by Sophia Gray
“Except for, like, the five minutes when he actually needed to pay attention to you,” I growled.
Angel shrunk back. “Trey, please!” Her voice was rising to a hysterical fever pitch. “Trey, I don’t know what it is you’re doing but you need to stop!”
“That’s right,” I snarled back at her. “You have no idea what it is that I’m doing, because it’s none of your business, Angel.”
Angel’s eyes got wide and she backed away. A flush was rising on her pale cheeks and I could tell she was getting more heated with every passing second. She waved her hands in the air, gesturing wildly. “Trey, you have a family now,” Angel pleaded. “Don’t you see that? You have me! You have Chuckie! Our son. Remember? You’re his father, Trey. Why don’t you start acting like it?”
A small, rational part of me knew Angel was just trying to make a point but I couldn’t help the rage that was building slowly in my chest. If it hadn’t been for her, and her parents, and her goddamned wealthy upbringing, this wouldn’t be happening. Angel and I would have stayed together and raised Chuckie the way he should have been raised from the beginning. I may never have gotten involved with the MC, but I sure as hell could have put Angel through school. Maybe she’d even be some kind of famous scientist or artist by now if she hadn’t had to work so damn hard. The oddest mix of rage and betrayal swirled through my body.
“Leave me alone,” I mumbled. “I don’t want to be around you right now. If you keep pushing me, I’m gonna say a lot of bad shit, Angel.” I stalked past her and pushed her to the side.
Angel let out this hurt little gasp and dug her fingers into my arm. The skinny digits felt like they were made of ice. “Trey, please listen to me!” Angel jumped in front of me and stared deep in my eyes. She was wearing heels and she was tall, almost as tall as I was. Her green eyes flared and sparked with anger. “Think of us! Think of your family!” She pleaded at me with her eyes. “Trey, you have a family now. You can’t jeopardize our safety for the sake of some stupid fight! Come on, think about it!”
An electric shock of anger went sliding though my body. I couldn’t believe she had the nerve to pin this on me when she was the one who had left. I couldn’t even think clearly anymore, and all traces of the rational Trey left my body. Before I even knew what I was saying, I turned on Angel and raised my voice as loudly as I could without actually yelling. “Do you understand what you’re saying?”
Angel blinked at me; she didn’t answer.
I continued, “You’re the one who left me, don’t you remember? And it’s pretty fucking rich of you to rub it in my nose that I have a family now,” I snarled, getting close to Angel’s face. The blood drained from underneath her skin, leaving her pale and featureless. “You never told me about Chuckie! He’s my goddamn son and you never told me about him!”
Angel’s nostrils flared. I was so mad I wanted to walk out of the room and never see that fucking hypocrite woman ever again. She didn’t have the courage to dignify me with a response.
“You never told me about Chuckie because you didn’t think I was good enough to be his father. You didn’t think I was good enough for you either. That’s why you fucking left me, isn’t it? That’s the real reason! It had nothing to do with your precious little Mom and Daddy!”
I knew I should just shut the fuck up but I couldn’t, the anger was building too strongly and I wanted to hurt Angel with everything in me. I wanted to make her feel the pain and abandonment I’d carried around for almost ten years. I wanted her to know just how fucking badly she’d really hurt me. I wanted to hurt her. I wanted to see her cry. I wanted to see her break down and admit she’d been wrong, that she was responsible for the way everything had turned out. I imagined the words coming from her lips: they would feel good, like warm butter. I closed my eyes.
“I want to hear you tell me you fucked this up,” I said in a soft, low voice. Keeping my eyes trained on Angel, I watched her every movement. “I want to hear you tell me, Angel. I want to hear it from your fucking lips, you got that, honey?” I put extra emphasis on the last word just to hurt her.
Angel opened her mouth to speak but no words came out. I knew I was past the point of no return, that none of this shit mattered anymore. It didn’t matter what else I said, as long as I’d threatened Angel like I had, she’d never wanna talk to me again. Hell, she probably wouldn’t even want to see me after this.
