by Ellen Hutton
Another beep sound rattled my ears and disturbed my stream of thoughts; well, it was more like a conjuring ocean of thoughts. I guess the earlier dozen messages would already be over a hundred now. Nice heartwarming compositions from friends who wanted to make me feel better, emotional ones from my girlfriends and close buddies, and most especially, a million apology messages from Nate. I knew too well not to check or read any of them. The reason simply was that I knew that I still felt something for Nate. I mean, how could I not? This was a man that I had loved for two years─ two years that appeared like the entirety of my life; a man that I had given my world to and put my heart in his hands; a man that knew everything about me... my fears, my likes, my weaknesses, my lies, my secrets; a man I thought I knew; a man I once wished to spend the rest of my life with.
It is an uncanny feeling that comes with a sudden rush of despair when you discover that the last two years of your life have been a lie; a fairytale love story; a far contrast from reality; a damning reverie; a thirsty desert walker's mirage; a fallacy withal.
I wrapped my arms around me and took a look at Eunice. She prepared wood for a fire on the hearth. I had begged her to get me out of Uncle Richard's house and bring me to her home, because I feared Nate would manage his way to see me. I was not ready to hear the sound of his voice. It would break me beyond repair. Apart from Eunice, only no one knew where I was. I thought Ice cream would do the trick, but it only made my cold heart grow colder.
This unfortunate turn of events took my mind back to Kyle. He always did love me, and I him, even if we never talked about it. I had gotten a call from him recently. He sounded well. He sounded lovely. I had not seen him inn nearly three years. Kyle was nice as always. I thought about calling him. Probably his voice would calm me, even if he did not know. I knocked the though back out of my mind. A lovely guy he was, but I was not ready to move on yet. I needed to find balance and stability, clear my mind and rationalize my thoughts.
The fire came up wildly, making Eunice jump back and chuckle. It immediately gave the room a snug feel. Eunice rubbed her hands together near the fire and then got on her feet. I watched as she took off her scarf and threw it to collide with her brown lady hat. Next, she took off her coat and playfully threw it at me. She always did that to cheer me up... throwing her things at me. I displayed a wry smile and walk to meet her beside the fire, taking my seat on one of the two chairs strategically placed near the fire place.
"Cozy, huh?" She wriggled her body and fell in her chair.
"Yes, it is really cozy. Thank you for doing this." I smiled at her, genuinely.
"Come on... You know I did not do anything. I only agreed to get you here because I needed company," she winked at me.
"Selfish witch!" I joked.
"You see? You are getting better already. A few more days and you would be back to your normal self,"
What was my normal self exactly? I wondered.
"I feel empty," I said, watching the hard wood burn under the glowing fire.
"You shouldn't. In fact you should be happy that you could get out of it before it got too far. What if you got to discover he had a kid six years into your relationship and possibly, marriage?"
She had a point.
"Yes. But at least everybody would not have witnessed my shame like that. That party was the grandest public humiliation in America." I grimaced.
She smirked, knowing that I had indeed considered the angles.
We remained silent.
“You know, sometimes I just think that maybe if I had not planned that surprise party for Nate, things would still be the way they were. I cannot believe I humiliated myself like that in front of his friends and mine.” I whispered as I remembered the events of the previous day.
It was Nate’s birthday and I thought I would surprise him with a party at the place that he least expected… his house. I had a spare key that he did not know about, so getting in was not going to be a problem. I invited my friends and some of his and we all agreed to meet at his house. That day, I called him to make sure he was somewhere else and immediately began preparations. I also told him that I had to leave town for something very urgent and he sounded very sad that I would not celebrate his birthday with him. The plan was in motion. I watched through the window and the moment I saw his car approaching, we all took position and waited for him to open the door.
“Surprise!” we screamed just as the door pushed open.
Ironically, we were the surprised ones, as he walked in with a woman and a kid. His jaw dropped.
And just then, the kid looked up and said “Daddy, are we having a party?”
I had never been that mortified in my life as I tried to process it all in my mind.
Chapter 2
It was a tough, biting weather outside. The windows were white with snow and the ice fog made quiet noises on the door. The cold winter wind wheezed through every key hole, announcing the arrival of Christmas. Christmas was coming, and the only thing I could think of asking Santa for was a perfect ending... or at least some joy for a start; and quickly too. At this point, I wished Santa was real. But then again, if wishes were horses, even beggars would ride.
The marshy sounds of people trudging in the snow slipped in through the wall. It was almost like daylight outside, considering the amount of movement that still went on. Everybody was busy, getting one thing or the other. It appeared I was the least prepared for the Yuletide. Nate and I had planned to celebrate Christmas in Paris─ The city of love, together. It was supposed to be the most blissful Christmas for us; a memorable one, with lots of pictures and memories and happy stories.
