“You’re in a bad mood.”
“You’re perceptive.”
“Now you’re just being sarcastic – ”
“I’m just tired.”
“It’s more than that.”
“Yeah. Well.”
“Baby – “
“Don’t call me baby at work!” I hissed.
“Oh JEEZ. It’s okay, Karina. You’re freaking out for NO REASON – ”
“Feels like bloody good reasons to me!”
“Let me come over tonight, and I’ll make you forget.”
“Oh God no – ”
“Why not?”
“You see this mood I’m in?? The baby needs to put herself to bed and catch up on some sleep.”
Matt gave me that intense look I love and squirm under. “As long as that’s the only reason.”
I don’t know why I felt guilty then. It WAS the only reason.
(wasn’t it???)
But he clearly needed reassuring. And he deserved it. “Matt, I’m not gonna do anything stupid, okay? I may be tripping, but I’m in this WITH YOU. I’m not with what’s his face anymore.”
“Okay.”
“Okay?”
“Yeah. I trust you, Karina. It’s not even HIM I’m really worried about.”
“No?”
“I’m worried about YOU. How scared and stressed you are. It’s really not normal to be this frightened of relationships – ”
“Matt. I’m not normal!”
“Yeah, I’m figuring that out REAL QUICK – ”
Lachie and Benny and Little Jonny came in then, and I scattered quicker than was really necessary, toppling over chairs and tripping over my own feet, and running smack into Benny and not even stopping to laugh or make a joke.
Matt told me later Benny asked, “What’s up with Pinky?” and Lachie just laughed and laughed, cause he knows all about Matt and I. Matt stayed silent apparently.
Then after work, Matt walked me to my car, and I made him lean on one side while I leaned on the other. “Seriously, Karina?”
“What?” I put my chin in my hand and watched him. I wanted to be in his arms so bad it hurt.
“You’ve put a CAR between us now.”
“I’m just a bit OFF today – ”
“I don’t understand how it’s gone from you SITTING ON MY COCK, to you can’t bear for me to touch you!”
“Oh God.” I buried my face in my hands.
“What?”
“Just everything you say. Turns me on SO MUCH.”
“If you don’t want everyone to know about us, fine. I can control myself – ”
“CAN YOU??!!”
“Yes! But this just looks ODD, us like this. We’re so far apart. We just wouldn’t STAND like this, if nothing was going on between us.”
A few of the boys were heading to their row of Commodores. They were all giving us curious looks.
“Shit, you’re right, they all know something’s going
on – ”
“Well, you put a CAR WIDTH between us, they’re gonna catch on.”
“Errr! This is so hard!”
“Yes. It is.” He shot me a meaningful look.
“Stop. I can’t deal. I’m going home.”
“Karina?”
“What?”
“I love you.”
“Matt?”
“Yes darling?”
“You break my heart.”
“I’m trying to heal it.” He came round the car, and he held his hands up at my expression. “I’m just opening your door for you, Princess.”
“Oh no, that doesn’t look odd, AT ALL!!!”
He swept his arm out. “In you get, Cinderella. Please roar off in your pumpkin, as usual.”
“Stop being so, so…”
“So what?”
“So HOT. It’s killing me.”
Matt grinned. “I’ll call you later, baby.”
I rang Matt once I was home, and Julia, and Tee, had a shower, grabbed food, and fell into bed.
‘Meet Joe Black’ was on, and I watched it and SOBBED MY FUCKING HEART OUT.
I felt myself crumble, watching that damn movie. I damn near HOWLED.
It was like something just SHATTERED inside me. I’m like drowning in pain and love and devastation.
This is the fairytale with Matt. I feel it.
Why does it hurt so much then? What is wrong with me?
Matt rang during one bit of the movie I was bawling in, like he just KNEW my heart was breaking. He said Andrew made him understand how I’m feeling.
(Bless Freddie Prinze Jnr)
I just cried harder.
Oh, it’s all too much for me.
Wednesday 3 January 2001
10.27pm
Been to Joy’s for dinner.
It’s so easy with Joy. I don’t know whether it’s cause she’s older, or she just really gets me.
Sometimes I think we’re the same person, split in two.
Did another 7 till 5.15pm day, with a half hour break.
Matt started at 7 too, and gave me that look he gives me when he walked into the kitchen and saw me there.
He just stood there, stretching, watching me, and I just died, he looked so hot.
I wanted to jump him. I seriously did. It’s almost uncontrollable for me. I want him that bad.
I just stepped as close as I dared to him and gave his stomach a squeeze.
(oh God, his abs. Now I’m the one biting my fist in torture. How did this happen?? Why? Why?? I don’t want to need someone this bad)
Friday 5 January 2001
6.37pm
It’s just been the same old, same old each day.
People need shampoo, I avoid Matt as best as I can
(which is not very well),
and the day starts all over again.
Dan’s been giving me messages from Ever, but I’ve been avoiding him.
