by Cas Lester
‘Gizmo, stop!’ Harvey tried to drag Gizmo off before he actually murdered Scrummage.
Gizmo ignored him.
SHAKE, THROTTLE, SHAKE
GASP, SPLUTTER, CHOKE
Now Scrummage was turning a dangerously dark purple.
Maxie calmly helped herself to a slice of Scrummage’s pizza, since Snuffles had wolfed hers.
‘GIZMO, DROP!’ ordered Harvey, in the same tone that had worked on Snuffles. Gizmo let go.
The crew exchanged impressed looks. Their new captain was tougher than he looked.
‘But what are we going to do, Captain?’ wailed Yargal.
Three pairs of turquoise eyes, plus three yellow ones on stalks, stared at Harvey.
He had absolutely no idea. But he didn’t want them to know that. He was terrified. But he didn’t want them to know that either. He’d only been the captain of a football team. But right now, he didn’t want them to know that either. You have to pick your moment to drop a bombshell like that.
So he did what any footballer does when someone passes you a duff ball: he kicked it back … and asked the crew for some ideas.
‘Don’t ask me,’ said Gizmo bitterly. ‘I’m not the captain.’
‘I am asking you,’ said Harvey calmly. ‘I’m asking everyone.’
So, while the crew of the Toxic Spew racked their brains, the plucky little garbage ship drifted silently through the inky blackness of deep space with her deadly cargo sitting in her belly like a dodgy school dinner.
Some dreadful suggestions
Finally, they came up with some ideas.
‘Let’s dump it,’ said Maxie.
‘Pilot Officer Maxie!’ spluttered Gizmo. ‘May I remind you of the Intergalactic Travel and Transport Pact rules and regulations regarding dumping dangerous rubbish?’
‘Huh?’
‘It’s forbidden!’ said Gizmo. ‘We could get into terrible trouble!’
‘Not if we don’t get caught,’ she muttered.
‘But what if it blows up a starliner express cruiser with hundreds of passengers?’ cried Yargal.
‘Do we care?’ asked Scrummage.
‘Yes! We do!’ said Harvey, deeply shocked.
‘Could we transport it somewhere?’ asked Yargal.
‘Where?’
‘Who cares?’ said Scrummage.
‘Me!’ said Harvey.
‘We’ll just have to take it to the Toxic Garbage Dump in the Dork Quadrant,’ said Gizmo. ‘We’ve no choice.’
‘But that’ll take days,’ cried Maxie. ‘I’m not spending days and days with a time bomb ticking away in the hold, which could splatter us into enough mincemeat to make the biggest burger in the galaxy!’
‘I know! Sell it!’ cried Scrummage. He whispered to Harvey. ‘It’s against the law but it’s worth a fortune.’
At this point Gizmo had a fit and swore at Scrummage: ‘!?**! **! ?***!’
(And no, I’m not going to put what he really said. It’s far too rude.)
And Scrummage swore back: ‘!**?*! *? ?**!!*!’
(And no, I’m not going to put what he said either – it’s even ruder.)
‘Quiet, gentlemen!’ ordered Harvey.
In the surprised silence that followed, Maxie fixed her brilliant turquoise eyes on Harvey. ‘So, Captain?’ she said. ‘Again, what are we going to do?’
Chapter Thirteen
Hmm, tricky
Harvey sighed. Every suggestion put someone or other in danger. He didn’t mind for himself – but putting others in jeopardy was different.
‘Computer,’ he asked. ‘What’s the least risky thing to do?’
The computer bleeped in an important way for a second or so then it said, ‘That’s a tricky question. But, if you add up the risks of:
a) getting caught, and
b) getting blown up, and
c) blowing other people up …
‘Then you get … um, quite a big problem … Anyhow, I reckon it’s probably best to take it to the Toxic Garbage Dump. If you use the B16 HyperspaceWay you might just get there before the cargo explodes and kills everyone on board.’
‘Right, that’s what we’ll do, and at full cosmic speed!’ ordered Harvey.
The crew exchanged embarrassed looks and then, reluctantly, Maxie spoke up.
‘Er … I can’t do that I’m afraid, Captain,’ she cringed. ‘We’re … um … banned from the B16 HyperspaceWay.’
‘We got caught speeding,’ said Gizmo, glaring at Scrummage.
