by Harper, Ali
“Every time you’d restrict me from going out and meeting my friends. Every time you kept me locked up in this prison with nothing but my deceiving thoughts and you wolves for company. Every time I cried at night and you’d walk by my room and we both know that you’re there. Every time you pause in the corridor my heart stops and I wonder is this the day? But every time I’m met with the same gut wrenching disappointment you never fail to endow. Not a single day goes by that one of you will remind me of how low, stupid, degenerate, worthless or even ugly I am! Every time you ignore me and tell me how no one wants to listen to your crap. Well here’s a newsflash for you; I don’t want to listen to any of your crap anymore! I EXIST! I AM STANDING IN FRONT OF YOU! I AM A HUMAN BEING!” she roared standing only inches away from Meredith’s quivering face.
“Pay me the common courtesy to at least leave with my head held high.” Sienna said quietly and moved to sit on her bed and put her black boots on.
“Not everything is black and white Sienna. People aren’t just good and bad.” Cora said defensively.
“Believe me I know. If I weren’t such a believer in all the wonderful shades of grey in between I would have left a long time ago. But I’m done. I’m done with all of this.” She sighed and wiped her tears. She had wasted enough tears on this sham of a family.
“Sienna come on, just think it through. Just stay and work it out.” Candice urged her gently but her mind was already made up. Sienna grabbed the small wad of savings from under her mattress from which she had earned over the year.
“Sienna I’m being serious where are you going to go? To Logan’s? ‘Cos you can’t just leave town, what about school?” she asked.
“I don’t know. I’ll figure it out. Just tell Annie…tell her I’m sorry.” Sienna replied and dragged her suitcase down the stairs leaving her family upstairs frozen and speechless by what had occurred.
9.
Sienna walked out of the only place she had called home for sixteen years and felt a mixture of relief and fear. She shivered in the icy cold. Her foot made loud scrunching sounds as she tread on the thick inches of snow. She had a suitcase full of clothes, two hundred dollars in her pocket and an ache in her heart that throbbed for a reason Sienna didn’t quite understand. She walked down the dark empty streets past the houses, past the corner shops and dollar stores and found herself walking on the edge of the road dragging her navy suitcase behind her. She had tried Logan’s phone numerous times but he failed to pick up. It was two o’clock in the morning, ‘he must be sleeping’, she thought with a heavy heart.
But deep down Sienna wondered if that were true. He was the lightest sleeper. He always had been ever since they were young. She remembered one time in the seventh grade when they went to summer camp, the girl’s cabin tried to TP the boy’s cabin, and Logan was always the first up and after them. Sienna often teased him about his Vulcan hearing. He would always reply with “Talk to the hand” and showing the classic Star Trek symbol with his fingers. Her heart swelled just thinking about him. It eased her pain. Sienna’s injured foot was affecting her more than she had realized. Just as she was limping down the side of the road all the scary hitchhiker movies she had watched came flooding back to her.
She had always ridiculed the dumb teenagers in films who naively jumped in to some hillbilly’s car and ended up as his lunch or worse desert. Sienna gulped and decided she would stop at the next gas station and reassess the situation. Other than Logan Sienna didn’t really have any friends, she had either grown apart from the, pushed them away in her depression or they had avoided her like Rose. Sienna missed Rose at that moment. She knew her ex-best friend had they still been even amicable friends then she would have picked her up and given her a couch to sleep on. She looked up at the stormy sky. There wasn’t a single star in sight. That was odd. Instead she found the moon covered and getting suffocated and muffled by the floating clouds. The moon looked sad, miserable in fact.
“Hello, Logan Jackson’s phone.” A girlish voice purred through the phone. Sienna could hear her giggling and the sound of music and lots of people behind her. They sounded like they were at a bar.
“Helloooo?” she said in a singsong tune reminding Sienna that she still hadn’t spoken. “Er, hi. This is Sienna calling. Would you mind passing the phone to him please?” Sienna asked politely resisting the urge to sound like a needy possessive girlfriend and adding “his girlfriend”.
“Its Sienna. What should I say?” She heard her ask as if she were talking to someone. “Hey, I’m sorry Logan’s just ran off to the bathroom. Should I pass on a message?” she asked airily. “No, its fine. Who are you by the way?” Sienna asked unable to keep a lid on her curiosity. A long pause followed. Sienna looked at her cell to see if the other girl was still on the line.
“Erm, I’m just an old friend of his.” She replied hesitantly. An old friend? Sienna was his oldest friend. She knew almost all of his friends. Surely she would have recognized this voice.
“He’s there isn’t he?” Sienna asked looking up at the lonely moon smothered with overbearing grey clouds. She could hear rustling and Logan’s voice muffled on the other side before the line cut abruptly. Her heart sank as she closed her stinging eyes. She felt moisture drop down her cheeks, for once it wasn’t her own tears, it was the night sky pouring down heavy droplets of rain echoing her emotions. Great. Just what she needed. She dragged her suitcase behind and continued to walk as a couple of cars drove by. Sienna walked and walked until she had finally reached her destination; Haven Falls train station. She dragged her suitcase all the way up the platform and sat on a bench resigned. All the while her phone vibrated in her pocket ceaselessly. She knew it was Logan no doubt trying to call her and weasel his way back to her with his lies.
