by Lexi Blake
Could she love the new Beck? It was a foolish question because she already loved him. She simply wasn’t sure she could trust him. “Charlotte thinks I should move here and pretend like nothing happened.”
“You don’t want to do that, do you?”
“I’ve changed so much. I worry if I stay here, I’ll fall back into the same patterns I used to follow. I didn’t like who I became in the end. I learned to treat it all as a game. I don’t want to be that person again. I know a lot of people would say then don’t be.”
Eve shook her head. “It’s difficult to change your nature. It’s much easier to understand what kind of pressure you can handle and what you can’t. Kim, you need to do what fulfills you. Not what you thought you should do or what would shock your parents. You’re past that, and now you don’t have to worry about Levi. You need to ask yourself what you want.”
“And if it isn’t Beck?” It was a question she wasn’t sure she wanted to answer.
“Then you two need to sit down and figure out how to move forward as parents,” Eve advised. “Before that, I want you to think about giving him the chance to confront how he treated you, to truly see what it did to you. To take that into himself and apologize with his whole heart. You might not want to be his wife again, but he’ll always be Roman’s father. You understand that you don’t owe anyone forgiveness, right? People who transgress against you are not owed your grace. You decide who deserves it. But I think Beck is important enough to you that you do owe him your honest emotion.”
That wasn’t what she’d been expecting from Eve. “I would think the psychologist would tell me forgiveness is important.”
Eve seemed to consider what she said next. “It is, but it’s also important to know that forgiveness is like submission in D/s. You’re in control of it. It comes from you, and you make the decision whether or not to give it. Our society puts pressure on people to forgive even when the transgression cuts so deeply the injured party will never be the same. You can live without forgiving. You can let go of what he did to you without forgiving him. It’s up to you.”
She was sure of one thing. “I’ll never forgive Levi.”
“But the question we’ve been dancing around is the one I had to deal with before I could move on.”
“What’s that?”
“Can you forgive yourself? And that, my friend, is the one forgiveness you might truly owe. I know it sounds crazy but tonight might help you figure out how you want to move forward with Beck if you let it.”
She shook her head. “We agreed this would be a place where we don’t worry about those things.”
Eve went quiet for a moment. “All right. Well, if you want to talk more, my door is open. Beck has Kai. You should have someone to talk to as well. If you don’t feel comfortable with me, I know some great people you could talk to.”
Therapists. Eve thought she needed a therapist. Someone she would pay to be her “friend.”
The door came open and Ariel walked in with River right behind her.
The joy she might have felt at seeing her friends was dimmed by her conversation with Eve. Were they really her friends? Or were they Beck’s, trying to get her to do what Beck wanted?
God, she hated this. She hated not trusting anyone. It was an anchor keeping her in the dark, cold water.
“Just think about it,” Eve said, standing and welcoming the newcomers.
Ariel briefly said hello to everyone, but her focus was on Kim. She came and sat down beside her, reaching for her hand. “Hey, I heard they took Levi into custody. Are you okay?”
She had a choice to make with the woman in front of her.
River was on her other side. “I’ve been thinking about you all day.”
And the one beside her. Trust. It came so easily to some people. It didn’t to her, but if she never trusted anyone again, how empty would her life be?
Did she want to live in a world where Ariel and River tricked her?
She held Ariel’s hand and leaned her head against River’s shoulder. “I’m okay. I’m relieved it’s over. Now tell me how the trip to the aquarium went.”
River had spent the day showing her sons around Dallas.
She wanted to think about pleasant things.
Because she feared if she let the darkness in, it would swallow her up.
* * * *
Beck glanced down at Kim. She was doing and saying all the right things, but there was a distance that worried him. They were standing in front of Sanctum’s main stage, watching a scene play out in front of them. Simon Weston was flogging his wife. The big Brit was graceful as he moved the heavy flogger over Chelsea’s back and legs.
“She started with BDSM because she found it helped her deal with the chronic pain in her legs,” he whispered. “Maybe we should try it. One of the things that kept me up at night the last seven years was wondering who was taking care of your leg.”
She didn’t look at him but kept her voice low in deference to the scene in front of them. “Ezra recommended a TENS unit. I use it a couple of times a week. I probably need to buy another one, but I’m fine. I can handle it.”
He moved behind the crowd, gently taking her hand and urging her to come with him. When they were far enough away, he stopped. “I don’t want you to be in pain.”
“I told you. It’s fine.”
“I can get a TENS.” He was actually pretty sure there were several right here in the building.
A blank smile came over her. “Sure. That would be great.”
God, she was so fucking far from him. And all because he’d fucked up this afternoon.
No. It went so much deeper, but they couldn’t get through it if she wouldn’t talk about it. And it was obvious that she didn’t want to talk.
“Let’s go up to a privacy room.”
She simply nodded and followed when he started for the stairs.