‘Don’t look at me – it was Maxie piloting the ship.’
‘I was following orders!’
‘Not my orders!’ snorted Gizmo. ‘I told you to slow down.’ He pointed at Scrummage. ‘But someone belayed my orders.’
‘Don’t you point your finger at me,’ said Scrummage, hauling himself out his seat.
‘Officer Scrummage, SIT!’ ordered Harvey. ‘Let’s all just keep calm – and think.’
It was dead quiet, except for the sound of Snuffles slurping. He’d finished slobbering up food scraps and was now licking dried tomato sauce off the arm of the captain’s chair. At least, I hope it was tomato sauce. Best not look too closely.
After a second or so Harvey spoke. ‘There must be other ways to get to the Toxic Garbage Dump?’
‘Yes, but they’re much longer,’ said Maxie and she showed Harvey a 3D digital star map of Galaxy 43b on her monitor.
(If you’re not interested in space travel and navigation you can skip this next bit and pick it up a few lines later.)
Since you’ve never seen one, you probably can’t actually imagine a 3D digital star map. And you definitely can’t imagine how difficult it is to read one.
It shows planets, stars, meteor belts, HyperspaceWays and interstellar service stations … and it’s criss-crossed with hundreds of coloured lines showing different routes and flight paths. Dotted here and there, Harvey saw little red triangles that looked like pizza slices.
‘What are those?’
‘Takeaway pizza places,’ said Yargal.
Very tricky
Maxie highlighted their options on the map.
‘If we go around the Megon Meteor Belt, it would take about thirteen hours.’
‘Computer, do we have thirteen hours?’ asked Harvey.
‘No … BOOM! Ha ha!’ joked the computer.
‘Or we could zigzag around the Proxima Major Molten Magma Pools. That would take about nine hours.’
‘KA-BOOM!’ joked the computer again.
‘Or there’s the Greater Galaxy Orbital Route – but that’s even longer.’
‘KA-KA-KABOOM!’ said the computer. ‘You will let me know what you decide, won’t you? Only I hate goodbyes.’
‘How long have we got before the cargo is likely to explode?’ said Harvey.
‘Relax! You’ve got at least 6.5 hours!’ it said.
‘Flickering vomit!’ cried Scrummage.
‘Well, Captain?’ said Maxie. And once again, Harvey felt four faces and nine eyes staring at him. The tension was awful. It was worse than a penalty shoot-out in a cup final.
‘If I were captain … ’ started Gizmo.
‘You’re not, so shut up!’ said Maxie. ‘At this point, Captain, the only bad choice is a late choice. We’re running out of time.’
Very, very tricky
Harvey could feel the seconds ticking away … and everyone waiting for him.
‘We take the HyperspaceWay,’ he said firmly.
‘But we’ll be in terrible trouble if we’re caught!’ said Gizmo.
‘Then let’s not get caught,’ said Harvey. ‘And anyhow, what’s the worst that can happen if we are?’
‘Well,’ said Maxie, ‘if the Intergalactic Traffic Police catch us they’ll fine us a vast amount of money, make us sell the Toxic Spew to pay the fine, and send us all to Glacia Minus – an icy planet blasted by blizzards and snow tornadoes that’s so cold we’d freeze to death thirty seconds before we’ve even landed.
’
‘Oh, Captain,’ cried Yargal. ‘I’m too young to be blasted by blizzards and snow tornadoes and frozen to death thirty seconds before we’ve even landed!’
So am I, thought Harvey, but he grinned at the crew in a way that he hoped would inspire confidence and said, ‘So, like I said, let’s not get caught. If we don’t break the speed limit or do anything dodgy, we’ll be fine.’
‘OK, but it’s your fault if it all goes wrong.’ warned Maxie. ‘Computer, plot a course for the B16 HyperspaceWay.’
Full speed ahead
The computer made a few bleeping noises and a very hard sum appeared on the monitor. It was just showing off. Harvey decided to ignore it. ‘Ahead, full cosmic speed,’ he said.
Maxie shoved the flight joystick forward. Harvey was instantly hurled backwards as the Toxic Spew zoomed off. He thwacked his head against the metal headrest of the captain’s chair. Ow! That really hurt, he thought, but he bit his lip and didn’t show it.
