by Siera Maley
“You’re pissed,” I realized, sighing deeply.
“I’m not,” she countered. “Just frustrated.” She rejoined me on the floor with a sigh of her own, and her eyes met mine. She didn’t look away, and I felt strangely exposed as she told me, “Katie, I get that things have been weird lately. I’ve thought about it a lot, and I get all of it. If you don’t want me to hang out with Sam, you can just say so.”
I swallowed the lump in my throat, and told her, quietly, “I don’t want you to hang out with Sam.”
Her eyes didn’t leave mine. “Okay. Why not?” she asked.
I swallowed again. This time, the lump didn’t go away. “I… um.” I paused, closed my eyes, and then avoided her gaze as I told her, “I just don’t think he’s a good guy.”
She didn’t really react, beyond a sigh I was half-sure I imagined, and then she was reaching for the Calculus book on the floor and pulling it onto her lap.
“I need to study, so let me know when you want me to take you home,” was all she said, and I felt confident in that moment that the lump in my throat would be there forever.
Sunday, LAMBDA met Owen at the resource center as planned, and I kept my distance from both Owen and Sarah. She sensed I wasn’t very eager to talk to her, and spent most of the day with Hattie and Henry, cutting out circular stickers and printing out fliers that advertised National Coming Out Day, while I found myself hanging out with Violet and Jake, making banners to hang around the school. That was Jake’s plan: to decorate the halls and walls and lockers early Monday morning. I wasn’t sure how well-received his idea would be come Monday, but it seemed well-intentioned enough, and so I was excited to finally start paying my dues to the people I’d felt like I’d been using for the past month.
“If we can make even one more person at our school feel like they have a safe environment if they want to come out, we’ve done our jobs,” Jake declared to the rest of the group at the end of the day, when we’d finally finished the decorations. “Now all we have to do is get a few volunteers to come to school early tomorrow morning and stick this stuff up everywhere, and our work here is done.”
Owen gave us a round of applause, and we all joined in, sweaty but grinning. I had one banner I was particularly proud of; I wasn’t a great artist, but I’d managed to paint a pretty massive rainbow flag onto it, and both Violet and Jake had complimented me on it.
As we all filed out of the building, Jake nudged me and asked, “Are you gonna help Monday morning? We’ve got a lot of stuff to put up.”
“Sure,” I agreed. “I’ll be there, if you’ll give me a ride.”
And I was. Monday morning, most of us came to school early. Jake and I were the first ones there, and we got started on the main hallway. My rainbow flag banner went up first, and Jake taped several fliers to the walls and put one small sticker in every locker. When everyone else from the club finally showed up, he handed out stacks of the stickers and delegated us to different parts of the school, so that every locker would get one.
Sarah, to my surprise, showed up as well, but it was Hattie who wound up assigned to the same hallway as me, and as we walked along opposite ends, I asked her, “Do you think this sticker thing’s a good idea? I mean, what if people don’t want them?”
“It’s just a sticker,” she laughed out. “People are ignorant, but I can’t imagine anyone’d make that big a deal out of it. Would you get mad if the chess club left a sticker advertising National Chess Day in your locker?”
“No,” I admitted. “Maybe I’m just paranoid.”
An hour later, at seven thirty, students began piling into the school by the dozens. I went to my first class, which started at eight, and honestly, I didn’t think much more about the whole National Coming Out Day thing.
I met Sarah by my locker after class, just off of the main hallway, and we played nice for the students who still wasted their time staring at us, despite the fact that things were still a little tense between us. Once I’d gotten my books for my next couple of classes, I moved in the direction of my next period, toward the main hallway. Sarah grabbed my arm quickly.
“Hey, do you mind if we detour? I need to refill my water bottle.”
“You fill it up every morning,” I dismissed. “Shouldn’t you have plenty left?”
“Yeah, but I need more,” she replied weakly. I rolled my eyes at her, a little suspicious, and continued toward the main hallway. She fell into step beside me, fidgeting.
