“He fucking turned up here, Kerry! I heard his car roaring here from up the street! Then he slammed fucking in here, and demanded, ‘Where the fuck is she?’” Dan laughed like this was all in great fun.
I just about had a coronary. I couldn’t believe THIS. “Ever TURNED UP HERE??! Everard, the guy who never drives fucking anywhere? Or ever cares about me?”
Oh, boy. THAT WAS HUGE.
“The same one,” Dan laughed some more. “He fucking cared tonight!”
“He stayed awhile, thumping around,” Nat said. “Fucking funny seeing him lose his precious self-control for once! Good job, sis!”
Oh God. It was all too much for me.
“I think, GIVEN YOUR HISTORY KERRY, he thought you were in some ditch somewhere. Suicidal, thanks to him. He was both worried and PISSED AT YOU.”
“If I was going to take myself out, I’d do it with my Commodore. I wouldn’t leave it here.”
“Thanks for the reassurance,” Nat said sarcastically. “We’ll know that for next time you disappear and leave your car and phone here.”
Dan looked at his girlfriend. “Maybe one of us better text Ever that the Pink Highness has found her way home, and that she’s not dead.”
Nat snorted. “Nut. Fuck him. Let him worry some more. Serves him fucking right.”
(I love my sister)
Dan just laughed. “Alright. You’re the boss.”
“You better ring Matt back though,” Nat said. “He’s rung constantly. Even though I told him you forgot your mobile. He was frantic, cause I didn’t know where you were, but your car was here, so that flipped him the fuck out – ”
“I said you were out with some boy,” Dan laughed.
Oh fucking God help me.
“Well where else could you have been?? You were either picked up by a guy, or you had stumbled to the local pub. Or you were dead by the side of the road somewhere.”
“Oh, you couldn’t have told him Tee picked me up or something! You had to go for a guy!”
“Well, you’re destroying all the boys tonight, Kerry. May as well slay another one, you heartbreaker!”
Nat rolled her eyes. “You’ve gone from one extreme to another, with Ever and Matt.”
“Although Evvy certainly pulled his finger out tonight,” Dan declared.
Too little, too late. Evvy’s MO.
I stumbled into bed, grabbing my phone on the way. There was indeed a TON of missed calls. I felt like I just couldn’t deal with it right then. Couldn’t deal with Matt’s wrath too.
(and I’m SURE there would be some, after going out all night and not telling him)
I just couldn’t deal with any more.
I turned my phone off before it could ring again. I would suffer the consequences for that tomorrow (today) I figured.
I fell into bed. I still felt like my heart was shattered.
I can’t believe Everard. I can’t believe he showed up here.
10.01pm
So I arrived at work today, hungover, still miserable, feeling like my heart was just done.
I can’t do much more of this love shit. I hate it.
(while at the same time, living for it. I live for romance)
I hadn’t rung Matt back AT ALL. I was fully aware that must have killed him.
I felt so low over that, too.
But I’d needed to wallow. I was so ridiculously upset by that phone call with Ever, there was NO WAY I could have added to my misery and talked to Matt last night.
I walked into the warehouse
(yes, I braved it, I didn’t run up the front stairs, I faced up to the music)
and Matt stopped what he was doing and burned me with his eyes.
(they weren’t happy love eyes this time!)
I came right up to his workspace and stood before him. Figured stuff the others finding out about us, I owed Matt my attention. I could practically see the steam coming out of his ears. “Hey.”
Matt thumped the box of shampoo down and glared at me. “Oh. YOU’RE ALIVE – ”
“That’s debatable.”
“Where THE FUCK were you?”
I sighed heavily. “Just out with Steve and Andy.”
“Do you know how worried about you I was? I couldn’t get you – ”
“I left my phone at home – ”
“Yeah, THANK YOU. I figured that – ”
“I’m sorry – ”
“It’s FUCKING FRUSTRATING how you NEVER HAVE YOUR PHONE ON YOU. It’s like you DO IT ON PURPOSE, so no one can get you – ”
“Matt, please – ”
“So I can’t get you!”
“Matt!”
“What?”
“I have a headache – ”
“I bet.” He dumped another box of shampoo down.
“Can we talk about this later?”
“You bet your ASS we’re going to. Tonight. At my place.”
I muttered something, shaking my head at Benny, who was holding his hands up, like “what the fuck is going on there!”, and slunk off.
All day I suffered. I hurt. Every noise pierced my ears. I suffered Matt’s silent wrath, too.
(that hurt the most. Oh I hate how he can just WOUND me so easily)
Every time an invoice had an error, which was a lot today
(who the fuck is making all these errors today??),
or an item was out of stock and needed to be removed from an order, Matt would storm over to my desk and slam the invoice down next to me, then lean
(in Benny’s spot)
on the edge of my desk, his arms crossed, his eyes deadly.
“Whoa,” Jules said quietly, after he’d stormed off. “I can feel the shit storm. What did you do, K?”
I sighed. “Went out with two guys last night and left my phone at home.” I paused. “Without telling him.”
