by S. J. West
“Sounds like a good idea,” Desmond agrees. “Now, go tell the love of your life what’s happening. I think she’ll be relieved to know you finally found a solution to your problem.”
“Thanks for tonight,” I say. “And don’t forget the rehearsal at the church the night before the wedding.”
“I’m your best man! Of course I won’t forget.”
When I phase outside Caylin’s front door, I take in a deep breath to steady my nerves before I knock.
I used to bypass the front door and phase directly inside her apartment. It took an extreme moment of temptation to force me to change that small convenience. Not long after we moved into our apartments, I phased into Caylin’s place without announcing myself beforehand. I found her standing in front of the refrigerator grabbing a bottle of water completely naked. She had just returned from her morning jog around campus and was about to hop into the shower but needed something to drink first. I only saw the backside of her, but it was enough to force an emergency trip over to Malcolm’s house so he could attempt to pummel that image of Caylin out of my head.
Unfortunately, it didn’t work, and Malcolm definitely gave it his all.
The stimulating vision she made standing there completely nude with the light from the fridge reflecting off the sweat clinging to her skin, making it glisten, was permanently scorched into my memory. The picture made for some interesting dreams late at night, but the close encounter with a naked Caylin made me realize I didn’t need to phase into her apartment unannounced anymore.
Caylin is quick to open the door and throw herself into my arms.
“You know, I didn’t go off to war,” I tell her, slightly amused by her welcome. “It was only my bachelor party.”
She giggles but refuses to let me go.
“I’m just glad to have you back home in one piece,” she tells me. “Desmond’s promise had me worried. I thought they might be planning to gang up on you or something.”
“Funny you should say that…”
Caylin and I go into her apartment, and I tell her about the events of the evening in detail. I like sharing my life with Caylin. It makes everything more real somehow. When I get to the part about God giving me the journal, her reaction is instant relief.
“Thank goodness He answered my prayer,” she says.
“You prayed to Him about me?” I ask, not realizing until that moment that she was so worried she prayed for divine intervention.
“Of course I did,” she says, as if I should have realized she would. “I knew if I couldn’t help you no one but God could. And I think it’s a great idea for you to reexamine your life and write it all down.”
“I would like for you to read it after I’m done. I don’t want there to be any secrets between us, and I feel as though the details of my past are something you should know about.”
Caylin squeezes the hand she holds as we sit together on the couch.
“If you need me to read it, I will Aiden.”
“Why did you say it that way?” I ask. “You said need, not want.”
“I don’t need to know the details of your past, but I get the feeling it’s important to you that I know them. If you still need me to read it once you’re through, I will if it’ll make you feel better.”
“Aren’t you in the least bit curious about my past?”
“Yes and no,” she answers truthfully. “I want you to feel free to share anything about it with me, but there’s nothing in your past that I have to know. I love the man you are now, Aiden. The person you used to be doesn’t really exist anymore. But, I think you need to prove that fact to yourself. You need to go back and look at how far you’ve come because I don’t think you realize how much you’ve grown as a person.”
“I’m planning to go to my apartment in Istanbul to write it. That means I’m not going to be around very much before the wedding. Are you ok with that?” I ask, waiting for her reaction.
“I’ll miss you while you’re gone,” she tells me, “but I understand you need to be alone to do this. I get to have you for the rest of my life, Aiden. A few days apart won’t kill us. It can only make us stronger in the end.”
I pull her closer to me until she’s sitting in my lap.
“I don’t know what I did to deserve you, but I do thank God every day for whatever it was I did right.”
“Then kiss me before you leave,” she tells me, bringing her lips in closer to mine. “I need something to tide me over until we’re able to see each other again.”
“I’ll have my phone with me if you need to contact me,” I tell her.
“I don’t want to disturb you…”
“You could never disturb me.”
“Kiss me, Aiden,” she whispers against my mouth.
The kiss starts out tender with a light teasing of lips and tongues, but it quickly escalates until I have Caylin pinned down beneath me on the couch, ravishing her mouth with mine.
“How can anyone taste as sweet as you do,” I moan, trailing kisses down her neck to the little bit of flesh revealed by her pink button down shirt. I nimbly undo two more buttons and kiss the warm valley between her breasts. Her quick intake of breath prompts me to return to her lips, drinking her in because I know it will be a long while before I see her again.
The closer we get to the wedding the harder it is for me to pull away from her in moments such as this. Nevertheless, pull away I do.
When I lift my head and peer down at her, Caylin opens her eyes and smiles at me. She’s smiled at me a thousand or more times since that first night at Chandler’s concert, but this smile is different. It’s a knowing one filled with the light of hope and expectation.
“Go before I change my mind,” she tells me. “Find yourself and then come back to me.”
I lean down and kiss her one more time before picking up my father’s gift to start me on my journey of self-discovery.
