She stood at my stove, cooking what smelled like omelets. I couldn’t explain that the reason I didn’t see her was that I was lost in thoughts about her.
“It smells amazing in here. You didn’t have to cook.”
She shrugged. “I like to cook. And you’re always such a willing participant.”
It was true. She made great food. “Well, thank you anyway.”
She gawked at me for a beat too long, so I glanced down at myself. My shirt was wet, but that was it. “What?”
Mac flushed and turned back to the stove. “Sorry. It’s hard for me to realize something new every day.”
I didn’t understand. “What do you mean?” I opened the fridge and grabbed a bottle of water, downing it in one gulp.
“I cooked every day but was never thanked. You…you not only appreciate that I do it, but you help, too. I know that’s probably silly—”
I set down the water bottle. “Mac. It’s not silly. But you’re right. What you lived with for years wasn’t the way it’s supposed to be. This is the way it’s supposed to be. You share responsibilities with each other. You appreciate each other.” I tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. I loved her long blond hair.
“Was it like that with your mom?” Her question was so quiet I almost missed it.
I thought back to my mom, always in the kitchen cooking. “I’m sure it was. Like I told you before, she rarely left the house. I’m sure that was her role, to have food ready the second he got home. It’s a classic abuser move.”
“I go to my appointment with Dr. Mia tomorrow.” Dr. Mia was a psychiatrist in our area that helped several of my bandmates in the past and currently. “Will you come with me?”
“Of course. If you want me there, I’ll be there.”
I took plates out of the cabinet, and she slid our omelets on them. She had cut-up fruit in the refrigerator, and I poured us both a cup of coffee. We sat, eating our breakfast, for a few moments in silence.
“This is so good. Thank you again. I could get used to this.” I pierced a piece of egg onto my fork and shoved it in my mouth.
“Anytime. I like doing it for you. It makes me feel like I’m contributing.”
She made little comments like this sometimes, and I wondered if she thought she was overstaying her welcome. “Mackenzie, so you know, you’re welcome here as long as you want to be here.”
She nodded. “Thank you, Tanner. I honestly don’t know what to do with myself now. I should probably figure that out soon. You have a life here, and my life is across the state. My father’s business is there, and even though I’m working here, I don’t know…”
“What you need to focus your thinking on is what you want to do. You told me you didn’t want to be a private investigator. So…now is your chance. You can start over completely. You’re free. Of everything.”
She pushed her fruit around on her plate. “I don’t know how to be free.”
“You can decide what you want now, Mac. You can walk out this door today and go wherever you want. No one controls you anymore.” I didn’t want her to go. Not for one second. But I wouldn’t make her stay. She needed to learn that she controlled her destiny.
Her face paled. “I don’t want to be by myself.”
“Honey.” I scooted my bar stool closer to her, and she turned, fitting her legs between mine. “It’s normal to be afraid. Take it one day at a time. I have practice later today. Would you like to come?”
“Do you want me to come?”
I shook my head at her. “No. Wrong response. What do you want to do? It doesn’t matter what I want.”
She blew out a breath and straightened her back. “Yes, Tanner. I want to watch you guys practice.”
I smiled. “Good. I think it would be awesome for you to be there.”
“Natalie and I are going to get lunch later and then do some shopping, so I’ll come with her.”
“That sounds amazing. I’m glad you two are hitting it off.” I wouldn’t think about how strange that was, but it solidified that Natalie was an amazing person.
“I was working on Tracey’s case earlier.” Mac broke our eye contact again. “I wanted to ask you a question.”
“Go ahead.”
“What would you think about me going to visit your dad in prison?”
I stood so fast the bar stool fell behind me, crashing to the floor. Mac immediately shrank back, ducking instinctively while she turned her back to me. I realized right away what she thought, and I froze. I wrapped my arms around her, only to feel her shaking uncontrollably.
