After our intense shower, Eli told me he wanted to show me something. I wasn’t in the mood to leave our safe haven, but he wasn’t budging, insisting that we were leaving the house before we had to meet with the assisted living director.
“Tell me about your parents.” He doesn’t talk much about his family. I know his mother lives in Tampa, but he hasn’t mentioned her.
He sighs. “Not much to say. My father was a drunk, smacked my mom and Randy around. I don’t remember if he hit me, but Randy says he took the hits so I didn’t have to. From what I’m told, he lost his job and then left.”
“Wow, is that why you and Randy are so close?”
“Yeah, my brother was more of a father than anything. Even though he’s only a few years older, he took me under his wing. When we found out our dad was dead, that was when Randy really made it his job to take care of me.”
It mirrors the relationship between me and Steph. When my parents died, I became the parent figure. It was different because we lost both Mom and Dad, but still, I can imagine what Randy experienced.
I rest my head on his arm as we continue through Lettuce Lake Park. The trees provide shade, allowing us to walk comfortably. It’s Florida, so it’s always hot and humid, but today is bearable. “What about your mom?”
“She’s here in Tampa, but she spends half the year in New York visiting her sister. They do the whole snowbird thing. I don’t get it, but they’ve been doing it for years.” Eli stops in front of the opening by a small pond and grabs my hips. “I want you to meet them.”
I give a small smile. “I’d like that.”
“My brother is up my ass about bringing you to his house. I’d love for you to meet my niece and nephew.”
A sharp pain slices through my chest. Eli having a family shouldn’t hurt me. I know it’s a little irrational for me to be jealous, and a part of me is angry with myself for thinking that way. In my heart, I know all of this, but it’s there.
He rocks my hips back and forth when I don’t say anything. “Yes, of course. I’m sorry I spaced out there.” I try to laugh it off. “Maybe next week?”
“There’s no rush, babe.”
“Okay, I do want to meet them, though. Your niece sounds great.”
I love that while the media portrays Eli as big and bad, he’s a man with a beautiful heart. The fact that he’s so smitten with his niece is proof. I can only imagine how much she rules his world.
Eli tosses his arm over my shoulder, tucking me into the crook of his arm, and we continue walking. I’ve been around tall and strong men my entire career and never felt secure. I’ve always been able to hold my own and am proud of that. With Eli, I can almost relax. I’m not looking for the next bad guy, I’m just happy to be in the moment with him.
“It’s so peaceful here,” he muses.
“I’m glad you brought me here. Stephanie would’ve loved it.”
He smiles down at me, kisses my forehead, and rubs my arm. “That’s the first time you’ve talked about her since the hospital.”
“It hurts to think of her,” I admit.
“Maybe talking will help.”
I don’t know that anything will help, but I know I don’t ever want to forget her. If that’s how I can keep her memory alive, I’ll endure the pain. My sister loved when we’d talk about the funny things my parents did. She would tell me that by whispering their names in the wind, it brought their spirit to life.
I lean into Eli, needing his support. “Stephanie wanted to be a professional gymnast when we were kids. One time, she was practicing doing flips on the bed in my room.” I smile as I remember how disastrous it was. “She missed the bed and her tailbone hit the wall, leaving a big ass imprint.”
He laughs, and I giggle.
“My mom was so mad because we tried to cover it with pillows.”
“Pillows?”
“Yeah, like we could hide the giant butt in the wall and she’d never know.”
Eli shakes his head and grins. It was one of the stories Stephanie loved to tell. I ended up getting grounded because she lied and said it was me. Since it was my room and my bed, my mother never believed me when I told her Steph did it.
She was always doing those kinds of things, taking my clothes, mixtapes, and any toy I loved. What I wouldn’t give to be able to have that all back, I’d give her anything she wanted.
“You ready to head back?” he asks. “We need to meet the director.”
