by Claire Adams
I took my usual seat in class, feeling oddly conspicuous in spite of the fact that half the people in the room with me were also in their pajamas. Professor Grant came in a few minutes late, apologizing and looking around with a faint grin curving his lips.
“I can see everyone’s starting to get a little less formal now that we’re past midterms,” he said, looking at the other people in the room, but not — fortunately — at me.
During the lecture, I tried to take notes but my mind kept going back to Zack. Why had I thought he was any different from any of the guys I ever dated? Because he’d been my first? I was an idiot. I should have known Zack didn’t belong to the Phi Alpha Kappa group for no reason — he loved to party even when we’d been in high school together, and clearly he’d just gone on doing that, getting more and more outrageous as he went. Hooking up with an ex-girlfriend wasn’t going to change that about him. I remembered Jess’ advice that I should figure out what kind of person Zack really was and decide if I was okay with it. I thought to myself that I had been acting like an idiot the whole time leading up to seeing that picture. I believed that sure, Zack was rowdy and liked to get drunk and hang out with a bunch of guys who viewed women as conquests — but why would he hang out with people like that if he didn’t agree?
Zack had never really seen me as anything other than another girl to get with. The thought of it made me sick. I let myself start to think of Zack as really special — as someone who wanted me because of who I am, who knew me and who wanted me. In reality, he was just the same as any guy; he just wanted a girl he could convince to sleep with him on the regular, who he could toss aside when it was inconvenient. How much longer would I have kept going with him if I hadn’t seen that article and that picture?
I thought about everything Zack and I had been through in the previous weeks, and I couldn’t make sense of it. If he really didn’t care about me, why had he performed so poorly when I ignored him? He could have easily just moved on to someone else. But what if it was just a coincidence? If he performed poorly because he’d had some other girl distracting him — and not because of me at all. Part of my brain argued that he tried really hard to get in touch with me even when I was ignoring him, working hard to avoid even seeing him on campus. But had he really? He’d sent me some texts and made some phone calls, and had left a note on my door. I’d been avoiding him, but I still kept to my usual routine; if he wanted to find me, he could have gone to the library, or the dining hall, any number of times and tracked me down.
I didn’t know how to feel about the weird mixed signals in my mind. I was glad I’d remembered my recorder; I kept it on my desk, knowing I wouldn’t remember a damned thing about Grant’s lecture with the situation with Zack at the top of my mind, consuming my thoughts. I was barely even able to keep up with the notes on the board — I wondered at one point what I was even doing in class when I wasn’t getting anything out of it at all. But I was present.
I managed to grab a bag of chips from the vending machine on my way from Introduction to Journalism to English literature; my stomach was twisting and grumbling inside of me, uncaring about the fact I was trying to cope with the confrontation between Zack and me. I didn’t even taste the chips as I brought them to my mouth, pretending to pay attention to the discussion about Jane Austen, but still dwelling on the details of everything that happened. I thought about how good the sex had been, my insecure jealousy at the thought that Zack had to have been with other women to have improved so much since we’d been together. That should have been my first red flag — the fact that Zack had gotten so much better at sex itself.
It seemed like I had been getting cues, hints, indications all the time about what Zack really was, and totally ignoring them in the face of what I wanted them to be. I had to face facts: Zack didn’t have any special attachment to me and he didn’t particularly care about keeping me as a girlfriend. I didn’t even know if he actually saw me as a girlfriend. I had been fooling myself all along and I should have stayed away when his team mate suggested it — even if his teammate had the interests of the team in mind instead of my own.
I decided after class that I didn’t want to see or talk to anyone. I went to the dining hall and scanned my card and took to-go containers, making a minimum of eye contact as I got into the line. I got a bowl of soup and a sandwich and then found myself loading brownies, cookies, anything remotely sweet and fattening into my box to take with me. I would have to make it to my afternoon classes, but I was going to stay in my room until the last possible moment and no one was going to stop me. I kept my head down all the way to the dorms, cradling my food close to me and not responding to anyone who seemed like they were trying to get my attention. I could only imagine what the team said about my appearance in the weight room. I could only imagine what everyone on campus was saying about me — how stupid I’d been, what a crazy fool I was to think that Zack was anything other than a partying frat boy. I decided I was going to stick with eating in my room, going to the library and my classes and otherwise just avoiding anyone. And if Jess tried to convince me to go to any more parties, I was going to tell her to go to hell.
Chapter Two
After a few days, I managed to calm down. I was steadily miserable, but at least I was able to focus on my classes and my life once more. I was actually almost grateful for what happened; it would have been really easy for me to totally and completely be distracted by Zack in my life if I hadn’t found out the kind of person he was. I would’ve mooned along, totally wrapped up in him; having great sex, for sure, but probably missing deadlines and losing the quality of my work.
