He hadn’t told Emmanuel we’d had sex. It clicked in my mind after a few seconds of watching his face. Luckily for me, Emmanuel was too stressed out to even look at either of us so his hands were resting over his face. I nodded at Alexander and continued.
“No, I don’t but like I was saying…Emmanuel.” I paused so that he could face the scene. “Alexander and I have become close and I know that rubs you the wrong way but this shit is ridiculous.” He looked at me sadly. “I love you so much but you’re becoming too controlling. You’re fighting over the fact that I’ve become friends with your brother? Seriously?”
“Friends? Is that what were calling it now?” He snapped. “You can honestly tell me that you two are just friends?” His eyes swung from me to his brother, then back again.
“Yes!” I squeaked. “We’re friends!” I didn’t know if he was buying it, but technically it was the truth. Alexander and I had become best friends. Granted, we were fucking each other senseless as well but we were friends first. That much was true. I hated lying to Emmanuel but I also hated that he would kill his own brother over me. I was beyond fed up with the entire situation. Since I was the one that created it, I had to end it.
“Look, I’m tired of everything. I think I should be by myself,” I sniffled. I hated even saying that but it honestly what Alexander was trying to get me to see all along. Emmanuel looked up at me and frowned.
“What the fuck are you saying?” He asked standing to his feet. I couldn’t even look at him. Anyone else would have seen anger in his coffee eyes but I saw pain.
“Alexander can I talk to him alone?” I asked quietly. He nodded at me and stepped outside. I looked up at Emmanuel, the man I’d come to love and know on a totally different level than I’d ever imagined. “Emmanuel, we gotta stop this.” I said through tears.
“No, I don’t wanna let you go.” He pulled me into him.
“I know. I don’t wanna let you go either but look at this shit.” I said gesturing around us at the wreck. “We need to step back from each other. We both want more from this than what can actually happen.” The tears were rolling faster now and I couldn’t even see his face.
“Just tell me what you want, and I’ll make it happen.” He rested his forehead against mine and I shut my eyes tight. Lord knows I didn’t want to pry myself away from this man but I had to. I didn’t want anyone getting hurt or killed over me. I knew very fucking well that Emmanuel and I could never be more than what we were, no matter how much I wanted it. I had a daughter, I had Xavier, I had whatever the fuck was blossoming between Alexander and I. Emmanuel and I were never even supposed to go on for as long as we did. I touched his face and kissed his lips. He didn’t reciprocate.
“You can’t give me what I want.” I told him.
“Let me decide that!” He barked; it wasn’t anger though no matter how it seemed. I was breaking his heart. Shit, I was breaking my own heart.
“I want to have your babies. I want to marry you. I want to live happily fucking ever after with you.” I sniffled and pulled back from his grasp. “I can’t though, and you know that. I’ll never give up Xavier. You’ll never give up the public eye.”
“I’ll let all that shit go for you,” he said softly. He grew quiet and I let my tears fall. “But you’re right.” He finally said with a deep breath. “We weren’t supposed to get this deep. We weren’t supposed to even be what we are now.” He pulled me back to him and kissed my lips so softly it made me tear up again. “I love you though. I’m not gonna stop loving you. Even if you want us to stop seeing each other.” I nodded my head in agreement with his words. I knew he’d never stop loving me the way he did, no matter how fucked up it was. He also knew we couldn’t continue though. If we did, he was going to get more out of control and so would I.
Just because you love someone with all your heart doesn’t mean you should be with them. Emmanuel and I fed each other’s dark sides constantly but I didn’t want that for either of us anymore. I also couldn’t eventually be with Xavier knowing that I’d always come running to Emmanuel and I did miss Xavier. I did want to repair things with him but how could I if Emmanuel was always looming in the background?
I laid my head on Emmanuel’s shoulder and let him hold me there for a while. “You sure you want to stop this?” He asked me one last time.
“I have to. You were in here fighting your own brother over just the thought of us fucking. That’s not cool.” I hated that I actually had fucked his brother but I also was scared for what would happen if he knew. If I had to lie to save Alexander’s life I would. If I had to stop seeing Emmanuel just to heal and figure things out with Alexander and I, well so be it.
