by Siera Maley
“I’m your best friend,” I reminded her. “I’m only going to worry more if you don’t show me them. If they’re not that bad, then let me see.”
Her hands flexed, and the knuckles whitened and then went red again. At last, she let out a quiet sigh.
“Alright. Fine.”
And so, ten minutes later, I found myself sitting across from her on her bed, scrolling through dozens of text messages on her phone from unknown numbers while she chewed on her lip next to me.
It was, frankly, horrifying.
She got everything I’d had sent to me and more. Inappropriate pictures from guys, messages calling her a slut, telling her to make up her mind, asking for sex acts… There were insults and rude come-ons and even a couple of messages that seemed to be from girls. Those told her she was just looking for attention, but even despite their relative accuracy, they were just as stinging to read as the ones from guys.
I stopped around halfway through them and stared, appalled, as I read aloud, “I knew you were a slut but I didn’t know you gave STDs to girls, too. RIP Katie.” I looked up at her. “These are all disgusting.”
“Amazing how I thought being gay would be this easy, huh?” she joked, rolling her eyes and quickly taking her phone back.
“Why haven’t you deleted them?” I asked her. “And for that matter, why are getting so many? It wasn’t this bad for me.”
“Because who would be mean to you, Katie?” she countered. “You’re this sweet, quiet, blonde girl who wouldn’t hurt a fly. People can pick on you, or they can pick on me. The choice is obvious.”
“They’re just jealous,” I insisted, but she laughed my comment off.
“Yeah, right. Of what? You don’t get it: Look at me. Look at the kind of person I am.”
I stared at her, not sure what exactly she was trying to get at. “I am looking at you.”
“I came up with this whole plan in the first place. I used everyone. And I couldn’t even hold Sam’s attention long enough to be more than someone he just hooked up with every now and then. I can’t even hold my own parents’ attention. And even now, the right thing to do about this whole mess would be to just come clean, but I can’t bring myself to do that because I’m so worried about what people will think. Like there was ever any doubt that tons of people already hate me anyway.”
“Fuck them,” I replied.
“That won’t solve anything,” she joked quietly. I forced a smile when she did, and reached for her hand. Her thumb stroked over my fingers and I let out a slow breath.
“I know those phone numbers feel like a lot of people, but they won’t matter in another year,” I reminded her. “They’re all stupid. They don’t know you like I do, and like all of our friends do.”
She squeezed my hand, and then tilted her head to one side as her eyes met mine. The corners of her mouth quirked upward into a small smile. “That’s what I love about you, Katie. Half the time I think I could kill someone and you’d still be convinced everyone else was wrong about me.” She paused, and then added, “But you know, in psychology, they call that ‘Unconditional Positive Regard’, and I’m pretty sure it’s only meant for therapeutic settings. Otherwise it’s just unhealthy.”
“Then I’ll gladly be unhealthy,” I declared, and felt my heart skip a beat when her smile widened and she leaned in toward me.
Her chin found my shoulder and her arms slid around me, and I hugged her back as she pulled me so close I could feel her heart beating against mine. I felt my own pulse speed up, and then got nervous that she could feel it, too, which only made my heart beat faster.
I wanted to pull away from her, but I also wanted to sit there, pressed close to her, until the upcoming days had passed and the Winter Formal was over. I was tired of stress and drama and lies, and this here, me and her, was simple. We were two best friends connected at the chest, and I could smell her familiar lavender shampoo and feel her hand tightening on my back as her fingers pulled the fabric of my shirt into a clump in her palm.
And then her arms tightened against me and I felt her breathe tickle my ear on an exhale, and I squeezed my eyes shut tightly and tried to ignore my pounding heart.
And in that moment, I finally accepted that I was that loser friend who’d end up heartbroken and alone, and that Sarah and I were not simple at all. Maybe we’d never been. Maybe I’d loved her back when that photo of me staring at her had been taken back in sophomore year. Maybe I’d loved her back when we’d gone to Six Flags together as kids. Or maybe I hadn’t.
