The guys are the only ones that know just how broken I am.
I can’t honestly say why I treat women with such distain. Okay, so I know I had a shit past and that probably plays a huge role in my treatment of women but it really is no excuse to as why I treat them so badly. They don’t deserve it, not by a long shot and I’m very surprised that I haven’t been in the media more for my scandalous bedroom antics..
The only exception to the rule is Sophie. Sophie has opened me up to a world of possibilities and dare I say it, love? I need to learn to let go of the past and grasp the future with open arms before it is cruelly taken from me mainly due to the demons of my past grasping to destroy the peace I have now.
Sophie truly does make me want to be a better man, something about her makes me stronger and I know it’s a cliché but, god I want things I have never wanted before, with her. Sophie is such a strong woman, she isn’t scared of my fame or the lifestyle that I represent. She accepts it and tackles it head on, happy to take all that comes as a part of me. She is totally awe inspiring and even though she doesn’t seem to have a past like mine I know there will be some secrets lurking around the corner, but I’m happy to accept them and fight them with her. I think I’m turning into a pussy in my old age.
I head back into the tour bus and by pass the other guys and Trev to find Mickey. He isn’t with the others so he is either in the private bedroom or he is in the bathroom.
“Dude leave it till later I don’t think Mickey will want to be disturbed right now. He’s erm busy.” Tanner shouts above the noise in the kitchen to try and deter me from my goal, sorting out the massive elephant in the room, Jasmine.
“Look Tanner it’s now or never, it has to be sorted otherwise the whole thing is just going to go to shit, you know that.” I yell back to Tanner who has now opened up his fourth beer and is busy pulling the ring to open it. That’s all we need is a shit faced Tanner again; I was beginning to enjoy the sober version of him. I knew it was too good to be true. “And do yourself a favour Tanner, put the damn beer away its doing you no favours.”
“Oh, Josh it’s just a few beers its only to be sociable.” Great back to the Tanner in fucking denial again. Right now I don’t have time for this drama, I have to sort the Jasmine drama first before I can move onto the issue that is Tanners increasing drink problem.
I check the bathroom first and find it empty so I assume he must be in the private bedroom, the reason why Tanner told me that he didn’t want to be disturbed. Well Mickey is just going to have to suck it up and get over it.
As I stride over to private bedroom door I catch a glimpse of Sophie entering the bus and she settles down at the kitchen island with Zack and Blaine. That girl over there is the reason that this has become so damn important to me; I can’t stand the look of disappointment on her face. It’s very important to me now to make her proud of me and it matters a lot to know what she thinks of me. I give her my best smile to assure her that things will be okay, but deep down I really can’t be sure how this is going to work out between Mickey and I.
I swiftly open the door and enter the private suite without word or warning. Mickey is going to damn well listen to me whether he wants to or not, this has gone on for long enough.
As I stand by the door I can see the exact reason he wasn’t to be disturbed. He is currently balancing a curvaceous blonde on his dick. In true Mickey fashion he doesn’t stop what he is doing but continues to assist the blonde in her job to give Mickey some relief. He really doesn’t have any shame but I wouldn’t expect him to, this is Mickey we are talking about.
“Right whore get out the bed and get out of this bus, now. Me and Mickey need a quiet word without him having any unnecessary distractions.” I say to the blonde with no name. She looks shocked at my words. What did she think I was in here for? Did she think that I was standing there so I could watch Mickey and her get off? Give me a fucking break!
“Can’t I even finish what we started? I’m so close.” The blonde utters those words with mock annoyance. Is she more stupid than she looks, I’m in no mood to be fucked about. I’m ready to chuck her out myself when Mickey takes the reins.
“Right slut get your things, you’re going.” Mickey quickly lifts the blonde by the ass and deposits her on the floor whilst Mickey swiftly pulls on his boxer briefs. She quickly puts on her non-existent dress and stares both Mickey and I down.
