“Yes, Lexie. There are some amazing places to dance here and some of them require a certain dress code.” Miles said through the door.
I sighed, resigned. I wanted to go dancing, I just didn’t expect Miles to bring me a box with a dress and shoes inside. Miles was too sweet. It didn’t help my heart any that this was starting to feel like a date, again. We’re friends, that’s it. Friends going dancing, not a date. I hated that I had to remind myself. That didn’t stop the butterflies in my stomach from going crazy though. My makeup was my usual going out make up. A little dark on the lids, deep red lipstick but I was rethinking the lipstick. I pulled my hair back off my face. I decided to go for an up do.
When I was finished I ended up with a mess. I groaned.
“Come on, Lexie. What’s taking so long?” Zeke shouted, even through the door it was loud. At least he was talking to me, kinda.
“It’s my fucking hair that’s taking so long!” I snapped back, taking the pins out again. The mass fell to the top of my shoulder blades.
There was a soft knock on the door. “Ally girl, are you dressed?” Asher’s baritone came from the other side of the door.
My heart jumped. “Um, yeah but you don’t-”
The door opened and closed in the bedroom. Shit. I hadn’t been alone with him since the street. Not to mention his inability to not listen in.
Guilt ate at me as I turned to watch him lean against the bathroom doorway. His eyes grew wide as his mouth fell open.
“Um…” He closed his mouth and swallowed hard. “Uh…” His warming eyes were running back up my body to my face.
“Okay, I’m changing.” I decided immediately, starting to move past him to get to my dresser. Nope, nope, nope, not wearing a dress. Especially in a city where I don’t know where anything is.
“What? Why?” He moved aside.
I opened a drawer and began digging through it looking for a nicer pair of jeans. “Because nothing good ever happens when I wear a skirt and that look on your face just screams trouble,” I said tensely, pulling out a pair of pitch-black jeans. Asher stepped up behind me and took the jeans from me.
“Ally, you look beautiful. I was just surprised to see you in a dress,” he chuckled.
“Seriously?” I asked skeptically as I turned to him. I gestured toward the dress. “Like this isn’t going to bring trouble tonight?”
Asher smiled down at me and tried to stop laughing. I rolled my eyes. He didn’t get that I was serious. “Ally, it’s going to be fine. Lots of girls go out in a dress without shit going wrong,” he told me patiently. I narrowed my eyes at him.
“I have never gone out in a dress without something bad happening,” I pointed out. I started counting off on my fingers. “A date that ended with the cops being called, Ordin busting my tire leaving me stranded in the snow...”
Asher was smiling down at me, he was putting a great effort into not laughing. “Ally, those are coincidences.”
I scoffed at him. “It’s not a coincidence, it’s a pattern. And the pattern says no dresses.” I reached for my jeans.
He threw my jeans onto my bed and out of my reach. “Ally, nothing bad is going to happen. Miles is taking you to a couple of very public clubs,” Asher pointed out gently, using logic. I hated when the guys did that. “You’re going to dance, you're going to have fun. And you’ll hear some great music. Miles isn’t going to let you out of his sight.”
I sighed and had to fight the urge to fidget. Asher was right; I was being ridiculous.
“If you’re not comfortable in it, that’s another story,” he added. It wasn’t that it was uncomfortable, it was just… Jacob in the park, Ordin busting out my tire… Wearing a dress made me feel... vulnerable. And that scared me. Scared. I was scared of wearing a skirt. Shit.
“Fine, I’ll wear the dress,” I grumbled. Asher had to smother his laughter as I went back into the bathroom. “But my hair is a wreck.”
He gestured to the bathroom. “I can fix that.”
We headed back into the bathroom. Asher stepped up behind me and ran his fingers through my hair. I held the pins up as Asher went to work. I watched as he pulled my hair into a loose chignon low on the back of my head, just above my neck. He made it tight enough that I knew it was going to hold all night.
“How do you do that?” I asked in awe. I could barely manage my going out, hair down, style. Asher just seemed to be able to make my hair behave.