Julia cracked up. “Well, when you put it THAT way – ”
“You’re on his side!” But I laughed too.
“Oh, just go love his brains out tonight. He’ll get over it.”
I ended the day as I begun it: slinking guiltily up to Matt’s bench. “Okay, I’m finished,” I said, trying to be cheery.
“Me, too.” Matt grabbed his keys and we walked out together.
I had just about reached my car when Matt went, “Oh no you don’t,” and picked me up, throwing me over his shoulder, and stalking to his car.
I squealed and squirmed. “MATT. We’re AT WORK – ”
“I don’t GIVE A FUCK.” I heard the beep beep of his car unlocking, and Matt opened the door, plonked me in the passenger seat, then slammed the door very angrily on me.
I watched him get in and start the car and absolutely ROAR off.
I’ve never seen him like that. So pissed off and hurt.
(was, I hate to say it, fucking hot)
My heart hurt though, that I’d done this to him. I’d caused this.
And Ever last night, screaming abuse at me. He’d sounded so fucking devastated, too.
It’s all me. It’s all my fault.
“Matt, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you last night – ”
“Yet. YOU DID.” He was absolutely flooring it.
(so much for precious cargo)
“I’m sorry – ”
“You were out with TWO GUYS – ”
“FRIENDS OF MINE! You make it seem SO
SEEDY – ”
“How THE FUCK do I know it wasn’t?”
“Because you should KNOW ME BY NOW!”
Matt laughed a horrible laugh. “That’s EXACTLY WHY I was so fucking worried! Cause I fucking know you!”
“Oh, that’s low!”
“Is it?? You PUSH ME AWAY every chance you get – ”
“God!!”
“ – and you’ve been FUCKING SOME GUY who treats you like SHIT for HALF A YEAR – ”
I started crying then.
“ – WHILE YOU START SOMETHING WITH ME – ”
“This is so fucki
ng low of you!”
“ YOU’RE A FUCKING MESS – ”
I started fully sobbing then.
“ – YOU GO OUT WITH TWO GUYS, INTENTIONALLY LEAVE YOUR PHONE AT HOME – ”
Crying noises by me.
“ – SO THAT I CAN’T REACH YOU – ”
Sobbing. Oh, my heart FUCKING TORE.
“ – SO OF COURSE I WAS FUCKING WORRIED – ”
Blur. A mess of pain and heartbreak.
“ – THAT YOU WERE OFF GETTING FUCKED BY SOME RANDOM GUY – ”
Oh look. A couple strolling hand in hand, looking so in love. I fucking sobbed harder.
“ – OR FUCKING WORSE, BY THIS EVVY GUY YOU’RE STILL HALF IN FUCKING LOVE WITH!!”
I thought Matt was about to have an aneurysm, he was shouting so loud.
I just cried, as silently as possible, all the way to his. I refused to say a fucking word.
Matt had stopped shouting, but was glaring ahead, and gripping the wheel and still roaring around corners and off at lights.
And he kept randomly yelling out, “FUCK!” and “SHIT!” every few minutes.
When we finally screeched to a stop at his, I wiped the tears away and stubbornly sat there.
Matt, turning the car off, stared ahead furiously for a minute or two, before he finally looked at me. He was still angry. “Karina,” he said icily. “Get out of the car.”
I refused to say anything or move.
I could hear Matt taking deep breaths. As if to calm himself. “Get out of the car with me.” He spoke softly and deadly.
I refused to even look at him or budge.
“Karina…”
“No.”
“No what?”
“No, I’m not getting out of the car with you. Like you are now.”
Deep breaths. “I am calm – ”
“Ha!”
“ – now just get out the car please.”
“No. You’re not calm at all. You’re being AWFUL.”
“I’M BEING AWFUL??? I’M BEING AWFUL!! Oh, you’re FUCKING FUNNY – ”
“YES. You’re being awful. You’re so ANGRY – ”
“I’m calm now – ”
“No you’re not – ”
“I am!”
“You’re not!”
“Please get out of the car with me, DARLING – ”
“No way. Not when you call me darling like that.”
“JUST GET OUT OF THE FUCKING CAR!!” he suddenly yelled. He took another look at me, then slammed out the car, slammed the door, and stomped inside his house.
If he hadn’t taken his fucking keys, I would’ve driven off on him in his car.
His house was empty when I finally decided to walk in. Matt was nowhere to be seen.
I found him in his room, knocking back a tumbler of scotch. “I need to drink to survive you,” he snapped, but he was calmer. Sort of.
He sat down on his bed. I sat at his desk.
It was ages before he’d even look at me. I was doing the same, arms crossed, staring at his walls. Wondering what the fuck to do.
“Last night made me think, what are we doing?” he began softly. “You were with TWO GUYS – ”
I cracked it. “TWO FUCKING FRIENDS OF MINE, MATT! That you’ve met!! They are just my friends!”