“What’s up with you?” I asked her.
“Nothing. I just… really think we should go a different way.”
“Why?”
She bit her lip and didn’t answer, and a moment later, I found out why.
In the main hallway, the banner I’d worked hard on now rested on the floor, torn into several pieces and sporting dozens of dusty footprints. Even as I stared, several more students walked right over what remained of it. I took it in with furrowed eyebrows, my throat tightening.
“Cool,” I mumbled at last, and hurried on to the next hallway, Sarah barely keeping up with me.
“It was probably Brett Larson and the other asshole football players,” she told me. “You know he’s had it out for you since that day you stood up to him.”
“Other asshole football players. Like your boyfriend?” I shot back.
“He’s not my boyfriend yet,” she countered.
“Well, I’m sure you two will be very happy together after tonight.”
“That’s really not fair of you to say after-” she started to say, but before she could finish, Connor suddenly appeared in front of us, his eyebrows pulled together anxiously. Both Sarah and I stopped in the hallway, staring at him, but his eyes were only on me.
“Hey, Katie. Uh…” He glanced to Sarah at last, looking nervous, and, when he realized she wasn’t going anywhere, simply lowered his voice and asked, “I was kind of wondering if you would come over to my house after school? Just to talk and stuff.”
I saw Sarah tense beside me out of my peripheral vision, and my response was completely instinctive; a dumb, heat-of-the-moment decision.
“Yeah, sure. I’d love to,” I told him. He looked surprised by my answer, and gave me a small smile. It was unlike him, but it suited him better than his usual cocky grin.
“Really? Awesome. See you then. And at lunch, but… yeah.” He nodded once and then left us alone, and Sarah glared at me when he was gone.
“Seriously?”
“What? You’re the only one who can spend an afternoon with a guy?”
“That’s really clever, Katie,” she snapped, and left without waiting for a response.
I watched her storm away, my eyebrows furrowed, and then, right around the time she was turning a corner and disappearing from my sight, I realized what I’d just agreed to. I wasn’t remotely attracted to Connor, and now I’d agreed to go to his house. It really was an awful idea. But at the same time, there was something satisfying about knowing that it bothered Sarah.
I got through lunch and a couple of classes with Sarah easily enough. We ignored each other, and weren’t so great at hiding that we were ignoring each other, which left everyone involved in our personal lives aware of the fact that we were upset with each other. That situation had been awkward enough back when we were just friends, but now that we were pretending to be a couple, it was even more uncomfortable.
By the end of the day, I wanted to tell Connor that I’d changed my mind about going home with him, but as we walked out to his car together, I saw Sarah joining Sam in his car, and that strengthened my resolve. Even if I didn’t actually do anything with Connor, there were some upsides to letting Sarah think I had.
I think Sarah expected me to chicken out, too, because as I passed her and Sam and climbed into Connor’s jeep, I saw her look directly at me, her eyebrows furrowed and her mouth turned down into a frown. But then Sam said something to her and her attention was on him, and Connor was starting his jeep and telling me, “Thanks fo
r coming with me. I kind of thought you’d say no for sure.”
“Yeah, well… you asked nicely. I’m not used to that from you,” I admitted.
“Yeah,” he echoed. “I know I’ve been kind of an ass.”
“You say that like you’re done being an ass,” I said.
“Maybe I am,” he replied.
We reached his house within minutes, and I felt my trepidation grow when I realized there were no other cars in the driveway or in the garage. His parents weren’t home.
“I guess the basement’s as good a place as any,” he suggested once we were inside. He opened a door to reveal a set of stairs that curled into the darkness, and when he saw my hesitation, he insisted, “I just wanna talk. I swear.”
“Would you blame me for not really trusting you?” I asked him, moving away from him when he offered me his hand.
“Not at all. But I’m asking you to,” he replied. I studied him. There was something different about him. Gone was the arrogant asshole I’d known for a couple of years now. Instead, Connor seemed anxious. Nervous. And he was staring at me pleadingly, which was certainly not a look I’d ever seen on him before.
