Megan inhaled sharply, the revelation a slap in the face. A baby. In this house.
Not hers.
“Congratulations,” Megan stammered, her voice shaking. “The room upstairs is perfect for a nursery.”
It would happen for her. Just not here. She couldn’t give up hope.
They said their goodbyes, and the door shut behind them with a finality that stung.
Trent squeezed Megan’s hand. “You okay?” he asked, helping her into his truck.
She nodded and shut the door. Tears pricked her eyes as she drove away from the home that was no longer theirs. But she refused to look back.
They weren’t giving up.
They threw back shakes and bottomless fries at Angie’s Restaurant before heading down the road. Though it was only six o’clock, darkness encompassed the landscape. Snow began to fall as they entered Sardine Canyon. At least she was driving Trent’s four-wheel drive pickup truck instead of the moving truck towing her car. She squinted through the snow, struggling to see Trent’s taillights up ahead. She hoped the moving truck would handle the snow well.
They were halfway to Brigham City when the pickup truck slowed, pulling to the right. Megan called Trent, irritation making her voice clipped. “I’m pulling over. Something’s wrong with the truck.”
Outside the snow fell heavily all around, coating her in seconds. The hazard lights clicked from the dashboard, grating on her nerves.
Trent appeared, flashlight in hand. “You’ve got a flat.”
Megan groaned. “Seriously?”
Trent pulled out the jack, positioning it under the truck. Megan knelt down beside him, trying to balance on the balls of her feet so her jeans wouldn’t get wet. She clutched the lug nuts in one frozen hand and a flashlight in the other, blinking snowflakes out of her eyelashes. Things would look better in the morning. If only they could leave behind their infertility as easily as they’d leave behind the difficulties of today. It wasn’t like this day could get any worse.
And that’s when the flashlight burned out.
Christina pulled her silver Lexus into the parking lot of Riverside Elementary and killed the engine. 7:30 a.m. on the dot. Weak sunlight illuminated the falling snow, and a thin layer of white blanketed the ground. Thank heaven she’d worn a coat with a hood. If her hair got wet, it would frizz, and that was the last thing she wanted with the principal conducting her yearly evaluation today.
Inside, she unlocked her classroom door and flipped on the lights, the smell of dry erase markers and disinfectant calming her nerves. Twenty-eight miniature chairs sat on top of twenty-eight miniature desks. Students’ artwork papered the walls and the carpet showed lines from the janitor’s vacuum. A brightly colored bulletin board featured commonly used phrases in both English and Spanish. Christina had spent hours making sure everything was perfect before school started in August, certain this would be her final year teaching. Now she wasn’t so sure.
Christina was placing reminders about the book drive in student cubbies when the click of heels made her pause. Stacey Applegate, a fellow first grade teacher, walked into the room, her long auburn ponytail bouncing with each step. A full smile, teeth and all, lit up her entire face.
“Good morning,” Christina said. Stacey had married over Christmas break and was still in the giggly newlywed stage that drove Christina nuts. Stacey would get over the newness of marriage soon enough.
Stacey bounced on the balls of her feet as her hair continued to swish. If she wasn’t careful, her cheeks would split from all that smiling.
Christina dropped a slip of paper into the last cubby and gave Stacey her full attention. “What’s up?”
“I’m pregnant!” Stacey let out a squeal, wrapping her arms around Christina. “Ohmigosh, can you believe it? Me!”
Christina’s feet were cemented to the berber carpet as rocks tumbled in her stomach. Mechanically, she returned Stacey’s embrace. “Congratulations.” Christina winced, hearing the jealousy in her voice. Hopefully Stacey didn’t. “When did you find out?”
Stacey’s smile grew impossibly wider. “Yesterday after school. I was like a day late and fah-reaking out because that never happens, and T.J. said to take a test, and I did, and it was positive. It was a total surprise too. I’m on the pill and everything, but sometimes I forget to take it. I’m not very far along, and we haven’t been married a long time like you and Gary, and it wasn’t exactly planned, but we’re excited.”
