“It’s possible, but I don’t know. He may have just wanted to do anything to keep you.”
“I feel so fucked up. Afterwards I just thought about you and I felt overcome with guilt.” She hunched her shoulders forward and wrapped herself in a hug.
“Why?” I asked with a genuine curiosity.
“I don’t know. I feel like we’re more than just fucking I guess. I felt like I needed to come clean to you. I didn’t want to hurt you though.” She blinked back tears. Her words seeped into the deep crevices of me that I hadn’t felt since Alex was alive. I’d forgotten how it felt to have someone care about your feelings.
I wished I could explain to her that having sex with Xavier was more of a symptom than anything. She still had episodes accompanied by urges in spite of her making huge strides. If Xavier had inflicted any pain to her physically she probably was putty in his hands as long as he was inside of her.
“Look, don’t apologize for that. He is the father of your child and he played on your emotions because he was scared. You reacted because it put a Band-Aid on your pain. Now it’s time to move past it and not let it happen again.” The last part came out much stronger than I’d intended and it made Camilla look up at me a little shocked.
“So, you mean to tell me hearing about Xavier didn’t do anything to your feelings just now?” Her brows were raised and her eyes were wide. Her entire face was posing a question. I let out a breath of frustration and stood to my feet.
“Yes, it did.” I admitted against my better judgment. I was trying my best to remain neutral but it did sting.
“Alexander, we need to talk about what’s going on.” She told me seriously. She was right of course. I didn’t even know what the hell was going on between us. I just knew it had long ago crossed the line of therapist and patient. It had long crossed the line of friends too.
“We do but I don’t know if now is a good time.” I sighed, sitting beside her.
“Well if not now then when?” She had a point and I hated to admit it. I was still torn between thinking as her doctor and thinking as someone who cared about her as more than a best friend.
“The doctor in me says that you need to recoup from everything before you even think about talking about anything new,” I told her. I rested my elbows on my knees and shut my eyes.
“What does the man in you say?” I felt her hand touching my shoulder. Everything about Camilla pulled at my core until it ached. I tried to fight against it but it was hard.
“The man in me is selfish right now, Camilla. I can’t even lie to you.” She was rubbing my back now and it felt safe like she was letting me open up to her. The moment was awkward and clunky but I tried to work with it because it was necessary if I was going to move forward with Camilla.
“Sometimes selfish is a good thing,” she told me quietly. “You take care of your patients every day. You take care of me. You completely neglect yourself though. You won’t even let yourself feel things. So I think it’s a good thing for you to feel selfish.” A smile pulled my lips up and l looked at her.
“Listen to you, Dr. White,” I chuckled. “You’re actually on to something though. I haven’t felt anything like this since Alex,” I told her.
“I make you feel things?” Her eyes looked so innocent for someone who has lived such a full life and to be so young. I nodded my head and let another smile slip out.
“Hell yeah you make me feel things Camilla. You drive me crazy but you make me feel things.”
“Good things?” She laughed.
“Very good things. Just because they feel good doesn’t mean they’re good and healthy though.” Camilla let out a groan and fell backwards on the couch like I was killing her. I laughed and pulled her back up right.
“We’re not talking about healthy right now Alexander.”
“We should be though. I don’t want to create unhealthy attachments,” I explained. I could feel my doctor side taking over no matter how hard I tried to just be a man. Camilla punched me in my arm, pretty damn hard too. I rubbed the sore spot and frowned at her.
“Can you just tell me what the fuck we are? Are we just fucking? Are we friends? What are we?” Her voice was full of uncertainty and it fucked with me so much. She deserved a man that would be up front with her and not string her along. She deserved a man strong enough to actually be with her and not just fuck her when it was convenient. She deserved so damn much. What she didn’t deserve was confusion though, not after everything she’d gone through in the past week.
As much as it conflicted with everything logical inside of me, I told her what was in my heart instead of in my mind. “Well, if I’m being honest, I’d love to have a chance at a relationship with you Camilla. I don’t want to just fuck you or just be your friend. I wanna take you out on dates and cook dinner for you I want to spoil Chloe and make you happy.” When I looked up I saw tears in Camilla’s eyes. I didn’t know if they were good tears or not. I guessed they were happy tears though because she started kissing me.
