He eventually ALLOWED me to get up, and followed me, and it damn near broke my heart, cause he didn’t seem so tough and unbreakable anymore. He seemed like a lost puppy.
I got to the door
(with him right behind me – now he chooses to walk me out??),
and Evvy said, “You can call me.”
And I whipped round and cried, “Ever, no!! I’ve told you how I feel. I want to be with you, but not like this. YOU call ME when you want a relationship. A real one. Not this shit.”
Ever hates ultimatums, he hates not being in control, and I could see his motherfucking, stubborn ass, ego driven
(like all males)
face change.
Gone was Lost Puppy, in was Stubborn Asshole.
He started shaking his head, said, “NO. No. I. Won’t.”
I opened his door. “Ever, I’m done. I’m not going to argue with you any more.”
And I turned and walked out.
And he let me!! He fucking let me!!
How can he let me go???
I can’t believe the way he held me and kissed me. I felt it, even if he couldn’t (wouldn’t) say it. But I know myself, and I can’t keep going through any more of this crap with him, any more of these outings where he ignores me completely, any more of his ‘don’t touch me or talk to me’ moods.
Enough is enough. I gave it six months of a go.
Yet I feel completely heartbroken.
Wednesday 29 November 2000
6.58pm
I’m lying in bed feeling very sorry for myself. I’m getting sick AGAIN.
This is what happens from total lack of sleep and being so upset.
I think I cried for HOURS last night. Was just wrong, being that sad.
House is quiet. Work was long. Nat and Dan are MIA.
I can’t believe last night. All that went down, all that was said. I can’t believe I let Evvy see me cry THAT HARD. I was bawling, sobbing, “You’re not madly in love with me!!” and he looked to die for. So gorgeous. So intense. So, haha, this is ironic, MADLY IN LOVE WITH ME.
But I need words. More than words, I need actions!! I need him all over me in the club. I’m not asking for much. I’m asking for the basics.
I’ve settled so much in the past. Put up with full-on abuse…I’m not gonna settle this time.
For me to be involved, for my heart to be this involved, it has to be spectacular.
Keep remembering other moments.
He said, “It won’t be like this forever, how it’s been between us. It will evolve, become more.”
“I think they’re empty promises, Everard.”
“Ugh!!”
(random pull his hair out moment. Before getting back to kissing me)
“I won’t wait another year.”
He clasped my face then, gave me this intense look. “You think you’ll stop hurting by doing this? By ending things between us? You won’t stop hurting, Karina. I know you. You care too damn much – ”
“I can’t care anymore. It’s hurting me too much. Better to be hurt this badly, once, than over and over again with you – ”
“So you’re just protecting yourself over seeing where this goes between us!!”
“So are you, Everard, by refusing to let this go anywhere!!”
Oh, it hurts.
Oh my God, Matt rang me.
(pause, for heart palpitations. God, there’s a part of me ALREADY that wants Matt and all he can give me, and I’m already hyperventilating about that)
He said Melissa told him her and Nathan were staying at ours for the Christmas party, and he wanted to know if it was alright if he comes here, too, and jumps in the taxi with us.
I feel SO HAPPY he’s coming. I get so sick of turning up to EVERYTHING on my own. Will be nice to have Matt there beside me.
Oh, and GET THIS. Evvy was invited as my plus one to the Christmas party, and he refused. I told him last night I was upset about that, too. His constant refusal to be my boyfriend at things.
Now Ever just rang. He breaks my heart.
I was hoping it would be him
(even though it’s not his OCD time for calling),
and it was.
“Hey woman,” he said, the way he does that drives me crazy.
Then there was silence between us.
“I don’t know what to say,” he said miserably.
“My feelings aren’t going to stop, cause you’re not around,” I said sadly.
Ever let out a sad breath. “I know, woman. I know.”
Silence filled with deep meaning and longing.
“I’ll call you when I’m ready,” he said.
“Okay.”
“I want to see you, woman.” Oh God, his voice when he growled that out.
“No, Evvy.”
Frustrated cry. “I would think this is just some female ploy to force me into a relationship. But I know you. I know you would rather me be fully into you than force me into something I’m not ready for or can’t do.”
“That’s probably the smartest thing you’ve ever said, Everard.”
“You’re not like other girls, Karina.” He said it like a compliment.
“Yeah, that’s why I’m always alone.” I choked on my own tears then.
Ever growled a sexy growl. “If I had my way, this wouldn’t be happening. We would be together right now.” Pause. “I want you to come over. Now.”
“No, Ever,” I whispered. “I’ve gotta be tough here.”
More frustrated noises by Evvy.
“Ever, if you really wanted a relationship, things would be very different between us. You don’t want one, you can’t do one! So why can’t you just tell me you can’t?”
