But I know it’s not in there.
The final bell rings and I go to my teacher’s desk, asking if I can go get my book since I forgot it in my locker. He hands over the hall pass and I run back out into the empty hallway, thankful Lauren’s not lurking around anymore with her little group.
I go to my locker and open the door quickly, noticing the folded piece of white paper caught in the door vents. My heart picks up speed as I pluck it from its spot and carefully unfold the paper behind the still-open door.
There’s only one sentence scrawled across the middle of the otherwise blank paper, in slashing black script.
You look pretty today.
Lifting my head, I glance around the hall, wondering who left it, and when. Was it some creeper preparing to give me grief over the threesome rumors? I don’t recognize the handwriting. And I don’t know why anyone would leave me a note. Jordan and I have talked. He picked me up from work when my Yo Town shift was over and we chatted on the drive home, but we kept it easy. I felt like I was hanging out with a friend, not my boyfriend.
Not that he’s my boyfriend. I can’t make that claim yet.
I grab my book and slam the locker door, the metal clang reverberating throughout the otherwise empty hallway. The overhead speakers click on and the student body president starts the morning announcements, and I cringe, praying he doesn’t say anything about the weekend rumors.
Not that he would. I’m just totally overreacting.
I look at the note once more as I head back to class, rereading the words. I guess it could be Jordan who wrote the note, but I’m not sure. Maybe it was some jerk hoping to rattle me. It could’ve been anyone really. Maybe even Lauren, though I don’t know why she’d do this sort of thing. Without thought, I crumple the paper into the palm of my hand and I drop the balled up note in the trashcan as I pass by.
The morning passes with little fanfare, which works for me. Livvy tries to convince me to hang out in the quad at lunch with her and Ryan, but there was no way I could show my face there. Lauren would gloat and say something awful. Some of the cruder boys from the football team might make comments I don’t want to hear. And I have no idea where Jordan is. I haven’t heard from him all morning. No passing by him in the halls, no texts, no Snapchats.
Nothing.
So I hide out during lunch in the library like old times. It’s cloudy outside and the wind has picked up, so I’m glad I’m not out in the quad.
I’d rather be by myself.
“I figured I’d find you hiding out in here,” Em says when she approaches my table, pulling out the chair on the opposite of my table and settling in.
“Why don’t you join me?” I say sarcastically as I tear open a bag of kettle chips. My baby carrots and ranch are long gone.
“Can I have one?” Em asks, nodding at the chips.
I point the opened bag toward her. “Be my guest.”
She takes a few and shoves them all in her mouth, chomping loudly. She’s so loud, I’m afraid the librarian can hear her and we’re clear in the back of the room.
When she remains silent, I can’t take it anymore. “Are you going to ask me if the rumors are true?”
“No.” She smiles. “Because I know they’re not.”
I frown. “How do you know?”
“I was with Cannon on Friday night. In his room.” Her smile grows. “He’s definitely not interested in you.”
Ha. Since he’s interested in her. At least she finally realizes it. “So you two are together?”
“Oh, no. I don’t tie myself down with anyone.” She waves a hand, dismissing my statement. “I’ve learned attachments are for stupid people who don’t know any better.”
I think she just insulted me, but I’m going to choose to ignore it. “Well, let me just say it before you do. The rumors are bad.”
“They’ll blow over soon enough. There’s more juicy gossip to be had. For instance, I’m sure people would love to know that a certain freshman is going around campus soliciting blowjobs before, during and after school.”
My mouth drops open. “Who are you talking about?”
“Eli Bennett, of course. That boy is desperate to get laid.” Em starts laughing. “He even asked me to blow him, but I turned him down.”
“Em!” I say her name way too loud. I actually hear the shush of the librarian, so I lower my voice. “Are you serious right now?”
She shrugs. “Totally. He asked me last week. Led up to it by sending me dick pics on Snapchat. I screen shot one. Wanna see?”