Sienna knew Logan had a big heart. He enjoyed being a teenager, being reckless and having fun just as teenagers did. Did he really need her bringing him down with all her baggage? With the voices in her head, the migraines, the nosebleeds, the insomnia, the rapid mood changes, with her childhood tales of emotional, psychological and even physical abuse. No one wanted to hear that. It’s just depressing. Logan was bright and luminous and shone like the sun. She was nothing but a grey cloud everyone wished would disappear. He enjoyed the company of others and bathed in the attention and affection he received from the opposite sex.
Sienna didn’t blame the girls. How could she? Logan was everything she wasn’t, he was outspoken, brazen, strong and confident and females of all ages flocked to him like moths to a flame. She was nothing more than a shy anxious girl already beaten down by life. She needed him. ‘He doesn’t need me.’ She thought sadly. “And he most certainly doesn’t love me. How could he? I wouldn’t love me.” She murmured out loud.
She looked around at the empty train station. The platform was eerily quiet.
“Is it really any surprise that he’s fooling around with some other girl when I need him most?” she asked herself and wiped her eyes with a Kleenex.
“No.” she answered. Meredith was right. Sienna was pathetic and stupid, stupid to believe in fairy tales and Disney movies that let Cinderella go to the ball, marry Prince Charming and swan off to the palace leaving the evil stepsisters and stepmom behind for good. This was reality. There were no happy endings for people like Sienna. She was a fool forever hoping there was. The crazy people never got the guy or the girl. They just ended up in white stiff jackets and in a padded cell. The rain continued to pour down drenching her completely. Thunder rumbled in the distance followed by a flash of lightening. Sienna looked at her phone. She had dozens of missed calls from Logan and voicemails. What surprised her more was there was one missed call from her mother. Maybe she did care after all? Logan was ringing her again. She wiped the rain off of her phone with her sweater sleeve as she walked to the other side of the platform where the roof shielded her from the torrential rain. She realized that she had accidentally answered the phone much to her annoyance. She was just about to hang up
but reluctantly changed her mind and put it to her ear.
“I know you must be so mad at me right now but trust me. It’s not at all what you think. Her name is-“ he said hastily as if he tried to spew out all of his words in the shortest amount of time possible before she could get the chance to hang up the phone.
“I don’t care.” She retorted instantly and clenched the phone tighter in her hand. “Trust me, she means nothing. I don’t like her in that way at all. She’s like a sister to me for God’s sake!” he explained sounding exasperated.
“Well, what are you doing with her this time of the night?” she asked disbelievingly. The thunder roared some more in the background. “We were just talking. Catching up. I swear that was it.”
“How do you even know her?” Sienna inquired wondering whom this mystery girl was. “That’s not important. What’s important is where are you? I swung by your house just now and your mom said she thought you were with me. She said you left home.” he said confused. Sienna didn’t say anything. She didn’t know what to say. She held the phone to her chest for a second wondering what to say.
“I’m going away.” She replied and wiped that treacherous tear from her face.
“What? Sienna I can’t hear you.” He said as a freight train went past.
“I said I’m going away. I’m leaving Haven Falls, for good.” She told him with more certainty in her voice.
“I’m going to go somewhere, somewhere far away, somewhere I can’t hurt you, disappoint you or let you down.” She wept.
“Sienna, what are you talking about? You could never hurt me or ever disappoint me. Just calm down and think about what you’re doing for a second.” He said quickly. His pulse skyrocketed as he raced down the empty streets looking for her frantically.
“You deserve better than me. I don’t want to hold you back from enjoying life and having fun. All I’ll do is bring you down with me. I want you to be happy. So I’m going to let you go.” She said her voice trembling with emotion.
“Sienna please don’t-“ Logan began speaking but she was done listening and past reasoning with.
“Goodbye Logan.” she gasped and cut the line unable to contain her heart wrenching sobs. A homeless man from across the other side of one of the platforms looked over at her with big pitying eyes. The old scruffy faced hunchbacked man with the street for a home and a bottle of vodka for mouthwash and sustenance pitied her. Sienna had somehow managed to find herself in an all time low. The lightning struck again. It was getting closer. She leaned against the wall. Her legs were too tired to carry her anymore. She sank to the floor and wrapped her arms around her head. She was supposed to be free, liberated and giddy with relief and happiness. She had finally stuck up for herself to her family. She had finally taken control of her situation yet she felt so unimaginably helpless. She had never felt more alone.
“You’re like a black hole, you suck all the light and good and happiness away from people.” She heard Meredith sneer in her ear. Sienna immediately cowered away and covered her ears.
“You’re nothing but a cancer cell gorging away at me from the inside out. Mutating me from this happy person in to this bitter angry shadow of a human. I never wanted you. You’ve brought me nothing but pain, misery and disappointment!” her mother yelled as she stood towering over her. She closed her eyes.
“You’re not real. You’re not real.” She whispered to herself.