“I want us to ease into it though.” I told her once the kisses stopped. “I know you’re in a delicate spot right now and I don’t want to fuck up all the progress you’ve made. You’re so strong now I refuse to be the one to ruin that for you.”
“That’s fine. As long as I get to actually have you. Like as a boyfriend.” She started giggling uncontrollably and I looked at her like she was a little off, I can’t lie. “I’m sorry, Alexander.” She said holding her hand out. “You don’t understand, I hated that word for so fucking long but now I want you to be my boyfriend. I want to be your girlfriend, Alexander.” She was blushing and it made her look so fucking adorable. If she hadn’t fucked Xavier earlier I’d have her bent over this couch.
“You wanna be my girlfriend Camilla?” I eyed her playfully and she giggled more.
“Oh god I feel stupid.”
“Nah, don’t feel stupid. If anyone asks, you’re taken.” I told her seriously. “I’m not my brother, I’m not Xavier. If we’re working towards a relationship then it’s just us. Nobody else. I don’t share what’s mine.” Her smile faded and she nodded quickly.
“So, I’m yours?” She asked with a twinkle in her eye.
“Yes,” I almost growled. “You sure that’s what you want? I can be…possessive.” I admitted.
“You can’t be worse than Emmanuel,” she grumbled. I winced at the connection. Maybe I wasn’t that different from my brother after all.
“I don’t know about that but I do expect you to…”
“Come when you call?” She asked as if she were reading my mind.
“Yeah.” I looked at her for a moment out of pure wonder. “How the hell did you know I was going to say that?” She looked as if she were holding back laughter.
“Just a hunch,” she shrugged.
“I know that sounds really controlling, and I don’t want to control you but I also don’t want to share you.” When I wasn’t in doctor mode I was a walking ball of fucking contradictions. It was annoying as fuck but Camilla needed to see the not so controlled aspects of me as well. She put her finger over my lips and stopped me from talking.
“Alexander, you’re fucking perfect,” she laughed. “You’re everything I need right now.” She hugged me and we just sat there embracing each other until Laurel got back with way more than just one toy for Chloe. Camilla frowned at all the toys and Laurel’s only defense was that Chloe’s birthday was in three days and she deserved it.
Chloe ran over to me and I tossed her up into the air ignoring Camilla’s worried yelps. “Yay!” Chloe clapped.
“You want more?” I asked her playfully.
“More, Alex!” She screamed happily and my stomach knotted for a split second. Camilla looked at me apologetically but I shrugged it off. It was the clearest two words Chloe had ever said and I wasn’t about to let my past get in the way of that. In an instant, I became okay with being called Alex again as long as Chloe was the one saying it. Sometimes all we
need is to hear things from the innocent mouths of children for everything to be okay.
**
Chapter Twenty-Seven
Camilla
It was 11:09AM and I was pacing the fucking floor at the Florida State Penitentiary waiting for the guards to let my father out. I had been there for an hour already just so I wouldn’t be late. I told Emmanuel that I wanted to be the only one picking him up. It was bad enough him and Wolf put my father in there, they sure as fuck weren’t going to be the ones picking him up. That was my job.
Emmanuel gave me use of his jet so I could get there faster, but it only seemed to make the wait longer. Chloe sat entertained by her snack cup and a toy phone and I glanced at her every five seconds.
A flat-faced guard with bags under her eyes looked me up and down and frowned. “You here for Trevor White?” She asked. I hurried over to the thick glass and gave her the papers I’d been asked to fill out along with my ID. “He’ll be out shortly.” She grunted. Each step I took made my heels echo on the tiled floor. The flat-faced guard poked her head around the partition and frowned at me. “Can you sit over in the waiting area please?” I guess the noise was driving her crazy.
As soon as I settled into a hard plastic seat next to Chloe, I heard a loud buzz followed by a click. My father was finally free.