“Tell me,” I said, deadly serious. “Tell me you fucked up. Tell me I wasn’t good enough, Angel. Tell me I’m still not good enough for you or your fucking son!”
Angel didn’t answer. Her lower lip trembled and I could sense that she was about to start crying.
“You can’t say it,” I continued in the same level tone. “You can’t admit it because you know it’s the truth, Angel. Well, you wanna know the real truth?”
Angel shifted her gaze to the floor and I watched as hot tears spilled from her lids and ran down her pale cheeks. Something vicious and angry twisted up my guts and I slammed my fist into the wall.
“The real truth is I don’t have a fucking family, Angel! I haven’t had a family since the moment you left me almost ten goddamn years ago! You ruined this for me, you got that? Do you fucking understand?!”
I hadn’t been this angry in years and it was spilling out of me like water from a busted dam. The more I ranted, the angrier I felt. It was coursing through my veins like molten lava. Just like a volcano, the more I exploded, the more passionate I felt.
“Go on, cry,” I said dismissively. Angel looked at me with wide, frightened eyes. I shook my head in disgust. She was fucking pathetic. She couldn’t even own up to ruining both of our goddamn lives. “Fucking cry!” I screamed loudly. “Fucking cry and pretend that’s gonna make everything better! Cry and pretend like Chuckie won’t grow up hating you for making him live without a dad! Sure thing, Angel, I’m sure it’s all going to be just fine!”
The last words came out as a growl and Angel crumped in on herself, falling to the floor and burying her face in her pale hands.
Chapter 18
Angel
I was in a daze as Trey stood in front of me, yelling until I’d fallen to the floor and covered my eyes with my hands. My whole body was shaking and I wished I could have melted and fallen into the floor. The more he yelled, the more upset I felt. It wasn’t fair, what he was saying! It wasn’t true!
“I never thought you weren’t good enough for me,” I said in a quavering voice. It was the first phrase I’d uttered in ten minutes.
Trey immediately stopped yelling and stared at me with wide blue eyes. “I don’t believe you,” he scoffed. “Tell me the truth, Angel. Tell me the fucking truth, you got that?”
“That is the truth,” I insisted. “I always loved you, Trey.”
“That doesn’t mean shit,” Trey snapped. “If you really loved me, you wouldn’t have fucking left!”
His words stung, even more than any of the previous accusations he’d lobbed at me. “That isn’t true,” I said, my voice stronger than before. Trey kept his eyes glued to me as I peeled myself off the floor and stood upright, albeit shakily. Suddenly, I was aware of the incredible sexual tension in the room between us. I could have sliced it clean through with a knife.
“So?” Trey glared at me. “If that ain’t different, tell me otherwise. Tell me, Angel. I need to fucking know.”
I shook my head. “It wasn’t like that, Trey.”
Trey blew a stream of air out between his lips. “Enlighten me, then,” he snapped. “Tell me what the fucking truth really is, then, Angel.”
I blushed. “My parents hated you,” I said softly. Even just the mention of Mom and Daddy made my heart racer even faster in my chest. “They didn’t like you, and they didn’t want you around me.”
“Well that’s fucking obvious!” Trey roared. He crossed his arms over his chest and glared at me. “What else, detective?”
I bit my lip. I was getting sick of his shitty attitude, even
though I probably deserved it. “My father threatened to hurt you if I didn’t leave you alone,” I said softly. “It was the night of my eighteenth birthday. You know that, Trey. But what I don’t get is why didn’t you come back.” Remembering this was the most painful thing of all. “Daddy told me he was going to hurt you, but then you could have still called me! I was an adult! I could have run away with you!” Bringing this up made all of the hurt from the past seem fresh and new and before long, a fresh wave of sobs had hit me. I sniffled and cried and stared at Trey’s unforgiving blue eyes.