“You’re nothing but a bastard child who ripped this family apart limb from limb. I could barely look at you when you were born. Sometimes I can barely look at you now. I barely tolerate you.” Her father’s voice bellowed in her right ear. She still had her eyes clenched shut and her fingers in her ears yet she couldn’t get the sounds out of her head.
“That’s not true!” she cried. Her palms were clammy with cold sweat. In fact she felt frighteningly cold one second then feverishly hot the next. What’s happening to me? She thought despairingly and squirmed around on the floor uncomfortably. She slowly stood up. Her mind was spinning all over the place. It took a few seconds for the world to stop whirling around. “What did I do?” she asked meekly. There was no response. She looked up at the sky and walked out in to the hammering rain.
“I SAID WHAT DID I DO?” she shouted angrily her chest heaving with emotion. “What do you want from me? Huh? What do I have to do for you to get over your vendetta against me?” she yelled putting her hands up in the air. The lightning struck the roof of where she was standing just seconds ago. She could see the homeless man from the corner of her eye slowly bundling down the platform away from her. She didn’t blame him although she didn’t think crazy was contagious.
“YOU WANT MY LIFE? TAKE IT! IT’S YOURS! I NEVER WANTED IT ANYWAY!” she screamed the anguish clear in her voice and jumped on to the train tracks. “I never asked for this,” she bawled as she looked in the far distance she could see a yellow colored freight train coming her way.
“SIENNA!” Logan called from the opposite platform.
“Get off the tracks!” he yelled. She had never seen him move so fast as he jumped on the tracks next to her. He was the quarterback after all. The sound of the train whistling was relatively louder now. The train was still coming; the distance between them was growing shorter and shorter by the second. He grabbed her arms and looked at her as if he were about to throw her over his shoulder and haul her ass out of the train station.
“No!” she screamed and struggled in his firm grip.
“What are you doing here? You’re not supposed to be here!” she gasped as the train conductor finally noticed the couple on the tracks and began blaring and blowing his horn loudly.
“I swear to God, I’ll throw you on to the platform myself if you don’t move. NOW!” he said his dark eyes furious. His jaws clenched. She had never seen him so unnerved yet frighteningly intimidating. He didn’t know whether to kiss her or slap some sense in to her. What was she thinking? How could she do this to him? ‘Doesn’t she know what she means to me?’ He thought frantically. She finally broke from his grip and took a defiant step backwards. The train had to be only roughly a hundred feet away now.
“You won’t find your God anywhere here. Don’t you see Logan? I’m cursed. I’m damned. You weren’t supposed to be here! You’re not supposed to see this. Logan, you have to understand this is what I want!” she said her tears freefalling down her achingly beautiful face. Her heart thrummed rapidly as she saw the look of hurt in his face.
“Please, Sienna I am begging you don’t do this.” He said and took a step forward and held on to her wrists gently. Seventy feet away.
“I’m tired. I’m tired of all the noise. I’m tired of the voices in my head. I’m tired of disappointing everyone. I’m tired of all the pain. The heartbreak. I just can’t take it anymore Logan; I just can’t take it anymore. I need it all to stop.” Her voice broke as she spoke barely above a whisper. He had never seen anyone so distressed and tortured before in his life and it broke his heart to see the pain and anguish in the eyes of the first girl he had ever loved. Fifty feet.
He could hear a couple of people rushing in to the station shouting at them to get off the train tracks but he ignored them and never let his eyes leave those precious emerald eyes he adored so much. It was like it was just the two of them alone left in the world, and she wanted to leave him. Logan looked at her and wondered how someone so beautiful could be so oblivious to their own beauty, how someone so smart could be so foolish to the extent of their own intellect and how someone so loving and compassionate could ever think she wasn’t worthy of love?
It was like watching a blind man trapped and wandering aimlessly and helplessly in a scorching hot desert unable to see the small puddle of water that lay just a foot away. The only difference was that she had eyes. Two beautiful ones, yet she could not see. Is that what madness was? Was it to be able to view and appreciate every form of beauty but to be blind to the value and exquisiteness of one’s own? Logan believed in many fo
rms of insanity but he knew in that instant watching her trembling frame on the train tracks that hers, that her illness, surpassed any clinical or psychological term known. Maybe she did suffer from depression or bipolar or schizophrenia. Who knew? All he was certain of in that moment that she suffered from no greater illness than the blindness of the heart.
“This world is designed to break your heart but that’s why you have me. Sienna I love you more than I ever thought was humanly possible. I know I’ve never said it aloud and I know you don’t believe me, but you are loved.” He shouted with such conviction in his voice that she almost believed him. Twenty feet. The horn blew and grew louder and louder.
“You don’t mean it. You’re just saying that and I know that because you have the biggest heart in the world and you want to save everybody. You can’t save me. You can’t fix me. I’m too broken.” She wept and moved her hands up to his face and kissed him quickly. She could taste the salt of their tears. She had never seen him cry before and it pained her even more to see him so wounded. She took a step back away from him. This issued more frantic yelling in the background from the homeless guy, train conductor and the railroad engineer. This was it. Ten feet.