I asked, “What do you mean?”
He looked at me, sighed, and rolled his eyes. “Nothing, forget I said anything about Eskimos or images.” He unzipped his coat.
“Nope, can’t, tell me. We’re doing that thing where we talk about everything, right? One of the conditions of our relationship.”
Teddy looked at me for a minute, brows furrowed, cheeks red. Then, looking at the wall beside my head, said, “When I’m thinking about you, being with you, I have an image in my head, that’s . . ..” He shook his head and looked down.
I raised his chin with my gloved hand. “Tell me.”
“It’s you, with your legs wrapped around that guy, at the concert, and you’re smiling. It’s the first time you were smiling in so long, and his hands were—”
My eyes grew wide with horror, “Oh no, oh. I didn’t realize you were . . .” But I had seen him that night, passed him, our eyes had met, and somehow I had just forgotten. “Oh. Is that what you’ve been thinking about?”
“Yeah, you know, can we forget I said anything? In hindsight that comes off as kind of a dick thing to say.” He looked everywhere but at me. “It was cold outside, and we’ve had a lot of interruptions, and I haven’t surfed in like forever, and you know,” he cut his eyes at me and joked, “Cold left nuts are kind of damn funny.”
I shook my head. “They are funny, and someday I would like to sit down and work through the logic problem of where in the hell is one half of that Eskimo’s pants, but right now, here, we need to talk about this . . .”
“No, no more talking, we’ve been talking our whole lives, Sid; we’ve done that. I mean—you want me, don’t you Sid?”
“Yes, I do, I—I am so sorry Teddy. I’m sorry I sent you away after my mom died. I’m sorry that I hooked up with Gavin. I’m so sorry about that night in the club.”
“You don’t have to say you’re sorry.”
“You know, you keep saying that, like these are all things that just happened to me, but you’re being too nice. My mother dying, that was out of my control. But the way I behaved after, the mean things I said, the way I treated you, those things I did. I regret them. I need to apologize to you for them, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry Teddy. And Gavin was such a big mistake, but it was like I wasn’t thinking, I was just going along. Swept away.”
Teddy’s brow furrowed. “But that’s the problem, maybe you aren’t swept away by me.”
I put my hand on his cheek, “But I am Teddy, I just needed to go slow, to make sure, and I am sure, but now we’re booked in this hostel, bunkbeds, and we have all the time in the world, right?”
Teddy nodded. “Yeah, we do.”
“I have a surf buddy back home who is always telling me, ‘Go slow, be patient, wait for the right time.’”
Teddy gave me a half-smile. “He sounds like a total ass.”
I leaned up and kissed him.
He said, “Did I mention that it’s been a really long time since I surfed?”
I laughed. “Yeah, you mentioned it, and I get the tragedy, Teddy Ayers, not in the ocean.” I smiled. “We’ll get through this, because we’re together now. Me and you.”
“Of course, me and you.” He kissed me and (terrible timing) I checked my phone for the time, it was past eleven.
He sighed, “We have a tour tomorrow, should we head to bed?”
We kissed and headed up to our separate bunk rooms.
One Hundred Forty-One
Teddy
When I walked into the kitchen, she was standing at the counter toasting bread. Her large bandage was gone from her nose, replaced by a small bandaid, instead of a big bandage, her cheek had two small butterfly bandages. Her eyes looked like they were closer to a normal color. When I walked in her face lit up, like she had missed me. “Hi, want toast?”
I strode up, placed a hand on her cheek, and kissed her in front of the toaster and the four other people in the kitchen, because I seriously couldn’t help myself. This interrupted, never-alone business was hard. But I had given myself a pep-talk, no more sulking or being depressed, Sid and I were together now. Traveling the UK. We might not have any privacy, but deep breaths and long term thinking would be good.
Up close I said, “Your face looks almost perfect again.”
She pointed over her shoulder with her thumb at a girl who smiled and waved, “Trudy loaned me some heavy, heavy duty foundation and concealer. I thought it might be an improvement if I didn’t have to explain that you aren’t an abuser to every single person we meet.”
“I appreciate that, thanks Trudy.”
We took our toast and coffee to the dining room and sat at a table full of people talking about what adventures they planned that day. A few were headed to Edinburgh Castle, so I warned them that Sid would hog the tour guide asking question after question.
Sid slugged me on the shoulder. “I’m just making sure they know what they’re talking about.”
After a few minutes, as the crowd at our table thinned out, she cocked her head to the side and asked, “Are we good, after last night?”
I nodded, “Yeah, we’re good. I’m sorry about that. Petulant is not usually my style.”
Sid said, “I know. If you’re upset, it must be big. And it was, and I’m glad you told me. If I could go back in time and tell Sid-Whose-Mom-Just-Died to do everything differently I would. She needed some serious help.”
“I tried to help.”
“I know, and I thought I was protecting you from my sadness by sending you away.”
“We both could have used good advice, huh?”
“Yeah, it was a terrible time for my mom to die.”
“True that.”
“But here we are—” Four people sat down beside us at the table, talking and laughing and being loud, and Sid finished, “alone together.” And we both laughed.