But I certainly loved her now.
Chapter Thirteen
My bathroom mirror had a small, translucent spot on it near the bottom-left corner, and I stared at it with furrowed eyebrows for a moment, before leaning forward to rub at it until it was gone.
I leaned back and stood up straight, meeting my own gaze in the mirror. My hair was tied back in a messy bun, and I stared at the dark circles under my eyes as I reached up to tuck a strand of stray hair behind my ear. I took a deep breath and then let it out.
And then I mumbled, my voice barely a whisper, “I’m gay.”
It didn’t sound very convincing. I was much too nervous, and lacked any sign of confidence.
I cleared my throat and tried again, my voice louder and stronger this time. “I’m gay, and I’m in love with my best friend.”
I bit my lip as the words hung in the air, and then let out a deep sigh and moved to turn the bathroom light off. “I’m so screwed.”
I stared at the ceiling after I’d laid down on my bed, and the clock on my nightstand ticked closer to midnight. The revelation that I was officially In Love didn’t make me feel the way I’d always imagined it would. Being in love was running slow motion through a field of flowers, or floating on a cloud, or hearing swelling romantic music every time Sarah kissed me. It wasn’t supposed to involve an unpleasant sinking feeling in my chest. I felt lost and confused and totally alone, and I had a limited amount of people to turn to for help.
Sarah was out of the question for obvious reasons. Jake still didn’t know the truth about Sarah and me, and neither did any of my other friends. My parents were a possibility, but I wouldn’t be able to explain my exact circumstances to them, either. Owen was probably my best choice, but I’d need a ride to get to him, and my options there all had their pitfalls. I needed someone who was easy-access. Someone from school, and someone who knew the truth.
Oh, God.
Jessa was unamused when I walked into Room 405 and closed the door behind myself the next afternoon. I’d found her in the hallway earlier today and asked her to meet me here, and given the look she’d shot me in response, it was now a pleasant surprise that she’d actually shown up. As pleasant a surprise as Jessa’s presence could be, anyway.
“Is this about you being paranoid I’m gonna start telling people the truth?” she asked me. “Because you can relax, provided the rally on Friday goes well.”
“That’s not it,” I said. “I, uh… look, I think I’m in love with Sarah,” I blurted out. She blinked at me. “I know I’m in love with Sarah,” I corrected abruptly, feeling embarrassed. “I didn’t know who else to ask for advice.”
“Is this a trick?” she questioned, eyebrows furrowed. “Because if you really think-”
“Not a trick,” I told her. “You, uh… when you said I sounded defensive the other day? You were right. I just... couldn’t face it, I guess. Deep down I knew being gay probably meant loving her, and I didn’t want to love her, but now and I do and she’s straight and I’ve got this awful sinking feeling in my chest that won’t go away no matter what I do and I don’t know what I’m supposed to-”
“Whoa, Katie,” she cut me off, looking appalled. “Shut up.”
I fell silent and swallowed hard. Jessa let out a sigh.
“Look. I don’t really care about you and Sarah’s drama. I don’t even like you guys,” she said. My eyes found my feet, and there was a long silence. Jessa sighed again, so
unding vaguely annoyed. “God, okay, you’re pathetic. Just… tell me what you want from me.”
“I couldn’t talk to anyone else,” I mumbled, avoiding her eyes. “You’re the only one who knows the full story, and you know what it’s like to like girls. I thought maybe you knew how I could get over her.”
She raised an eyebrow at me. “So let me get this straight: You faked being a couple, you faked being attracted to each other, and you faked being gay. Now you’re telling me you’re actually gay and actually attracted to her, but she’s straight and into Sam Heath and you’re left sad and alone and you want a rebound?” She folded her arms across her chest. “I’m not gonna be your experiment, if that’s what you’re asking. I only said what I said and kissed you at that party to piss Sarah off.”