This is going to be impossible. Collecting her things and getting rid of anything we don’t want . . . I don’t know how I’m going to do it.
“I guess—” I start to say but a woman shrieking stops me.
“Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God!” A jogger who is no longer running starts to yell. She stares at Eli with her jaw hanging open. “You’re! You’re Eli Walsh! Like, I love you. I’m your biggest fan!”
“Well, thank you.” He flashes a smile and drops his arm.
This is the first time we’ve had this happen. I watch as the woman starts to prattle on about how amazing he is and how hot he is in person. A knot in my stomach starts to coil. I know he’s hot, and I get that he’s famous, but when we’re together, it’s so easy to forget.
“You have no idea, I’ve loved you forever. I know you’re from here, and I kept waiting to meet you! And now you’re here!” She screeches, and I barely contain my flinch.
Eli reaches his hand back, twisting his fingers in mine. “It was great to meet you, but I need to be going,” he smoothly explains.
“Can you take our picture?” she asks me.
The last thing I want to do is be a photographer, but I have to remember this is part of who he is. To me, he’s Ellington, the guy who watched awful comedy movies with me the last two days. He carefully picked each one to ensure nothing would trigger me breaking down again. He made sure I ate, slept, and functioned. He’s the man who held me together when I was breaking apart. I don’t share that man with these women, but Eli is a superstar. He doesn’t belong to just me.
“Oh, sure.” I grab her phone, and he shoots me an apologetic look.
The woman gushes some more, touches his arm, and doesn’t even glance at me again. I take the photo and watch her hug him once more. She runs off, glancing back at him a few more times. What is wrong with these people? I know that I did that with Eli, but I was drunk and at a concert where I never thought he’d actually hear me. If I had been sober and in a normal setting, I would have waved or smiled, but telling him I loved him? No. That’s ridiculous.
I love him. She doesn’t even know him.
He walks toward me, and I can’t get a grip on the emotions I’m feeling. “Hey,” he says tucking his thumb under my chin. “I’m sorry.”
“You have nothing to be sorry for.” This is what his life is filled with, he shouldn’t have to apologize for that.
“I brought you here because I wanted us to get some air, I forget that this can happen.”
“How do you forget that?”
Regret flickers across his face. He reaches behind his neck, gripping it as he looks back at me. “When we’re together, it’s like I’m not that guy. You make me forget all of the shit that comes with singing and acting. I feel . . . normal.”
“I was caught off guard, that’s all. I’m pretty sure if this happened a week ago I wouldn’t be acting crazy.”
“You are not acting crazy, baby. Not even a little.”
I don’t trust whatever I’m thinking right now. It’s a hint of jealousy mixed with a lot of grief. Not exactly the cocktail for sound decision making. I’m definitely filing this instance in my memory bank to recall later. I need to reconcile loving someone who I have to share. I’m not sure I know how to do that.
Chapter Twenty-One
Heather
Today was the memorial.
It was the final formal event of my sister’s life. Kristin and Nicole took care of the flowers and handled all the arrangements. Stephanie knew exactly wh
at she wanted and laid it all out years ago. She had prepaid for the funeral home, memorial location, and casket, claiming that she knew I’d pick some ugly wood design and be too distraught to care. I thought she was being silly, but it turns out she was right.
I’m a mess and far worse than I thought I would be.
I figured because we knew it was coming, I would’ve been at peace. There’s nothing peaceful about this.
When we got to Breezy Beaches the other day, I couldn’t do it. As soon as Eli parked the car, I lost it. He went in, handled everything, and took me back to his house. He forced me to try to relax, so we had lain by the pool, and I read a book.
Well, I pretended to read because I don’t think I absorbed a word.
Now, I’m back at my house, sitting on my bed, wondering what to do next.
“Knock, knock.” Kristin pokes her head in. “You okay?”
After Stephanie’s burial was over, I made a resolution to find a way to move on. My life has been my sister for almost twenty years. I went from being her guardian to being her caretaker. I don’t remember a time when she wasn’t my focus, and that hole is what I fear most.