Of course, zipping through space at a zillion light years an hour was pretty normal for the crew – even Snuffles.
But to Harvey it was …
MINDBLOWING!
(If you don’t like technical details, you might want to miss this bit too.
Yet again, since you’re from Earth, you’ve only seen spaceships in films, or on TV. So I guess you’re imagining that as the Toxic Spew went into cosmic speed, the space around it went all wibbly wobbly and then … whoooosh … it rocketed away into the distance leaving behind a pile of swirling colours.
Well, that’s exactly what happened! Except for the whoooosh. It was more of a zzzzziiiiip.)
Of course, Harvey couldn’t actually see it, because he was inside the spaceship. Which was just as well. It’s never a good idea to be outside your spaceship when it takes off at cosmic speed. The chance of catching up with it is pretty much exactly zero.
Hurtling through space at cosmic speed was beyond Harvey’s wildest dreams … It was …
AWESOME
and
BRILLIANT
and
ABSOLUTELY FANTASTIC!
He didn’t care how tatty the ship was or how scruffy the crew were. He almost didn’t care about the Explo-Foam in the hold. Just at that minute all he could think about was that he was in command of the Toxic Spew and it was the greatest feeling in the entire Known Universe, and Beyond.
‘Steady as she goes, Pilot Officer Maxie,’ he said.
‘Aye, Captain,’ she replied. ‘We are thirty seconds from the B16 HyperspaceWay.’
Through the vast front vision screen, in the far distance, Harvey could see a line of lights in the endless starry sky, a bit like a runway … then more lights, but moving so fast they were all blurred. As they got nearer, Harvey saw they belonged to masses of spacecraft zooming along the HyperspaceWay.
He couldn’t imagine how Maxie was going to get the Toxic Spew onto the HyperspaceWay without crashing into anything.
Funnily enough, she didn’t …
They had only just zipped onto the HyperspaceWay when –
COLLISION ALERT! COLLISION ALERT!
The warning system screamed hysterically.
‘Aaaaaargh!’ screamed the crew, even more hysterically.
A massive KT90 double-decker space bus was heading straight at them!
Chapter Fourteen
Heavy traffic
‘LEFT!’ yelled Gizmo.
‘RIGHT!’ screamed Scrummage.
Maxie desperately yanked the controls and, at the very last moment – whoooosshhhh – the Toxic Spew darted sideways and whizzed past the massive space bus, with only the thickness of a bus ticket between them … and only to meet another huge spaceship immediately behind it! And more behind that one, all bearing down on them at incredible speed!
COLLISION ALERT! COLLISION ALERT!
The crew all screamed again. ‘Aaaaarrrgh!’
SWERVE …
WHOOSH!!!
‘We’re going up the down space-lane!’ cried Maxie.
‘Computer!’ gasped Harvey, clinging to the arms of the captain’s chair in terror. ‘What’ve you done?’
‘Oh, whoops! Sorry!’ it said cheerfully.
‘SORRY!?’ cried Scrummage clinging onto the edge of his desk, his turquoise eyes wide with terror.
Gizmo was too busy throwing up into an empty paper cup to speak, and Yargal had flung all six of her tentacles over her three eyes. Even Snuffles crouched and whimpered under the flight desk.
The computer’s keyboard lights flickered frantically. ‘Oh, chill! I just made a little mistake in my sums,’ it said, bleeping busily. ‘Oh look – I added seven when I should have taken it away. I didn’t do it on purpose!’ it bleeped huffily.
COLLISION ALERT! COLLISION ALERT!
‘AHEAD! REVERSE!’ yelled Gizmo and Scrummage.
‘QUIET!’ ordered Harvey. ‘Maxie doesn’t need you two bellowing at her. And turn off that alarm – it’s making us nervous!’
‘Thanks,’ said Maxie without taking her eyes off the vision screen.
DART …
ZIIIP …
The Toxic Spew narrowly missed a Stella-Line Q656 cargo carrier.
Maxie sat hunched forward, her fingers flying over the controls as she swerved like a striker weaving round the defence. Harvey didn’t know how to pilot a spaceship, but he knew talent when he saw it. Blimey he thought, how can she be that brilliant at her age? It was only her outstanding skill as a pilot that was keeping them all from instant death.