Jess had been keeping a wide berth around me — or maybe, I thought with grim humor, she was just too busy to be in the dorms very much. In the bottom half of the semester, everyone was focusing down more on their studies, trying to pull their grades up or finish strong. I had competition to book a private study room in the library every morning, but I hated the thought of being out in the middle of the room where Zack could see me and try and talk to me — if he dared. I didn’t want to have to listen to the murmurs around me either; so, I kept my headphones on and just went straight to the room I booked for studying and stayed in there as long as I was allotted and came out with my headphones on. It would boil over in time, and someone else would do something humiliating to take the attention off of me. It was just a matter of getting through it.
I somehow managed to get through all of my classwork — I even got ahead a few chapters on the American history syllabus and read ahead in the assignments for literature and intro to journalism. With nothing to do, I decided an afternoon of watching TV, eating snacks, and just letting my mind drift was the best possible use of my time. I popped cheese-flavored crackers into my mouth mindlessly, staring at the TV and relaxing, not thinking about anything in particular.
My vegetation was interrupted by the sound of the dorm door opening. Jess came into the room quickly, grinning as she threw herself into a chair. “Gotten over Zack yet?” she asked me.
I scowled.
“Come on, Jess, don’t be a bitch.”
Jess sighed and rolled her eyes, reaching over and snatching the box from the coffee table and dumping out a handful. She popped a few into her mouth, chewing and swallowing before she spoke again.
“Well, I mean, it’s been a few days since you kicked him to the curb. So, I figured you wouldn’t mind doing me a favor.”
I raised an eyebrow and snatched the box of crackers away from her, pouring some into my hand and putting the box back onto the table.
“Oh, so not concerned for my well-being, but my ability to help you out.”
Jess grinned broadly. “Well, see, it’s not just helpful to me, but it could be helpful to you, too!” I was suspicious of the chirpy tone of her voice.
“Okay,” I said slowly. “Tell me what this is about.”
“Well you know how I’m having a bit of trouble in economics?” I heard Jess moaning from her room
over how difficult her economics class was — and how little hope she had of finishing with a decent grade.
“Yeah,” I said cautiously. What did her problems with econ have to do with my single status?
“So there’s this guy in my class, Derick.” I pressed my lips together. Of course. “Trust me, Evie, if I could have convinced him to help me by giving him a date with me, I’d have done it. But he’s not into me. He’s into you.”
“So you volunteered me for a date with some guy I don’t know so he’d help you pass economics?”
Jess shrugged, still smiling. “Look, everyone benefits; I get help for economics, Derick gets a date with a girl he’s into, and you get a chance to get back out there — and a free meal.”
I wanted to be angry at her but I had to laugh.
“You didn’t — I mean he’s not expecting anything other than the date, right?”
Jess nodded quickly. “Yeah, no, there’s no guarantee of anything other than you going with him to dinner. He’s on his own if he wants to get you to make out or sleep with him — I made that completely clear.”
I shook my head, smiling in spite of myself. On the one hand, it was kind of soothing to my battered ego that someone wanted to take me on a date. On the other hand, it was a bit irritating Jess volunteered me for a date with a stranger. One of the last things I wanted was to get involved with a member of the opposite sex; I was only just recovering from the aftermath of my feelings toward Zack.
“And you specified only one date, right?” I asked her, wanting to rebel but not quite feeling up to it. If Jess guaranteed the guy I’d go out with him for as long as he wanted, I’d say no flat out.
“One date. Dinner and a movie. That’s it. No sleeping with him, no guarantees for a second date, nothing like that.”
I sighed. “Well, what’s he like?”
Jess shrugged. “He dresses in polo shirts and khakis most of the time, kind of shy, not a bad guy but not all that interesting. But he’s got the highest grade in the econ class and he’s smart.” I popped a few more cheese crackers in my mouth and chewed them meditatively.
“Fine,” I said, shaking my head again. A date was the last thing I wanted — but Jess was my friend, and it wouldn’t kill me to get out for once. “For you, I’ll do it. But next time you decide to barter me for favors, do me a favor and ask me first.”
Jess grinned. “You’d have just said no.”
“If you do this again I will say no and there will be nothing for you to do about it but find someone else.”
Jess’ face fell into more serious lines and she nodded.
“Fair enough. But we have a deal on this one, right? You won’t decide at the last minute not to go?”
“If he turns out to be horrible, I will leave him in the middle of the date if I have to, but I will at least give him a fair shot.”
“That’s all I’m asking. My GPA thanks you.”
Chapter Three
In the few days leading up to the date, I tried to prepare myself; apart from the date with Zack, I hadn’t really gone out with a guy since junior year of high school. In my senior year, I’d been so focused on getting scholarships, and so wrapped up in my mom’s decline and death that I hadn’t been able to even consider the possibility of going on a date with anyone. It just hadn’t even been on my radar. Derick got my number from Jess and sent me a couple of text messages, confirming that my friend’s offer was legitimate and that I was willing to go out with him. I said what I was supposed to — I was looking forward to it, I was happy to get to know him, all of the polite things. But my heart wasn’t really in it. I was still — in spite of the anger I felt — more than a little bit turned around and flipped over in my mind about Zack, still questioning what happened and whether it was for the best.
