The sheriff stood above me with his freshly charged stun gun. He juiced me again for good measure. Blood filled my mouth as my teeth sliced into my tongue. Rhythmically my limbs shuddered and my bladder threatened to give way.
A circle of toads watched my puppet show from a fallen log, mocking humor in their beady, bug eyes. Tiny bluebirds swelled in my vision, growing bigger and bigger.
Charming stood over me. “What do you think, Bruce? Should I go old school and get down on one knee when I propose to my sweet Asia?” He proceeded to do just that, his knee pressing into my spine.
“Both knees,” the sheriff said. “She is a lady, after all.”
“How right you are.” Charming’s second knee stabbed into my sciatic nerve, paralyzing me almost as much as the Taser had. Pain radiated up my nerve endings and into my brain like a freight train. I struggled for breath, grey spots dancing in my eyes.
“RJ,” Charming said.
“Whhaaat?” I gasped.
“I do hope you’ll come to the wedding.”
Chapter 44
Sometime later, I awoke in the backseat of a patrol pumpkin, its red and blue lights flashing in a rhythmic beat. My hands, cuffed behind me, had long ago fallen victim to the Sandman. The tingling revived me somewhat. But my head still felt like a piñata the day after Cinco de Mayo, split open and empty. I moaned and blinked against the swirl of lights. The sheriff sat in the front seat filling out a stack of paperwork.
“Let’s see,” he said. “Impersonating a member of the clergy. Assault. Obstruction. And that’s only in the last hour.” His eyes met mine in the rearview mirror. “Oh, and let’s not forget, first degree murder.”
Dramatic pause.
“Eight counts.”
“What?” I struggled against my bonds, quickly calculating the Maledetto body count. “I didn’t kill anyone.” Well, not recently, and definitely not in Maledetto. Unless one counted the toad I’d accidentally squished while escaping the red-hooded serial killer. But, come on, toad squishing was a misdemeanor at best.
The sheriff glanced inside his notebook. “Let’s not forget, one count of attempted murder.”
“Attempted murder?” I racked my brain for an intended victim. A name came quick enough. Charming. But wanting someone dead and attempting to kill them weren’t the same thing. “I didn’t try to kill anyone.” Yet.
“Oh really?”
“Yes, really.”
The sheriff scoffed. “Then explain the bluebird.”
“What bluebird?”
“That one.” The sheriff pointed to a bluish bird sitting on the hood of the patrol pumpkin. The bird looked innocent enough, if you overlooked its bloodstained beak. “That bird bit me.” Bruce showed me his freshly bandaged arm. “I can only assume on your command.”
“That’s some assumption.” I paused, nodding to the gold star pinned to his lapel. It shone brightly in the flashing red and blue lights. “Where’d you get your sheriff’s badge? A cereal box?”
The sheriff blushed and fingered the star. Damn, I thought the patrol car smelled vaguely of Froot Loops. “Listen,” I said. “I’ve never seen that bird in my life. I swear it.”
He frowned. “And I’m supposed to take the word of a villain?”
Good point. “Open the door and I’ll prove it.”
“How?”
“I’ll order it to fly away. If it’s under my command it will.” I swallowed. “If not, it will probably peck my eyes out. What have you got to lose?”
The sheriff nodded. “Fair enough.”
The locks on the back door popped. I stared at the door handle. This was my chance to escape.
Or a really stupid way to die.
My money was on the latter.
But I had to try. A picture of Asia, beautiful in a stark white gown, burst into my head. Like a princess in a fairytale, tiny birds circled her head, threading pink ribbons through her long tresses. A slow burn grew in my chest, aching for my lovely lady.
A second image floated through my brain. Charming, dressed in a tux, his blond hair flowing in the nonexistent wind, stood next to my princess, his lips hovering inches from hers.
Hell no. I’d see Charming in hell first.
Before the sheriff could blink, in a trick as old as villainy itself, I slipped my legs through my handcuffed arms. With my hands now cuffed in front of me, I grabbed the door handle, mumbling a silent prayer or what passed as a prayer in the Church of Villainy. It went something like:
Now I do something really dumb, I pray it doesn’t end with me pummeled into a villainous mulch. If I cry before I take, I pray no one sees it. Almond.