“You two are fucking losers; I’m not a piece of meat to be used.” She walks out of the bedroom and slams the glass door shut behind her. It’s a wonder the glass doesn’t shatter into thousands of pieces.
“So, what was so important Josh that it couldn’t wait until I had finished with my new toy. I think we said all there was to say earlier.” Mickey says stoically.
“Mickey, we have to sort this, it can’t be left this way, we have been friends for a long time.” We may bitch at each other but I don’t want to lose him as a friend.
“Bit late for that aint it Josh. You fucked my baby sister and left her shattered and broken. You took her virginity and didn’t give a damn about it afterwards. It’s taking everything I have not to kill you every time I see you.” Mickeys tone is becoming more aggravated with each word and I can’t blame him for wanting to kill me.
“Mickey I didn’t know she was a virgin, she didn’t tell me and well, I guess I was too wasted to notice. If I had known she was your sister there would have been no way I would of fucked her.” I say sullenly. God I’m making it worse.
“She was my fucking sister you dickhead!” Mickey explodes at me and starts throwing punches to my face repeatedly striking my cheekbone and jaw multiple times. The pain explodes around me and I can feel every ounce of wrath from Mickey. It’s this exact moment that I realise that things will most likely never be the same again. I curse my drunk stupidity of that night.
The blows suddenly stop when Mickey is pulled off of me by Zack. I stare up at the two of them and see that Mickey’s eyes are glazed over by tears, my actions have not only fucked up Jasmine but I have hurt one of my best friends. It hurts my heart that Mickey is shattered by my actions and I feel the biggest pang of regret in my whole entire life.
I’m destined to be a fuck up for the rest of my life. I don’t deserve to have anything good or right in my life.
Chapter 18
Sophie
I drag Josh’s ass back out of the bedroom after Zack and Blaine successfully separate them from yet another fight, this is becoming far too common for my liking. I just don’t understand why they can’t just put the past behind them and move on.
I can totally understand Mickey’s point when he doesn’t want to talk about the whole issue, it was his baby sister after all that Josh used and abused for his own entertainment. Josh has been very stupid and lacked the brains that he was born with on that night, but I think he deserves another chance to make it all right. Everyone deserves a second chance in life.
I grab Josh by the collar of his shirt and drag him into the bathroom so that I can clean him up again; it seems I spend more time being a nurse maid than I do actually being a fashion designer for him. Don’t get me wrong, I would happily spend my time caring and nursing Josh back to health if I had to, but god it pains me to see it be due to the fights between him and Mickey. Just once I would like to see some harmony develop.
“Josh, sit down on the chair and take your shirt off, I need to clean you up again.” I say tight lipped as Josh looks up at me with his boyish smile but for once I’m not in the mood for it.
“Baby, if you wanted me naked you only had to ask, you know that.” That one statement has me boiling.
“For once Josh, I want you to take some ounce of responsibility for what you have done, you have to take this seriously. You have fucked up another person’s life because of your loose morals. Surely to hell you can’t be surprised at Mickey’s reaction to you?” I don’t want to shout at him but I can’t seem to reach him any other way.
“For fuc
ks sake Sophie, I am taking this seriously. I can’t get that whole night out of my fucking head! That look on her face as I told her to get out after I had finished fucking her, after she was useful to me. She was completely hurt and shattered and do you know what, I didn’t give a damn about her or what she was feeling right then. This is what I do best; I destroy the people around me one by one. Eventually they all see me for what I am and one by one they leave me, it’s what I deserve!” Josh shouts through wet eyes and not only is he feeling anger and regret he is finally feeling the emotion of empathy, he is finally seeing it all through Jasmine’s eyes. He doesn’t like the person he has become and I know he wants to change it but I don’t think he knows how. I want to help him face his demons but will he allow me?
