Blaine and Zack rush into the bedroom and pull Mickey off of Josh, the noise of the crumbling closet breaking having woken them.
“Come on you two enough is enough. This has gone too far get your asses out of here.” Blaine shouts above my incessant tears. Mickey is dragged out by Blaine and Zack supports Josh on his shoulder to help him out.
As Josh limps out of the room he gives me a look that can only be described as pure contempt and it hurts me more than I could ever say. I still don’t understand why he said I was in bed with Mickey, it just doesn’t make any sense.
The realisation hits me like a brick square in the face. I love Josh and the pain of him cheating on me is dragging me under and there is the very firm possibility of me drowning under the pressure of loving him so damn much. However, the reality of it is was that he was just using me. The pain is ripping me apart.
Chapter 21
Josh
Once again I’m back in this damn bathroom and the memories flooding me are ripping me apart shred by shred. Just the thought of having Sophie under me, on me and dominating me is driving me crazy. How can one woman affect me so utterly? How can one woman own me like no other and how can I be hurt so damn much by one woman, one amazing woman. I’ve done it this time, I really have. I called her a whore and the look of disgust in her face sizzled my insides into a liquid mess. I felt like the world’s biggest dick.
At the end of the day though she slept with Mickey and that is something that is going to eat at me for a long time. Mickey must have loved that, bedding my woman. He has been looking for an opportunity to destroy me for a year now and well, he has done it good and proper now. I’m devastated not only by Mickeys relentless chasing of Sophie but more the fact that Sophie gave into him after hearing his version of events.
Complete bullshit!
Mickey is a compulsive liar that is one fact I’m sure of now. I will never again believe anything that comes out of his sleazy mouth. That liar told Sophie I fucked that girl in the bathroom and I did no such thing. I wasn’t even tempted by her mainly due to the fact that I wanted nothing more than to be with Sophie when I woke up in the morning until I went to sleep at night.
I can’t shake the anger. I want to bust something or someone up so bad but if I do I know I would be going down for murder. I stare into the mirror and take in my bruised and battered face. What kind of person have I become? Has this rock star life ruined any semblance of a half decent man I could have become? Fame destroys most relationships before they get off the ground. I have seen it happen too many times to count and it looks like Sophie and I are its latest victims.
God what a fucking mess this whole thing is!
The anger becomes too much and I punch the huge oval mirror in front of me. The glass shatters into what seems like a million tiny pieces and I feel slightly better now that I can’t see my pathetic face anymore.
My head hurts but not from the alcohol I consumed last night, no, it hurts from the sheer volume of questions flying around it. The biggest one is why Sophie couldn’t talk to me about what Mickey told her. But no she jumps into bed with Mickey at the first opportunity. I never understood why people said their heart was broken until now. My heart and my chest ache so much from losing Sophie.
Sophie was my friend, my lover, my equal and most importantly she was my number one girl. I would have given her the world if I could have.
I tape up my now throbbing hand and I cast my mind back to Jasmine. I was a complete asshole to that poor girl. Since the truth had come out about her a few days ago I have been racking my brains wondering how I could make it better for her and Mickey. Well to hell with Mickey I’m not interested in doing anything to help him feel better. I wonder how I could get in touch with Jasmine; I need to explain things to her. I don’t want her to feel sorry for me but I want her to understand what kind of person I was a year ago. I’m no longer that jerk and I want her to know that.
Even though Sophie has betrayed me in the worst possible way I feel something for her even though I desperately want to hate her like I do Mickey. The emotion I’m feeling for Sophie is a confusing one but I think it is likely very close to that of love. Damn that girl for getting under my skin, for tearing down the walls that I worked so hard on putting up. Life was so much easier when I didn’t have Sophie on my mind 24/7. Now I can’t think of anything without Sophie’s beautiful face popping into my head. I want to hate her but I can’t and I’m not going to let her go without a damn good fight.