“Here goes nothing.” I shoved the door open and slipped out of the vehicle and into the enchanted air. A cool wind swept across my still-wet rabbi costume. I shivered, but not from the cold. The bluebird tilted its head to one side, watching me warily. I took a step from the patrol pumpkin, leaving the door open just in case.
“Hello there,” I said to the bird.
Squawk!
“Gretel, is it?”
Again, a loud squawk. I took that as the affirmative.
From inside the patrol car, the sheriff screamed and quickly shut the door, trapping me outside with the bluebird, a bluebird responsible for at least one death, and possibly two more. Unless Hansel and Missy had pecked themselves to death.
I swear Gretel smiled, her blood-soaked beak gleaming in the fading sunlight. I swallowed hard, but stood my ground, mostly because my legs refused to move.
“Nice to finally meet you,” I said to the bird. “Would you be a good bird, and do me a favor?”
Squawk.
“See these handcuffs?” Using my chin, I gestured to my shackled hands. Gretel’s beak bobbed. “Smart bird.”
Squawk.
“Okay, here’s the deal.” I gave her my best “trust me” smile, all teeth and lips. “Pick this lock and I’ll give you all the cocoa you can eat.”
To a bluebird, my bribe equaled the golden ticket, except in this case Willy Wonka wasn’t the man behind the scenes. Someone else was, someone who used the poor, innocent bird to kill Cinderella, Hansel, and Missy with cold-bloodied efficiency. And now my freedom, if not my life, were in Gretel’s talons.
Gretel flapped her wings, as if debating my offer.
“Come on, sweetheart,” I said. “Help a villain out.”
She did, but with much more enthusiasm than I’d anticipated. Her talons locked onto my right arm, tearing into the flesh beneath. Blood ran down my arm, staining the sleeve of my shirt. I held in a scream, beads of sweat forming on my forehead.
With the precision of Goldilocks, Gretel picked the handcuff lock in record time. One minute I was a prisoner on my way to jail, and then next, I was a free man with one goal.
Stop Charming.
At any cost.
“Stop,” the sheriff yelled from the safety of the patrol pumpkin. “Stop in the name of the law.” A command I never quite understood.
Nevertheless, I did stop, just long enough to ask Gretel for one final favor. I motioned to the sheriff. “Don’t let him out of the vehicle and I’ll toss in a subscription to Bird Fancy.”
Squawk.
“Yep.” I nodded. “The one with the Toucan Sam centerfold.”
Gretel flapped her wings, flying from my bloody arm to the windshield of the patrol pumpkin. Her talons scratched against the glass with a terrifying screech. The sheriff screamed like a girl and raised his hands to protect his face even though three centimeters of glass separated him from certain death.
I tapped the glass with my knuckle. “You’ll be safe as long as you stay inside the vehicle.” I grinned at the sheriff. “Don’t bother calling for help. Gretel’s got friends in high places.”
The sheriff glanced upward to the swarm of bluebirds circling overhead. He swallowed, his Adam’s apple bobbing rapidly.
“Thanks,” I said to Gretel. “I owe you one.”
Without waiting for her
answering squawk, I took off for the palace in search of a change of clothes and my one true love.
Chapter 45
“Son, I need your advice,” the king said when I opened the front door of the palace. It looked like he needed more than advice. A shower, for one thing. He was still dressed in last night’s bachelor party wear, his crown tarnished and slightly askew, and his eyes puffy and small under his sagging skin. “Please,” he added with a hiccup.
“Not now, sir.” Even if I wanted to help him, I couldn’t. Asia was in danger of marrying Prince Rotten. And I wasn’t having any of it.
I ran up the stairs, taking them two at a time. Three flights later, I arrived at Asia’s bedroom. Not bothering to knock, I pushed the door open and gasped in surprise. Her room was decorated in what could only be described as the early villain period. Posters of wicked queens, evildoers, and old-school henchmen filled her walls.
But it was the picture over her bed that grabbed my attention most, a photograph of none other than yours truly taken years ago by a hack reporter at the New Never News following one of my villainous escapades.