I glanced at Eunice. She looked like she had something on her mind. I had known her long enough to be able to tell when something bothered her. She wanted to talk... She usually did random things whenever she felt like saying something heavy─ a critical decision she made, a relationship that ended because of her; or someone died. Right now I was wearing three layers of clothing, but Eunice seemed comfortable unlacing her boots. She did this very slowly, and I could spot the randomness about it. She wore a puffy vest and ankle boots with thick socks and some foam lining. Then as expected, she started to talk.
"I spoke with George today," her voice was low but precise.
"Ha! So mama finally wants to give papa some cookie?" I giggled, rolling my eyes and whistling.
"I guess. But I told him that I want it to be special. I just don't want to do it because he asked for it. I want to do it because the both of us feel pulled by the forces of sexual attraction to uhm..." she started to snigger. Her face turned bright red under the shadow of the now declining fire. It had found a rhythm, and started to burn gently, latching at the hard wood ever so melodiously, making crackling sounds that only a fire and wood romance could produce.
Her new boyfriend, George, was a chump, but she loved him. He asked for sex a week ago but she declined. They had not talked since then, and it's quite surprising that she's the one who called him. But then again, it's Eunice. I had learnt to expect the unexpected with her. If Eunice was in my position, she was the type to get back with Nate in less than two weeks after he had apologized. It was only a matter of time. She seemed to have a very forgiving spirit when it came to her boyfriends.
"Why pick them in the first place if you can't forgive them when they go wrong?" She would say.
It was even a bigger surprise that she had not asked me to reconsider Nate, albeit jokingly.
"Well, what can I say? If you feel comfortable doing it, then you should." I knew that was what she wanted to hear me say, so I did. Not like I had anything different to say, though─ Relationship advice coming from a girl who could not stop herself from getting burnt by the fire that her own love had created. Pathetic!
She smiled. Our relationship worked like this most of the time. When we had already made our decision, we still talked to the other and sought approval… just a friendly reassurance that we got each other backs, however the decis
ion turned out.
"So, about Nate… are you planning on replying any of his messages?"
Sigh... Here we go. I beamed with reprove, but I answered anyway.
"Honestly, no. I don’t think I ever want to reply any of his messages. I can't believe you would even go there."
"Hey, hey, you know me. I like seeing all the angles. You know I have never been a real fan of Nate."
"Yes. You always thought Kyle was better."
"You can't blame me, girl. The guy's a real charmer. Plus he is caring. And you can trust him."
"Yeah… I thought I could trust Nate too. Look how that turned out."
"Kyle has always been there for you. And whenever you need him most, he just haply happens to be around the corner… even when he wasn't really nearby."
"I know, right? Wonderful guy he is."
"You could give him a real chance sometime, though, you know."
"He has not ever gotten serious with me. There has always been a connection... but never that near intimate moment. Not once. Well, maybe one time."
"There you go... You see? Tell me about it,"
"It was Christmas, and we were all having eggnogs."
I hated eggnogs. But it was tradition at Uncle Richard’s house to have an eggnogs feast on the twenty fifth. Eunice was beginning to laugh. She could remember how much I always frowned… squeezing my oval face when eggnogs feast was approaching. When the doctor advised that Uncle Richard turn down his raw eggs intake, I was relieved since I knew that marked the end of a mandatory eggnogs feast, even if I felt bad for Uncle Richard. Father and mother always loved to spend Christmas at Uncle Richard’s house. He simply knew how to bring out the Christmas miracles.
"Something was off about the eggnogs that year. Kyle had come over for Christmas and was standing in front of me. I took the first sip from my cup and spurted it all over Kyle's face."
"Ha-ha ha-ha," she laughed.
"He got so furious that he jumped on me and pushed me to the ground,"
"Ouch,"
"Yeah... it was one weird awkward moment when he was on top of me on all fours while I lay on the cold floor."
"Woops... Did you kiss?" she smirked and rolled her eyes.
"Get out of here." I was laughing really hard now. Eunice had successfully transformed my mood. I was grateful to her.
Chapter 3
"I hate the snow," Eunice groaned as we walked down the snow covered street.
She was clothed in mitten gloves, insulated leather boots, winter socks, ear muffs, a scarf and a hat. Her trim body adorned a fitted blue sweater with the collar popped out stylishly beneath her cropped blazer. Sigh! Not that I was looking any better but she looked like Snowy the Snowman with all the snowflakes that hanged all over her.
Cold smoke exited our mouths as we talked. The snow seemed to get heavier in the evenings.
"I am not even sure if he has a girlfriend or not. What if he has one─ probably a cute fleshy brunette chic with an elaborate persona?"
I blew more cold smoke from my mouth into my hands and rubbed my glove covered palms together.