Josh’s head collapses on my shoulder and I cradle his head with my hand and just let him cry it out. Josh has some major demons that he needs to overcome before he can allow himself to be happy but whether he’s ready for that kind of realisation yet I have no idea. All I can do at this moment is support him the best I can.
“Come on Josh I have to clean up your face it’s a mess, again.” I stroke his face soothingly to try and ease his suffering although I know it’s a losing battle. The only one that can soothe his suffering is himself.
I fill the sink with warm water and take the wash cloth to remove all the dried in blood that has been left on Josh’s beautiful face. He closes his eyes and lies back to let me work away at his chiselled features. I love Josh’s face just as much as his body but it’s his soul and his heart that has captured my heart. He is such a great person but he struggles to let that side out of him, probably due to his past which is a real shame.
Josh grabs the wash cloth from my hand and throws it back towards the sink. He doesn’t look very happy and I wonder what has made him flip this time. How I wish I could see into that head of his to see what he is thinking.
“I need to head out for a while, I need to think. This is doing me no good being stuck in this fucking bus day and night. It feels like a fucking prison, I need to breathe!” Josh once again shouts the words at me and I balk at his reaction. I have to give him space otherwise he will distance himself further something I don’t want.
“Okay Josh be careful though.” I mutter but not loud enough for Josh to hear because he is already out the bathroom door and no doubt off the bus. I hope he comes back to me, I want to help him, his desolation scares me.
I walk out of the bathroom to be met by Mickey. He doesn’t have his usual cocky expression plastered on his face but one of worry and concern which is something I don’t see often on Mickey. My heart does go out to him but there is also something I don’t trust about him too.
“You okay Sophie? I know your worried about Josh but he can take care of himself, he has proven that time and time again. He doesn’t give a fuck about anyone but himself. I bet you anything he’s out there right now drinking himself into a stupor and chatting up the nearest girl to him. He always reverts to form eventually.” Mickey says very seriously. There is no kidding or joking around now and that’s what worries me the most. Josh isn’t in the best frame of mind at the moment and I do believe anything is possible.
“We don’t know that Mickey, for all we know he has changed for the better. Who is to say that he would do that again, we aren’t exclusive or anything but I feel like we have both developed a connection that is unbreakable. Can you not just bury the hatchet and move on from this whole horrible business?” I’m pleading with Mickey’s better side to give it a go; surely he doesn’t want the band to suffer for Josh and Mickey’s issues. They are successful at last and they need to find some way to get past it all in order to continue to be successful.
“Sophie, you haven’t known Josh for long I know what he’s like. Josh loves the chase of these girls as much as I do. We crave the feeling it gives us knowing we have the power to decide what lucky girl is going to get that fifteen minutes of fame, simply by just sleeping with us. You wouldn’t want to know how many girls he has fucked, it’s a huge number. He’s felt things for girls before and what does he do, he spoils it all and sleeps around again, breaking the girl’s heart into pieces. I like you Sophie so I’m warning you; he will do it to you too.”
The last of Mickeys words echo in my mind and I begin to wonder whether he could be right. I don’t know Josh deep down, I only know the parts that Josh wants to share with me. Has it been an act to get me into bed? No, I don’t think it was. He treated me with the utmost respect and didn’t make me feel like I was just a pawn in a game; he made me feel like someone that was special and I love him for it.
“Mickey are you trying to destroy the little that Josh and I have together out of hate and spite of what he did to your sister? Please don’t kill the one thing that is keeping him going through all this. Don’t do this to me. I actually feel that what we have could become something special if given the chance to develop and flourish. Surely he deserves some happiness?”
“He may deserve to be happy but he never will. His past is full of secrets and it’s that, that is stopping him from moving on, it’s the exact reason he is a dickhead and will revert to form. I’m sorry to say it Sophie but you are nothing more than a convenient fuck while he is on tour. As soon as he is back home that will be it, it will be Sophie Who?” Mickey squeezes my shoulder and walks away from me and I’m left to ponder whether I could have been so utterly wrong about Josh. My gut is never usually wrong but something deep inside of me is telling me to question everything about Josh.