I wasn’t choosing Alexander over Emmanuel but I knew I had to call it quits with him eventually. Emmanuel lifted my chin so that I was looking into his eyes and he smiled a little. “Look, you need someone that can give you what you deserve. Medschool can do that right now.
Hell, give Pretty Boy a little time and I’m sure he’ll be a good husband. Just know that nobody will ever love you like I do.” I blinked a few times to be sure of what I was seeing…Emmanuel was crying.
It was the thing that pushed me over the edge. I kissed him over and over until he pulled away. “Stop,” he told me. “I know you don’t want to do this but we both knew it would happen eventually. If you want us to stop, we’ll stop. I’ll be okay, Cami. It’s been decades since I had my heart broken but I know how this goes.” He kissed my forehead.
“Everything okay in here?” Alexander poked his head in and looked at us embracing.
“Yeah, everything is fine.” Emmanuel walked to the door and slapped Alexander on the back. “You better thank her,” he said to his brother. “She’s the only reason you won’t get shot on the way to work tomorrow. If she ever comes to me crying though…I can’t say it won’t happen.” I froze and looked at Emmanuel with wide eyes, still wet with tears. Why the hell did he have to be so gruesome?
“Why the fuck are you still threatening me?” Alexander grumbled.
“Do you really think I’d be fighting you and getting my heart broken over yall being friends? Come on now. All those years of school and you still aren’t smarter than that? I know you’re fucking her. Like I said, Camilla is the only reason you’re a free man.” He winked at me like he wasn’t just crying a moment ago. “You just keep saving people’s lives Cami. Trev, Xavier and now Alexander.” He shook his head and walked out to his car. I watched him drive away, still in awe. He knew what was happening the entire time but he let me end it my way instead of him doing it his way. He really did love me.
Alexander consoled me once we were inside because I was a complete and utter mess. He held me in his arms and let me cry on his chest without saying a word. In that instance I missed my father more than anything in the world. He was so good at dealing with my heartbreak.
I liked being there with Alexander too though. He had a quiet presence that helped me to calm down. He stroked my hair and rubbed my back until my tears dried.
“You’ll be okay, Camilla.” Alexander told me quietly. “You did a good thing.” He pressed his lips to my temple like he always did.
“Then why does it hurt so bad?” I sniffled.
“Because you love him. No matter how it looks to anyone on the outside, you two love each other.” His voice sounded conflicted when he spoke. I sat up and searched his dark eyes.
“Are you being Dr. Epps right now, or just Alexander?” He smiled in spite of the cut on his lip and shrugged. I’d never seen his guard completely gone before. His posture was lax and his eyes seemed distant.
“I’m just being Alexander right now. Alexander, the man.” He touched my chin. “Did you choose me over my brother?” His stare was still far off, and I wished that I could get to him.
“No, I think I actually chose myself. I didn’t want him to kill you but I knew we had to…you know?” I couldn’t bring myself to say that Emmanuel and I were over yet. It was a fresh wound. Alexander smiled
and finally looked at me.
“You chose yourself?” He asked. “I’m proud of you Camilla. You’re growing so much.” He gave me a hug. It was a hug that turned into a kiss. It started slow at first then, we were peeling each other’s clothes off. “Camilla, wait, what are we doing? You need some time to digest what happened and to process it.” I whined and climbed on top of him. I wanted to feel him inside of me. I didn’t want to process shit. Processing things hurt too much.
Alexander moved me off of him and shrugged his shirt back over his body. He started cleaning up the mess in his house and I got up to help him. We swept up glass, put broken knick knacks in the trash and set furniture back upright.
“If you’re up to it, we can do dinner tonight. If not, I understand.” I playfully nudged him with my elbow and smiled.
“Of course I want to do dinner.” He pulled me close and we shared a kiss. He made sure it was slow and steady and nothing too rushed or urgent.
“Is Laurel staying with you?” He asked.
“Yeah, she’s at the house now. Do you mind if she has dinner with us?”
“Of course not. Besides, you need to be around people who love you right now. Healthy love.” A chill fluttered through me when he said love.
