by S. J. West
She began to walk out of the barn.
“Wait,” I heard myself call out, not even knowing what it was I wanted to say to her, but realizing I couldn’t let her leave thinking I didn’t care.
Hanah turned to face me, tears freely spilling down her cheeks now making my heart to ache for the pain I was causing her.
“Of course I find you attractive,” I told her. “But it doesn’t matter. I can’t be with you, even if I want to.”
“Why?” she asked. “I don’t understand.”
I ran a hand through my hair in complete frustration.
“I…I made an oath that I would never marry,” I told her, finding a way to say the truth without divulging my true identity.
Hanah walked back over to me. “Who would make you promise something like that?”
“My father did,” I told her, again voicing the truth to her because I felt sure Hanah would see right through a lie.
“Why would he ask that of you?” She asked. “No one should have to go through life all alone, Aiden. That wasn’t a fair thing to make you promise.”
In a way, I agreed with her. But, I also felt like I understood God’s reasons for making the rule. Not only did he not want us to have children with humans, but he also wanted us to stay focused on our tasks. My feelings for Hanah were proof that romantic love could make you forget what was important and cause you to detour away from what you were really meant to be doing.
Yet, I couldn’t stop myself from doing what I did next.
I held my hand out to Hanah, and without hesitation, she quickly placed one of hers in it. I pulled her to me and gently let the fingers of my free hand trace the contours of her face. Her skin was so soft, softer than anything I had ever touched before. Her mouth opened slightly as her breathing became heavier. I leaned my head down and pressed my lips to hers in our first kiss. Hanah automatically wrapped her arms around my neck and deepened the kiss by using her tongue. The sensation was more than I could handle, and I brought her up against me in a feverish embrace. The taste, smell, and feel of her attacked all of my senses at once. When I felt her hips begin to gyrate against mine, I almost lost all control. I wrenched myself away from her and took a step back, breathing as heavily as she was.
I felt an immense sense of guilt not only for kissing her but also for enjoying it. I turned away from Hanah and ran out of the barn in a vain attempt to find safety in distancing myself from her. I should have known it wouldn’t work, but I guess I had to learn the hard way.
CHAPTER ELEVEN
On my way out of the barn, I noticed Calev gathering up the sheep to take up to the mountains to graze for the day. I walked over to him quickly and asked if I could take them instead.
“I thought you and Hanah were going to plant the last field today,” he said to me, confused by why I would want to change my plans so abruptly.
“I would like to get away for a while,” I replied, not wanting to go into a deeper explanation. “Please, Calev, I need to go.”
“All right, Aiden,” Calev said, still sounding unsure about my reasons but seeing that I was desperate to have an excuse to leave.
Calev handed me his shepherd’s staff. I took the sheep past the fields and up into the grassy mountains to graze. The farther away I was from the village the better. I sat down by a rock formation on the side of the mountain to watch the sheep. A warm, soothing breeze blew through the blades of grass, helping to clear my mind of Hanah’s face. I must have sat there for hours considering my options on how best to handle the situation. It wasn’t until late in the afternoon that I formed a plan to keep my mind, body, and soul so busy that I wouldn’t have time to think about her.
When I returned to the village and had all the sheep back in their pen, I immediately started on my project. I found a spot between the town and the nearby Tigris River. I began making mud-bricks to build the wall I told God I would like to see surrounding the town to help protect it from marauders. Wars broke out frequently back then. If a town didn’t have the proper defenses, they could be overrun rather quickly. I found a vacant field and began hauling water from the river to form the vast amount of mud I would need. I then added in some straw to the mixture to strengthen the bricks. For four days straight, I kneaded the mixture with my bare feet to help the fermentation process. I would mostly do it at night because during the day I still needed to help Hanah and Calev. I kept as much distance as possible between Hanah and myself. As she and I worked the last field to be planted, I only spoke to her if asked a direct question. I could tell from the look in her eyes that my behavior upset her, but it couldn’t be helped. God had set down His rule, and I would do my best not to break it. I focused all of my attention on weeding the fields and making the bricks for the wall.
When the time came to pour the mud into the brick molds I had made, other men from the village came to help me. I think they understood the importance of building a protective wall to keep their families safe. All they needed was a leader to show them the way. While the fields of wheat grew, I was able to spare more time on constructing the wall. Two months passed by and we were able to build a six-foot wall that encircled the town. My plan was to double its height and build lookout towers for guards at the four compass points along the fortification.
I wasn’t sure what I was going to do after the wall was built. I considered leaving the village, but that option saddened my heart. It was my home now, and I didn’t want to leave it. During the two months it took to construct the wall, Calev came to see me a few times. He never directly asked me what happened to make me want to stay away from him and his family. He was old but sharp as a tack mentally. I think he figured things out on his own but respected my privacy enough to never say anything directly to me about the situation. If I had been an ordinary man, I could have lived a good life in the village with Hanah and her son. I would have provided for their every need and loved them dearly, but that wasn’t God’s plan for my life. I tried to come to terms with that fact as best I could.