When I phase into my apartment in Istanbul, I immediately feel its coldness. It’s not a sensation attributed to the temperature outside, but to the memories this place holds for me of my life before Caylin. I look out the sliding glass doors that lead out to the terrace. One of the reasons I picked this particular apartment was because of its view of the Golden Horn (an inlet of the Bosphorus) and the Blue Mosque. With its large blue tiled dome and six pencil-shaped minarets, the mosque is one of the most recognizable structures in Turkey. As I survey the living room, I see that everything is exactly as I left it. The term ‘living room’ is a bit ironic to me. I did very little living in this room, or apartment for that matter. It was merely a place I used to entertain company of the female variety. I spent most of my time at the Istanbul Watcher Agency Headquarters. Back then, I tried to distract myself as much as possible with work to keep my mind and hands from being idle.
The living room is sparsely decorated with its solid white walls, a loft style black leather couch, and a holographic entertainment center that has never been used, as far as I can recall. The small kitchen area is connected to the living room separated only by a tall dining set with black lacquered chairs and table. My eyes drift up to the bedroom directly above the kitchen area. The wall dividing the bedroom from the living area is made entirely out of glass so you can peer out the sliding glass door and see the scenic view beyond the terrace from the vantage point of the bed. The apartment had three bedrooms, but I used one of them as my office. I walk down a short hallway to the office at the back of the apartment.
After I turn on the overhead light there, I walk over to the black L-shaped desk and place the journal on its smooth glass surface. I rummage around in one of the drawers until I find a pencil. I have a feeling I’ll need to make frequent corrections while I write.
I flip the cover and stare at the first blank page for a minute before writing,
Aiden’s Story
I flip to the next empty page and know exactly what I want to write.
To My Beautiful,
Within these pages, I int
end to write the story of my life thus far. I won’t hold back any detail from you, and I hope you don’t think less of me because of the horrible things I’ve done in my past. I need to tell you who I was because I fear that person is still a part of me. No matter how much I try to change for you, I can’t quite make the man I used to be go away. I’m afraid he will always be inside me, and I want you to know him. There will be things in this journal that will be hard for me to write because I know you’ll be reading it. Despite that fact, I am determined to tell you everything there is to know about me. There won’t be much good. Unfortunately, most of it will show a cruelty and ugliness within myself I hope you never have to see during our life together. As you read this, I pray you keep in mind how much I love you and how difficult it is for me to reveal my sins to you. The man you know isn’t the man I started out as.
I was born in a time of war and misery, Caylin. I was created to protect those who weren’t designed to fight and defend themselves.
In the beginning, all I understood was how to absorb pain and kill my enemies quickly. That was my sole reason for being, and this is my story.
HEAVEN
CHAPTER THREE
The war in Heaven had been raging for quite some time before God asked the Guardians of the Guf to concentrate all of their time and energy in creating my class of angels, the War Angels.
The first thing you must realize is that angels and humans are not brought into this world the same way. Angels are not nurtured for forty weeks inside a mother’s womb. We aren’t raised by doting parents and slowly taught about the world around us in incremental steps. As soon as we’re created, we are thrust into our designated roles at the moment of our awakening. There is very little ‘adjustment’ time needed, and after I awoke, I didn’t want it. Almost as soon as I opened my eyes, I wanted to fight.
I was designed to crave combat and annihilate my enemies. I had a single mindset, defeat my opponents no matter what needed to be done. I lacked the capacity to fear because such an emotion would have made me weak. Empathy in a soldier can make him second-guess his decisions. If you empathize with your enemy, it can cause a split second delay in your decision-making and slow your movements during combat, possibly costing you your life. War Angels were made specifically to win the war against Lucifer and his followers. That was our only reason for existing, and failing in our purpose was not an option.
The Guardian who created my soul was named Andel. In the beginning, each Guardian was asked to construct one specific War Angel to be their protector, a guardian for a Guardian. I was Andel’s protector. He gave me the name of Turel, but to avoid confusing you, I will only refer to myself and others you know by the human names we have now.
The moment I awoke in the Guf is still one of my most vivid and cherished memories. The Guf is the most beautiful and welcoming realm of Heaven. It’s surrounded by an aura of perpetual light and warmth. It was a beacon of hope for us during the war because it represented constant renewal. If someone asked me to build a replica of the Guf here on Earth, I would construct it like a cathedral out of the clearest crystal and place it at the top of the world so it could capture the warmth and glow of the sun during the day. Even such a fantastical structure could never truly depict the majesty and beauty of the Guf. It’s a sight to behold, and one that can never be duplicated again in Heaven or on Earth.
The physical form of angels is impossible for humans to see. We don’t have skin, muscles, and bones. We are creatures made from light energy, and because of that, our forms are free flowing. I know that concept is probably hard for you to visualize. Therefore, I will describe my time in Heaven and the events that took place there in human terms, even though that isn’t the most accurate way to describe things. Nevertheless, I want you to fully appreciate what I saw and endured during the war. It’s the only way you can truly understand what I witnessed, and how it helped make me into the person I am today.
The very first words I ever heard were spoken by Andel.