She was so fucking gorgeous in the sapphire-colored corset and boy shorts he’d picked for her. Her legs looked a mile long in the stilettos he’d chosen. She loved shoes, and he hated that she’d had to leave them all behind. She walked gracefully in them, like she’d been born wearing the damn things though he knew it was likely something she’d had to learn.
Kim had to learn lots of things. She’d had to learn that she couldn’t depend on anyone but herself. He’d had a hand in teaching her that lesson, and it was up to him to teach her something else.
That he would never leave her. That he would always love her.
Tag nodded his way as they made it to the stairs that would lead them up to the privacy rooms. It was a gesture that let him know Tag understood how hard this was going to be on both of them.
Did he have any right to push her the way he was going to? Should he simply follow her around until she figured out he wasn’t going anywhere and let him back in her heart?
The trouble was he wasn’t sure she would. He wasn’t sure she wouldn’t run the first chance she got, and then he would be out. He knew she wouldn’t keep Roman from him, and her moving back to Europe wouldn’t be about making things hard on him. All those moves would be about protecting herself.
He needed her to understand that she needed no protection from him. Not anymore.
He led her upstairs. The dungeon monitor let them onto the floor where the privacy rooms were located. He was a big guy who manned the floor that held five privacy rooms. Beck hadn’t been up here to play. This afternoon had been his first visit since he’d taken the original tour. He’d been struck by the sign on the monitor’s desk.
Carpe Noctem.
Seize the Night.
That was what he was planning on doing. Seize the night so he and Kim could have all their days together.
It was quieter on the third floor, the thud of the music now a distant thing. The minute the door closed on the room he’d selected, he felt the heavy weight of being alone with her.
This would either work or she would hate him more than she did now.
He didn’t want to live in a world where she hated him.
“Did you like the scenes we watched?” Beck checked the tray he’d prepped earlier, making sure he hadn’t missed anything.
“I did. The rope was pretty. I don’t know that my arms could be in that position for long though.” She walked around the room, running her hand over the wood of the St. Andrew’s Cross. This particular room was decorated for heavier scenes. “Are all the rooms the same?”
“No,” he replied. “They’re all different. They serve different functions. There’s one room that’s nothing more than a big bedroom.”
“Is that the one Ezra’s staying in?”
He’d almost managed to forget his brother was hanging around somewhere. “Maybe. I hope Tag hid the butt plugs or the good father is going to be shocked.”
She sent him a look that let him know he was on thin ice. “He’s not a prude.”
Unfortunately, she was just going to have to get used to how he and his brother communicated. “I thought that was part of his job now.”
“And I thought you were getting along.”
He had to grin at that. “You forget how we were before he died. We’re brothers. We give each other shit. We are better. I promise. But I hope he’s not right next door to us. It would be weird to walk out in my leathers and see my brother trying to get ice or something.”
He got his first smile out of her. “It’s not a motel.”
“No, it’s way kinkier than any motel. But there is an ice machine on this floor. There’s a tiny pantry because a couple of members are into food play. Also, as we’ve seen with Ezra, Tag often stashes people he wants to hide here.”
“It seems to be a theme,” Kim replied. “Does Big Tag have a thing about multiuse spaces? He seems to think all BDSM clubs should also be safe houses. Maybe he thinks the bad guys will be scared off by all the leather.”
He loved joking with her, but tonight it was a way to distance herself. He could see it in the blandness of her expression. “Or he knows how to use lube as a weapon, and there’s plenty of that here.” He had everything he needed. He couldn’t put it off anymore, but he could give her one last chance. “Do you want to change rooms? We can sit and talk in one of the bedrooms.”
A stubborn look crossed her face. “I’m fine with this one. It looks like fun.”
She was going to fight him until the end. “Excellent. Then take off your clothes.”
“I don’t know that I would call them clothes,” she snarked.
He wasn’t having that tonight. It all started here and now. He picked up the paddle he’d bought for her. “Turn around and lean over. We’ll start with five.”
Her eyes widened. “Why?”
“Now it’s ten.”
She huffed but turned around and reached for her ankles. It gave him the most gorgeous view of her ass. “I’m going to take it this is about sarcasm.”
“It’s mostly about wanting to spank your pretty ass and make it red.” He put a hand on the small of her back and gave her ten rapid smacks. He wasn’t playing around. He wanted her to feel it.
Physical pain to release the emotional pain. And he would be the bad guy.
But then wasn’t he always the bad guy with her?
“Watch your mouth while we’re playing. I’m due respect in this place.” He knew he sounded like an asshole, but that was the point.
She stood up straight. “Respect. Got it.”
Oh, she was on the edge, and he prayed they got through this. He knew exactly what had pushed her to this point. He’d reverted to form earlier in the day, and she suspected that was the truth about him—that the asshole who’d torn her up was still there just waiting to be set free by a single misstep.
He saw the moment she decided to play a part with him. Her expression softened as she turned around and offered him her back. She looked over her shoulder, her hair tumbling down. “Is it all right to ask you to help me? Or should I do it all on my own?”