Christina gave Stacey her best fake smile. Stacey was so . . . young. Barely twenty-two, although her maturity level was more concerning than her actual age. The first year of marriage was hard enough, and now Stacey was pregnant on top of everything else? Just like that?
“I’m happy for you,” Christina said. “How are you feeling?”
“So far so good. I haven’t puked yet or anything if that’s what you mean. I made an appointment with the doctor, and they don’t need to see me until eight weeks, and since I’m not even five, it’s going to be a while.”
Well, wasn’t she lucky. She’d probably bypass morning sickness entirely. Why did Stacey’s body function perfectly, when Christina’s screwed up more often than not? She continued to smile, nodding and feigning pleasure at the news.
Maybe she had no reason to be jealous. She was three days late. At least, she was pretty sure she was late—her periods weren’t regular, so it was hard to be sure. Christina hadn’t taken a test, but maybe she was finally pregnant. She and Gary were definitely ready for a baby, unlike Stacey and T.J.
Christina’s hope lasted until lunch, and then a quick trip to the restroom squashed it completely. She wasn’t pregnant this month. Again.
She walked down the hallway, her face hot and legs trembling. So much for using lunch to mentally prepare for her evaluation. All she wanted was to sit at her desk and cry. Hold it together, Christina. She forced a smile as she passed a co-worker in the hallway. Just a few more minutes, and she’d be alone.
Her classroom door came into focus, the bright yellow butcher paper covered in multicolored hand prints visible even from the end of the hallway. Christina let the tears pool in her eyes. Solitude. That’s all she wanted.
She crossed the threshold, letting her shoulders slump.
Not alone. Stacey sat at her desk in the exact position Christina wanted to be—arms on desk, head on arms, shoulders shaking with sobs.
Christina’s stomach dropped. Why her? Why today?
Her own tears would have to wait.
Christina stiffened her spine and walked over to Stacey, placing a hand on her back. “Stacey, what on earth is wrong?”
Stacey didn’t look up. “What am I doing, Christina?” she asked, the words muffled. “We must be insane to have a baby now. I’m excited, but I’m so scared.”
This was her big problem? Christina sighed, pulling over a chair. “Stacey, look at me.”
Stacey straightened, smudged mascara highlighting her swollen eyes.
“What’s going on? I thought you were happy.”
Stacey grabbed a tissue and wiped under her eyes, smearing the makeup even more. New tears appeared. “Of course I’m happy but the timing is so bad. T.J.’s still in school, and we live in a crappy one-bedroom apartment, and I barely make enough money to pay the interest on all my student loans. We’re practically at poverty level and can’t afford a baby.”
Christina closed her eyes, fighting down the jealousy. She and Gary could afford a baby. They could afford three or four easily. So why did Stacey get pregnant accidentally, and Christina couldn’t even get pregnant on purpose?
“Stop crying,” Christina said sternly. “You’re going to be a great mother. This baby will be loved and cared for. You can do this.”
The tears had slowed down at least. Stacey’s eyes begged for reassurance. “Do you really think so?”
The crazy thing was Christina did. She smiled, pushing the box of tissues closer to Stacey. “You take care of twenty-five six-year-olds
every day. After teaching, a baby will be a cake walk. Now dry your eyes. Lunch will be over in a few minutes.”
Stacey laughed. It was shaky, but happy too. “You always know the right thing to say.” She walked over to the mirror hanging off a cabinet door and dabbed under her eyes, then grabbed another tissue and blew her nose. “How do I look?”
Christina smiled, hoping it didn’t seem sad. Stacey was beautiful and happy and luckier than she could imagine. Irresponsible, perhaps. But lucky all the same. “I think you’ve got the pregnancy glow.”
The bell rang, signaling the end of lunchtime.
“I’m sorry,” Stacey said as they walked outside to pick up their classes. “I know you have your evaluation this afternoon, but I was scared, and I knew I could talk to you, and you’d calm me down. T.J. and I probably should’ve been smarter about things like you and Gary, but we can’t do anything about that now.”
