest with excitement as she trailed after him. Twenty blocks. She stayed on his tail for twenty Manhattan city blocks. When he turned and entered a store, his face became visible in the light, and while certainly an attractive gentleman, a bit older, he wasn't the cowboy she was looking for. Disappointment struck her chest like a physical blow and Elise lost the remaining threads of her composure.
Scurrying to the curb, she hailed a taxi. She needed help. Following a stranger for twenty blocks because they were wearing a cowboy hat was crazy town territory. She was wholly and irrevocably in love with Tyler. And she didn't know what to do about it, just that she couldn't continue on the way she had been. At Kara's doorstep, she knocked furiously, and maybe a bit too vigorously as her world disintegrated around her.
Kara opened the door to her frantic pounding. "Elise? What's going on? Are you all right?"
"I messed everything up."
Kara pulled her into the brownstone where she lived with Zeke and Chase. One half of the apartment was under construction, as they were expanding the place to accommodate three adults. Kara led her into the living room, pushing her to sit on the couch. Kara grabbed a box of tissues, a bottle of wine, and two glasses before she sat next to Elise.
"Here, drink this." Kara handed her a glass of Chardonnay.
Feeling hollow and chilled to the bone, Elise took a deep swallow.
"Now, tell me what this is all about."
Elise poured her heart out to her best friend. Explaining in minute detail everything that happened while she was in Scotland. How she'd fallen for Tyler.
"I thought you've been acting different since you came back. Do you love him?"
"Yes, but I—"
Kara held up her hand, stopping Elise. "Stop looking for obstacles, hon. It's a simple yes or no."
"Yes."
"And you said you left him why?"
"Because I would be cheating him out of a chance to have a family. I'm broken in that way, and it would be selfish of me to deprive him of that."
"Did you tell him that, about the fact that you can't have children?" Kara asked.
"No." And that was just it. She'd made the decision for both of them.
The door to Kara's apartment opened and both Zeke and Chase strode in. The two of them were too gorgeous for their own good.
"Kara."
"Hey," she replied, as Elise tried to wipe up the tears with tissues and pretend she wasn't having a major meltdown.
"Hey, gorgeous." Chase sauntered over to her first and gave Kara a kiss, followed by Zeke.
"Hey Elise. Everything all right?" Zeke had zeroed his gaze on the tissues and wine. "We can leave you two alone if you need some time. You can come find us later, pet."
"Actually, I think some male perspective is called for." Kara glanced at Elise.
"Kara, I don't think—" Elise tried to protest but all the fight had left her system.
"We need a male perspective here, and voilà, we have two."
"We'd be happy to help give you some insights from our chromosomes." Zeke regarded Elise. The two men settled onto the couch on either side of Kara, flanking her with a united front, and listened to Elise as she retold her story.
Chase whistled when she finished. "That's got to be tough, carrying a secret like that around, Elise. I can't begin to imagine how hard it must be. But did you ever mention it to Tyler?"
Feeling small and r
ather petty, she replied. "No."
Zeke chimed in with a stern Dom expression she understood all too well. "Elise, pardon my saying this, but you did your Dom a great disservice in not being honest with him and allowing him to decide. That is one of the fundamental pillars to a Dom/sub relationship: trust and honesty, in all things. You don't get to pick and choose what you should and shouldn't tell each other. I get that this situation, your medical condition, has to be excruciating for you on many levels. But if you truly love Tyler, then you need to tell him. Hiding it from him does both of you wrong and puts a cloud over your relationship."
"But what if I already screwed everything up? I don't even know if he will talk to me, or if he feels the same way."
"Take it from someone who knows what it is to almost lose the ones you love," Zeke said bluntly. "Talk to him, confront him, and tell him how you feel. He might just surprise you."
Elise wouldn't bet the farm on it. Except she understood deep in her bones that she had to try. She did owe him—everything. The least she could do was be honest with him and tell him why she'd broken things off that way.
Elise thanked them all profusely for their aid, declining the invitation to have to dinner with them and go to the club. After garnering a big hug not only from Kara, but both Zeke and Chase, she left their apartment. She'd been right in visiting Kara and asking for help. They'd given her so much food for thought that when she stepped into the cab that whisked her away to her apartment, she had a firm course of direction in mind.
In her one bedroom apartment, she yanked her suitcase from her closet and began tossing clothes in. With her phone in her hand, she checked the time and dialed Zoey.