I grinned, feeling oddly pleased by this turn of events. My sweet princess harbored a secret thing for villains. I still had a chance.
If I could find her.
“Asia,” I called down the hallway. No answer. “Baby, where are you?”
Heart heavy, I headed for Cinderella’s room and a fresh pair of clothes. As expected, sitting on the bed were a new pair of Levi’s and a black T-shirt. Winslow might be getting laid, but he was still a damn good butler.
I quickly changed into my dry clothes, tossing my wet rabbi uniform in a pile on the floor. My head swirled with possibilities. Where was Asia? Was she with Charming? Was he at this very moment stealing my ladylove? I had one chance, and I had to act fast.
I ran down the palace stairs and right into the king, who sat slumped on the bottom step. My foot connected with his backside, and I did a flip in the air before landing on the floor, my head cushioning my fall. The king glanced down at me.
“That looked like it hurt.” He shook his head. “You should watch where you’re going. A careful man is a carefree man, as my papa used to say.”
I blinked away a swirl of blue and pink birds from my vision. “I thought you never met your dad.”
“He would’ve said that, son. I’m sure of it.”
I rolled my eyes and staggered to my feet. “Sir, I need your help. It’s very important.”
“You’re too late, boy.”
No, I couldn’t be. I needed Asia in my life. Sure, I’d survive without her smile, but I’d never be happy. And damn it, if my impotency taught me anything, it was that I wanted happiness. I wasn’t willing to settle anymore.
“Asia said yes to Charming?” I swallowed over the lump lodged in my throat. “She’s going to marry him?”
“What?” The king bounded off the step, his face turning purple like the capillaries lining his nose. “When’d this happen? I won’t allow it.”
I held up my hand. “Wait. Wait. Wait. What’d you mean when you said I was too late?”
“I was speaking metaphorically.”
I raised an eyebrow.
“The queen asked for a divorce, son.” The king sniffed and then used the end of his beard to blow his nose. “My marriage is over. I’ve lost the love of my life.” He broke down in loud, racking sobs. Not a pretty sight. Snot rolled from his face like a booger waterfall.
I swallowed my disgust. “Sir, no disrespect, but isn’t that what you want? To be free of the queen?”
“Hell no.” The king flapped his arms in the air much like Gretel the bluebird. “What gave you a stupid idea like that?”
“Well, let’s see,” I lifted my index finger, “you tried to shoot her. Multiple times.” My middle finger went up next. “You tried to snap her neck in a rat trap. And let’s not forget the rocket in the tool shed.”
The king smiled. “A Valentine’s gift.”
I gave up. “That’s exactly what I mean. Women don’t want death threats. They want to be loved.”
The king scoffed.
“They also don’t like it when their husband sleeps with a stripper.”
“Oh, what do you know?” The king gave a bitter laugh. “Asia’s run off with that twit Charming, and you’re here, wasting time.”
“What?” I grabbed the king’s shoulders and shook him. “What do you mean Asia’s run off? Did you see her leave with Charming?”
“Of course I did.”
“Why didn’t you tell me that in the first place?” I didn’t bother to wait for his answer. Instead, I ran out of the palace, down the porch steps, and into the forest, my heart in my throat. I had to find Asia. I had to tell her that I loved her.
I ran deeper and deeper into the darkness. The forest had become a refuge for Charming’s dastardly plan, or so I believed. The footprints helped, of course, two pairs of glass slippers by the look of them. Who else but a flaming prince wore glass slippers after Fairy Day?
Tracking the couple’s trail didn’t take long. In fact, I caught up with Charming and Asia after only ten minutes. They walked side by side, Charming’s hand on Asia’s arm. They looked like the typical happy couple on a forest jaunt. I didn’t buy it for a second. Asia loved me; of that I was sure.
She just didn’t know it yet.
The couple paused at a familiar wooden bridge. The same one I found yesterday when searching for Winslow. Charming smiled at my princess. He plucked a blue wildflower from the ground next to the bridge and held it out to Asia.
Rookie mistake.