“I might have been bored one day and looked up how to manage curly hair,” Asher admitted, smiling at me in the mirror.
I smiled back before reaching for my lipstick. I pulled out a dusky rose color, I figured since my eyes were dark my lips should go natural. I had just finished when I felt Asher's eyes on me again. I peeked at him in the mirror. His body was tense against the door jamb, his hands in his pockets. Though his ocean eyes were soft, his face was full of longing. My heart slammed in my chest, my breath left my lungs. That look on Asher’s face made my body hum. I looked down at the counter and grabbed a tissue to blot my lips.
“When you get back tonight, can I crash in your room?” he asked.
My gaze snapped to his.
“I just want to talk,” he clarified. “I know you’re angry with me.”
I chewed on the corner of my bottom lip. “I… it’s not easy knowing that you heard me talking to Zeke.”
“I wasn’t trying to listen,” he reminded me.
“I know.” I swallowed hard.
“Ally, I just want to work this out with you tonight,” he said. “Figure out what you want.”
I didn’t know how to answer. What would make this better? What was the right thing to do? I finally gave up trying to think about it. “I don’t know.” I turned and leaned against the counter. “I don’t know what the smart thing to do here is. I just know how I feel and… even that’s confusing.”
“I get that you’re confused and this situation isn’t easy. And I don’t want to lose you, no matter what you decide,” Asher said, his voice so warm my eyes began to burn. He came over to me, used his fingers to lift my chin so I was looking him in the eye. His thumb stroked my chin. He leaned down, my heart raced as he kissed my temple. “But I’m not giving you up without a fight.” He stepped back, his eyes met mine before he turned and left the bathroom. The door to the bedroom closed a couple of heartbeats afterward.
Silence was thick in my ears as I tried to see a way out of the maze I’d made. I still couldn’t see a way for all of us to stay together. I wanted Asher. I wanted his touch, his smiles, and I wanted his kisses. But I also wanted Zeke’s, and Ethan’s. And Isaac’s and even Miles’s. What the fuck was wrong with me? Maybe I needed to step back from them a bit. Give everyone some distance for a while. Maybe that would make the feelings stop or at least lessen them. I had no idea if it would work. But I had to try something.
I took several deep breaths. I was going out with Miles tonight, and I really wanted to go dancing. Miles has never kissed me, so it’ll be fine. Never mind that I’m still in love with the guy, his smiles and his awkwardness. I could manage this. Okay, I got this. When I was done with my pep talk I walked back into the bedroom and put on the black strappy dancing shoes that Miles had picked up. I was instantly amazed that they were comfortable. I took a look in the mirror and hoped Asher was right. That trouble wouldn’t find me just because I was in a dress.
* * *
Trouble didn’t find me in a dress, I found it. And it was in the form of Miles. He looked so great in his black button-down dress shirt, and black slacks. His glasses were gone tonight, he figured it’d be easier to not have to worry about them. So he wore his contacts. I kind of missed the glasses.
Miles had spent months teaching me how to dance at his house, especially how not to lead. Yeah, I was majorly guilty of that. One of our favorite styles to dance to was salsa. Though I was usually in a pair of jeans and a shirt. Tonight, I was in a dress that kept flashing my thigh whenever I took a step. And my sho
ulders were bare to his touch as he spun me and pulled me back.
In salsa dancing there is a lot of touching, lots of hip moving on both sides, I knew that back home. But tonight, I actually realized how much touching there really was. Miles spun me, pulled me back against his body, one hand on my ribs just below my chest, his other hand on my bare shoulder. Tonight, I felt every touch like it was new and different. While Miles was usually timid and non-aggressive, on the dance floor… he was different. He was bold, playful and uninhibited. He had no problem touching me or spinning me around the dance floor. Tonight, I was seeing a Miles I rarely saw. And the butterflies in my stomach seemed to be on a transatlantic flight for how much fluttering was going on.