“Mackenzie,” I said into her hair. “My God, I’m sorry. I would never…” I felt the unfamiliar sting of tears behind my eyes, followed quickly by rage. This woman was so broken, despite her efforts to be strong. If I ever met Andrew in a dark alley…
“I know. I’m sorry. I just…” I felt her tears hitting my forearms, and it shredded my heart into pieces.
“Don’t be sorry, baby. I shouldn’t have reacted like that. It wasn’t directed at you. I can’t fathom seeing him again, much less letting you in there with that monster.” She turned back to face me, her lip trembling with leftover fear.
“I understand. I overreacted. It’s going to take some time.”
I stood and pulled her with me. I wrapped my arms around her and hugged her tightly to my body. I held onto her until I felt her heart rate decelerate and her breathing regulate. “I need to work on my reactions around you, too. I never want you to feel afraid of me.”
“I’m not.” Her cheek rested on my chest, her arms wrapped around my waist. Her fingers kneaded my back, and I wondered if she realized what she was doing. It felt so good, so natural. “Sometimes I can’t tell my overactive brain that.” She tipped her face back and gave me a weak smile. “I do know you won’t hurt me, Tanner. I do.”
The urge to kiss her again consumed me. Before I could think too much into it, she stepped up on her toes and kissed me, her lips moving against mine. I sucked in a breath and opened my mouth, her warm tongue caressing mine as we crossed the line again.
I held her face as our mouths danced together. I knew she could feel how aroused I was for her, but I would have to stop kissing her and back away to keep that a secret. And since she instigated it this time, I sure as hell wasn’t stopping.
She walked her hands from around my waist to my chest, my shirt still slightly damp from my workout. I probably smelled like ass, but she didn’t seem to mind.
Small whimpers escaped from deep in her throat.
She needed to stop this and soon or I wouldn’t be able to.
Chapter Fourteen
Mackenzie
What was I doing? What was he doing? What were we doing?
Kissing Tanner was an out of body experience. The first time he brushed his lips against mine, it was the best feeling I thought I might’ve ever had. The night he kissed me for real, and our tongues danced together like they instinctively knew all the moves?
I fell.
I fell hard.
He was so gentle with me all the time. Yet, I still freaked out. And he was patient with me about that, too.
He was as opposite from Andrew as anyone could be.
This time, I kissed him. I wanted to find a way to reassure him that I didn’t think of him as some monster. My words weren’t doing it. So I kissed him.
We were still kissing. His large hands splayed on my lower back as he held me close to him. There wasn’t any space between our bodies. My fingers gripped the cotton of his shirt. I felt his rigid length between us, but he didn’t go any further. Even though I may want him to. He tasted like our breakfast and something else male and incredibly sexy. He nibbled my lip and tongue as he leaned in and deepened our kiss again.
I both knew we should stop and never wanted it to end at the same time.
One of our phones chirped and we ignored it. It quieted after a moment and then restarted. Tanner groaned into my mouth and stepped back, snatching his phone
off the counter.
“What?” He snapped into the receiver. His jaw ticked with irritation, and he ran his hand through his short hair. “Yes. No. Okay. I’ll see you then. I’m fine. No. Bye.” He slammed the phone down and turned to me. “I’m sorry.”
I laughed. I couldn’t help it. He was all worked up and upset over whoever that was on the phone breaking our kiss when all we had to do was do it again. “Who was that?”
“Fucking Johnny,” Tanner grumbled. “What’s so funny?”
I shrugged, still laughing. “You act like he walked in on us or something.”
Tanner’s eyes darkened, and he stepped closer to me. “Don’t say things like that.”
I felt playful. “Like what?”
“You already know what you do to me, Mac. I’m barely hanging on to my restraint as it is.”
He was barely hanging on to his restraint? Which meant what? He wanted to do more than what we were already doing?
“I’m trying to be a good guy here, Mac, but kissing you like that and thinking about what else I want to do to you—well, it makes many things hard.” He wiggled his eyebrows at me and I laughed. “I don’t have much practice behaving. But I’m trying.”