“Are you one of those people?” I quizzed. Alexander laughed and squeezed my shoulder.
“Look, lets just get to the store and pick some stuff up. Dinner for three.”
“Just so you know, I’m not having a threesome with you and Laurel.” I warned with a point. Alexander looked completely nonplussed.
“A threesome? Why the hell would I even…”
“Don’t ask. Just know it’s not happening,” I laughed.
“So I finally get to meet Dr. Epps!” Laurel squeaked and clapped her hands together when she opened the door. I rolled my eyes and tried not to smile but it was hard. “Wait, you’ve been crying?” Laurel took on look at me and cupped my face in her hands so tenderly it almost made me start crying again.
“I’m sure she’ll tell you all about it.” Alexander slid by us and carried an arm full of groceries inside to the kitchen. Laurel’s hands fell away from my face and her eyes trailed Alexander. She shot a glance at me and then back at him.
“That’s him?” She mouthed. I nodded my head and blushed a little I couldn’t help it. “Oh my god!” She whispered and hit my arm. “He’s fine as hell.”
“He’s a little beat up right now but yeah, he is fine,” I sighed softly.
“You know, funny thing about ears, they work even at a distance.” Alexander laughed from the kitchen. Laurel giggled all over herself and went to help him put the food away while I called Xavier to check on Chloe. His phone kept going straight to voicemail though.
“Hey guys, I shouldn’t go all crazy mom on Xavier just because his phone is going to voicemail, right?” I asked into the kitchen.
“No, Camilla. She’s with her dad. She’s fine,” Laurel groaned. I nodded my head and set my phone down.
In the kitchen, Alexander was prepping to cook roasted veggies and lemon chicken. I loved when he cooked for me; he always made the whole house smell amazing. Laurel and I were sitting on the couch because he put us out. Something about too much chatter and laughing.
“So you really broke up with Manny?” Laurel asked with sad eyes. I nodded and took a drink of wine. “That sounds so fucking weird Camilla. I can’t even explain it. It’s like you two shouldn’t have been together in the first place but I kinda just got used to it. You two just fit so well now that you’re not with him it’s awkward.” She quirked her brow up and tried to process it all. I was honestly in the same damn boat.
“Hey, come taste this Camilla.” Alexander called into the living room. Laurel poked my leg before smiling suggestively and I slapped at her hand. “Does it need more salt?” He pushed a ladle in my face and I licked it.
“No, it’s good.” I smiled. He looked into my eyes for a moment, then leaned in and kissed me. It didn’t last long but it felt like an eternity to me. He pulled me around so I was in front of the stove and he wrapped his arms around me, his hand on mine guiding me as I stirred his lemon sauce.
“How are you feeling?” He asked in my ear. Shit, right then with his arms around me and his lips against my face, I felt like the Queen of England.
“I’m okay. I think you were right. I needed to be around people who love me.” I swallowed back not knowing exactly what that meant for Alexander or for myself. He just nodded his head and kissed my cheek.
“It’s gonna take time to heal but you’ll heal, I promise.”
“Are you gonna help me?” I wondered as I watched the sauce thickening in the pan.
“Of course. Maybe not as your doctor anymore, but I’m always here.” At that, I pulled away and turned to face him.
“Not as my doctor?” I frowned. If Alexander wasn’t going to be my doctor, I wasn’t talking to anyone else. He shook his head and held my hands in his.
“Camilla I can’t rightfully go back to being your therapist after everything that’s happened. I was going to suggest Dr. Roth. She’s amazing,” he told me. I grumbled under my breath and folded my arms defiantly. Alexander blew out a frustrated breath and continued talking in a low voice that only I could hear. “Do you really think it’s smart for me to have you alone in my office every week, knowing the kind of chemistry we share? We wouldn’t get anything progressive done because I’d be so busy staring at you, thinking about how fucking beautiful you are.” He ran his thumb over my bottom lip and I felt my knees get weak.
“You think I’m beautiful?” I sounded like a little girl with a crush. Alexander nodded his head and smiled at me.
“I think you’re the most beautiful girl in the world…well, next to one person.” He frowned and so did I.