A large group of us went to the castle and they all got to see Sid in action, asking questions, jotting things in her journal. I teased her a little, but not seriously, she was bouncing and so happy. I couldn’t take my eyes off her.
After the castle, Sid and I ate a late lunch at a pub right outside the castle gates, and then we went to the Tartan Weaving Mill and watched the looms. So that was cool. After we had seen everything, we stood looking out the doors—almost a whole day had passed. I said, “It’s almost dark and it’s freezing. This climate is insane.”
“I know, it’s like the weather is saying, ‘Stay in bed, stay in your pajamas.”
I laughed, “It is. And that was my whole point yesterday. We should be in bed together. When we return to LA, the weather will demand we get up and go surfing.” I threw my arm around her and she kissed me on the side of my neck and we left the museum to hustle to the hostel, blowing frosty breaths and laughing.
One Hundred Forty-Two
Sid
We walked into the lobby and stood shoulder to shoulder facing the doorway to the lounge. It was warm in there, a giant painted rainbow arched over the back wall. It was inviting, but also crowded. We stood there just looking at it, but not moving toward it. Teddy said, “Maybe we could just stand here and kiss for a moment.”
“In the lobby again?”
“Yeah,” he reached for my gloved hand and pulled me toward the corner, backed me up to the wall, and kissed me. We kissed for a long time. Then his lips left my mouth and travelled up my cheek to my ear, where he asked, all breathy, “Remind me again, why we’re going slow?”
He kissed down my neck and somehow I said, “I think it had something to do with being scared, but who can remember . . .”
He pulled his lips away, a teasing centimeter apart, looking into my eyes, and whispered, “Scared of me?”
“Never.”
He paused for a second and then trailed kisses down my cheek to my ear. “Scared of blowing apart our relationship? Because you’ve blown everything apart and guess what, I’m still here.”
“Now that you’re putting it like this I can’t remem
ber what any of the reasons were.”
“I feel the same way.” He kissed along my forehead, my eyelids.
My arms went up around his head, he pulled me close, pressing against me. “Scared that this is so important? It is by the way, big deep important. You’re not usually one to sit and wait it out.”
A group of giggling tourists walked by and one said, “Get a room.”
I giggled.
He kissed to my ear and whispered, “That stranger has a great idea, I say, let’s get a room.”
My lips to his ear, I said, “Yes.”
He stilled, and looked at me from the side. “Yes?”
“Yes.”
“Awesome.” He pulled away.
I straightened, grabbed my bag up from the ground, and walked directly for the counter, Teddy following.
There was a young woman sitting there scrolling through her phone. I hadn’t noticed her, half-hidden behind brochures and posters and fliers and informational boards. She said, “Let me guess, private room?”
I said, “Yes, um, you have them?”
She said, “We have them, but you don’t want one—twin bunks.” She grinned. She grabbed a piece of paper to the side and shoved it across the counter. What you want is a room here. That’s where we send everyone in your particular predicament. Though I must say, yours might be more particular than most.” She raised her eyebrows with a laugh.
The paper read:
The Stuart Bed and Breakfast
It had a phone number and a hand drawn map.
“Tell Mary the hostel sent you, she’ll give you a deal. No refunds here though.”
I was already dialing my phone.
A woman answered with a deep Scottish accent, like seriously, deep Scottish.
I said, “Hello, I’m calling from the High Street Hostel, I need a room tonight.”
The voice said, “Good! (Unintelligible something something) double, but (something unintelligible) sixty.”
I made a confused face at Teddy.
I asked, “Okay, we can come now?”
The voice said, “Yes (unintelligible something) lassie, hostel (unintelligible) toodly-oo.”
“Okay we’ll see you in a few minutes.”
I hung up. “How fast can you pack?”
“Fast.”
One Hundred Forty-Three
Teddy
It was dark outside. Too cold to be out on the streets, but here we were, Sid and me, packs on our backs, leaving our warm hostel for another place. Together.
She had surprised me with her yes. Not because I didn’t think she would want to, eventually, but mostly because I had surprised myself by asking. We had talked this all out. I was going to be patient. We would wait, take our time.
But here we were, the next day, deciding to go to the next level, because we had started kissing and didn’t want to stop.
It was a lot like Sid had been swept away.
One Hundred Forty-Four
Sid
That had been amazing. All the logic and reason and excuses I had been making were gone, and this—me and Teddy, racing through the cold dark streets of Edinburgh was really happening. I was two steps ahead, and I reached for his hand. “Come on Teddy, faster.”
His grin was wide.
One Hundred Forty-Five
Teddy
Mary, a short, plump woman with a gray helmet of hair and thick eyeglasses, met us at the front door of the B and B, took a look at Sid, and immediately rushed me with a dish towel, whipping it at my shoulders, yelling, “You’re a scoundrel (unintelligible) scamp (something) no good (unintelligible) ninnyswallop!”
I ducked and tried to block her swinging linen.
Sid yelled, “He didn’t do it. He didn’t hit me. He wouldn’t.”