What do I do when I don’t have to worry twenty-four hours a day? How do I make choices that aren’t regarding her needs? Where do I go after work or on Saturdays? My life has been her. Every choice has been made around her needs. I understand why Stephanie begged me to open my heart. She knew that I was going to be lost once she was gone.
“I’m doing a little better each day.”
Kristin smiles. “I don’t think we ever are any better, but we learn to accept it and find a new normal.”
“That’s what I’m hoping to do. I probably should decide what to do about going back to work.”
“You have a lot of vacation days saved, maybe you should take some time for yourself. Go on a trip, do something fun for a change.”
I can’t remember the last time I went away. Maybe my honeymoon, but even then, we went to the Keys because Stephanie wasn’t mature enough to be trusted. Nicole was going to watch her, which meant they threw a party in my house.
“Maybe. I don’t know when Eli needs to be in New York. He was actually supposed to be there a week ago, but he didn’t want to leave me.”
Kristin grins and takes my hand. “I really love you two together.”
“I told him I loved him,” I admit aloud for the first time.
“That’s big for you.”
“I know.” I sigh. “It took me a year before I said it to Matt. And I wasn’t even really sure I loved him, but he said it, so I said it back. With Eli, I couldn’t hold it in any longer. I had to say the words or I’d explode. But I haven’t said it again and neither has he, maybe he didn’t actually mean it . . .”
Kristin giggles. “You’re such a freaking nutjob. You honestly think he doesn’t love you? Think about it, the guy blew off his job, has practically moved you into his house, has taken care of you, and took care of all the expenses for today—”
“What?” I jump up. “They were prepaid, he couldn’t have.”
“I’m pretty sure that man can do anything he wants. He said he had all the money refunded a few days ago.”
How could he do that? We took the money from the life insurance account that my parents left us. Stephanie didn’t want us to use all the money on her care and leave me trying to scrape together funds.
I grab my phone and pull up my banking app. “Oh my God.” My hands fly to my mouth. “It’s all there.”
My account is now ten thousand dollars heavier. He really did do it.
“A man doesn’t do that for a woman he doesn’t love. I see the way he looks at you.” Kristin takes my hand. “Scott used to look at me that way. It isn’t about what he says, Heather, it’s about how he acts.”
She’s right. Since the very beginning, he’s shown me how he feels. He doesn’t have to say the words, because they’ve been in every one of his actions.
I’m such a fool to have been worried.
“I’m sorry that he doesn’t see how wonderful you are.” One day, I pray Scott will either do a complete one-eighty or she’ll finally see her worth and leave.
“Don’t worry about me.” She taps my leg. “Tell me why you doubt your love at all?”
I tell Kristin about the park and the jogger. How I felt invisible and was worried that once we left our bubble, our love would pop. It was nothing he did. Even when he was performing, he touched my hand as if saying he saw me. I’m naturally a worrier, and Eli has an entire new can of worms that I can’t contain.
“Well, my best advice is to talk to him. If anyone can navigate a public life, it’s him.”
Once again, Kristin proves I’m a fool. “Why am I so dense?”
“Because you’re emotional right now, babe. Stephanie might have been a sister to us, but she was almost a daughter to you. We expect to lose our parents and people older, but never anyone younger.”
She pulls me into her arms, and I’m reminded why I’m blessed beyond words. My sophomore year of high school, I met Kristin in study hall. She had broken her foot and she sat at my table because it was closest to the door. To anyone outside, we were the most unlikely friends. She was on the honor society, I was barely passing. I played sports, she was not athletically inclined. Yet, we clicked. Our friendship was instant and completely unbreakable. She introduced me to Danielle, and I brought in Nicole, from there, our group was indestructible. I couldn’t ask for better people than them.
“I love you, Kriss.”