“Who?” I asked.
“Chloe kinda has you beat.” We both laughed and he pulled me into his arms for a hug.
“Aww! You two!” Laurel gushed from the couch. I rolled my eyes and buried my face in Alexander’s chest. “So are you guys officially a thing? I so want you two to be a thing!”
“You have to excuse her,” I spoke into Alexander’s shirt.
“It’s fine. She’s funny,” he chuckled. “I’m not sure if we’re a thing or not. We’ll definitely figure it out though.” Alexander told her.
“We will?” I whispered to him.
“Absolutely. Only after you process everything though. I’m not here to hurt you more or confuse you.” He tucked a stray lock of hair behind my ear and kissed my forehead.
Laurel, Alexander and I ate dinner and watched only Will Ferrell movies until Laurel fell fast asleep with her mouth open and everything. I took a selfie with her and texted it to her so she’d know I was a bitch even when she was sleeping.
Once the kitchen was clean and everything was put away neatly, I looked up at Alexander pleading for him not to go with just my eyes. He held my hands in his and shook his head. “You know I have to go,” he said.
“Why?” I whined.
“Because Camilla, you just went through a very rough breakup so to speak. If I stay with you tonight I’m going to comfort you. I’m going to make love to you until you cry and then I’m going to hold you until you stop and do it all over again. All fucking night.” His words were filled with so much passion that my stomach started to twist in anticipation. I wanted all of that. I wanted it so damn bad.
“I want you to comfort me Alexander,” I told him.
“I know,and I want to. I can’t though. You have to learn how to comfort yourself without relying on me or any other man. I want you to rely on yourself.” He poked my shoulder but it wasn’t lighthearted for me. Tears welled up in my eyes. “What’s wrong?” He frowned.
“You’re leaving me. What do you mean what’s wrong? All that stuff you’re talking about, I want it. I want you to comfort me.”
“Camilla, you’re not understanding what I’m trying to do. Tonight is a pivotal night for you.
I want you to do this by yourself. You need to cry and feel the pain and as much as I want to save you from it I’d be fucked up if I did.” He moved to the door and I started to cry even harder. Alexander couldn’t even look at me. He held his head down like it was physically hard for him to walk out of the door. “Camilla, I’ll see you tomorrow, I promise.” When the door closed behind him I lost it. I must have been sobbing pretty loudly because Laurel woke up and sat beside me on the floor.
“Camilla, what’s wrong? Where’s Alex?”
“He hates being called Alex,” I sniffled. “He left me. He went home.”
“What? Why? Did you guys have a fight?” She put her arm around me and I lay on her shoulder.
“No. He wants me to deal with shit on my own. Without a man.” Laurel looked down at me and she had the goofiest smile on her face. I glared at it. I was in no mood for smiles. “What the fuck are you smiling at?” I asked her.
“Camilla, that’s amazing. The fact that he would do that even though I’m sure he wanted to stay is actually kinda beautiful.” I wiped my tears and shook my head. I couldn’t see the beauty in it because all I wanted was for him to hold me. “Yes, Camilla. He’s right. You know I’m here for you. Cry it out if you need to. I’m here.” Her words pulled a string inside of me that let the floodgates open. We sat on the floor for what felt like forever and I cried for so many reasons.
I cried because I missed Emmanuel already, I missed Xavier, I missed Chloe, I missed Alexander, and I missed my father. I cried for what I had with Emmanuel and the fact that it was gone now. I felt alone.
Laurel slept with me in the bed I used to share with Xavier. She curled up around me and I cried myself to sleep thinking about everything. When I woke up, I could barely open my damn eyes they were so puffy and swollen.
“Oh, poor thing. Let me get you a cold cloth.” Laurel padded into the bathroom and within seconds brought me an ice-cold cloth. She laid it over my eyes and stroked my hair. “How are you feeling?” She asked me.
“I feel better actually.” I sucked in a breath and it felt like a weight had been lifted off of my chest. It still ached when I thought about Emmanuel but I could breathe easier. Slowly a pounding echoed through my head and I groaned. “My head is killing me.”
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