I felt my cheeks heat up. “That’s not-”
“Although, come to think of it,” she interrupted, looking a little amused, “it worked, didn’t it? She was all over you. I am kind of curious about what happened after she dragged you away.” My cheeks went redder, and she seemed a little surprised. “Really?”
“We were a little tipsy,” I murmured.
“I never thought I’d say this…” Jessa admitted, and paused to shake her head before finishing, “…but what makes you so sure she’s totally straight?”
I opened my mouth to answer, and then paused abruptly, stumped. “I mean… she’s just always… she-” I paused again. “Huh.”
“Pretend for a second that I actually give a shit about you and Sarah and that we’re being optimistic. What else has happened?”
I blinked a few times, wracking my brain. “Um, she canceled her first date with Sam to come pick me up when she thought I was on a date with a guy. She was pretty pissed afterward.” Jessa motioned for me to keep going. “I don’t know. Um. She likes lesbian fiction? I don’t know if that’s a sign; I’m sure plenty of straight girls are into it too.” I paused again. “Oh, she left Sam to come pick me up. Again. She chooses me over Sam more than I realized, actually.”
I furrowed my eyebrows, hardly daring to believe there was a possibility that I wasn’t just harboring a one-sided crush. Of course she cared about me. We’d been best friends for a decade. And sure, she’d had a crush on Sam for a while, but she was still a good person, and a good person would choose a lifelong friend over a boy she was casually hooking up with. And she’d been so keen on getting my opinion on what she was doing with Sam because friends were like that. They sought advice from each other.
“Just throwing this out there,” Jessa spoke up, looking amused, “but how hilarious would it be if she’s been spending this whole time screwing him because she assumed you weren’t into her? Like… you fake this thing, right? And then you kiss and you both enjoy it, things are tense, she gets some kind of vibe that you’re probably not interested, and throws herself at Sam to help put this new thing with you out of her mind?” She let out a breath, marveling at herself. “Shit, I hate you guys. This’d never happen to me.”
“Or me,” I corrected her. “That’s not how it went, okay? I’m the freak who caught feelings. She’s been all about Sam since freshman year. She puts me over him because she’s a good friend.”
“Yet your ‘good friend’ asked you to spend your senior year faking lesbianism with her.”
“That doesn’t make her a bad friend. She just makes bad decision sometimes,” I argued. “She’s going to make up for it. She wants to.”
“Whatever. Look, you asked for my opinion. I don’t like you or Sarah-”
“Yeah, I got that.”
“-but I don’t think it’d be a longshot to tell her how you feel. Is she still hooking up with Sam now that he’s running for the Winter Formal thing with Christine?”
I shook my head. “I don’t think so.”
“So then your chances just went up. I mean, I’m all in favor of you two becoming a real couple. For one, it’s better for LAMBDA, and secondly, it removes two awful people from the dating pool by sticking them with each other. Win-win.”
“Thanks, Jessa,” I sighed out.
She shrugged her shoulders and moved to leave the room. “Look, you wanted my opinion. You have it now, so leave me alone. Bye.”
The door slammed shut behind her, and I rested my face in my hands, groaning loudly.
I couldn’t spend time with Sarah in the days that followed without feeling uncomfortable. Despite getting along with her better than I had in the past few weeks, realizing my feelings for her had made things awkward for me, to say the least. I felt guilty constantly.
When she held my hand and gave it an innocent squeeze, I felt remorse for the tingles in my hand and the butterflies in my stomach. When she hugged me, I took care to not squeeze too tight for fear she’d somehow realize how I really felt. And forget kissing. That went out the window the day after our talk in her bedroom. Sarah got the point after the first time I turned my head in the hallway so that her lips would meet my cheek, and she’d been a little off ever since, which only made me more paranoid that she’d realized why I was avoiding being affectionate with her.
I started sweating bullets the morning of the rally when Sarah asked me, “Hey, so what’s been up with you lately?” We were in her car on our way to school. Jake and the others were already waiting for us; the rally was to be staged in front of the school in the minutes leading up to the morning bell.