I slung my arm around his waist. “Who said I want you to behave?”
Tanner closed his eyes and leaned down, resting his forehead on mine. “Jesus, Mac. You’re seriously testing my self-control. I need to give you time, sweetie. You can’t go from being with Andrew and experiencing the trauma you’ve been through to being with me. No matter how much we may want it. I can’t put you in that position. You have to find yourself first. I’ll be here every step of the way, but you have to do this for you. Not for me.”
Frustration bubbled to the surface, but I tampered it down. I forced the feelings of rejection away. He wasn’t rejecting me. He was respecting me. Something I never had from Andrew.
“Don’t be upset.” Tanner read my thoughts and tilted my chin so our eyes met. “You’re beautiful; you know that? Not just on the outside, Mac. Every part of you is beautiful.”
My heart soared, flying high above this house, above the clouds and into the heavens. I knew he was right. About everything.
“Thank you.”
“I’m not going anywhere. Trust me. I’ll be right here when all this is past you.”
“Can we still kiss?”
He smirked. “You bet your pretty ass. Now that I got a taste of you…” Tanner shook his head. “There’s no going back now.”
“Those rags are all wrong.” When he lifted his eyebrow, I continued. “You aren’t a manwhore.” I turned and walked down the hall to the bathroom.
His laughter followed me all the way.
* * *
I sat and watched Jaded Regret run through their new material. I was in awe. It was still surreal to me that I loved them since they first started, and here I was behind the scenes with them.
Also surreal was the fact that I had a friendship-turned-more with Tanner Hart, the notorious playboy of rock music.
“What do you think?” Natalie appeared next to me. We had a great time at lunch and shopping today. It was nice to have a girlfriend again. Being with her reminded me of McKenzie, and I made a mental note to find her now that Andrew was long gone. I needed girlfriends again.
“I love being here.” Just then Bex threw her head back and laughed at a major flub they did, and the rest of the band joined in. “It’s great seeing them like this.”
“They’re a misfit crew; that’s for damn sure. But they’re family.”
“I can see that.” I zeroed in on Tanner. At that moment, he glanced up at me. His guitar hung in front of his chest as he waited for Bex and Johnny to work something out with their part. Tanner smiled and winked, sending butterflies fluttering through my stomach.
“I’ve never seen him like this,” Natalie said. I broke Tanner’s gaze to look at Natalie.
“What?”
“Tanner. He’s…different with you.”
I blushed, ducking my head to avert her gaze.
“You like him, don’t you?”
Be honest or lie to her?
“Doesn’t most of America?” I chose to joke instead.
Natalie laughed. “You got that right. And it’s possible he’s entertained about half of them, too.”
We both laughed, causing the band to stop and stare at us. Natalie held out her hand. “Sorry. Don’t mind us.”
“Not sure I want to know why you’re laughing and looking at me,” Tanner said.
They turned back to playing, and we quieted down.
“You don’t have to answer me,” Natalie whispered in my ear a moment later. “I see the way both of you look at each other. I never thought I’d see the day. Kudos to you, my friend.”
I let her comment roll around in my head, but I didn’t respond. It was hard to explain what we were doing or not doing right now. I wasn’t sure I knew.
Friends who kissed? Friends who slept in the same bed wrapped in each other’s arms?
The best friendship I’d ever had.
* * *
“Mackenzie, when are you coming home?” My dad’s voice boomed through the speaker on my phone. I was in the room Tanner turned into an office for me; papers were spread out on the desk and the laptop he bought for me open with too many windows for me to be able to focus on one thing.
Now my dad wanted me to come home.
“Dad.” I didn’t know what to say because I didn’t want to leave here.