As soon as the flower touched Asia’s soft skin, she began to sneeze. I shook my head and continued watching them from behind a large tree.
Charming quickly dropped the flower and handed Asia a Kleenex from the pocket of his tux. What kind of douche wore his wedding tux to propose to another woman?
Asia didn’t seem to mind, though. She pointed to something off in the distance. Charming’s eyes followed her finger. While he was otherwise occupied, Asia reached for the Devil’s Eye around her waist and carved something into the wood of the bridge. She smiled at the finished product and patted Charming’s arm to gain his attention.
They talked for a moment. Asia’s smile grew with each passing second. Her fingers pointed at her heart and then to Charming’s. He nodded and dropped to one knee. Asia’s eyes widened and her hand flew to her throat. Charming spoke briefly, probably about how pretty he was, and then reached for my princess’s hand. She shook her head. He nodded, his expression serious, eyes intent. The rat bastard. If he touched her, I would throttle him.
While I fantasized about wringing Charming’s scrawny neck, the couple slipped away, continuing on their enchanted hike through the forest. I wasn’t sure where they were going, but I’d follow Asia to the ends of the kingdom, her desire for Charming be damned.
The ends of the kingdom turned out to be a log cabin about two miles from the palace. It appeared old, built in the last century, with broken shutters and a crooked porch. Smoke curled from the chimney, as if the house expected visitors.
Was this Charming’s plan? Lock Asia away in a remote cabin in the woods? I shrugged. As dastardly plans went, it wasn’t the best. For this kind of thing, a tower worked best. High windows. Hard to escape unless you had an extra-strength weave.
Damn Rapunzel.
Charming entered the cabin first, holding the door open for my princess. She paused at the threshold as if deciding her fate.
“Asia, wait,” I shouted.
Her eyes met mine. She smiled sadly. My heart swelled in my chest. She loved me. I could see it in her eyes. Those same damn eyes that turned around and headed inside with Prince Rotten.
Chapter 46
I pounded on the door of the quaint cabin. “Damn it, Asia, open this door right now.” My fist banged harder against the wood. Splinters bit into my palm, but I ignored the pain. The pain in my heart took precedence. The
ache grew stronger and stronger with every second the door stayed closed. Wetness gathered in my eyes, from the high pollen count, I assured my manhood. “Please,” I muttered, smacking the door one final time.
The door opened as if by magic.
“Go away,” Asia said, looking as beautiful and as sweet as ever. She’d changed from her jade bridesmaid’s gown and into a stark white dress that looked suspiciously like a wedding gown.
My heart beat faster. This was my chance. Don’t blow it, I warned myself. “Asia,” I began. “I—”
“RJ, I don’t love you.”
“What?”
“I never will.”
“But—”
She leaned in close enough for me to smell the sweet scent of her. “Go back to the palace.”
“I—”
Her beautiful face hardened. “Forget about me. About us.”
Blinding pain exploded in my chest. I was falling deeper and deeper into the abyss of unrequited love. There was no way out. No safety net. The pain was so intense I barely heard her next words.
“Run along, pup,” she said, her tone as icy as Miss Muffet’s after her third shot of whey. The look in Asia’s eyes matched her tone. A cold, blank stare, as if we never shared a single kiss.
Unable to stand another second in front of the woman who was breaking my heart, I stumbled off the porch, my vision blurry, my throat raw. A lump the size of a pea even that other princess could feel swelled in my throat. I wanted to die. Right there on the spot. Even Natasha’s betrayal hadn’t hurt this much, and I’d given her half my 401(v).
I hate to admit it but I ran away. I ran as fast as I could. Legs burning, chest heaving, and still I ran. I ran and ran and ran until the pain in my heart faded. Then and only then did I stop to catch my breath. I sat down on the edge of the wooden bridge, my heart and head heavy.
Pup?
Had Asia call me pup?
What the fuck was that about?
My fingers clenched against the wood of the small bridge, the same spot where Asia had given her heart to Charming only twenty minutes ago. Splinters dug into my calloused flesh, but I barely felt them. Through a blur of tears, I glanced down at the one word Asia had carved in the wood.
Curses! Page 22