(actually REALLY avoiding him, not pretend avoiding him like I do Matt)
What do I say to Ever? He’s given me NOTHING. There’s nothing left to say.
Matt kept coming upstairs a lot today, and I kept freaking out, sneaking looks at him, WANTING him, every time I saw him.
Renee finally said, “Matt’s been up here an awful lot this week,” and then looked straight at me.
“Maybe he really enjoys photocopying,” I replied, and typed away furiously.
Gerry walked past then, gave me a look, and went, “Sure Pinky.”
What does that mean? What did he mean??? Does everybody know I’m sleeping with Matt??
Oh God.
Plus Matt turned up at work today STILL DRUNK, clutching his head and wobbling around.
Then he happened to mention a model
(yes, model)
friend of his brother’s was over last night, and Andrew and Seth, and they all got drunk together.
I got sooooo jealous. Like I was almost doubled over in emotional pain jealous.
This is what I DID NOT WANT. Me jealous cause Matt’s around some model. Me feeling this damn much.
I’m an emotional cripple. They need to make pills for the way I am. Aren’t I too young to be an emotional cripple?? Like this bad?? Aren’t people supposed to save this kind of breakdown for their thirties?? Forties?? Their midlife crisis?
Worse, Matt and I’s conversation in the kitchen
(after I realised he was still drunk):
“Ugh. Matt, YOU’RE STILL DRUNK.”
He laughed. “It’s great hey!! I love working smashed!”
I made a disgusted noise.
“Oh, like you can talk!” he cried.
“What is THAT supposed to mean?”
“I’m not sure I’ve ever SEEN you sober – ”
“Excuse me!! Only one of us is drunk right now, and it’s not me – ”
“ – so you are the LAST person who should be condemning me for being hammered. Still. From yesterday arvo.” He hiccupped.
“Ugh, I can’t even talk to you right n
ow, I’m so pissed off.”
Matt laughed and grabbed me. “What are you pissed off about??”
“Pretty much everything about you right now.”
“That is SO UNFAIR. What the FUCK did I do??”
“You weren’t with me last night, that’s what you did – ”
“WHAT. THE FUCK – ”
“ – you were with some other girl instead. A MODEL – ”
Matt seriously bent over and lent his hands on his knees. He seemed really floored for some reason. “I can’t BELIEVE you – ”
I muttered something to myself. Like, “Believe it. Asshole.”
“What?”
“Nothing.”
“Karina, you MUST know you’re acting mental – ”
“No. I don’t. Mental people don’t know when they’re being mental. It’s up to other people to tell them – ”
“You’re being mental – ”
“Fuck off I am!!!!”
Matt laughed. “I feel winded. Like you’ve punched me.”
“I just might in a minute – ”
“OH MY GOD!!!!”
“What?”
“I’ve just figured it out – ”
“Took you awhile – ”
“YOU’RE JEALOUS!!!” He laughed his ass off.
“Oh God, I HATE YOU RIGHT NOW – ”
He scooped me up in his arms. I loved it. I swooned. “Baby, I am ALL into you.”
“Matt…”
“Nobody else. The only reason I got this smashed was to deal with the pain of not being with you for another night.”
Then he kissed me. At work.
“I love you, Karina.”
I kissed him back, then pulled out of his arms and stomped upstairs.
I really hate this love shit.
Everybody’s getting suspicious at work.
(guess it doesn’t help, making out in the kitchen)
There’s this buzz around us. About us.
(oh God, I can’t hear myself think, with all this buzzing)
Sunday 7 January 2001
7.20pm
Matt and I went away AGAIN this weekend. With Lachie and Melin.
Oh God, I had so much fun with them. I felt relaxed again. I felt like myself again.
All week I’ve been wound up tighter than a clock. It felt so good just being me again.
Matt drove me and him to Byron Bay, holding my hand and kissing me at every red light or traffic hold up.
Yes. I died.
“How are you going, baby?” he asked me, kissing my knuckles.
“It’s been a rough week.”
“I’ll say. I’ve been watching your meltdown all week.”
“Sorry. I know it’s tough on you when I go a bit…mental.”
“I’ll say it’s tough on me. Been a whole week since I fucked you. I’m going crazy.”
“God, me too.”
Matt laughed. “Don’t worry, baby, I’m going to spend the whole night fucking you tonight.”
“What is with us and tents??”
He laughed again. “Yeah, you’re right. We haven’t fucked in an actual bed yet.” He leaned over and kissed me. “Something to look forward to.”
I’m drowning. I really am. Some people can’t handle all the emotions of love. Real love. Fireworks with someone. Your body just being set alight by another human being whenever they step close to you, or look at you, or you look at them.
I think I’m one of those people. I long for him, PINE for him, every second of the day.
I feel lost without him, and overwhelmed with him.
We swam with Lachie and Melin, drank, sat around chatting and laughing.
We went to the Beach Hotel as the sun was setting. God, the view is incredible from that pub. I love it. I want to live there.