“What do you mean?” I asked, feigning ignorance. I didn’t dare look at her; my eyes stayed glued to the passenger’s side window.
“I don’t know. I guess… you’ve been kinda distant since the other day in my bedroom. Did I do something wrong?”
I struggled for words even as we pulled into the school parking lot. “…No. No, you didn’t. I guess I’m just having a weird week. All of this Winter Formal drama…”
Sarah parked her car and shifted toward me. When she spoke, her words were rushed and she looked nervous. “If you don’t want to kiss anymore, we don’t have to, but I think we might need to for the rally. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable.”
My stomach lurched, and I think it showed on my face, because Sarah bit her lip and sighed.
“God, that’s it, isn’t it? You’re over this.”
“It’s exhausting,” I admitted, “but I don’t think I’m allowed to be over it. I just… wish it didn’t feel so heavy. It feels like the fate of every gay teen in the world is on our shoulders just because of some stupid Winter Formal thing. I didn’t expect to feel so much pressure.”
“This is how we give back,” she said, reaching out to touch my shoulder. I flinched and she moved away. “C’mon, Katie. Talk to me. What’s bugging you? So you wish we didn’t have to do this anymore, okay. But that doesn’t explain why you practically jump every time I touch you.”
I shook my head. The words were on the tip of my tongue, but I knew I wouldn’t be able to get them out. It’d ruin us if she didn’t feel the same way.
“Let’s just get the rally done,” I said instead, dodging her question. “You give your speech, we kiss, they cheer, and everyone’s happy. Problem solved.”
“Not for me,” she protested, but I’d already moved to get out of her car. I fast-walked to where Jake stood at the front of the school, fliers in his hands and a podium at his side.
“You guys really went all-out,” I observed. There was even a microphone on the podium.
“I’ve got a friend that does tech for the Drama Club,” Jake informed me. “He hooked us up. Is Sarah’s speech ready?”
“You’ll have to ask her,” I mumbled, glancing Sarah’s way. She was stalking toward us and she didn’t look happy.
“One second, Jake,” was all she said, and then she was pulling me aside and lowering her voice even as I pointedly looked away from her. “Look, I get the hint, okay? I get it. Look at me.”
I blinked twice, not understanding her, and then forced my gaze to hers at last. To my surprise, she looked near tears.
“I
’ll do the speech. We have to give the crowd a show. Maybe we’ll do it again if we win the crowns. And then it’s over. We do the breakup plan and then we move past this. We can forget it ever happened. Okay?”
I stared at her. My heart was pounding in my chest now. She ‘got it’. She knew. She knew how I felt and she wanted out now. She wanted to forget this ever happened.
I swallowed hard and nodded, my heart plummeting into my stomach. To know that Sarah still wanted to be friends after all of this was only mildly relieving when I also knew that she didn’t have the same feelings for me that I had for her. I felt sick, and for a moment, I was glad I’d left the whole speech to Sarah.
Jake, Violet, Hattie, and the other LAMBDA members with fliers had managed to attract a crowd of students in front of the school, and now Jake came to Sarah, microphone in his hand.
“I think we’ve got a big enough group. More people will show up to see what’s going on, but I think now’s a good time to start. Are you ready?”
Sarah swallowed a lump in her throat. She looked as sick as I felt, which was strange, as I’d never known her to have stage fright. She was probably reacting to the realization that I loved her.
That thought had me nearly making a run for it, but Jake wrapped an arm around me right then and guided me to Sarah. I stood next to her, forcing a smile as she retrieved a stack of note cards from her pocket. “Good morning, guys,” she greeted. Like me, she put on a happy face for the crowd. “Any of you that’ve gotten fliers can probably guess what this is about. Katie and I are in the running for the Winter Formal crowns this year, and we need your votes to make a difference.”
She was reading off of her note cards now, and I watched her scan her own writing before glancing to the crowd again. “Having a lesbian couple win these crowns will show not only how far we’ve come as a society, but will also show the world that gay couples are just like any other couple. We love the same way, we have the same feelings-”