“CAUSE IT’LL MAKE IT TOO EASY FOR YOU TO WALK AWAY FROM ME, KARINA!!” he yelled. Pause, as he calmed himself down. “What would you do if I told you I couldn’t do a relationship, that was it?”
“I’d walk,” I whispered.
“There you go!”
“How can you just let me go, Ever?”
“I DON’T WANT YOU TO!!”
“But you’re letting me.”
“There’s nothing I can do!”
“There’s plenty – ”
“UGH, WOMAN!!! We just keep going over the same things – ”
“I know. That’s why I’m doing this. It’s over, Ever.”
“DON’T SAY THAT! You’ve never ONCE said that! You’ve never ONCE said it’s over before – ”
(oh God, his voice then. He sounded DESTROYED. It hit me in the chest like a knife)
“Well, what would you call it?? It seems pretty over to me, Everard.”
“No. No it’s not.”
“IT IS, Everard. You’re calling me when you’re ready. It’s over. For now.”
“YOUR RULES, WOMAN, this is YOU DOING THIS – ”
We got off the phone.
Think I’m dying of a broken heart.
Thursday 30 November 2000
9.33pm
Had another bloody course at work. Nat got out of it, somehow, and left me there to suffer.
I’ve come home to Nat and Dan having the biggest blew.
Nat’s in their room, crying her eyes out that Dan won’t come to the Christmas party.
So I go out to Dan, and he’s fully blaming me for not going!! Cause I broke up with Evvy!
And I was all, “Newsflash!!!! Evvy wasn’t fucking going anyway!!”
And Dan was all, “He WAS planning on going!!! And you fucked it up!”
So I started screaming at Dan, Dan started screaming at me, and Nat came out and started screaming at both of us!!
And I’ve slammed my bedroom door hard enough to shake the house.
Chapter 19
A SINFUL CHRISTMAS
Friday 1 December 2000
7.11am
It doesn’t seem right to be this depressed on the first day of Christmas.
I had a terrible dream Evvy didn’t want me. I woke up with a start, i
n tears.
I have GOT to pull myself together.
10.10pm
I’ve ended up having a GREAT day!!
I love fun days. They make life worth living.
So I dragged myself into work, and Joy cheered me up straight away. She sensed I was down before I even stepped into the office. We met in the kitchen and she was all, “Uh-oh. What happened?”
“Why, do I look like shit?” I freaked, my hand coming up to my hair.
“No, you look incredibly GORGEOUS as usual, and I’m as jealous as ever. But you seem very down. You have that whole ADORABLE wounded puppy dog vibe about you.”
So I told her about Evvy, my car, the excess cost, money woes, etc.
She then told me ways to make myself happy, by filling my days doing things that make me happy.
Joy gets so deep and meaningful in her advice. I love when she gets like that. Talks to my soul.
Gives me hope there is so much more to come for me.
She even offered to drive me down the coast every day, if that would make me happy. Oh, I love her! I can just see me, Joy and Pheebs on the beach every day.
I gave her a big kiss and a hug, told her I loved her, then felt way more prepared for my day.
She always has this way of making me feel better. She’s
(get this!)
a JOY.
Then I enter the office, expecting the worst, and Ange (Missy Moo) runs over to me and gives me an old Barbie of hers, still in it’s original box!!
It’s Baywatch Barbie. I love her!!
I love my Missy Moo, too.
So the whole office and warehouse were just in this festive, it’s-almost-the-Christmas-party-and-we’re-so-excited-mood! Everyone was just so happy and bouncing off walls and laughing and flirting and cheering and singing.
(more than usual)
I felt like I’d stepped onto the set of a Christmas movie. An Aussie Christmas one set at a young, funky haircare company.
Renee, Office Manager Extraordinaire, had the brilliant idea of letting us have Friday afternoon drinks earlier, starting at 3pm instead of 4 or 5pm – letting us all get tipsy and then climb on desks and unsteady ladders and decorate the tree and the whole office.
Of course someone was going to fall off a table.
I’m just sorry it was me.
Everyone was laughing themselves stupid as they tried to pull me up off the floor and the Christmas tree I’d just crushed by falling on top of.
“You’ve already had one back surgery, Pinky!” John Cash yelled as he left for the day. “You don’t need another one!”
“No one give her any more alcohol,” Nanna Nat declared, standing up, on the phone.
Then straight from work I went to Tee’s, and she made me ANOTHER outstanding dinner. That girl can cook!!!! It’s like dining at some fancy restaurant.
(she should open her own restaurant)
Anyway, she had the grand idea of letting me whip the cream for the butterscotch pancakes she was making from scratch for dessert.
First, I whipped the cream so hard it turned into like hard, orange lumps.
(where did the orange colour come from??? So confused by that)
Tee gave a gasp of horror when I showed her, but washed the bowl and electric mixer tongs out, and handed it all back to me again.
(didn’t she learn??)