She wanted the sex and she meant to get it without any of the scary emotions he wanted between them. He moved in and put his hands on her shoulders, easing her hair to one side so he could kiss the nape of her neck. It wasn’t fair. What he was going to do to her wasn’t fair. It wasn’t what they’d agreed on, but if he didn’t try, he would lose her. Maybe he deserved to lose her, but he worried that he was the last stop on the road her heart had been on since she was a child. If he failed to get to her, she might never open herself up again, and he couldn’t live knowing Kim was alone.
“You deserve the whole world, you know,” he whispered.
He felt her muscles go tight. “Sure, Beck.”
He took a deep breath and hardened himself. He quickly got her out of the corset, setting it aside. “Take off the panties. If you have a comment about them, keep it to yourself. And take off the shoes.”
They were one more bit of armor, and he wasn’t leaving her with any tonight.
“But I…” She stopped as though realizing saying anything more would put off getting to the place she wanted to be. She stepped out of the shoes and handed them to him.
With the four-inch heels, they were almost eye to eye. Without them, he could loom over her.
When she handed him the underwear he’d selected for her, she stood in front of him naked, and her eyes had gone soft again. She was like a caged cat, testing every inch of the fence she found herself in for weaknesses.
“Back up to the St. Andrew’s Cross. We’ll start there,” he said, paying no attention at all to the sex she was exuding.
He wanted her more than he could say, but her soul was more important than her body.
He started to tie her to the cross and prayed they came out of this night whole.
Chapter Seventeen
Frustration was starting to get to her. She gently pulled against the ties that bound her to the X-like cross. She’d thought she would be facing the cross like Chelsea had during her scene with her husband, but Beck had turned her around.
She didn’t like it this way. She’d been excited when she’d thought he would flog her back and legs like the scene. But he’d proven that he didn’t like gentle suggestions tonight.
He was so freaking sexy in those leather pants with ties that would make it super easy for him to release his cock when it was time for him to fuck her. He’d worn a leather vest that showed off his chest and abs, but he’d just taken it off. He was dressed for sex, a decadent walking sex toy, but he seemed determined to make her wait.
But then this was all a game, and she had to play it if she wanted mind-blowing orgasms. That was the goal.
Life was transactional. That was what she’d reminded herself of all afternoon. You had to pay for anything in life, and playing Beck’s mind games were the price of her pleasure.
He stared at her for a moment, looking her up and down, his eyes hot on her body.
Maybe he wouldn’t take so long after all.
He stepped up and came so close she could practically feel the heat coming off his skin. “I’m going to introduce you to some toys.”
She bit back a groan. She wanted him to touch her.
A brow cocked over his eyes. “Unless there’s something you want to talk about.”
He seemed to want to push her tonight. She knew why. He wanted to talk about what had happened this afternoon, but there was nothing to talk about. He was the same old Beck.
Except the same old Beck would have been more than happy with her ignoring what he’d done. In fact, the same old Beck would have never apologized. He would have thought he was right and been stubborn as hell about her agreeing with him.
“All right.” She was here to explore her sexuality. That included more than mere orgasms.
“I wonder how long you’ll be this agreeable,” he murmured. His fingertips came up and brushed against her nipples. A shiver raced across her skin.
“I thought that was the point.” She wished he would blindfold her. Then she cou
ld concentrate on nothing more than the sensations he could pull from her body.
“The point of D/s for most couples is to find greater intimacy. To learn to communicate better. I wouldn’t know because you’re my first submissive. So far my only experience has been to give my partners what they need.”
He’d given her an excellent opening. “I need sex.”
His fingertips twisted her nipple, sending a delicious sensation through her. “And you’ll get it. Do you know what your job is?”
“To do what you tell me to do.”
He sighed and stepped back, turning away from her and walking over to the tray he’d checked out when they’d entered the room.
She wasn’t sure how much she liked this room. It was on the cold side. There were none of the romantic trappings they’d had when they’d been in the dungeon of The Velvet Collar. Even earlier downstairs, there had been a softness to the place. Perhaps because she’d been surrounded by all those happy couples and singles who were perfectly comfortable with themselves. There had been a joy that had surrounded her.
Once again the idea of family played through her brain. It was a weird kinky family, but it was a family all the same. Beck’s family.
Beck got everything. Beck fucked her over and still managed to find a place in the world while she was left all alone.
That was not what she was thinking about tonight. She wasn’t thinking at all.
It would be so much easier if he would get on with it.
When he turned around he had what looked like earrings in his hands. “That’s because you don’t understand D/s. And maybe because neither one of us truly understood marriage.”
“I don’t want to talk about our marriage.”
If that bothered him, he didn’t show it. “D/s only works if it’s a two-way street. Now that two-way street might look different to a lot of people, but at the end of the day, an intimate, long-term D/s relationship has to be about both parties getting what they need and communicating about what those needs are. The Dominant works hard to meet the sub’s needs, and the sub does the same for the Dom. It’s not enough for the Dom to worship the sub. All that does is put the sub on a pedestal, and those tend to topple over. These are nipple clamps.”