I’m going to focus on something else right now. I need to sort things out with Jasmine before I can move on, not only to let Sophie know how serious I am about getting her back but I need to do it to give my soul peace. I’m haunted by my actions of that night.
I walk out of the bathroom and look around the bus looking for any sign of the others. It seems all is quiet, I head into the kitchen and open up the huge stainless steel refrigerator and pour myself a glass of orange juice. I tank down the orange juice and glance over at the kitchen island and see Mickey’s iPhone lying face down.
I take a sideways glance to double check there is no one around. It seems everyone has gone back to bed so I pick up his cell and access his contacts. I skim through them until I get to Jasmine. I pull up her number and copy her number into my own cell.
This is a dodgy move that could backfire on me but I have to at least try to sort things out between us. God, I hardly recognise this new Josh. Okay, so I still get wasted when things get tough but never in a million years would I have cared about a little girl’s feelings after a sexual encounter. I could almost get to like this guy I’m turning into.
I head into the entertainment room to make a necessary phone call. It could go one of two ways, either she listens to me or she turns me down flat. I’m going for the latter.
I dial the number and it starts ringing, well that’s a good sign. Its only gone 5.30am and I had pictured her phone being switched off. My palms are sweating with nerves at speaking with the girl I had fucked and chucked out like she was yesterday’s trash. She is not going to like hearing from me again, that I know. It continues to ring and the longer it does the harder my heart beats in my chest. I want her to answer but then I don’t at the same time.
If today has taught me anything it has taught me not to fuck with karma because that’s coming back to get you later.
“Urgh hello. Who is this?” Jasmines groggy voice has definitely caught me off guard. It’s as if I’m back in time, back to that night a year ago. “Hello, is anyone there?” Right game time.
“Erm, yea… its Josh. You know Josh from Buried Alive plays guitar in your brother’s band.” Duh, of course she knows who Buried Alive are you moron!
“You have got to be kidding me. Why the hell would you even think I would want to talk to you? Do you even know how things have been for me since last year?” Okay so I knew this was going to be hard for her but I didn’t realise how hard.
“Look, I know I’m the last person you want to talk to but I have to explain. I didn’t even know you were Mickey’s half-sister. I feel like a complete shit. Please just give me a chance to explain everything, please.” Fingers crossed she will at least hear me out.
“Get talking then. This ought to be good.”
“Not over the phone. Are you still living in New York? Would you meet me for a coffee at 10am? I need to be able to say this face to face, it’s important to me. Please?”
There is silence at the other end of the phone and I’m not sure if she’s hung up without saying a word. Suddenly when I had given up hope she answers me.
“Okay I’ll meet you but I’m telling you, this had better be good. This last year has been the worst year of my life and I can’t wait to hear the excuses you come up with. Anyway, has Mickey kicked your ass yet? He wanted to kill you but I stopped him, told him you weren’t worth it. I wasn’t wrong.” Jasmine sighs dramatically and I tend to agree with her.
“Yes hes kicked my butt on more tha
n one occasion. So where can I meet you then?”
“Meet me at Starbucks on 9 street. Don’t be late; I can’t stand rock stars that think we all owe them our patience. You owe me plain and simple, Josh.”
“Okay ill meet you there and Jasmine?”
“Yes?”
“Thanks for at least giving me the chance. I don’t really deserve it.”
“Bye Josh.” With that Jasmine hangs up and I now have something to work towards, mending a broken bridge from a year ago. I’m not doing this just for Sophie but for me too, I need to make peace with my past.
I arrive five minutes early for our face to face and I have to say I’m rather nervous. Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine facing this girl again. This takes some balls on her part, she most likely hates my guts, but yet she is willing to come here and hear me out. I need to get my shit together if I’m to fight for Sophie.
As I walk into Starbucks I spot Jasmine sitting at the very top of the establishment. She has already got herself a coffee so that saves fucking about with the niceties. We need to get down to business.