Smart. It seemed that word defined Christina and Gary’s entire five-year plan. But now she had to wonder—were they being punished for waiting? Christina had always looked down on girls who got pregnant right after the wedding. She and Gary had decided early on they weren’t going to be that couple. Responsible adults finished school and established their careers before having children.
“Smart” had translated into waiting nearly four years before trying. First Gary was in law school, and Christina was in the middle of her bachelor’s degree. After Gary’s graduation Christina had wanted to start trying, but he’d said it was better to start their careers and buy a house. When laid out in his courtroom voice, it seemed logical enough. Now they had everything in place to welcome a baby except a positive pregnancy test.
Was something wrong with her? With Gary? They’d been trying for thirteen months, and all the books said it should happen within a year.
“Don’t worry about it. I’m ready for my evaluation,” Christina said. She could cry in solitude later.
“Of course you are,” Stacey said. “You’re such an awesome teacher. Half my lesson plans are copied from yours. You would be a great mom, too. Maybe you should have a baby soon. We could be first-time moms together. We could quit our jobs and go to the park with our strollers and have play dates with the babies and everything. What do you think?”
Christina was not about to explain her personal struggles to Stacey. The girl was so fertile she got pregnant on birth control. “I think I really love my job.” It wasn’t a lie, but it wasn’t the truth either.
The rest of the day dragged. Christina did her best to stay upbeat and positive during her evaluation. It must have worked because Principal Gardner gave her glowing compliments.
After the evaluation, the familiar heavy cramps began, and it was all Christina could do to stay at school until contract time instead of leaving as soon as the kids did. Promptly at four o’clock she drove home. After changing into pajamas, she curled up on the couch and turned on the TV. It didn’t take long for the tears to come.
Two hours later, Christina heard Gary place his briefcase on the counter. A tentative hand rested on her shoulder. “What’s wrong? Did your evaluation go poorly?”
Christina glanced at his concerned face, then shook her head. “It’s just cramps.” Her mouth felt thick, her voice scratchy from too long crying.
“Oh, is that all?” He sat down beside her, gray slacks still crisp and starched even after a ten-hour day at the office. “I’m sorry, babe. Do you need some Midol?”
She stared at the floor, telling herself not to get upset. He didn’t realize what this period meant—at least, not fully. “No. Sorry I didn’t make dinner.”
Gary brushed away a lock of her hair. “Don’t worry about it. I’ll heat up some leftovers. Want anything?”
She’d already eaten half a jar of chocolate frosting and a package of graham crackers, but Gary didn’t need to know that. “No thanks. I’ll watch TV. Maybe grade some papers.”
“All right. I have some work things to finish, so I’ll eat in my office. Let me know if you need anything.”
She should’ve told him when she had the chance.
At nine o’clock Christina turned off the TV. Looked like she’d be going to bed alone again. When Gary started working at his father’s law firm shortly after graduation, they’d been thrilled. Over a year later, Christina wasn’t quite so excited. Maybe a baby would bring them closer together. Help them find that spark again.
Christina wandered into the office to grab her laptop, making as little noise as possible so she wouldn’t bother Gary. He didn’t even look up from his computer screen. A tennis racket leaned against the closet door, marring the otherwise spotless room. Gary must’ve played with a client today. And once again, he hadn’t bothered to put away his equipment. Stifling a sigh, Christina quietly opened the closet, wincing when the hinge squeaked. She glanced over at Gary, then opened the door the rest of the way.
Stuffed animals tumbled down from the top shelves. A pink elephant bounced off her head and a giraffe hit her shoulder. She put up a hand, grabbing a panda bear and two penguins before they hit the ground. Fifteen or so animals littered the floor around her feet. Soon there wouldn’t even be room for sports equipment in the closet. The stuffed animals were taking over.
Gary spun around in his chair, eyebrow raised. “Everything okay?”