I ran to him and he scooped me up off the floor with one arm. One very strong ass arm. In fact, he was a lot buffer than when he went in. His dreadlocks were down to his waist and he sported a few new tattoos on his forearms.
“Baby girl…oh man.” He just stood and looked at me. The smile on his face made me completely unravel.
“I missed you so much!” I cried. He shushed me and kissed the top of my head.
“I know baby. I missed you too.” His green eyes wandered over to the toddler in the chair and he dropped to his knees. “Hey, Chloe.” His voice was thick with emotion. Chloe looked up at him and smiled instantly. I’d shown her pictures of her grandfather since I pushed her out. He was practically a celebrity to her. She walked over and touched his hair then laid her entire body against him like she was home. He pulled both of us into him and just cried for a moment. I let my own tears fall silently.
“Hey, let’s get the hell out of here,” he chuckled softly. “Can I carry you?” He asked Chloe.
“Uh huh,” she nodded. “I’m big,” she told him.
“You are? Maybe you’re too heavy for grandpa.” I watched as he pretended she was the heaviest thing in the world, which made Chloe erupt in giggles. Finally he plucked her from the floor and we walked outside to the chauffeured truck. “Can I put her in her seat?” Dad asked timidly. As if I would ever deny him something so simple. I nodded and he began clicking Chloe in place. “Hey, do you know who I am?” He asked with a big smile. She nodded her head; her soft curls bouncing up and down.
“Grandpa,” she pointed. Dad’s eyes watered but he wouldn’t let the tears fall. He just nodded his head and kissed the back of Chloe’s little hand. He looked at me and sighed heavily.
“Camilla, she is perfect. She looks just like you but I see she has Xavier’s dimples.”
“Yeah,” I sighed looking at my gorgeous daughter.
“How is Xavier?” He asked.
“Still being a…” I looked over at Chloe who was watching me intently. “Wonderful person,” I smiled. Dad looked at me and grunted.
“Am I going to have to talk to him?” He asked protectively.
“No, I’ll fill you in later.” I promised. “Right now I just need to know that you’re okay with everything I laid out.” My tone turned more serious as I read his face. I needed him on board. He nodded his head and looked out of the window as the bare land turned back into palm trees. He seemed mesmerized.
“I’m on board, Camilla but it seems harsh.”
“Dad, let me look out for you okay? You’ll be fine.” He gave me a nod then continued to look at Chloe and play with her the entire ride to the airport. By the time we boarded the jet, Chloe was already attached to my dad. She’d let him carry her aboard and even fell asleep on him once we got in the air. I offered to lay her down in one of the seats but he told me no. “She never got to hear my voice when she was in your belly so I want her to hear it in her sleep at least.” I smiled warmly. I was soaking in the sound of his deep voice myself.
Sometimes you never realize how much you miss a person until you see them again. Seeing my father again made me wonder how the hell I made it more than a year without seeing him. How did I go through being pregnant and delivering Chloe and watching her grow without my father? Sitting across from him now, it all seemed impossible.
“Why are you smiling at me like that Camilla?” He asked with his own smile.
“I’m just happy to see your face and hear your voice. I just want to stare at you all day.”
“I wanna stare at you and Chloe all day too. Your letters and pictures are what kept me going in there,” he told me. “I saw some fucked up shit inside, baby girl.”
“I bet. If you’re not opposed to it, I have someone I’d love for you to talk to when you’re ready.” I smiled thinking about Alexander. Dad raised his brow at me and grunted.
“Your therapist?” He asked knowingly.
“Yeah, he’s great,” I beamed. “He’s helped me so much.”
“Has he helped you as more than just a therapist?” Oh god was he really asking me that? I felt my cheeks heat up and I tried to look out of the window but I could still feel his laser gaze on me. “Camilla Nicole.” He boomed.
“Dad! Stop!” I whined as I squirmed in my seat.
“What’s going on with you? You can’t string three different men along.” He frowned.
“I’m not stringing anyone along. I’m done with Emmanuel and Xavier.” I watched to make sure Chloe’s eyes were closed. Dad lifted his brows in shock. It made me feel proud to actually say those words. I was done with both of them. I still ached for them but I had to push past it.