I sit down across from her and I’m amazed at how pretty she actually is. Why didn’t I notice that before? Oh yes because I was trollied that night. She smiles kindly at me but I can see the hurt deep within her beautiful brown eyes.
Hi Josh, so why exactly have you asked me to come here to meet with you?” Jasmine dives straight in.
“Look Jasmine I regret that night, I wish it didn’t happen that way. I understand you must be hurting right now, I’m an ass.” That’s an understatement, Josh.
“Josh I don’t think you really know how much your actions have affected me at all. Since that night I have dabbled with weak drugs like pot to the mega hard stuff like cocaine, it ruined me for a while. I’m still hanging on the alcohol but Mickey managed to get me off the drugs but it has taken me a while.” Jasmine says gingerly whilst looking down at her coffee, the admission hurts her heart, I can tell.
“Oh Jasmine I’m sorry. Christ, how the fuck do I manage to fuck everybody’s life up that I touch? I’m glad Mickey has been there for you though. I don’t know what I can say that can make it up to you, probably nothing.” I try to take her hand to show her just how sincere I’m being but she pulls it away before I get the chance.
“Don’t, the last time you touched me was the start of my swift fall into the life of drink and drugs. It’s so destructful.” Jasmine stares into space obviously recalling harder times in the past year.
“I’m so, so sorry Jasmine. I want to make it better, I want us to sort this out, I want you to understand the kind of person I was a year ago. I am completely different now.”
“Well I’m waiting; I didn’t come here for nothing you know.” Jasmine smiles a thin smile, but there is one, maybe there is hope.
“Well, I never found out that you were Mickey’s sister until a few nights ago, since then I have been tearing myself to shreds with guilt and regret. God, I regret how I treated you. You didn’t deserve that, no one does. Mickey and I have fought twice since he told me it was you I used that night. I wish I could turn the clock back.” I close my eyes and breathe deeply.
“Josh what has happened that has changed you so much? You didn’t give a damn about anything before. You never really had a kind bone in your body, even Mickey agreed with that and he has known you a long time. I need to know what has changed in your life to make you this completely different person that is sitting in front of me. You never once displayed any kind of emotion to me that night and Mickey seems to think you have always been indifferent. So tell me, what’s happened?” Jasmine taps her chin in contemplation.
Well isn’t that the question. I know I’ve changed and for the better. I was struggling to keep my head above water before Sophie. Life was just downright crap and I have dealt with some pretty intense problems in my short life. That crap has led me to making some pretty dumb decisions, one of them being that night with Jasmine.
“I have met a woman Jasmine. She’s the most incredible woman I have ever met. She completes me like no one I have ever met before; she makes me question everything about this life, about my past, about my future. Everything I knew before her has been turned on its ass. I never knew I could have a connection with a girl, have such intense feelings for someone and actually care about how they feel. It scares me though.”
“Wow, I really wasn’t expecting that response I must say. Would you say you have fallen in love with her? I know what I think but I want to know what you think.” Jasmine clasps her hands in front of her awaiting my reply.
“I’m not sure if its love exactly. Yet. Oh hell I don’t know. I want to be with her all the time and I mean all the time. I need to know what she is doing at all times but not in a stalkerish way, more I want to keep her safe and with me. I want to know everything there is to know about her; I want to know what her favourite things are, what her dreams are and what she was like when she was a little girl. God, I want to know it all.” I stop for air. I’m getting carried away but I always do when I talk about Sophie. Last night has done nothing to change that.
“Josh I think you’re kidding yourself if you think that isn’t love. To see you talking about her that way is refreshing. I just wish that Mickey would have such passion for a woman like that. Mickey is still on that destructive path you were on. I’m happy that you have managed to turn it around. Going to let you in on a little secret Josh. I don’t blame you for that night as much as I do myself. I chased you until it was impossible for you to say no. I forgive you; I’m not the kind of person to keep holding onto a grudge. I can see that you have changed and for that I’m so happy for you.” Jasmine smiles earnestly at the realisation.