Where the fuck has he gone and why wouldn’t he let me come with him? Now that everything is coming to light will he ditch me and just go back to how he used to be before I ever met him? I’m not an insecure person but he is out there alone likely getting trashed in a club and he will be surrounded by many a beautiful woman due to his status.
Will it take much for him to be tempted by what they are offering him or will he stay strong and honest to this thing that we have? Okay, so we haven’t actually declared a relationship between us but that is where it is headed for sure. We love being in each other’s company and the sex is amazing between us. I have never had sex like the sex that Josh and I experience, it is mind blowing and I really don’t think I could get enough of him. I have to stop thinking like it’s going to end at any minute, I’m only torturing myself.
Come back to me babe, come back.
Josh
I enter the nearest bar to the tour bus and settle myself down in a secluded booth at the back of the club where no one should be able to recognise me unless they were specifically looking for me. I like this place; it has charm and character, a rare find when you are in New York. Everything is usually fake and tarted up to the max so I’m glad there was a rustic and old fashioned bar in amongst the New York glamour. New York can be a bitch of a place to be, if you don’t look the right way then you can forget it, you will be cast aside without so much as a second glimpse. I prefer being on the road it’s much more real; you don’t have to pretend to be anyone you’re not just there to be noticed.
The bar is currently playing one of our earlier tracks, dying. Well I guess the news has spread about our tour and our arrival in New York. It’s nice to hear one of our earlier songs being blasted through the speakers as our new material seems to get played to the point of overkill.
The bar, although rustic still has the normal clientele, bleached blonde bimbos out to bag themselves either a majorly successful actor or a hot rock star. The girls are so vain out here compared to back home and usually it wouldn’t bother me but I crave the simplicity of Sophie’s actions. There is no mind games with her, what you see is what you get. These girls are so fake both in their attitude but also physically, not one girl have I been with has been natural, they are totally plastic. It’s pathetic.
Oh how I can change in the span of a few weeks, huh?
I down my fifth Jagermeister, okay so it could have been my tenth; I totally lost count after number thre
e. It seems every time life starts getting tough I turn my attention to the bottom of the bottle. I try to work my way through my problems but sometimes it overcomes me and I have to drink the pain away.
Why I’m drinking this time really has me confused, wasn’t it me being slaughtered what got me into this situation in the first place? I was so drunk that night that I slept with a damn minor and Mickey’s sister no less. I really can’t comprehend my stupidity and my lack of human kindness at times.
I push that thought back and try to focus on lining up each of the shot glasses ready for the waitress to collect. The drink has very obviously made a direct hit on my head by now and I can feel the room spinning slightly, maybe I’ve had enough?
Hell no. I am still able to think about my actions so I still haven’t had enough. I wonder how many it will take.
I’m interrupted from my destructive thoughts by a bleach blonde who obviously thinks it’s attractive to wear a dress that only barely covers her non-existent tits and ass. That’s one thing I love about Sophie, her body. She hasn’t got the biggest boobs in history but she knows how to dress to showcase them to their very best. Unlike these women who think less is more. Is it any wonder men fuck them and then leave them. They have no dignity so why should we treat them with any?
The woman who I suppose I would have found attractive in another time hands me another drink. “Jagermeister, right?” What did she just say?
“What?” Is it me or is this woman talking utter garbage, I can’t make out anything she is saying. Maybe my mind is just somewhere else.
“You are drinking Jagermeister aren’t you? I brought one for you. I thought I recognised you when I was ordering drinks. Its Josh right? From Buried Alive.”
Well isn’t that just fantastic, I pick the most secluded booth in the entire club and I get recognised straight away by a freaking groupie. Every damn time! What I wouldn’t give just to live a normal life sometimes.
Rock Me Slowly Page 17