“I did,” Trey said flatly. “I showed up the next morning and there was some fucking muscle in the driveway who tried to threaten me and pay me off. Then your mother came out and told me to leave you alone. She said you didn’t want to see me, and she told me if I didn’t leave, she’d call the police.”
Trey’s revelation hit me like a ton of bricks. All of these years, I had just supposed he’d stayed away because he’d wanted to stay away. I thought he never wanted to be around me again, and that was why he’d left and never come back. I’d always thought it was my fault for pissing him off that night, for not taking him seriously when he said he wanted to impress my parents. Now I realized just how very wrong I’d actually been.
“And then what?” Trey’s eyes bored holes into my body. “Then what happened, Angel?”
I blinked. “I couldn’t get in touch with you,” I said softly. “And then Mom and Daddy threw me out. I was on my own with Chuckie for years and years, Trey. They never even called.” The sting of being abandoned was coming back stronger than ever and I had to wipe away a few tears as I remembered just how painful it had felt to be pregnant and alone.
“Why didn’t you tell me about Chuckie?” Trey looked angry again. “You didn’t think it was worth it to make sure he grew up with a father? You didn’t think that would be important to him, or to me?”
“I didn’t know,” I said softly. The room went silent, dead. Trey blinked at me. It was obvious he’d never even considered that possibility. “I didn’t know for about a month,” I added. “But when I knew, when I found out…” I sighed heavily. “I wanted to contact you. But Mom and Daddy forbade it. They wanted me to have an abortion. When I refused, that’s when they threw me out.”
Trey swallowed loudly. He didn’t say anything. The reality, the pain of the situation was crashing down around my shoulders and I felt traumatized. But I was also feeling strangely calm and peaceful inside, like the country air right after a big thunderstorm. I was feeling more levelheaded and rational than I had in days, and it felt good, but kind of scary. It was like I was capable of anything, like I could walk away right then and there and be done with Trey forever. Sure, it would be a huge sacrifice. And I would be miserable. But then at least I wouldn’t have to live with the constant memory of my mistakes, my mistakes that were apparently too egregious for Trey to forgive me.
He didn’t say anything. I still felt empowered, bold. When I crossed my arms over my chest and drew myself up to my full height, he looked almost afraid. His blue eyes were full of regret.
“I’m leaving,” I said softly. “If you don’t care about me and Chuckie, then there’s no way we could be liabilities for you. Thanks for your hospitality, Trey.”
Inside, I was begging him to stop me. I wanted him to stop me right in my tracks and grab my arms and press his mouth to mine. I wanted Trey to stand in front of me, barring the way, until I was forced to surrender to my desire for him. Even now, in the aftermath of the most heated argument we’d ever experienced, I couldn’t deny I still wanted him more than ever.
But he didn’t stop me. I walked down the hallway on unsteady feet and made my way into the room Chuckie had chosen. Our clothes were scattered all over the floor and I had to suppress a wave of anxious nausea as I leaned down to grab the bags. Chuckie was almost out of school, and he’d be here soon. If I hurried, I could manage to pack before he got home.
Home. But this isn’t really home, is it? I looked around, suddenly feeling dazed. I perched on the edge of the bed and stared up at the ceiling. The big house was silent. A lump formed in my throat when I realized Trey must not have cared, because if he cared, he would be stopping me. Don’t sit here and cry like a pathetic fool, I thought. You know that isn’t going to change shit. Trey doesn’t love you, and he doesn’t want to be a father to Chuckie. You had your chance to find him and you blew it, Angel. Time to move on.
Except, deep down, I knew I’d never really be able to move on. I swallowed hard and wiped away some stray tears. Time to pack, Angel, I reminded myself after checking the clock. Chuckie’ll be home soon, and then you’ll both have to go.