Yesterday, I had my first appointment with Dr. Mia. I liked her a lot, and when we talked, I understood what she said. She wanted to see me several times a week. She wanted to focus mostly on my internal thinking and changing the way I saw myself. We, of course, still had to deal with whatever was going to happen with Andrew and the charges against him, but she would help me through that when the time came. Having Tanner there with me, though he waited in the waiting room the whole time, made me feel confident. Like I could do this.
My first order of business was to be my own woman, starting with my father.
“I’m not sure I’m coming home.” I cleared my throat. “Actually, no. I know I’m not coming home.”
“All because of Andrew? Come on, Kenz.”
That was another thing. The nickname. “Dad, could you do me a favor, please? Can you stop calling me that?”
“What? Kenz? I called you that for years.”
“Yes, I know. You called me that because Andrew did. I never liked it, and he didn’t care.”
“Oh. Well, okay, sweetie. Mackenzie, you can’t let him keep you away from your life.”
“I know that. And he’s not. I want to take the time to evaluate what I want for my life now. I’m still working, Dad. I’m not going to leave you high and dry. You have to be okay with me working from over here.”
“And this guy you’re staying with? The rocker?”
“Tanner. He’s my friend, Dad. He’s done everything for me. I talked to a therapist yesterday, and it helped.”
He cleared his throat. “I’m glad he’s there for you, but I still don’t like you shacking up with some guy. Especially that guy. I know what his reputation is like. You know Andrew wouldn’t like it…”
Anger boiled inside me, and I stood up, pushing my chair back. “Are you seriously talking about my ex-boyfriend, the one who beat me, like he has some claim on my life now?”
“Mackenzie, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you. I’m worried about you.”
“Andrew and I are done, Dad. I refuse to allow him to control my life anymore. If you want to be part of my life, you’ll respect that.”
Silence enveloped both lines for so long I had to look and see if he hung up. “You’re right. I’m sorry. You’re an adult, and you know what you’re doing. If you’re happy and safe, then that’s all I need to know.”
“Thank you. Now, back to work. I’m working on a new case that I need to go out of town for. Do I have the auth
orization to use the company card to book a flight and hotel?”
“Of course. If you’ll fill out the form for me and send it to my assistant, that way the accountant doesn’t yell at me again.” He chuckled. “Where you headed?”
I scanned the papers on the desk in front of me, Tracey and Thomas Hartwell’s names spread at the top of all of them. “Tennessee.”
* * *
I hated lying to Tanner, but I knew he didn’t want me to go to Tennessee. If I didn’t go, I couldn’t get any further with his sister’s disappearance. I had all the information that was accessible to me, and it still didn’t get me anywhere.
The answers were with Thomas Hartwell, and I was going to see him and find out what happened.
Tanner thought I was headed to a private investigator conference in Atlanta. I was well aware that if I came back with information on his sister, he may never forgive me for lying to him.
It’s a chance I had to take, because if I got nowhere with Thomas, and Tracey’s disappearance was still a dead end, then Tanner wouldn’t have to be disappointed. Again.
I rolled my suitcase down the hall and stopped in the kitchen. Tanner was nowhere. My casts were finally off, so I finally felt normal again. After multiple sessions with Dr. Mia and no contact with Andrew, I felt stronger than I ever had in my life.
I kissed Tanner every day and slept wrapped in his arms every night. Our “relationship” grew in leaps and bounds over the last few weeks, but we both still held back somewhat. Though it killed me, I understood why.
Even if I didn’t like it.
I more than likely would have to go back and face Andrew in court for the charges against him, unless he accepted some plea deal. I doubted that because Andrew didn’t believe he deserved any punishment. Plus, his dad was as crooked as him so I already assumed he would walk free.
At this point, it didn’t matter to me, as long as he stayed away from me. That was all the justice I needed.
“Tanner?” I checked the time on my phone and knew I had to go. My flight left in two hours, and I was a good thirty minutes from the airport.
Hartstrings: A Jaded Regret Novel (Jaded Regret Series Book 3) Page 17