by Cas Lester
‘Computer! Translate please!’ ordered Maxie.
The computer whirred and its lights flashed busily for a minute or so while it worked. Then it bleeped smugly. ‘What a challenge!’ it said. ‘But I do like a puzzle. I have checked all the languages in the Known Universe and none of them match. So I’ve absolutely no idea what it says!’
‘Great help!’ said Scrummage, with biting sarcasm. They all turned back to the message on the monitor, hoping that if they just looked at it really hard and for a really long time it might suddenly make sense.
Fat chance.
Then the computer butted in again. ‘This is your lucky day!’ it said. ‘You’ve got a second SpaceMail!’
Another message pinged into the SpaceMail inbox:
From: (still blank)
To: The Toxic Spew
Subject: Captain Needed
Message:
‘Wait a minute!’ said Scrummage. ‘That’s the same message as before.’
And then it pinged in again.
From: (yup – blank again)
To: The Toxic Spew
Subject: Captain Needed
Message:
‘It’s someone who wants to be captain!’ cried Maxie.
‘He’s very keen,’ said Gizmo. ‘Maybe a bit too keen … ’
‘What do you mean?’ asked Maxie.
‘Well, let’s be honest, why would anyone actually want to be captain of the Toxic Spew?’ said Gizmo looking round at the tatty and filthy command bridge.
‘You do,’ said Scrummage.
Maxie sniggered.
‘And you don’t?’ retorted Gizmo.
‘Only because I don’t want you to be captain! Anyhow, I think we should meet him.’
‘I think we should hire him,’ said Maxie, ‘and RIGHT NOW! Before he changes his mind. Computer! Locate message sender and bring him aboard.’
‘Really … ? Is this a good idea?’ said the computer. ‘You don’t know anything about the sender. There is a high risk he is:
a) a highly toxic alien who would melt all the metal on the ship
b) a horribly venomous alien who would poison the entire crew, or
c) one of those really pushy aliens who wants to kill everyone and take over the ship.’
‘Ah … then let’s not meet him,’ said Gizmo.
‘What, so that you can be captain?’ sneered Scrummage.
‘Not at all,’ said Gizmo. ‘I’m only thinking of the good of the ship and its crew.’
‘Huh!’ snorted Maxie.
‘But can I just say that, if I was captain, I would say let’s not meet him.’
‘No you can’t – because you’re not,’ snapped Maxie.
It shows how desperate Maxie and Scrummage were to have a captain – any captain other than Gizmo – that they both said:
‘Computer, transport immediately!’
‘Sure?’ said the computer.
‘No,’ said Gizmo.
‘Yes!’ said Maxie firmly, while Scrummage slapped his hand across Gizmo’s mouth to shut him up.
‘100% sure?’
‘YES!’ shrieked Maxie and Scrummage.
‘Mmmmm!’ mumbled Gizmo furiously behind Scrummage’s hand.
‘OK, just checking.’
There was a familiar high whining drone.
(Well, familiar to the crew, at any rate. Not to you of course because you’ve probably never seen anyone transported zillions of light years across the galaxy and onto a spaceship. You live a very dull life on Earth, don’t you?)
The area above the empty captain’s chair wobbled and gradually a shape appeared. As the droning noise reached a horribly high pitch, like a dentist’s drill, the shape became solid. The noise stopped and instantly the shape plummeted painfully onto the deck.
THUD!
‘Ouch!’ it said.
‘Whoops! Missed!’ said the computer.
To be fair, it hadn’t transported anyone for months and it’s actually quite difficult to transfer someone zillions of light years across the galaxy and land them bang on target in a chair.
Anyhow, the crew regarded the shape with interest. It lay dazed on the deck, groaning and making no attempt to get up. It wasn’t inspiring.
‘It’s not very big.’
‘Is that hair or some kind of helmet?’
‘What kind of thing has hair like that?’
‘It’s got funny coloured eyes.’
‘And dots … look, all over its face.’
‘And what sort of uniform is that?’