“ – and you didn’t even have the decency to CALL ME, to tell me where you were going, or who you were with! The last I saw you, you were running out of work like there was some emergency, then you’re just suddenly missing all night! No one knew WHERE THE FUCK YOU WERE, not even YOUR SISTER! You didn’t even call me when you got home! I was up ALL NIGHT, FUCKING STRESSING ABOUT YOU!”
My heart broke for him. He was right. I live in my own world
(Rich nailed it, airy fucking fairy),
wander off randomly, and don’t think anyone is worrying about me.
(in my own defense, normally there ISN’T anyone worrying about me)
And Matt I did kind of ignore on purpose. “I’m sorry, Matt. I really am. I didn’t think. It wasn’t about you last night, my behavior – ”
“It wasn’t? It was ABOUT HIM?” He suddenly threw his glass across the room and it shattered against a wall. I stood up and bailed. Practically ran for the door. I knew TOO WELL how these things started.
And ended.
Normally me stuck in the crosshairs of some male’s ego fit.
Matt grabbed me before I’d even reached the door, and crushed me to his chest. “I’m sorry, baby. I’m sorry. I know you freak out – ”
I started sobbing all over again and trying to push him away.
“I’m sorry baby. Shhh. Don’t cry. You’re breaking me.”
He refused to let go and I was out of steam. “Karina, I love you. I fucking love you!”
I finally raised my head from his chest and looked up at him. “Matt, I need you.”
I do. I need his love. I need his stability. The stability of his love. I just want to be loved.
And loved by him.
He feels like he is just what I need. If we can just get through all my shit.
“Fuck. Karina…” He crushed his mouth to mine. “FUCK.”
We were kissing now, and I could feel it – the desperation for each other. I practically grabbed his shirt and ripped all the buttons open in one move.
“I need you, Matt,” I said again.
He groaned against my lips, and did his own button-ripping move. “You have no idea how much I need you, Karina.”
It was different this time. Softer. Harder. Slower. Faster.
(in a bed)
The beat was changed again and again, during it.
We rolled around a lot, changed positions, went from screaming fast fucking
(with me screaming),
to slow and soft and us mesmerized by each other.
Matt would come inside me, kiss me, hold me in his arms, then go, “Fuck, I need you again,” and thrust back inside me.
(he’s a sex machine. Better than a sex machine)
“Matt – ”
His mouth was (always) against mine. “Fuck…”
“I love you.” This was the first time I said it. Was special.
“FUCK. Say it again.” He ate my lip some more while he moved inside me.
“I love you…”
“AHHH.”
“I fucking love you – ”
“Fuck!”
“I. FUCKING. LOVE YOU!”
“You’re gonna make me come, baby…”
“Hmm. Hmm. Ohhh! I love you – ”
“UGH. I’m coming – ”
“I love you and I will never do that to you again – ”
“GROAN. You promise?”
“I swear.”
“All I kept picturing was you fucking this Evvy guy – ”
“Never, Matt. You’re all I want.”
“Ahhh…”
“You’re the only one I want fucking me again – ”
“Fuck baby – ”
“I fucking LOVE YOU. I love you fucking me. I live for it – ”
“Karina – ”
“Fill me up with your come, baby…”
“Oh GOD! FUCK! FUCK ME!!”
We kissed madly and fucked madly. “I love you,” I said against his mouth.
Matt shook, and kissed me so hard it hurt. “Fuck, baby.” He kissed me some more. “Fuck.”
Now that was make up sex.
Tuesday 9 January 2001
10.05pm
Worked till 9pm tonight, cause The Boyz had their monthly meeting in our salon, and after a few stuff ups by the girls
(and my handling of them while everyone was away in Bali),
Trent and Andre demanded only I handle their orders.
Which unfortunately means their monthly meetings, too.
I spent the entire time running up and down the stairs, fetching coffees, food, sales figures, invoices, shampoo.
“Look at her go, isn’t she a beauty?” They raved a
bout me.
“She is the ONLY ONE I trust in this place,” Andre subtly mock whispered.
(I think Andre is gay, but I’m not sure. It’s pretty much safe to assume EVERYONE in the salon world is gay. At least the men)
They always make such a fuss over me. They talk about me, in front of me, like I’m some prized horse.
“I like her hair tonight, don’t you?”
“I love the pink bits especially.”
“I’m sure she’s heard that before!”
“I heard she’s dating one of the warehouse boys now – ”
I HAD been grinning, but that turned to, “What? WHAT??”
“I heard it’s Matt,” Trent continued, “but I had my money on Benny. The boys are ALWAYS telling me you and Benny have some kind of SPECIAL connection. And you choose Matt!” He laughed. “Didn’t see that one coming!”
“Trent’s asked you out A THOUSAND TIMES, and you go for a WAREHOUSE BOY, Pinky?” Andre rolled his eyes. “Trent has MONEY – ”
(yeah, money and a controlling manner. No thank you!)
How the fuck did The Boyz owner know about Matt and I????
Fucking big mouths in the warehouse.
Matt looked gorgeous today at work. He rang me three times tonight at work, while I (handled) managed The Boyz. He was worried about me, at work in our near-empty industrial estate till 9pm.
Aww.
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