The night of the date, Jess pulled me into my room and went to work at making sure I was appropriate for the evening.
“Jess, it’s just dinner and a movie,” I insisted with a groan. “It’s not even someone I particularly want to impress. I can go as I am.”
Jess shook her head, going through my wardrobe quickly. “He’s taking you to a really expensive restaurant; you need to look right for that. And anyway, you don’t know — maybe he’s just your speed.”
I sighed and rolled my eyes, but I knew when Jess was in her educational mood, it was useless to argue with her. She pulled out one of the few really nice skirts I owned, a button-down silk shirt, and a blazer I’d last worn to my college interviews. I raised an eyebrow, but at least, I thought, I couldn’t be accused of leading anyone on in an outfit like that. Jess went into her own room while I changed and came back with a pair of heels that went perfectly with the outfit — taller than I normally wore, but I could manage them. She pushed me down into my desk chair and quickly did my hair and makeup; in the end, I looked like a sleek, put-together woman — kind of like my mom. The comparison made me almost want to cry; but I held back my tears, knowing that I’d just ruin the makeup and start my date off on completely the wrong foot.
I sat in the common area of the dorm to wait for the guy to show up. He apparently had quite a nice car, according to Jess; I’d never seen it myself, and I wondered if he was like the kinds of guys I’d known in high school who’d had the nicer cars — braggarts who didn’t care about anything other than their material possessions. One thing I’d always liked about Zack: he didn’t put that much importance on his possessions. I shied away from the comparison. I wasn’t going to think about Zack at all. I wasn’t going to compare him — especially favorably — to the guy I was with. I would put him completely out of my mind.
Just when I was starting to become really impatient, there was a knock at the door. I stood quickly and heard Jess’ door slam open. She was right there at my side. “Remember,” she said quietly. I rolled my eyes but nodded, and opened the door to let Derick in. He was taller than Zack by maybe an inch or two, but not as muscular; where Zack had medium-brown hair and dark eyes, Derick had sandy blond hair, pale blue eyes, and slightly freckled pale skin that had an almost-translucent look to it. He smiled at me as he stepped over the threshold, dressed in a pair of slacks and a button-down shirt that was just slightly too big for him, though the deep maroon color of it complemented his skin and hair.
“It’s good to meet you, Evelyn,” Derick said, extending his hand. I shook it quickly, feeling awkward and uncertain. He seemed like a perfectly nice guy and Jess said more than once he was, but there was something stilted, something just a little bit off-putting about his excitement. “You look lovely.”
He pulled me closer by the hand, giving me a quick hug. I could smell his green, reedy-smelling cologne, with the sweat-smell underneath that told me he was nervous.
“Have a great night, you two,” Jess said, beaming at us both. Derick turned to lead me out through the door and she shot me one last cautioning look, mouthing “be nice,” as I let myself be pulled out of the comfort of my dorm.
Derick’s car was nice — it was a relatively recent model BMW, which was the first real topic of conversation that I could actually feel comfortable discussing; the ride down on the elevator had been awkwardly silent, and the walk to the parking lot wasn’t much better. “Nice Beemer,” I said, smiling politely.
“My parents got it for me as a graduation present; not new, but with a car like this new isn’t really needed.”
He opened the door for me on the passenger side and I reached over to unlock the driver’s side as he walked around the front of the car. When he started up the car, his stereo came on, not quite blasting Hot Hot Heat over the speakers. I gave him at least a few points for having decent taste in music and tried to relax against the lush seat as Derick pulled out of the parking spot.
He let me pick the movie and I tried to choose something that neither of us would hate. It was easy for me to see that Derick was trying to impress me; there was an intensity to his gaze on me, something in the way that he kept checking to see if I was com
fortable, if I was happy. It wasn’t like with Zack — and I stopped myself hard and fast in the midst of that thought. Derick was a different person from the guy I had dated before. He was a little shy; he was a little awkward. The movie I picked was sold out for the closest showing, so we had 20 minutes in the lobby to stand and talk.
“Jess says you’re the best one in the econ class,” I said, trying not to fidget or pick at my clothes.
“Oh yes,” Derick said, smiling quickly. “Economics is really fascinating if you can get into it and understand it.”
I was relieved and bored at the same time as he launched into an explanation of his theories as to how economics could explain anything and everything in the world, even how he’d been thrilled to have a chance to put his economic understanding to use in bargaining his help in exchange for a chance to impress me on a date.
When it was time to start heading in for the movie — a comedy I’d seen trailers for on TV that at least cut the difference between the romantic dramas and action flicks that were the theater’s other offerings — Derick asked me if I wanted anything at the concession stand. Since we were going to dinner afterward, I settled for a soda; Derick bought some candy he offered to share, and I found myself then agreeing to make sure I ate some of it. I checked the time on the big wall clock on our way into the theater and told myself that at least during the movie we wouldn’t have to talk much.