I know it seems like the crew were horribly rude. But they’re from the planet Zeryx Minor and they’d never actually seen an Earth boy before. Let alone one with curly red hair, green eyes and freckles, and wearing school uniform.
Chapter Four
Aliens!
Harvey lay in a crumpled heap on the floor, trying to pull himself together. He deserved a gold star for effort. I mean, he’d never plummeted onto the deck of a spaceship before, or seen aliens from the planet Zeryx Minor.
(And neither have you, of course. So I should probably explain that although Zeryx Minors look pretty much like humans – you know, they have one head, two arms, two legs, a pair of eyes and one nose [each] – they do have multicoloured hair, bright turquoise eyes and purple skin. And you don’t see many people like that on Earth, do you?)
Maxie brushed two paper cups and a pizza carton off the captain’s chair. Then, holding out her hand, she helped Harvey to his feet and onto the seat. Harvey pushed his hair off his forehead and stared around at the scruffy command bridge, and at the colourful aliens.
There was a short, fat and balding older man. What was left of his rainbow-coloured hair was tied back in a scruffy ponytail. His huge belly stretched a pair of filthy green-and-yellow overalls almost to bursting (Scrummage).
There was a younger, taller and much (much) thinner man with short multicoloured hair, a long, thin face with a beaky hooked nose. He was wearing spotless and possibly freshly ironed overalls and a snooty expression (Gizmo).
Finally there was a girl, not much older than Harvey, who wore her straight colourful hair tucked behind her ears and overalls that were at least four sizes too large for her. She’d rolled up the legs and sleeves several times (Pilot Officer Maxie).
Intergalactic GarbleTranslate
Gizmo took control. ‘I’m Senior Engineering Officer Gizmo,’ he said. ‘Welcome aboard the Toxic Spew!’ And he stepped forward to shake Harvey’s hand.
But Scrummage pushed in front of him. ‘I’m Chief Rubbish Officer Scrummage, sir. Welcome aboard, Captain,’ he said, in an obvious attempt to suck up.
‘He’s not the captain yet, is he?’ hissed Gizmo. ‘I mean we’re not just going to give him the job, are we?’
‘Why not? Anyone’s better than you two,’ said Maxie.
Gizmo and Scrummage glared at her.
(You haven’t been to Galaxy 43b have you? So I bet you’re thinking that Harvey and the aliens are speaking the same language. They’re not. That would be ridiculous.
In outer space they use Intergalactic GarbleTranslate. Basically, anyone from any planet can understand anybody else. So in Galaxy 43b there are millions of alien beings from different worlds who can all understand each other. Of course, on your tiny little planet there are millions of human beings from different countries who can’t understand each other at all.
Now, that’s ridiculous.)
Anyhow, back on the Toxic Spew, thanks to the wonders of Intergalactic GarbleTranslate, Gizmo wanted to interview Harvey.
‘I just think we should ask him a few questions,’ whispered Gizmo. ‘To see if he’s right for the job.’ And turning to Harvey, who seemed quite small in the huge black captain’s chair, he looked down his nose and asked: ‘Could we start with your name?’
‘Harvey.’
‘Is that Captain Harvey?’ asked Scrummage.
‘Er … just Harvey.’
‘But you are a captain?�
�� said Maxie, hopefully.
‘Um, well I’m Captain of the Highford All Stars,’ replied Harvey, confused.
‘See!’ said Maxie. ‘He’s a captain. Let’s hire him.’
(Since you’re from Earth, you’re probably ahead of the crew here. They don’t know that ‘Highford All Stars’ is a football team. And Harvey doesn’t know that they think that ‘Highford All Stars’ is an intergalactic spaceship.
Confused? Not as much as Harvey.)
‘You’re very young for a captain,’ said Gizmo, towering over Harvey. ‘How old are you?’
‘Eleven.’
‘Eleven?!’ spluttered Scrummage. ‘Multicoloured vomit!’ He hitched his grubby overalls up over his huge belly.
Maxie was astonished. She was very young to be a pilot, even in Galaxy 43b, but this boy looked even younger than her – and already a captain! She stared at Harvey with her bright turquoise eyes. ‘How long have you been a captain?’