So much for not disturbing him. “Just fine.” Christina set the tennis racket inside the closet. She crammed the stuffed animals onto the shelves with their fuzzy friends, then leaned her weight against the door until it clicked shut. They should donate the darn things to a children’s hospital. But Gary would never allow it.
Two minutes later she climbed into bed with her laptop and a hot water bottle. She tried to enter grades but couldn’t concentrate. Thirteen months. She had promised herself she wouldn’t borrow trouble until now. After all, the books said not to worry unless it had been more than a year.
She pulled up the internet browser and stared at the screen for nearly a minute. Just do it, Christina. She typed “signs of infertility” into the box and clicked search. Within seconds over nine million hits were populated. Christina clicked on the first one and read. Her eyes scanned through article after article as her heart climbed into her throat.
Was it really possible? She’d never seriously considered that once they wanted a baby, they might not immediately get one.
“What’s this?”
Christina jumped, slamming the laptop lid shut. “Nothing.”
Gary raised an eyebrow. He sat on the edge of the bed and took the laptop from her. She wanted to grab it back, tell him it was a surprise and he couldn’t see, but didn’t. She had promised herself she wouldn’t worry Gary.
Until this month.
“Infertility?” Gary clicked on a few of the open web pages before setting the laptop aside. “Christina, what’s going on?”
“I . . . I’m not sure.”
His eyes narrowed, the planes of his face hardening into his lawyer look. There was no keeping it from him now. After months of agonizing alone, it was time to let Gary know. Even if it meant she’d have to tell him that.
“You think we’re having problems?” Gary asked.
It sounded awful when said out loud. Christina picked up the edge of the quilt and fidgeted with a loose string. “Maybe.”
“Because your period started again?”
She nodded, avoiding eye contact.
He scooted closer and wrapped an arm around her. “Why didn’t you tell me that’s why you were upset? I thought it was the cramps.”
She turned her face into his shoulder. “It seemed stupid.”
“It’s not stupid if it worries you. It says on the website you should see a doctor after twelve months of trying. It’s been like, what, nine months? Ten? It could still happen.”
And there it was. She would have to tell him now.
Christina remembered so well the day he told her they should start trying—last June, the morning of their fou
rth wedding anniversary. Gary had surprised her with breakfast in bed. He’d brought her a tray of pancakes, pretty much the only thing he could cook, with a single red rose and a tiny box.
“I thought we agreed not to get each other presents,” she said with a smile. They were going on a Caribbean cruise in a few weeks as their anniversary present to each other. “I didn’t get you anything.”
He twisted a dish towel in his hands. “Open it.”
Christina picked up the box, the crisply precise lines a dead giveaway it had been wrapped by the department store. She carefully unwrapped the box and pulled off the lid. Inside lay a pair of beautiful white baby booties.
“I think we should start trying,” he said. “We did agree on this summer. My job is going really well, and we have the house now—”
Christina leaned over and kissed him before he could finish the sentence, her heart soaring. She’d gone off birth control a few months earlier. Now he’d never have to know.
She snapped back to the present and blurted, “We’ve been trying for thirteen months.” She clapped a hand over her mouth, wishing she could take back the words. She could have eased into it, explained the circumstances first.
Gary blinked. “Excuse me?”
“I’ve been off birth control for thirteen months, not nine.” She whispered the words as though a lower volume would lessen the consequences.
Gary stood, running a hand through his hair. “I . . .” He shifted from foot to foot. Blew out a breath. Scrubbed a hand over his face. Christina could see him struggling to keep his cool, to not explode. To find out all the facts before passing judgment. “Why didn’t you tell me?”
She thought of all the reasons, but finally said, “It didn’t come up.”
“You didn’t think it was important to mention you were off birth control?”
“It wasn’t like that.”
“By all means, tell me what it was like.”
“It was when we were buying the house, okay? We were fighting with the bank over the short sale price, and then we were closing and moving in and getting settled. I completely spaced getting the shot, and by the time I remembered, it was nearly summer.”
Chasing Someday Page 2