SWERVE …
WHOOSH …
They zipped around a pangalactic cruise ship with hundreds of holidaying aliens onboard and on its way to the popular tourist planet Verudia.
‘Can’t we pull over?’ asked Harvey.
‘That’s illegal!’ said Maxie.
‘What, and going the wrong way isn’t? Let’s just stop!’
‘No! That’s not allowed either. I could lose my pilot’s licence.’
Harvey reckoned that was going to be the least of their problems. But suddenly the word
STOP!
… in massive red letters flashed onto all three vision screens and a loud bossy voice boomed around the bridge.
‘THIS IS THE INTERGALACTIC TRAFFIC POLICE. PULL OVER AND STOP!’
‘Oh no!’ wailed Yargal.
‘Flickering spew!’ spluttered Scrummage.
‘What are we going to do?’ cried Gizmo.
It seemed pretty obvious to Harvey. ‘Pull over and stop!’
‘NO!’ yelled the crew.
‘We can’t get caught with a cargo hold full of Explo-Foam!’ cried Scrummage.
‘STOP AND PULL OVER IMMEDIATELY! THAT MEANS: RIGHT NOW!!!’ boomed the voice.
SWERVE …
WHOOOOOOSH!
They just missed a tiny starport taxi.
Harvey hardly dared look. But he forced himself to … and immediately wished he hadn’t.
ZAPP! ZAPP! ZAPP-ZAPP!
Streaks of angry red rays zipped past the vision screens.
‘Shields UP!’ barked Gizmo.
‘They’re shooting at us?!’ cried Harvey in disbelief.
‘Of course!’ said Scrummage. ‘The Intergalactic Traffic Police have the most powerful NovaBlaster ray guns in the entire Galaxy. And they’re not afraid to use them – in fact, they enjoy it!’
ZAPP! ZAPP-ZAPP! ZAPP!
‘Oh, Captain, I’m too young to be zapped by the most powerful NovaBlaster ray guns in the entire galaxy!’ wept Yargal, and strings of slimy grey snot spluttered out of her nostrils.
Suddenly …
ZIIIIP! FLASH, FLASH, FLASH!
The police craft sliced across in front of them, with millimetres to spare, forcing them to swerve right off the HyperspaceWay. Its blue lights blazed angrily and then its giant red brake lights came on as the mighty craft slowed to a halt in front of them.
‘Maxie! LOOK OUT!’ cried Harvey.
The engines of the Toxic Spew
screamed and the booster rockets screeched as Maxie hauled on the supersonic handbrake. The crew plummeted forwards in their seats and Yargal was thrown across the bridge and hurled against the front vision screen with a mighty
SQUELCH!
The rear brake lights of the Intergalactic Traffic Police’s ship loomed horribly closer.
Desperately Maxie clung onto the supersonic handbrake with both hands … ‘Captain, help!’ she cried. ‘I can’t hold it any longer!’
Harvey leapt up, grabbed the flight joysticks and yanked them over to the left for all he was worth.
Chapter Fifteen
Ooooops!
SKER-DUMPF
The Toxic Spew skidded off the left-hand rear rocket booster of the police ship … and then scraped all along its left-hand side –
SKER-REECHH
… and shattered twenty-four blue hazard warning lights –
SKER-RUNCHH!
Finally, it stopped.
Amazingly, no one was hurt.
Yargal hugged Harvey soggily. ‘Captain you saved us!’
‘Well done, sir,’ said Gizmo.
‘Good flying!’ said Scrummage.
‘Don’t thank me,’ said Harvey. ‘Thank Maxie. She’s just spent the last fifteen minutes piloting this ship with death-defying skill. If it wasn’t for her, we’d be history.’
But Maxie was sitting with her head buried in her hands.
Harvey went over to her. ‘Are you OK?’
She didn’t even look up. ‘No. We are in soooo much trouble!’
The crew thought about this for a nanobeat and then everyone launched into a quick game of ‘I Blame You’.
(In case you don’t play this game on Earth: there are no rules – you just have to blame someone else either before they can blame you, or more than they can blame you. Or both.)
Gizmo kicked off. ‘Fine captain you turned out to be!’ he snorted at Harvey.
‘What did I do?’
‘You said take the HyperspaceWay!’
‘I also said don’t do anything dodgy – you know, like go the wrong way … or smash into an Intergalactic Traffic Police ship!’