“I love you. So, I came in here because I have to give you something.” Kristin fidgets. “About six months ago, Stephanie reached out to a few of us. She explained that she could feel changes happening in her, and that she was sure she wasn’t going to last another year.”
My heart begins to race, and my chest aches. “Why didn’t you tell me?”
“She begged us not to. Nicole, Danni, and I listened to her, and she explained that she wanted us to help her. So, the three of us have letters—” Kristin’s voice cracks as a tear falls. I want to jump her and find the letter from my sister, but I restrain myself. She clears her throat and continues, “We have letters for you. Brody has one, too, I believe. I’m supposed to be the strong one, so I got today. Clearly, they all misjudged me.” She wipes her face before letting out a nervous laugh and pulling an envelope from her purse. “She asked that you read it after her service.”
“Have you read it?” My voice trembles as I take it from her.
“No, it’s for you, honey. Do you want me to stay?”
Kristin is one of my best friends, she knows me inside and out, but it’s not my girls that I want right now. It’s really astounding how when I gave my heart completely over to Eli, he became so essential to me, and I want to sit next to him as I read this.
“Would you be angry if I said I wanted Eli . . .”
“Don’t even finish that thought.” Kristin gets to her feet. “I would never be upset. I’ll go get him.” She kisses my cheek and walks out.
I stare at the envelope with my name on the front, and my stomach is filled with knots. I feel Eli’s presence as he enters the room.
“Kristin told me before she came in.” The sound of his voice eases a little of the fear. “You want me in here?”
“I do.”
He sits beside me, and I place my hand on his leg. I feel tethered to Earth around him. I need him to anchor me so I don’t drift into the pain of whatever I’m about to read.
My finger slides under the glue, separating the flap to reveal a single piece of paper folded inside. I let out a deep sigh and pull it open.
* * *
My Sister who became my Mother . . . my Mister,
If you have this letter, I’m dead. Don’t cry. Although, I have a feeling my asking that is like telling the sky to be yellow. You were always so dramatic, even when we were kids. You should stop that. We all knew this was going to happen, and I know you won’t under
stand this, but I’m glad it’s over. I have no idea how long it’ll be after I’ve written this until it’s in your hands, but know that I was ready. I was ready not to be a burden on you anymore. I was ready not to be in pain. Mostly, I was ready to be free.
You never let me be broken after Mom and Dad were taken from us. You were the rock. It couldn’t have been easy to become my parent. Especially when I was going through that goth phase, which I still think I rocked. However, I never worried if you’d be there. The day I got my diagnosis, I lost my life, and so did you. We went from being in this relationship where I hated you for telling me I couldn’t go on a date with Tyler Bradley—who, by the way, was not a bad guy for smoking—to having to worry about painkillers. Our Saturday nights weren’t movies and popcorn; they were tremors and numbness. I hated watching you go from being happy and married to divorced and depressed.
You can try to convince yourself that you didn’t care, but no one is that selfless. And if you truly believe my disease didn’t rob you of anything, then I’ll tell God you should be the next Saint. Although, I’m sure he knows about the time you had sex with Vincent in Mom and Dad’s bed. Yeah, I totally heard you . . . gross.
My point to this letter is that you’re free as well. You don’t have to worry anymore. I know that you’ll think I’m being stupid and I can hear you saying how you don’t want to be free, but I do. I want you to be free. I want you to go out with your friends and have one-night stands, because I can’t. I want you to find someone who isn’t a loser and wants you to be a Stepford wife.
I want you to know this above anything else. You were the best Mister anyone could ever have. You are the only thing I will miss when I’m gone. On a side note, don’t think I don’t plan to haunt you. I’m going to be an awesome ghost. I figure it’ll be like that movie you made me watch where Whoopi teaches the ghost guy how to move objects. So, when the remote goes flying because you’re watching that awful cop show, you know it’s me telling you to find something better to watch.
We Own Tonight Page 19