One night, I took Calev’s sheep up into the mountains to graze because staying in the village had become too hard on me. Forcing myself to keep my distance from Hanah was getting more difficult by the day. If I wasn’t busy working, all I could think about was our first kiss and how her body had responded to mine. I yearned to touch her again and thought I might go mad if I didn’t.
As I lay in the grass the sheep were grazing in that night, I heard the sound of someone’s approach. I sat up and looked in the direction the noise was coming from to find the one person I had left the village to avoid.
“Why are you here?” I asked Hanah as she walked up to me with a small woven basket dangling from the crook of one of her arms at the elbow.
“I brought you something to eat,” she said.
“Is that all?” I asked as harshly as I could, hoping that if I was rude enough to her she would leave the food and walk away.
Hanah set the basket down beside me and said, “And I want to know why you’ve been avoiding me. What did I do wrong?”
“Nothing,” I said curtly. “Thank you for the food. I’ll bring the basket back to you in the morning.”
I thought my words and attitude would be enough to drive her away. Instead, Hanah knelt down on the other side of the basket.
“I’m not leaving until you give me an answer, Aiden,” she said stubbornly. “I must have done something to make you behave as though you hate me. Was I too forward? Did my brazen behavior scare you off for some reason?”
“Can’t we just forget the kiss happened?” I asked desperately, wanting her to drop the subject as quickly as possible.
“Did it mean that little to you?” She questioned on the verge of tears. “Was I the only one who felt something from it?”
“I just want to forget about it Hanah!” I roared, letting my frustration get the better of me. “Why can’t you just let it go?”
“Because I’ve fallen in love with you,” she admitted quietly,
allowing her heart to speak for her. “I can’t help the way I feel. I’ve tried to stop but nothing I do helps me forget about you. I want you, Aiden. I want us to be a family. I want you in my life forever. Why won’t you to accept my heart? It’s yours for the taking. I’m yours for the taking.”
I fisted my hands in my lap to prevent me from taking Hanah into my arms and kissing her again.
“I can’t, Hanah,” I said, feeling despair in my heart for having to deny her. “I’m not the man for you. You need to forget about me. Please, trust me to know what’s best for the both of us.”
“You’re best for me,” she said obstinately. “If you can honestly tell me you feel nothing for me, I will leave you alone. I promise to never bother you again if you can say the words truthfully.”
“I feel nothing for you,” I said in a voice that lacked conviction. “I just want you to go and never bother me again.”
Even in the dark, I could see a small smile form on Hanah’s lips.
“And that wasn’t the truth, Aiden,” she said, seeing hope in my attempt to lie to her. “Let me love you. Let me show you what a beautiful life we can have with one another. I don’t know what you’ve been through before to make you want to shy away from loving others, but I promise I will never hurt you. If you give me your heart, I will cherish it until the day I die and into the afterlife. I will never forsake you or your love. Give me a chance to prove how much you mean to me.”
Hanah stood as I watched her and slowly began to disrobe in front of me.
I sat there not knowing what to do. I think I might have gone into a state of shock when I saw her completely naked for the first time. I could hardly breathe much less think coherently. And worst of all, my body betrayed me by displaying how much I wanted her.
“Make me yours, Aiden,” she said, holding out her hand to me like a goddess bestowing her favor upon me. “And I will make you mine.”
After that, I was a lost man.
I felt like I wasn’t in control of my actions anymore as I stood and swept Hanah up into my arms. The taste of her warm flesh in my mouth and the feel of it against my own skin were addicting. Hanah was a patient lover that night. She showed me where to touch her with my hands and mouth to bring her the most pleasure. And she wasn’t selfish. She pleasured me as much as I did her. When the time came for her to take me into her body, I felt an intimate connection with her that I had never experienced before. It was almost as if we became one person in that moment, and I prolonged the pleasure of it for as long as I could before finding my release inside her.
Afterwards, we lay in each other’s arms, completely spent from the exertion. Yet, I couldn’t seem to stop touching her body and finding comfort in just the feel of her skin against mine.
“What are you thinking about?” She asked me as we lay there beside one another.
“I’m thinking that I’ve never experienced anything like that before,” I admitted. “And that I want to experience it with you again.”
Hanah giggled. The sound of her joy made me smile.
“Well,” she said, rolling over onto her side to face me. “I’m more than willing if you are.” She looked down between us and grinned. “And it looks like you’re more than ready.”
After we made love a second time, I held her in my arms and told her about the war in Heaven. Of course, I didn’t tell her I was an angel or where the war actually took place, but I told her what I could and found a sense of relief in being able to share myself with her so openly. I talked about my heartache over losing Andel and how his death changed me. I even found myself telling her that I planned to make the person who was ultimately responsible for his death suffer.
“The path to revenge can do more damage than good,” Hanah warned me. “I know you want to avenge your friend, but are you sure that’s what he would want you to do?”
Her question made me remember Andel’s last words to me. He understood my nature and knew I would want to seek revenge for his death. Because he knew me so well, he used his final words to beg me not to do it. If I had been a better man, perhaps I could have granted Andel’s final wish. But I wasn’t strong enough. I hadn’t even been strong enough to deny my physical desire for Hanah.