‘Two years.’
Counting on his fingers and frowning with the effort, Scrummage did the sums. ‘Nine!’ he gasped. ‘You made captain aged nine?’
The crew were stunned.
Harvey nodded slowly. He was beginning to wonder who these people were and, more importantly, where he was and, much more importantly, how he got here and …
‘He must be brilliant!’ said Maxie. She unclipped a digipad from the flight desk. ‘We should take him on immediately.’ She pressed some buttons and an official-looking form appeared on the screen. ‘Here,’ she said, thrusting the pad and a stylus at Harvey. ‘Sign this!’
‘Er … why?’
‘It’s a contract,’ she said. ‘Making you Captain of the Toxic Spew.’
Chapter Five
The absolute awesomeness of outer space
‘Captain of the, the Toxic, er … what?’ asked Harvey.
There was a short but painful silence while the crew avoided each other’s eyes.
‘Er … it’s the … er … Toxic Spew,’ mumbled Scrummage, embarrassed by its dreadful reputation – and equally dreadful smell. ‘I know it’s a little mucky,’ he said, hurriedly sweeping some cartons and wrappers off the flight desk with his hand, ‘but you can’t expect an intergalactic garbage ship to be all neat and tidy, can you? Ha ha!’ he added nervously.
‘An Intergalactic Garbage Ship?’ stammered Harvey. ‘This is a spaceship?’ His green eyes widened in astonishment as he looked around the command bridge.
I think you’d be surprised – no, make that ‘gobsmacked’ – if you saw the command bridge of the Toxic Spew.
(I’ve just realised, you’ve probably only seen spacecraft in the movies, haven’t you? So I bet you’re imagining a super hi-tech, squeaky-clean ship with stacks of flashy gadgets, run by a brilliant crew with smart uniforms and even smarter brains. Oh, how wrong can you be?)
The crew looked about the command bridge in dismay.
They saw:
• empty cups and cartons littering the desks
• bits of leftover pizza crust, pepperoni and pineapple chunks scattered across the floor
• broken instrument panels
• grimy surfaces
• the general tatty state of the place.
You know, it’s a funny thing, but people can look at exactly the same thing and see it totally differently.
Harvey saw:
• impressive banks of buttons, switches and joysticks
• curious and strange displays on the monitors
• huge vision screens surrounding the bridge on three sides.
And beyond all that … beyond his wildest dreams and fantasies …
SPACE!
A million stars flecked the inky blackness. Mysterious planets hung on the far horizon. A large misty, yellow one with three golden rings glowed softly, and a huge, dull-red one hung in the middle of a shimmering mass of swirling purple light. The brightest planet was a tiny pink one which shone fiercely, as if it was furious about being so small.
Outer space stretched out all around him – vast and endless and …
AWESOME.
He was rudely interrupted by Maxie thrusting the digipad at him.
‘Anyhow, if you’ll just sign here, Captain. It’s just for the data records.’
‘Me?’ said Harvey. ‘Er … I think you’ve got the wrong person.’
But the crew thought they’d found the most talented young spaceship commander in the Known Universe and they weren’t going to take ‘no’ for an answer.
Especially not Maxie.
‘What?’ she snapped, her bright turquoise eyes glittering dangerously. ‘Why did you apply for the job if you don’t want it?’
‘I didn’t!’
‘Yes, you did,’ she pointed to the SpaceMails on the ship’s monitor. ‘See?’
Harvey looked at the message he’d sent:
To: The Toxic Spew
Subject: Captain Needed
Message:
More confusion on the command bridge
‘I didn’t send that.’
‘Yes you did.’
‘But I couldn’t have. I don’t even understand it. What does it say?’
‘How should I know!’ snapped Maxie. ‘That’s your language not mine.’
‘No it’s not. I thought it was yours!’
‘Then whose language is it?’ asked Scrummage, utterly confused.
‘Computer!’ barked Gizmo suspiciously. ‘Have you scrambled up this message?’