(in the pub)
Being there with Matt was heaven. I just kept glancing over at him and being madly in love. He was all over me, I was all over him –
“God, they’re sickening,” Melinda laughed, as Matt and I kept making out at our table.
I think we were practically having sex at our table. Matt and I were on the booth side, so we were very close. And intimate. And all over each other.
“I think I’m gonna throw up in a minute,” Lachie finally declared. “We’re gonna need earplugs tonight.”
Matt finally emerged from our make out for a breath. “Can you blame me? She’s been slapping me away all week. I’ve gotta take my chances while she’s giving them!”
Lachie laughed.
“Who knew you two would end up like this?” Melinda said in amazement, as we made out some more.
“Stop, stop, we really need to stop,” I finally declared, wiping my lipstick smudges.
Matt let out a breath and ran his hands through his hair. “BOY. I need a cold shower.”
“You’re going to need to do more than that,” Melinda announced, pointing to my lips.
“Why, is it everywhere?” I freaked.
“No, it’s just ALL OVER HERE,” Lachie waved his hand all over my face.
Matt burst out laughing, then grabbed me again. “Here, I’ll help you get it off,” and we were making out madly again.
Melinda and Lachie laughed and groaned.
“Matt?”
“Hmm?”
“This has been so fucking nice.”
“I told you it would be.”
“I’ve seriously flipped out all week – ”
“I know you have. I’ve been watching it. Living it.”
“I’m sorry I’m such a mess.”
“It’s okay, baby. I love you.”
“I’ve never been like this before.”
“Aw, you’ve saved your good stuff for me?”
“Apparently so.”
“I comfort myself with that knowledge. When I cry at night, that you’re not with me – ”
“Oh, Matt…”
“Give me your hand. I want to suck on your fingers.”
“Matt?”
“Yes?”
“Fuck me again, ahhh.”
He already was. “I need to come in you, for the seventh time is evening – ”
“How can you have ANY LEFT- ”
“I’ve been waiting YEARS for you. Storing it all up. Now scream for me, baby…”
“Why’d you get engaged to him?”
We were sitting in the carpark at Woolies. We’d driven back from Byron, had lunch at Matt’s with his family, seen the 2.30pm session of ‘Coyote Ugly,’ gone round the world five times, and were now sitting in some random Woolies carpark.
We’d just stopped, pulled over. Matt was brewing something, I could tell.
Instead of kissing me, he kept sitting behind the wheel, leaning his arm on the car door, and being all silent and brooding.
(was hot)
“What?”
“Rick. The wife beating asshole.”
I let out a breath. “God, I don’t know. I was young and dumb. And he asked…” I trailed off, knowing that was a stupid reason to marry someone.
Especially a psycho.
“What if I asked you to marry me?”
“Oh God, Matt…”
He turned to me. Reached out and cupped my cheek. “Marry me, Karina. I love you.”
“Matt.”
“Yes?”
“Look at me.”
“I am.”
“I’m a mess! I can barely cope with this. What makes you think I can be a WIFE??”
“I think your problems come from you think I’ll leave. Or turn abusive, or abandon you – ”
I whimpered.
“ – so if I married you, that’s gotta calm you down, right? You’ll finally RELAX.”
“If only it were that simple.” I ran my fingers down his face. It’s like I’ll always remember what his cheek feels like.
I’ve touched it enough, it seems. In such a short space of time.
“I would marry you in a heartbeat, Matt.”
“But we’re too young. I’ve made so many mistakes already. I’m not going to make another one.”
“You’ think I’m just another mistake?”
“No! God no! That’s not what I meant – ”
Matt groaned. “God. My chest – ”
“I meant, I won’t survive another break up. I won’t. If this doesn’t work, I don’t know how I’ll ever survive it – ”
He brought my hand up to his heart. “That’s why we should get married, and stay married forever.”
“Matt, we’re twenty-one years old! Save that for our thirties. Possibly our forties. I’m gonna need about twenty years of therapy before I can marry you.”
He laughed. “Only you can make being broken seem so intoxicating, Karina.” He kissed me. “What would you have been like? Before they changed you?”
“Matt, we can’t blame them…”
“Why the fuck not??”
“Cause I think I came out broken.”
Matt cried. He seriously started crying. For me. “That breaks my fucking heart, Karina.”
Chapter 24
YOU’RE BREAKING MY HEART PART 2
(YOU’RE STILL BREAKING MY HEART, MOTHERFUCKER)
IT’S SO OVER THIS TIME
Tuesday 9 January 2001
7.00am
Everard, THE ASSHOLE, upset me so much last night.
He’s topped himself this time. Outdid his own personal best with this one!!
It was horrible. Just horrible.
He CRUSHED me. That stupid fuckwit managed to crush me AGAIN.
My direct line rang at 4.30pm, and I knew. I just knew it was him.
He hasn’t called me IN WEEKS. Or, he has
(I just haven’t called him back),
but he’s taken the cowardly way out and only called me at home, where I never am! He’s not ONCE called me at work since being back.
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