Em’s pulling out her phone and I lunge across the table, batting at her hands. “I absolutely do not want to see that picture. No way.”
“You’re no fun.” She mock pouts as she shoves her phone back into her backpack. “Not that any dick pic is good to check out. They’re all sort of funny looking, don’t you think?”
“Definitely.” This of course, makes me think of Jordan’s. I didn’t think it was so hideous. But there’s nothing about him that’s hideous, so…
“Not that you know much about dicks, am I right? You’re still a virgin.” When I feel my ears burn with embarrassment she starts to laugh. “I knew it. That’s what’s so great about this rumor. You’re a tramp/slut/whore who lets two jock boyfriends tag team you all night long. It’s so ridiculous, it’s almost amusing.”
“Yeah. Real amusing.” I cross my arms and slump in my chair.
Em’s laughter dies. “Oh, come on. You’ll be fine. Have you heard the rumors they spread about me? At least they don’t call you a hooker who does it for actual money. They’ve even said Livvy’s mom’s boyfriend is my pimp.”
I frown. “How did he get drawn into your rumors?” Fine, I’ve heard the many rumors they spread about Em, but I blew them all off. How much of that can be true? Now that I’m dealing with my own outrageous story, I know the answer is pretty much none of it.
“There was that really short period of time when my parents took my car away from me? Do you remember that?” When I give her a blank look, she continues. “Well, anyway, I was walking home from school because no one would give me a ride, and he saw me and pulled over. Offered to take me home and so I went with him. I wasn’t going to say no. My feet were killing me.”
Just thinking about getting into a car alone with Fitch, Livvy’s mom’s boyfriend, gives me the creeps. He’s strange. He gives off this weird vibe that Livvy says she can’t trust. She wouldn’t take a ride from him, even if it was the last ride in the world. Yet Em climbs into his car alone with him like it’s no big deal.
“I can’t believe you did that,” I tell her.
“Yeah, well, I regret ever taking that ride because it blew up into this stupid rumor around school and I never did figure out who started it,” Em complains.
“That’s awful.”
She shrugs. “I know it’s hard dealing with the bullshit, but welcome to high school! It’s not perfect. Not like it was when you were hanging out with your nerdy band friends and contemplating letting that guy feel you up or not in the back of the bus on the way home from an away game. Nah, this is way more hardcore. A lot more like real life, you know?” Em’s eyes light up as she’s talking. I think she’s loving this. The fact that all the new, nasty rumors around school have nothing to do with her. It’s like she’s offering up advice to me, the newbie, while she’s the old, wise one.
My appetite leaves me at her depressing words, and when I offer the bag of chips to Em she snatches it up. “How do you get past it? All the rumors that swirl around you? Don’t they all just make you want to crawl into a hole somewhere far away and die?”
“Nah. You can’t deal with it like that. You’re just setting yourself up to fail. When you hide, you look so damn guilty everyone thinks the rumors must be true,” Em explains.
“So what should I do if I were you?”
“You hold your head up high while you stroll down the hall and own that shit. Seriously, it’s no big deal. You act like yeah, I
did it. So what? And when you’re like that, they don’t know what to say, or how to deal. They feel all awkward and stuff around you, and it’s great because you’ve totally ruined it for them.” Em shoves another handful of chips into her mouth and chomps on them gleefully. “So own it. Work it, girl. You’ve got nothing to lose and everything to gain.”
“What do you mean I have everything to gain?”
She leans across the table and talks low, like we’re co-conspirators in this crazy game. “Everyone knows who you are now. No more nerdy smart girl Amanda Winters who gets good grades and is tucked into bed every night by Mommy and Daddy. Now you’re the girl who took on Jordan Tuttle and broke his heart. You’re the girl who gets gang banged by the entire football team—”
“Hey, take that back! I haven’t heard that rumor.” And if I ever do, I know who started it.