God had given us one simple rule to follow while on Earth, and I had just broken it. I knew he didn’t want us to marry, but surely, after sharing myself with Hanah physically, it would have been even worse not to marry her afterwards. I didn’t want to sully her reputation among the other villagers. At the time, it seemed like that would have been an even worse sin.
Eventually, Hanah and I fell asleep in each other’s arms underneath a canopy of stars. The dream I had that night was a nightmarish premonition of the future that awaited me. I saw myself swimming in an ocean of blood with the faceless, bloated corpses of those I would eventually kill floating around me. If I had known I would wake up changed, I might not have ever gone to sleep. But even if I had stayed awake all night, I know it wouldn’t have mattered. I had broken God’s law and now had to pay the price.
I woke up screaming that morning.
“Aiden,” Hanah said, startled out of her own sleep by me. “What’s wrong?”
I bent over at the waist, wrapping my arms around my middle and resting my head against my bare knees. My stomach felt an emptiness I instinctively knew no amount of food would be able to fill.
When Hanah touched me, I felt myself flinch away from her caress. My ears were pounding from the sound of her blood pumping through her body, beckoning me to drink it.
“Aiden,” she begged, wanting me to respond to her in some way.
I lifted my head and looked over at her. When I did, my eyes were immediately drawn to her throat. The pulsating rhythm of her blood pumping through her artery there was hypnotic. I couldn’t draw my gaze away from it.
“Aiden,” she said again, this time breaking the spell her blood had put me under. “What’s wrong with you? Are you sick? You look so pale.”
I looked down at myself and noticed my skin was no longer tan anymore.
“I’m not feeling well,” I admitted.
“Then let’s go home and get you into bed,” she said. “You need to rest if you’re sick.”
I stood from the ground and felt a little lightheaded which caused me to stumble. Hanah grabbed my shoulders with her hands to steady me. The warmth of her touch stirred something dark deep down inside me and made its hunger for her blood grow. I made myself not flinch away from her caress a second time, knowing it would cause her to become suspicious.
I didn’t understand what was wrong with me, but I did know it wasn’t something bed rest would be able to cure.
When Hanah and I reached the village, she told me to go home and rest while she took care of putting the sheep back in their pen. I didn’t argue because I desperately wanted to get away from her. I needed to stay away from everyone to prevent myself from doing the unthinkable. As soon as I stepped inside my home, I went to the courtyard and fell to my knees in supplication. The rays of the sun spilled down through the opening covering me in its warm radiance.
“Father!” I called out desperately. “What have you done to me?”
But an answer never came. It never would.
I felt cut off from God. It was a feeling I had never experienced before, and I didn’t know if He would ever speak to me again. Without His guidance, I didn’t know what to do to remedy the situation I found myself in. With no direction, I ended up making mistake after mistake. The first of which was marrying Hanah. I knew God didn’t want us marrying humans, but since I had already been with Hanah in an intimate way, I thought perhaps He would at least talk to me if I did the honorable thing in human society by marrying her.
I didn’t want to waste any time and immediately went to Calev that morning to ask for Hanah’s hand in marriage. He, of course, gave me permission right away. That evening we had a small ceremony in his home. Foolishly, I thought the bloodlust I woke up with would vanish afte
r our vows were spoken. If anything, the marriage only made matters worse.
Calev offered to take care of Gil that night so Hanah and I could have some time alone as a newly wedded couple. It was the first time I used sex as a distraction from my bloodlust, but I was only prolonging the inevitable. Eventually, my need for that first taste of blood would not be denied. I would eventually succumb to it, but I want you to know I did everything within my power at the time to fight against it.
The next morning, while we were moving Hanah’s things out of her father’s home and into mine, I found myself having a hard time keeping my hunger at bay. Gil was running around us excited to be moving back inside the home he lived in with his mother and real father. There were times I caught myself watching him, wondering how sweet his blood would taste on my tongue. I detested myself for having such thoughts but couldn’t prevent them no matter how hard I tried.
As we dined together for the first time as a family that evening, nothing I ate seemed to satisfy my depraved appetite. Hanah and Gil were oblivious to what was happening to me. Their happiness blinded them to the monster they were now living with. And that’s exactly what I was, a monster.
“Would you please put Gil to bed?” Hanah asked me as she cleared away our dishes from the dining table.
I didn’t actually want to be alone with the boy. I was afraid I might hurt him, but neither could I come up with a good enough excuse on why I couldn’t do as Hanah asked.
Gil stood from his seat and innocently grabbed my hand.
“Should I call you papa now?” He asked, looking up at me with complete trust in his eyes.
I didn’t know what to say because all I could think about was tearing his neck open with the jagged edges of my teeth and drinking his blood. I shook my head to clear my mind of the imagery. Even though it was exactly what I wanted to do, a part of my soul prevented me from giving into my unholy desires. I knew I could kill every human in the village if I really wanted to and no one would be able to stop me. It struck me how ironic it was that I had been the one to build a wall to keep robbers and murders out of the village. Now, I was the one they should be frightened of.