“Welcome to the world, Aiden,” he said to me in a voice filled with equal parts love and pride. His warm, caring nature surrounded him like an invisible cloak, and I instantly felt an unbreakable bond form between us. I’ve always assumed the connection between Andel and I was of his making, but it didn’t matter to me. I knew I was meant to protect him, and I felt an overwhelming sense of duty to do just that.
“Where am I most needed?” I asked Andel, ready to do whatever it was that he asked of me. I felt a burning desire deep within my soul for battle. I only needed someone to point me in the right direction.
Andel smiled understandingly and said, “You will be needed wherever Lucifer and his followers attack us, but you will also be needed here in the Guf to protect the Well of Souls and us Guardians so we can continue the work our father has asked us to do.”
“I will do everything within my power to keep you safe,” I promised him.
“I know you will,” Andel said, showing complete faith in my abilities, but his words were also laced with a great deal of sorrow. It was only then that I noticed how tired he looked. The light of his soul was dimmer than mine. It looked as if it might flicker out at any moment. “I wish I had been able to create you for a purpose other than war, Aiden, but unfortunately, Lucifer and his followers are determined to take Heaven for themselves, even if it means tearing it in half with their selfishness. That’s why God asked us to create you and your brothers. You are meant to turn the tide in this conflict back in our favor.”
“We will win it for you,” I said, full of arrogant confidence in my proficiency to defeat anyone who might be foolish enough to stand in my way.
“I pray you help bring an end to the fighting. I’m not sure we can take much more of it,” Andel told me, looking drawn and weary. “Too many lives have been lost because of Lucifer’s foolish pride. You are among the first of your kind to be made. The protection of the Guf takes priority in this war. If Lucifer were ever to lay claim to this place, the war would be lost. He would destroy the Well of Souls and us Guardians out of pure spite just to make sure no more human souls can be created. He’s already laying siege to the realm of Heaven where the souls of the human dead reside.”
“For what purpose?”
“Mostly to hurt our father, I think,” Andel said, looking saddened by his own conclusion. “The relationship between Lucifer and God has been strained ever since the creation of humanity. When God asked us all to bow down and serve the humans, it was the final straw for Lucifer. He already hated them, but having our father ask him to serve creatures he felt were beneath him broke something inside Lucifer. Obviously, he wasn’t the only one. A third of the angels in Heaven followed him into a war against the rest of us. Michael and the others have fought valiantly, but the war has gone on for far too long. Our forces are feeling the fatigue and heartache of having to kill their brothers. That’s one reason God asked us to make you and the other War Angels.”
The idea of having to kill other angels probably should have made me feel sad or even remorseful. Instead, I felt absolutely nothing. I didn’t care who they were. All I knew was that they needed to be stopped, and if killing them was the only way I could do that, then so be it. In a way, perhaps that’s why God asked the Guardians to create us. We had no history or prior ties to the angels we would be fighting. They were unfamiliar to us, and their deaths would mean very little. It’s far easier to kill a stranger than it is a former friend.
Andel placed one of his hands on my shoulder and said in a hopeful voice, “But, I didn’t make you to only kill, Aiden. I couldn’t doom you to an existence with no other meaning. One day, something unexpected will happen to you and trigger your soul into wanting to learn how to love others. Until that time comes, you will only be able to reach half of your potential, half of what you can be.”
“I’m all I will ever need to be right now,” I said. “I don’t need to feel love in order to fight.”
Andel looked upset by my words,
but they were just the truth at the time.
“Andel!” A new voice called out, interrupting our conversation. “Is he ready? Michael and Chayyliel want to see the new recruits in action.”
As I looked at the angel approaching us, I never thought he would end up becoming my best friend in Heaven and on Earth. Desmond has always carried himself with an effortless confidence that naturally attracts other people to him. He gives off an air of being non-judgmental, which is a hard feat for both angels and humans.
Before Andel could even make a reply, I said, “I’m ready.”
“Good work, Andel,” Desmond said with an approving nod of his head as he looked at me. “I think you might have outdone yourself with this one.”
“His name is Aiden,” Andel said as if he were reminding Desmond that I was a sentient being, not just a war machine.
At first, that was exactly how the other angels viewed us. They saw us as instruments of destruction whose sole purpose for being was to win the war. It seemed as though only our Guardians thought ahead to our futures. In order to prepare a soul to face whatever eventuality might occur, a worthy Guardian had to consider all the tools their creation would need to survive. Andel was no exception. He made sure I had everything I needed inside my soul to become a man you could love, and who could love you back with all his heart. I’m thankful to him for the gifts he gave me. I only wish I had been given the chance to tell him that.
The sound of weeping drew my attention to a Guardian who had just awoken her own personal War Angel protector. Her guard looked completely helpless in knowing what to do to comfort her. Therefore, he stood before her unmoving and stared at his Guardian’s display of emotion as if it were a curiosity.
The sound of her grief intrigued me.
“Why is she crying?” I asked, watching as another Guardian went to console her.
“Seraphina has taken this war the hardest,” Andel told me, watching his friend being taken off to somewhere more private by the Guardian who came to her aid. “Every life that is lost breaks off another piece of her soul. It is only her capacity to love so greatly that keeps her alive.”