I carelessly threw things into a bag. All in all, it only took about twenty minutes to pack. For all the meaningful things that had happened in the past few days, I felt remarkably non-permanent here. And it was true, I was. I now realized how big of a mistake I’d made in thinking I understood Trey. After all, I barely knew him anymore. He obviously wasn’t the same man he’d been, and he wasn’t the same person I’d known. He’d changed. He’d changed enough to run an MC and buy a big house and basically live up to all of the dreams he’d had for himself back in the day. But there was no woman who was part of the equation.
I wasn’t naïve. I knew Trey hadn’t been celibate since we broke up. And besides, I’d really only been like that out of choice. I could have dated if I’d wanted to, even with Chuckie. But I hadn’t wanted to. Trey had broken me. He’d changed the mold and let the hot metal overflow. No, I wasn’t ever going to be the same again. And we weren’t going to be together. Trey had made that glaringly obvious.
Getting down on my hands and knees, I searched under the bed for forgotten panties or one of Chuckie’s shoes. There wasn’t anything there but dust. I imagined how I looked from above: like a silly woman crawling around on the floor. I knew I was acting crazy. But what else was I supposed to do? I’d been uprooted from my quiet, boring life and thrust back into the action with Trey.
The thought of going back to my empty house filled me with a loneliness that I couldn’t even begin to tackle. There was more than that, though. There was also an odd feeling of shame, like I wouldn’t be able to face my life. I couldn’t deal with Lindsey’s inquiring looks, or with Chuckie’s questions about the “man who took care of us.”
I heard footsteps in the hallway, too light to be Trey’s. Before I could move, the door swung open and Chuckie threw himself at my body, hugging my legs tightly. I reached down and ruffled his brown hair, pasting a weak smile on my face.
“Hi, sweetie. Did you have a good day?”
Chuckie nodded excitedly. “I made something for Trey!” He threw his backpack to the ground and dug around in the main compartment, eventually coming up with a little dinosaur made out of clay. “It’s for him, Mom! You think he’ll like it?” Chuckie’s big blue eyes pleaded up at me in the same way Trey’s used to. “I spent so much time on it, Mom!”
“I can tell, honey,” I said, my mind racing for a quick and painless way to tell Chuckie he couldn’t give Trey anything. Because he didn’t care about us, and he never would.
Unfortunately, just as I opened my mouth, Trey stepped in the doorway. He gave Chuckie a tentative smile. Chuckie, all energy and smiles a few seconds ago, ducked behind my legs and clung to my jeans. My heart broke for him; he was so shy, and he was just about to discover that his newly beloved friend, Trey, was someone who never wanted to see him or his mommy ever again.
“Hey there, little buddy,” Trey said. He smiled at Chuckie.
When he looked up to my face, I turned away. A mixture of shame and anger filled my body and I felt my posture brace and become more defensive.
“Hi,” Chuckie said softly. Before I could stop him, he pushed past me and stared at Trey. “I made you something today.”
“You don’t have to take it,” I said quickly. “I mean, if you don’t want it.”
Trey frowned. He crouched down so
he was at Chuckie’s height and a bolt of tenderness and desire shot through my body at the sight of my former lover smiling at our son. “Of course I want it,” Trey said. He tried to meet my eyes but I looked away. There were several excruciating seconds of silence. I cleared my throat and looked away as Trey turned towards Chuckie. “Chuckie, what is it?”
Chuckie stumbled shyly over to Trey and pulled out the clay dinosaur. Even from a distance, I could tell he’d taken a lot of care with the figure and it was well designed, especially from an eight-year-old.
“Wow, buddy,” Trey breathed. “This is so cool! Thank you,” he said, beaming. Chuckie grinned and I felt some of the tension in my belly melt. “May I speak with your mom for a minute?”
Chuckie nodded, then bolted out of the room. “I’m going to get a snack!” Chuckie cried as he ran down the hallway. “Last one to the kitchen is a rotten egg!”
I blushed. “I’m sorry about that,” I said quietly. “I didn’t know he would actually give that to you. You can give it here,” I said, holding out my hand. “I won’t tell him.”