“Semantics. Whatever.” She waves a hand. “Anyway, you’re the girl who has threesomes with Cannon Whittaker and Jordan Tuttle in the locker room while the coaches watch. I mean, the rumors I’m hearing are just outrageous. So outrageous, I don’t know who the hell would even believe them.”
“The way you talk, they sound pretty convincing.” My stomach is turning just thinking about all of this.
“Yeah, well, we know they’re not true. Your truth is what I just said.” Again she leans over the table, a giant smile on her face. “You really are the virginal ex-band nerd who broke Tuttle’s heart and somehow has him still panting over you. You are the sweet girl who gets straight As and all the teachers love you and you probably are tucked into bed every night by Mommy and Daddy.”
“That’s not true,” I start, but she cuts me off.
“It doesn’t matter. What matters is how scandalous you seem. And right now, you are leading the board for most scandalous, with me just behind you and Lauren Mancini a distant third.”
“Lauren? She’s on the most scandalous board?” Why am I even talking about this supposed board? It doesn’t even exist.
“Sure. She’s one of the girls who agreed to give Eli a blowjob.” When my mouth drops open, Em’s pointing at me, laughing her ass off. “See? You’re shocked. She wishes she was as bad as us.”
“But I’m not bad. And she’s way worse than me.”
“Nope, not right now, not in their eyes. You want my advice?” When I nod, she continues. “Own the moment. Run with it. Act like you own those two boys. We know the truth. And trust me, the rumors will eventually fade. They always do. Especially now that we have Eli out there creating all sorts of drama. He’s a rumor wet dream come true.” Em shakes her head and starts laughing all over again. “Got any more chips?”
“Nope, you ate them all.”
She crumples the chip bag in her hands and shoves it into the front pocket of her backpack. “Where’s Tuttle anyway? I haven’t seen him all day. I figured once he heard all the shit talk, he’d be knocking heads together by second period.”
The thought of him “knocking heads together” on my behalf warms my heart, which means I’m a sick, twisted person. “I haven’t seen him either. I hope he’s all right.”
Her eyes go wide. “You haven’t talked to him? At all?”
“Not today,” I say with a little shrug.
“Weird,” Em mutters, shaking her head. “He’s mysterious. I can’t figure him out.”
“What do you mean?”
“People may try and hide their true selves at this school, but it always comes out eventually. Always. But with Tuttle? I don’t know. The mystery is real with him. Where is he today? It’s a Monday. He should be in school. But he’s not. Why? Where does he go? What does he do?”
I’ve tried not to delve too deep into the mystery that is Jordan Tuttle for fear it would make him withdraw even further. He’s never been particularly open with me, and when he acts like he wants to say something, he always manages to mess it up.
“I don’t know. He does a lot of things I can’t explain.”
“Exactly. So we need to figure out what’s up with this dude.” Em taps her pursed lips with her index finger, staring off into space.
“We?” I raise my brows. “Are we going in on this together?”
“Don’t you need my help figuring out the mystery that is Jordan Tuttle? I mean, I could leave you on your own, but then you won’t have him figured out as quick if we put our heads together.”
I’m intrigued by her offer. But then again, I shouldn’t sneak around with Em and try to find out Jordan’s secrets—if he even has any. I should be open and honest and go straight to him when I have questions.
Though he doesn’t like to answer the tough questions. He either flat out changes the subject most of the time, or even acts like I never asked the question at all. That’s frustrating.
Maybe I should dig around into his background without him knowing so I can figure out exactly what he’s doing when he disappears. And he disappears a lot.
Too much.
“So you in?” Em asks after I’m quiet for a few minutes. “I know this is a touchy subject, especially if you two are dating again, or whatever you want to call it. But you know he’s never going to spill all his secrets to you.”
“Why do you say that? Why wouldn’t he?” I’m offended. I want him to tell me everything.