Second attempt, I accidently pressed the eject button on the tongs, and they flew across the kitchen and hit a wall. Cream moderately everywhere.
Again the crazy woman patiently washed it all out
(while we couldn’t stop laughing)
and gave it all to me again.
Clearly, this was my cue to end on a spectacular note.
When I stuck the mixer in the bowl on my third attempt, I accidently put it on high, and cream went EVERYWHERE, and I mean, EVERYWHERE.
In our faces, all over us, the walls, THE CEILING.
“I’m having a bit of a clumsy day,” I declared, cream dripping off my eyelashes.
“YOU THINK?!!!” screamed Tee, but we were doubled over, laughing. “I’m never asking you to whip cream again! Now get out of my kitchen!!”
We laughed for like half an hour. Was so funny.
I’ve had so much fun today. What a great day this turned out to be.
You never know how your day will end up.
Sunday 3 December 2000
9.47pm
Oh my god, I’ve had the best weekend!!!!! Too much has happened, too much to tell!!!
I was so tired yesterday from being at Tee’s till late the night before, then I had to get up at the crack of dawn and go back to Tee’s, pick her up, and drive us to the hairdressers. I love going to the hairdressers with Tee. We used to do it all the time. It’s so fun and girly!!
Then we went shopping at Carindale, for something for me to wear to the Christmas party. I found a GORGEOUS pink sparkling dress for $55.
Then we went back to hers and she made me this BEAUTIFUL lunch, and she did my nails and curled my hair.
What a best friend.
She totally pampered me. I feel so special.
Then I had to race home to finish getting ready before Matt, Melissa and Nathan arrived.
Matt looked DROP DEAD HOT.
He was in evening pants and a crisp, white shirt and an 80’s like black thin tie. It just worked on him.
SUPER worked on him. I just wanted to grab him and nuzzle into that white shirt. I wanted to feel my cheek pressed against its crispness.
That shirt really did it for me for some reason! I was like, overcome with longing for him.
He walked into the lounge room behind Melissa and Nath, and was all, “I tried ringing you this morning, Karina.”
I paused, where I was in the dining room, pouring drinks for us all. My heart was going ba-doom ba-doom ba-doom ba-doom in my ears. “You did?”
“Yeah, about seven thirty,” Matt replied, moving closer to me, coming to rest right near me.
(badoombadoombadoombadoombadoom)
“I crashed my car last night.” He laughed, as if all in good fun.
“Your Commodore?” I gasped.
(my heart seriously breaks for every Commodore crashed or mistreated)
“What happened?” Melissa asked, sitting at the dining table, grabbing a drink I’d poured.
“I don’t know. Tired from the fire brigade and work. Dozed off, hit a parked car.”
Long story short, he rang me first thing Saturday to tell me. If that was Evvy, I’d find out through Nat and Dan.
It feels SO NICE to be needed. Wanted, even. And needed in this pure, innocent way Matt has, not some manipulative, controlling, domestic violence kind of way.
It’s just so damn sweet.
So the six of us drank here before getting a cab all the way to Wynnum, and this fancy Boat Shed restaurant on a pier hanging over the water.
The whole restaurant had been booked out for us, reps were up from all over Australia, our cosmetics company was there, there were people everywhere. Fairy lights shone and the view over the bay was stunning.
Matt looked so fricking spiff, I just kept looking at him all night, wanting him in a way I can’t really understand or fathom where it’s come from.
He’s like a speeding train coming towards me, and I’m just stuck on the tracks, watching as he approaches.
(God, that was a good analogy)
Matt sat next to me on one side, and Melinda was on my other, with Lachie, Benny, Jonny, Melissa, Nathan, and Nat and Dan at our table.
People got shuffled around as the night wore on
(and the drunker we got),
and I ended up next to Lachie and across from Matt.
Which was better, cause I got a direct view of Matt then.
Not TOO much happened at the Christmas party…was tame by Sin standards.
Matt began the evening giving me intense, loving looks, and ended the night with a look on his face that I thought meant, “Holy
(goly)
hell, woman, I’m into you, but I don’t know how to handle you.”
(I got a wee bit intoxicated)
The most fun of the night was Lachie and I challenging each other to Black Sambucca shots.
(that were on fire!)
Everybody else began the challenge -
“Pinky, I challenge you to go head to head with me with Flaming Black Sambucca,” Lachie laughed, and I was all, “You’re on, surfer boy!!” to much eye rolls and groans from Nat and Dan.
“If I have to clean up her spew one more time, I’m gonna kill her and bury her in the backyard,” Dan declared.
(rather grandly, I feel)
- but bailed after one or two.
Lachie and I kept going, pouring another –
“You still standing, Pinky?”
“Better than you, cowboy!”
And another –
“Let me, AHAHAHAHAHAHA, help you up off the floor, Pinky. OOF.” Falls down with me. We’re in fits together on the floor.
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