“Wait, you’re done with Manny?” He asked. I don’t know why he was more shocked about Emmanuel than Xavier.
“Yeah. I have a lot to fill you in on Dad.” I sighed and leaned back in my seat. It was going to be an information packed flight back to Miami.
**
When we touched down, Dempsey was waiting for us with a tall, muscular man that had what looked like a permanent a scowl on his face. I greeted Dempsey with a hug and he gave me a kiss on the cheek.
“Who’s this guy?” Dad asked, eyeing Dempsey from head to toe.
“Trevor White, nice to meet you finally. Boy, if there’s anyone Camilla talks about more than Manny and Xavier it’s you.” He chuckled and shook hands with Dad.
“Daddy, this is Dempsey Dunham. He’s Emmanuel’s advisor but more like his best friend,” I laughed. I saw dad tense but I squeezed his arm, trying to convey that Dempsey was a good guy. Hell, Dempsey was like my stand in dad the entire time my real father had been locked away.
“Nice to meet you, Dempsey.” Dad nodded and we all got in the back of another truck. The tall guy with the scowl kept his eyes on the window the entire time we rode.
“Um, hi,” I said, pulling his attention away from the window. He glanced at me and looked me over for a second.
“Hey.” He grunted. Clearly, he wasn’t the talkative type.
“Where are my manners?” Dempsey chuckled. “Trevor, Camilla, Chloe, this is my grandson Cole.” I blinked a few times to find the resemblance. Cole was tall and caramel with amber eyes and full lips Dempsey was average height, lily white and had gray eyes. He noticed dad and I chewing on the introduction and laughed. “My wife, God rest her soul, had the prettiest brown skin you’ve ever seen. Cole takes after her. Can’t keep the women off of him,” he smiled. Cole looked around at us and tried to smile. It was stiff though, like he’d much rather scowl.
“Nice to meet you Cole,” Dad nodded.
“Nice to meet you too, sir.” Cole’s voice was raspy and matched
his scowl to a tee.
“Hi Cole,” I smiled at him. He eyed me for a few seconds before returning my greeting. Dempsey nudged him with his elbow and grunted.
“Eyes off of that one,” he warned. Cole sighed and continued looking out of the window. “Cole is getting ready to take a position in Manny’s cabinet,” Dempsey told us. My eyes shot over to him and then back to Dempsey. Cole looked like he’d flourish under Emmanuel’s tutelage but I’m not exactly sure if that was a good or bad thing. Only time would tell.
“Manny wants to meet with Trevor.” Dempsey informed us. I already knew he would though. I shook my head and told the driver to go to my house instead. “Sweetheart, what are you doing?” Dempsey asked with a hint of caution in his voice.
“Tell Emmanuel we’ll be by later. I just want my father to relax first. Jesus, he just got home.” Dempsey shifted uncomfortably.
“I’ll meet with him.” Dad said, breaking apart the awkward silence. “Just let me shower and eat.” I sucked in a breath and glared the rest of the way home. I felt like Cole, brooding and quiet.
Once I was inside of my own house I called Emmanuel immediately while Dad showered and Chloe played with Laurel.
“What’s up Cami?” His voice sent chills down my spine.
“Emmanuel, can this meeting wait?” I hissed into the phone.
“Not really. Now that Trev is out, I need to see what his temperament is.”
“And you can do that later,” I urged. “Look, I just want to spend time with him. I want Chlo to spend time with him, okay?” My voice was softer and I heard Emmanuel let out a sigh on the other end.
“Okay, I’ll see him at Chloe’s party, right?” He asked.
“Actually, yeah. After the party I’ll make sure you sit down with him.” I nodded against the phone.
“Alright, Cami. Once again you get your way. If you hadn’t pushed me away I’d be spanking you right now.” His voice was gruff and I ignored the way it made me feel. My mind flashed to Alexander and I swallowed back a lump.
“Okay Emmanuel,” I whispered. He let out a hearty laugh.
Twisted War Page 22