‘Um … possibly … I might have done … just a little bit … But it’s not my fault!’ the computer added snippily, ‘If you will keep sending SpaceMails to “Anyone in the entire Known Universe, and Beyond”, I can’t be expected to get every single one perfect.’ And it bleeped off in a huff.
‘So,’ said Harvey brightly, ‘it’s all been a big mistake and … I think you’d just better … er … send me back … ’
Maxie considered this for about a nano-second.
‘No,’ she said bluntly.
‘You can’t just keep me here!’ cried Harvey.
‘Oh yes we can!’ She leant back against the flight desk and crossed her arms. She reminded Harvey of the girls in his class when they were in a strop.
‘But that’s … that’s kidnapping!’
‘So?’
‘Pilot Officer Maxie,’ snapped Gizmo looking sternly down his nose at her. ‘May I remind you of the Intergalactic Travel and Transport Pact rules and regulations regarding replacement captains?’
Maxie looked at him blankly.
‘Basically, you can’t force anyone to be a captain if they don’t want to be. The correct thing to do is to let him go … and I’ll take command.’ He headed for the captain’s chair.
‘NO!’ cried Scrummage, trying to beat him to it. ‘I will.’
‘Over my dead body … ’ said Gizmo.
‘Fine by me … ’ growled Scrummage. He hurled the full weight of his tubby body at Gizmo and they both crashed onto the deck.
Gizmo and Scrummage slug it out (again)
‘Now look what you’ve done!’ said Maxie angrily to Harvey.
THWACK, GRAPPLE, GRAPPLE, THUD!
Scrummage and Gizmo thrashed and rolled around the deck for the second round of their no-holds-barred, fight-to-the-death ‘battle for command of the ship’.
Harvey was horrified. ‘They’re going to kill each other!’
‘Yep.’
‘Can’t you stop them?’
‘Nope.’ Maxie pressed the ship intercom button. ‘Medical Officer Yargal to the bridge, please,’ she said. ‘And bring some bandages … and a stun jab or two.’ Then she looked sadly at Harvey and sighed heavily. ‘I blame you.’
Suddenly the doors to the bridge slid open and Medical Officer Yargal appeared.
Harvey turned to look at her – gasped, and promptly fainted.
Chapter Six
It takes all sorts to make a universe
‘What’s the matter with him?’
asked the Medical Officer. Her three yellow googly eyes stuck out on stalks from her slimy green body and her six blue tentacles waggled in surprise. She looked like a cross between an octopus and a huge green slug.
‘I’ve absolutely no idea!’ said Maxie.
Yargal slithered over to Harvey. She prodded him with a squelchy tentacle.
Harvey stirred.
So she poked him again. ‘Are you all right?’
Harvey’s eyes flickered open and focused on Yargal.
‘AAAAAAARGH!’ he screamed.
The crew were stunned and horribly embarrassed. Never, in all their multiple intergalactic missions, had they seen anyone react so badly at the sight of a Yargillian.
In his defence, Harvey had never seen such a revolting alien in all his life – not even in a book.
But it takes all sorts to make a universe, and you really can’t go round passing out every time you meet an unusually ugly alien. It’s rude. And it’s pointless – they’re still going to be there when you wake up.
The crew stared down at Harvey crumpled on the deck. No one helped him up. Maxie was the first to speak. ‘He fainted! He actually fainted! I don’t think I’ve ever seen a captain faint before.’
‘He might be the youngest captain in the Known Universe, but he’s pathetic,’ said Scrummage.
Gizmo smiled smugly. ‘Computer: stand by to transport,’ he ordered. ‘Our visitor is leaving.’
And Maxie didn’t contradict him.
Time to go home
‘Righty ho!’ said the computer brightly. ‘I did try to warn you … ’
‘Yes. Thank you,’ snapped Maxie. She glared at Harvey. ‘Fine captain you turned out to be.’
Harvey scrambled to his feet. Although he was pleased to be going home, for some odd reason he felt disappointed and hurt. Probably because we all want to be wanted – even by a team we didn’t want to play for in the first place. And we don’t want to be not wanted, even by the team we didn’t want to want us in the first place. Obviously.