I sighed and took his hand. “Okay. But if you murder me, Sarah knows I’m here.”
He laughed as he led me down the stairs. “Damn. And here I thought I was going to get away with it.”
We reached the basement, and he turned a light on. I was pleasantly surprised. The room was finished, with a carpet and a couch and several video game stations that rested on a large cabinet alongside a television. “This is kind of cool,” I admitted.
“Right?” he agreed. “My parents had it put in for my brothers and me when we moved in.”
“I didn’t know you had brothers.” I took a seat beside him on the couch and folded my hands in my lap. I considered, for the first time, that I was supposed to be dating Sarah, and yet Connor had invited me here anyway. He wasn’t acting like a jerk, but it certainly seemed like his goal was to try and “turn me straight”, or whatever it was guys like him thought they were doing when they hooked up with girls who called themselves lesbians.
“Three older ones,” he confirmed, and then cleared his throat abruptly. “Anyway… so here we are.”
“Here we are,” I echoed, growing uncomfortable again.
“Um…” He took a deep breath, and when I looked over at him, I noticed that he was trembling slightly. “Look, I really am glad you came, especially because I know it pissed Sarah off and caused trouble for you guys. I didn’t know who else to talk to. I’ve never done anything like this before, and I guess… you were so nice at the party when I was upset, and I get that you don’t remember most of it because if you did you wouldn’t look so confused right now.” He forced a laugh, and I blinked at him, clueless. I had absolutely no idea what he was talking about.
“Wait… what happened at the party?”
“Some guy just pissed me off. Made a stupid comment.” He shook my question off. “I guess, uh… what I’m trying to say is that I thought today would be a good day…” He clenched his teeth together and his arms shook. I put a hand on his shoulder to try and still him; seeing him this scared was starting to scare me.
“Connor?”
He let out another deep breath, and laughed a little. “I don’t know why this is so hard; you’re gonna be totally cool with it, obviously, but, ah…” He paused, working himself up, and then announced, “I’m kind of bisexual.”
I stared at him. I was sure I hadn’t heard him right.
He let out a long rush of air, like he’d been holding it all in for minutes, and then slouched back against the couch, putting both hands on top of his head. “Wow. I think that’s the first time I’ve ever even said it aloud.”
“You’re bisexual,” I repeated, hardly daring to believe it. Connor, asshole Connor, Connor who’d contributed to the dozens of terrible comments sent Sarah and my way over the course of the past five weeks… that Connor liked guys?
“What a way to celebrate National Coming Out Day. Here I am,” he said, nodding at me. “Man, I’ve been keeping that in for what, a year and a half now?”
“Are you being serious right now?” I asked him. “Like, you’re really bisexual?”
“Yeah.” He nodded again. “I guess that’s kind of why I’m an ass. I thought I could just be, you know, one of the guys and no one would know.”
“And you were right,” I marveled, blinking up at him. “Wow.”
“I think I, uh, actually kind of prefer guys,” he admitted shyly. “But girls are hot too. I just wanted to tell someone, and I thought you’d understand, between our talk at the party and you being gay and all. You won’t tell anyone, right? I’m gonna be better now. I never meant any of the stuff I said to you and Sarah, and I’ll leave you guys alone now. I’ll leave Hannah alone. I just kind of wanna finish high school and get out of here, you know?”
“Yeah,” I agreed quietly. “Don’t worry, Connor. I won’t tell anyone.” And I wouldn’t, although it would be pretty damn tempting. But I wouldn’t wish what I’d gone through on anyone. Not even Connor.
“Alright. Thanks.” He hesitated, and then told me, “Well, I might still have to be an ass sometimes. Just to, you know, fit in. But now you’ll know it’s an act. That’s an improvement, right?”
I just sighed at him. There was the Connor I was used to.
In the distance, his doorbell rang, and we both looked to the stairs that led to the front door, confused. “Are you expecting company?” I asked, though his expression was an answer in itself.