Eunice giggled. My responding chuckle sounded more like a titter.
"I don't think he has one. If he did, he won't be here drooling over you."
"He is not drooling; he is just being a good friend. Besides, I have not even seen him in so long."
She sighed and shook her head.
“I sure know he fancies you, and you like him more than the two of you are willing to admit. You have gotten so much close… as friends, that you simply cannot fathom the both of you being romantically involved. I would give anything for the kind of commitment he shows towards you.”
There was a pile of logs around the corner, buried in more than fifteen inches of snow. We walked towards it and sat, not minding the ice layers atop it. It greeted our asses with utmost frozen delight. Ah! Heaven!
“Well, I guess we will just have to wait and see how things turn out,” I replied after we took our seats.
Everybody seemed to be getting ready for Christmas. I could see people dragging small trees they had got for the Yuletide; families did their shopping and offloaded all they had bought into their various houses. I did not even have a Christmas tree, or new lights for decorations. Some kids stood under a withered tree, holding hands and listened to a fellow in leather pants and red hat. He appeared to be telling tales about the Santa's dwarfs then something about gingerbread man or some other nonexistent Christmas fallacy. The kids listened in awe and together screamed joyfully when he was done.
"More... More... More...." they chorused.
Then the lanky looking man rubbed his fingers together and the kids eagerly brought whatever money they had on them and dropped it in his little brown bag. I could not believe he was actually extorting these kids over some nine hundred thousand years old stories.
"We got special invites to the Portman’s Christmas party tomorrow." Eunice was staring at me, waiting for a reaction.
"Tomorrow is Christmas eve already? Shit."
"Yes. I told them we would be very glad to grace the occasion." Eunice was patronizing me.
"Did we get special invites...? Or you requested for the invites? I know you and Jamie Portman are pretty close." Jamie Portman is Harry Portman’s son.
"There’s going to be fruitcakes, gingerbread, eggnogs, a Carol..." she snubbed my question.
"I don't have a choice. Do I?"
"Not if I'm alive!" She smiled.
**
"I have decided to sleep in my house today," I told Eunice.
"That's good for you. At least my food should last longer now."
"I don't eat as much as you, fatty," I fought back.
And I was right, plus she had more layers of flesh than I did. But her crumpled up dressing gave away no skin for me to make an example of, save her face. I schemed for ways to hit at her.
I was happy. My sense of humor was returning. Now all I had to do was to exorcise my demons. And I knew just where to start.
After Eunice and I parted that evening (but not before she promised to come see me the next morning), I went over to the Uncle Richard's house.
As I entered the gates, my memories started to swing between fond ones and the most recent awful experience. All that soon passed when I saw Uncle Richard and the boys from afar. The housekeeper, Stella was also beaming with smiles and the little dog, Wally, wagged its tail. They had worn a kind of think garment over it, and it looked absolutely beautiful. The boys were happy to see me. I had spoken to Nicholas on phone a day before; Uncle Richard too.
**
"How are you doing? How are you holding up?" Uncle Richard asked me when we were alone in his study.
"I'm okay... doing just fine… although I have had better days."
I had always been closer to Uncle Richard than my parents. I could share my feelings with him about things that bothered me and he always gave comforting advice.
The heat in the house was so high that I barely felt any cold. I even had to take off two layers of my clothing, leaving me with just my long sleeve cotton shirt and denim pants.
Uncle Richard was looking at me with care, like I was a kid; vulnerable and susceptible. Well, I could not say that I wasn't. My life had just shattered right before my very eyes, and the eyes of all my friends that had come for the party.
"I need you to do something for me, Miranda"
"Sure, whatever it is."
"I need you to see someone."
"Someone?" I asked, puzzled.
"Yes. Someone you could talk to─ a professional."
"Like a psychiatrist?"
"No... a counselor… a psychologist."
"Why?"
"I know you think that you are moving on fine. But I can tell you, as an experienced man. It isn't that easy. I do not want you to break down all of a sudden. I have somebody. He is a friend."
"A friend?"
"Well, he worked with an old friend of mine. He is
in his early thirties, but quite experienced in the job."
"Okay Uncle Richard. I promise I will see him."
"Promise?"
"Yes Uncle Richard, I promise to talk to him after Christmas. Maybe I will do that on the 27th or the 28th."
"Here, let me give you his number. I just want to make sure you are okay, Miranda"
Leaving Uncle Richard's house that night, I made up my mind to burn anything that had a connection to Nate, including pictures, notes and jewelry he bought me. I reached home that night and set it all on fire outside, near my garbage can. I watched as the snow melted under the brightly glowing fire. At that moment, something left my heart. Something that had been holding me back or at least I felt it did. I hid memories of Nate in a dark place in my heart, never to revisit.