The woman slowed down. “(Something something) scallywag (unintelligible).”
Sid said, “It was a boy from London. This is my American friend, here to help me forget the scoundrel in London.”
Mary scowled. “Bah, London, all hooligans.” She shook her head, then smiled, her face brightening, and put her hands on the side of my shoulders, “(Undecipherable)—the Prince!” She kissed me on the cheek and then she kissed Sid on the cheek and put her arm around Sid and led her to her dining room table to take our information and payment for the room. We figured all this out by watching her body language and lots of guessing. Because she talked fast, thick, and with so much slang that we only understood every fourth word.
After about fifteen minutes she led us up to the room, pointed out the bathroom in the hallway, and then opened our room door, entered, showed us the spring on the mattress, and how to open the drawers. At the end she said a whole thing about something and left, so I threw my arms around Sid and leaned in for a kiss, but Mary reentered without knocking, and said something like, “Common you, find waste want with yourselves.” She looked directly at me and gestured to come with her.
I sheepishly followed down the stairs to the kitchen where she handed me a teapot with involved instructions I understood none of and a plate with a dozen chocolate chip cookies on it. They were warm from the oven. She said, “(Something, something,)” and gestured that we were through with the tour.
I climbed the stairs, lost for a few minutes, because in all of that I had been distracted by Sid and did not remember where my room was.
One Hundred Forty-Six
Sid
Teddy walked in with a flourish, “I have come with trophies, a teapot with questionable instructions and cookies!”
“Yum!”
I reached for one, but Teddy pulled the plate away, “I know they look all warm and delicious, but I swear I can’t watch you eat one without real trauma.” He dropped the plate to the dresser and scooped up my whole shirt, sweater, and undershirt and pulled them off over my head.
He grinned. “This is why people live where it’s this cold, so when they take off all these layers it’s like Pow! Wow! This is why we should move here.” He unzipped his coat, slid it off his arms, and then yanked his shirt off over his head. By this time I had started shivering.
He said, “I did not think this through. It’s freezing in here.” He wrapped me in his arms and pulled me close.
“Under the covers quick.” I dove for the bed.
As Teddy climbed in underneath the bottom of the down comforter, he said, “Oh my god, Sid, are you feeling this, it’s like a cloud. Wow.” It was spread over two blankets and crisp sheets. We spent some time, giggling a lot, trying to keep our top halves under the covers while we untied boots, kicked them off, and yanked off our socks, and undressed.
Then Teddy crawled out from under the covers and kissed me and we made love, under a cloud, at the end of a crash, in the height of our friendship, in a bed-and-breakfast named after Mary Queen of Scots’s family, in Scotland.
When we were done, Teddy lying on my whole body, my legs sprawled, my arms flung above my head, he rose up on his elbows and kissed me slowly.
I looked up and deep into his eyes. “That was amazing, I don’t know if it’s because I love you so much or—”
He stilled and his eyes grew wide. “What?”
“That was amazing.”
“I heard that, and it was, but you just said you love me.”
“I’m sure I’ve said it before?”
“I would know, I’ve been waiting.”
His thumbs were on my temples. He raised his brows. “Sid loves me?”
I nodded solemnly.
“You’re sweaty and your eyes are, God, your eyes, and you have your bedroom smile, and you said you loved me. Say it again.”
“I love you so much.”
“Now it sounds too scripted, like I made you. Wait,” He kissed me on the lips and down my cheek to my ear and back to my lips and looked at me and said, “Now.”
“I love you Teddy Ayers.”
His head dropped to my pillow. “I love you too Sid Dalton. When did you know?”
I raised
my head a little to see his face. “When did you know?”
“I knew when you were twelve and you said, ‘Teddy I’ve been reading a book about Mary Queen of Scots and I said to myself, ‘This is the nerd I’ll spend my whole life loving.’”
I pretended to push him. “You did not.”
“If that wasn’t what I said exactly, it was something like that. What about you, just now, when you saw my awesome sex moves?”
He had a curl loose on his forehead. I brushed it back. “I think when we went surfing, the day after Thanksgiving.”
“It was my amazing surf moves? Man Sid, this just gets better and better.”
I laughed. “It was more the way you stood there in your wetsuit, looking out over the waves, like you can’t take your eyes off of them, every minute. You’re so committed. So true to your nature, so real. I fell in love with you a bit, and then over and over a bit here and there until I was so deep I can barely breathe thinking about you.”
He looked down at me and blinked. “Whoa, for saying it like that you get a cookie.”
He crawled under the cloud and out, gingerly stepped to the cold floor, and hustled to the dresser, grabbed two cookies and ran back and dove in. He handed one to me, laying on his side, eating a cookie, his head resting on his hand. He chewed and watched me chew and then he smiled, a big smile, ear to ear.
“What?”
“That was before you came to London.”
“True. I started to love you before I came to London.”
“I knew it, I one hundred percent knew I should come. I packed my bags, jumped on a plane, I just knew it.” He pulled the covers over his head and burrowed down under them. “I’m going to eat mine on your tummy, where we first kissed.”
Sid and Teddy Page 23