“Nah. Wonder who it is?”
We both made our way back upstairs, and Connor went ahead of me, reaching the door first as I hung back by his kitchen counter. I saw a flash of brunette hair through the translucent glass of the door, and then Connor was opening it and I was staring at the doorway in surprise.
“Sarah?” Connor and I asked at the same time, and she immediately pushed past Connor, her gaze steely as she headed straight for me.
“Are you okay?” she asked me abruptly, and I nodded dumbly at her, baffled as to what she was doing here. She was supposed to be with Sam.
“Good.” She rounded on Connor, who immediately looked afraid for his life. “Listen, asshole. If you so much as touched her, you’re gonna be jealous of what Ken dolls have between their legs.”
“We were just talking,” Connor told her, his face reddening. “I swear. I didn’t know when I asked that her coming over here would be such a big problem.”
“Well, now you do. Stay away from my girlfriend.” She reached for my hand, and then I was being led out of Connor’s house and out to Sarah’s car. Part of me was completely confused as to what was going on and was kind of interested in hearing more from Connor about how he came to the conclusion that he was bisexual… but another part of me was kind of just mostly marveling at how angry Sarah was. I’d never really seen her this mad before.
“What were you thinking?” she hissed at me when we were safely in her car. “Connor?”
“You didn’t seem to have such a massive problem with it earlier today,” I pointed out.
“Because I didn’t think you’d actually be crazy enough to go through with it! He’s so sleazy, Katie.”
“He was nice,” I told her. “You didn’t have to come get me. Weren’t you supposed to spend today with Sam?”
“Yeah, well…” She sucked in a breath and moved to pull out of Connor’s driveway. “That lasted all of five minutes before I told him to take me back to the school.”
“And then you came here,” I said. She didn’t reply. “What about Sam?”
“I don’t know, Katie,” she sighed out. “Things are little…” she trailed off, and just kind of shook her head and made a confused motion with her hand before finishing, “right now.”
I sat back in my seat, not sure what to say to that. But Sarah wasn’t done talking. She let out an exasperated groan, and said, “God, why can’t you ju
st…? I don’t know.”
“You’re not making much sense,” I admitted.
“That makes two of us,” she mumbled. I glanced at her to see she was staring straight ahead, her hands tight on the steering wheel.
“Thanks for saving me,” I said at last. I didn’t want to blow Connor’s secret, and I assumed he’d prefer Sarah hating him to her knowing the truth. At least for now.
“You’re welcome. I seriously don’t even know what you were thinking.”
I turned away from her to look out my window. “I was thinking that you weren’t the only one who deserved attention from a guy.”
“God, since when does that shit matter to you?” she countered. “You’re above that, Katie. C’mon.”
“You don’t practice what you preach,” I observed.
“Yeah, but that’s just how I am. That’s what makes you a better person than me.”
I closed my eyes and leaned back, resting my head on the seat. I sighed. “Can’t you just stay away from Sam?” I felt the bump of the curb as we pulled up into my driveway, and Sarah stopped the car and put it into park.
“Why?”
“Are you gonna ask me that every time?”
“Yes.”
I opened my eyes and looked over at her. “I heard him saying he didn’t care that we were together. He wanted to hook up with you anyway, and he wanted to lie to you and that other girl – Christine – from the party. Like, juggle both of you at the same time. He doesn’t care about you, Sarah. He doesn’t want a relationship. He’s just a liar.”
She took that in with her eyes in her lap, and I pressed on.
“I know you might not believe me, but I wouldn’t lie about this, okay?”
“You wouldn’t,” she agreed, much to my surprise. “You’re a good person.” She raised her gaze to meet mine, and offered me a small, forced smile. “Which is why you don’t deserve someone like Connor. But maybe I go well with someone like Sam.”
“Don’t be stupid,” I murmured.
“It’s not.” She reached over and unlocked the car doors. Her silent signal that she was ready for me to get out. “Katie, do you know what people say about me?”