After going from salsa club to salsa club he spotted a blues club that would let us in. He grabbed a small table and held out my chair for me. Miles, ever the gentleman. I was trying to ignore the butterflies as I sat down. He sat across from me, the candle lighting up his face. Ugh, why did there have to be candles? I smiled at Miles who was looking through the crowd toward the stage as the musicians were coming back from a break.
“You really love dancing, don’t you?” I asked. He turned back to me, his ears turning pink.
“It’s one of the few things I know how to do well,” he admitted shrugging. I leaned forward to be sure he could hear me.
“You are completely different on the dance floor, Miles.”
One of his eyebrows shot up. His eyes narrowed at me. “Good different or bad different?” he asked, his voice uncertain for the first time tonight.
“Good different, you’re not overthinking everything.” I shrugged looking over the crowd as the band started playing. I felt him still watching me. I turned back to him. His eyes were warm, a small half smile on his face.
“You believe I overthink things?” he asked, the wrinkle back between his eyes.
“Most of the time. Sometimes it’s good to overthink. But sometimes you just have to say fuck it and go with it.” I was still watching the band when he stopped watching me.
We listened to the blues band play, they were amazing. I closed my eyes and listened to them move through the music. They started playing a slow rolling song. A hand took mine.
I opened my eyes. Miles was standing up and pulling me to my feet. His eyes were smiling as he led me out onto the dance floor. My heart slammed in my chest. We had practiced blues slow dancing before, but not very much. Simply because it involved a lot of hip movement against each other, after he taught me the basics we danced once. We both walked away from that dance red and stuttering, we hadn’t tried since. Miles pulled me against his chest, a little to the side. Just like he did back then. His arm wrapped around me, his hand resting just below my shoulder blades. His other hand, held mine up and near his chest. He pulled my body closer. I swallowed hard against my racing pulse and looked up into his eyes. He smirked down at me. He smirked! He knew exactly what he was doing. Alright, Miles. You want to play like that. I smirked back up at him feeling steadier now. I liked a challenge.
Miles led and I followed. We moved around the dance floor, our bodies moving together. He led me in the moves he taught me, never pushing me to try something I didn’t know. Our dancing was careful and not too close, which wasn’t easy with this kind of music playing. Then it changed. After a turn he pulled my body flush against his, my breath caught in my chest at the feel of him against me. His knee moved between mine, though with his height it was more my thighs. I remembered this part, this was the part that we had trouble with months ago. I looked up at him, my mouth suddenly dry. His molten eyes met mine, sending a wave of heat through me. I couldn’t look away as he wrapped his arm around my waist across my lower back, keeping me pressed tight against him. Then we danced, he moved me around the dance floor, his body flush against mine. He spun me out and back but always into the same position.
As the music went on my hips moved to the steps I knew he was leading me to. His hips moved on his steps. I was drowning in heat when I finally had to break eye contact. I tucked my head in between his shoulder and neck. His other hand brought my arm around his neck and let go. His fingers softly trailing down the skin of my arm. I draped myself against him as he led me to do, my arm over his shoulder with my hand flat against my spine. The dance moves that had been so awkward months ago now felt right, easy. I closed my eyes and trusted my weight to him as he led me into the move I knew was coming. He pulled me harder against him and up. I went on the toes of one foot as my other leg rose and wrapped around his hip. My body gave a deep throb, my breath caught as he spun us around with me draped against his chest. Holding me tight he stepped to the right, his thigh sliding further between mine. My breath caught as his thigh pressed against me. Then I was bringing my leg down to the floor and we were moving again. My pulse was loud in my ears when the song ended.
I looked up into his warm emerald eyes. A slow sultry song started. I expected his arm around my waist to loosen but it didn’t. Instead, he kept me pressed against him and began slow dancing with me again. There were no moves this time, no steps. Just us, turning in our spot on the dance floor. Wintergreen filled my senses as his fingers slowly trailed up my spine. My heart raced as he leaned down slowly, giving me enough time to pull away. I didn’t, I didn’t want to. Just once… I needed to feel him, just once. His lips barely brushed mine, as soft as a butterfly’s wing. Then he kissed me again, pressing firmer against my lips. My fingers ran up his back then to his neck. I kissed him back slowly, enjoying every heartbeat. Kissing Miles was like I always thought it would be. Amazing, heart racing. His hard body against me sent a wave of longing through me that shook me to my core. I should pull back, I should stop kissing him. I was about to until finally he slipped in and made everything catch fire.