But wasn’t that the problem before? He’d get so tight-lipped when I tried to ask questions, when I tried to…act like a caring girlfriend. He wouldn’t let anything slip. He has a façade, that Jordan Tuttle mask, and he knows how to put it on so much, I’m not sure if I’m dealing with the real Jordan or the fake one half the time.
It’s frustrating.
“Because he’s probably afraid you’ll hate him when you find out who he really is.” Em grins, but there’s so much sadness in her eyes. “Isn’t that what we all worry about?”
I don’t see Jordan all day. Not in English, not anywhere in the halls or in my other classes or even in the parking lot when school lets out. Only when I go to football practice after school and help Kyla set up the hydration station do I finally catch a glimpse of him out on the field running drills.
The relief that floods me at seeing him is almost overwhelming. I was worried. And now I’m kind of pissed that he ignored me all day, one of the worst days at school in my life. But how’s being angry at Jordan going to help matters? It’s not.
Just like he needs to learn how to trust me, I need to do the same.
“So the rumors are true,” Kyla finally says to me once we have everything set up. It feels like she’s been holding that question in for the last fifteen minutes, just dying to let it out.
“About what?” I ask warily. If she brings up the threesome rumor or worse, a gang bang story, I’m going to lose it.
“The black eye you’re sporting. Tuttle gave it to you, right? Or was it Cannon?” She glances out at the field to watch the boys run for a while before she turns to look at me. “They’re such jerks. Every single one of them. I hope you realize this by now.”
“Tuttle nailed me with his elbow, that’s all. It was an accident,” I tell her, rushing to Jordan’s defense. Feeling defensive at her bitter words. “And none of the rumors are true. Not a one.”
“Really?” She sounds doubtful.
I nod. “Do you really believe I’d involve myself in a threesome with Jordan and Cannon?”
Kyla bursts out laughing, her cheeks turning pink. “I’ve heard worse, so I don’t know.”
“You know me better than that. I wouldn’t get involved with something so…dirty.” I shiver just thinking about it. So gross. I can only handle one boy at a time, thank you very much. And the one I’m currently dealing with is a major handful.
“Sometimes things just happen, you know? You end up doing something you don’t want to, but you’re trying to be nice. You’re trying to get along with everyone. And please that one boy you like so much. But he doesn’t like you. Not like that.” Kyla’s voice drops and I step closer so I can hear her. She’s t
alking in a monotone and there’s no emotion on her face. None. “Yet you’ll do anything to make him happy. Including getting drunk and servicing his friends, because that’s what the cool girls do, right?”
Kyla bursts into tears when our gazes meet and then she’s running back to the girls’ locker room. Without hesitation I chase after her, the blood roaring in my ears, her words on repeat in my head.
Sometimes things just happen, you know?
God, what does she mean? I almost don’t want to know.
I find her in the locker room, collapsed on one of the benches that runs between the rows of lockers. I tentatively sit down next to her, noticing the way her shoulders shake. She’s crying. Great big heaving sobs that make me want to draw her into my arms and hold her close. Offer her lame words of comfort because they’re all I’ve got.
“Do you want to talk about it?” I finally ask her minutes later. I reach out and touch her shoulder gently, but I still manage to make her flinch. “Are you okay?”
Kyla sits up and tilts her head back, staring at the ceiling. “I’m fine.” She takes a deep breath and wipes at her eyes, but there’s still streaks of mascara running down her face. “It happened a long time ago.”
“How long?”
“Freshman year.” She draws in a shaky breath and I see the tears continue to slip down her cheeks.
“We don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to.”
“No.” Kyla turns to face me fully. “I should talk about it. None of the boys who did it to me are here anymore. They were all much older.”
I’m scared to ask. But I want to know. “Did they—rape you?”
“One of them d-did. The one I liked the most.” She lets her head hang, her hair falling in front of her face. “I was so young and he was so…I don’t know. Mature? Definitely more experienced. He knew just how to play me. And after it all happened, I heard I wasn’t the only one he did this to.”
Oh my God. I can’t even imagine. “Did you press charges?”
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