“Jasmine I can’t tell you what that means to me, I’m truly sorry for it. I was a complete asshole and you giving me the forgiveness that I don’t deserve means a lot, so thank you. I hope you are able to find peace too and find a man that deserves you. It’s probably too late for Sophie and I but I hope you get that, I honestly do.”
Casting my mind back to last night makes me sad and angry again. Just seeing those two in bed together just about shattered my heart on the spot. I never really trusted Mickey but I honestly thought so much more of Sophie. At the end of the day I thank her for making me feel again. She made me feel alive.
“What the hell do you mean it’s too late for you and Sophie? Come on Josh talk to me.” Jasmine looks at me with piercing eyes and a worried expression on her face.
“I think it’s pretty much over between Sophie and I. Unfortunately it was your brother that had the biggest hand in our break up.” I say sadly. Even Mickeys name grates on my last nerve.
“You have got to be messing with me. Mickey somehow manages to turn things to crap one way or another. What the hell did he do? Don’t you dare tell me that he slept with her? If he has I am going to kill him myself.” Jasmines anger is pulsing from her body and I have no doubt that she would give it a good go.
“I’m sorry Jasmine but he did sleep with her. I don’t just blame him though obviously Sophie wanted it too. It hurts I won’t lie. The worst of it was that Mickey told Sophie that he caught me fucking a girl in the men’s room of a bar that was a few blocks away from the tour bus. I didn’t fuck her Jasmine, I swear I didn’t. She came onto me and I pushed her off me. I was trashed but I had learned my lesson from that time with you.” I put my head in my hands. The memory is painful.
“I believe you Josh. I could tell as soon as I had spoken to you on the phone that you had changed. There was just something different about you. I wouldn’t have agreed to meet you if I thought for a minute you were that same guy.” This time Jasmine reaches out to hold my hand and I let her. The action is comforting. It’s what I need right now. “Look, I’m not going to sit back and let my brother ruin something that seems to be very special. It’s about time this whole mess got buried. I won’t let him do this. Leave it with me I’ll have a word, somehow I don’t think this
is as clear cut as what you think. Things never are when my brother is involved.” Jasmine winks at me.
This girl is amazing. Not only has she forgiven me for being the biggest asshole on the planet but she is trying to help me sort things out with Sophie. I don’t deserve any of it but I’m given the smallest dose of hope.
Never.Lose.Hope.
Chapter 22
Mickey
My phone buzzes on the kitchen island and I pick it up to see who has sent me a text message. It’s Jasmine. Jasmine and I have been keeping in touch since last year, since that night Josh destroyed everything I had worked to build up.
My family has had a hard time over the years and it takes everything to keep us all together now. We have had less than a normal upbringing and Jasmine and I are the only ones to come out of the experience alive.
Jasmine: Been keeping things from me have you? I have had a really interesting meeting with Josh. Phone me a.s.a.p. P.s phone me before you go charging looking for Josh, I mean it!
Why the hell has Jasmine had a meeting with Josh? Has he not done enough damage already? Why on earth would she open herself up for more heartache at his hands? I need to phone her to find out exactly what went on and why.
I dial Jasmines number and she picks up on the first ring, she must have been sitting near the phone. She knows I would phone her instantly. I would do anything for my sister, that’s why I took Josh’s actions hard.
“Oh Mickey what the hell have you been up to? Why didn’t you tell me how much Josh has changed, he really is a different person. So tell me, why you are still holding onto the past so tightly. It wasn’t a nice time Mick, one I don’t care to remember. “Jasmine chastises me.
“Jasmine, he destroyed you last year. I’m the one that was there for you during your drug taking. You were a mess. There were days were you couldn’t even get out of your bed, you were that out of it. How many times did you shout and scream for another hit? How many times did you go out and find a house to break into just so you had money for more drugs?” I say flinching at the memory.
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