There was only Miles, his kiss and his touch burning me through. Sweet, unassuming Miles. The one who almost always hesitated whenever he touched me even if I touched him first. And he was kissing me like I was water and he was dying of thirst. It was hard to breathe as he took over my mouth, his tongue dancing with mine just like he danced with me tonight. I needed to stop… I didn’t want to. Just a little longer, please? Just a few more minutes.
Someone cleared their throat. The world came back with the applause from the club. Miles’ kiss slowed, his lips grew softer. After another lingering kiss, he lifted his head. I rested my forehead against his shoulder as tears slid down my face. I didn’t want this… I didn’t want to love them all anymore. His cheek rested against my hair as we both caught our breath. That warm feeling of love poured through me, and I knew I couldn’t have it. His thumb stroked the skin between my shoulder blades.
“How did not overthinking go?” he asked, his voice the silky-smooth timbre I loved.
I laughed with tears still falling. “It went good. Great. You should not overthink more often,” I told him with a cheerful voice. I wiped at my face trying to be sneaky about it. Miles grew rigid against me. I should have known better, Miles noticed everything.
“Ar- Are you crying?” he whispered, his voice tight. He lifted his head and shifted to look down at me.
The warmth in his voice broke me. I couldn’t even look at him. “I’m sorry.” I pulled away and walked off the dance floor, through the crowd and out into the balmy heat. I turned left and headed back in the direction of the hotel, at least I think it was. I wiped my face and tried to breathe through the crushing pain in my chest.
“Lexie!” Miles’ voice called from behind me. I stopped and waited in the archway of a small courtyard.
He caught up with me. “Angel? Why are you crying?” he asked, his voice tight.
“Don’t call me Angel, I’m the exact opposite.” I told him as I wiped my face.
He swallowed audibly. “Did… did you not want to-”
“Of course, I wanted to.” I stepped further into the courtyard, needing the distance. I could feel his gaze on my face like a touch. “I’ve wanted to kiss you like that for a long time
.” I just couldn’t look at him. I kept my eyes on the stones of the courtyard as I sat on the stone bench next to a small fountain. “I just fucked this up royally.” I leaned forward, resting my elbow on my knees and hid my face in my hands I took deep breaths. Zeke... Ethan… Asher… Isaac… Miles… What the fuck was I going to do? Fear tore through me leaving me shaking. This was bad, really bad. What the fuck have I done? What the hell was I thinking? Did I really think this would work out? That I’d be able to date one of them and the others would be okay? Did I really fucking think I could choose? I just… God! This is it. I’ve destroyed our family.
I didn’t even hear Miles move, he was just there kneeling down in front of me. He pulled my hands away from my face. I still couldn’t look at him. I looked at the collar of his shirt, as he wiped the tears from my face. My heart breaking, my entire being felt hollow.
“What do you mean?” he asked carefully. “It’s just me, Lexie. I’ve cared about you this way for some time.”
I took a deep breath and met his eyes. His gorgeous deep emerald eyes. He was never going to look at me like that again. And I deserved it. “It’s not just you.” I wiped my face. “It’s Isaac. It’s Zeke. It’s Asher. Fuck, it’s even Ethan. Now I’m going to lose all of you.”
Heart aching, I went to turn away from him again. His hand cupped my jaw and brought my face back to him. His eyes narrowed at me. “What are you saying, Angel?”
I focused on breathing. My chest tightened and my hands started shaking but I told him. “I’ve kissed all of you.”
He was stone still. His eyes were going from hard to soft and back again. As if he couldn’t make up his mind about how he was feeling. I looked down at my fingers twisting in my lap.
“Let me get this straight,” Miles’ voice was cold. It felt like he was carving my heart out with just his voice. “All of our friends have kissed you?”
Secrets From the Grave Page 18