“Where do you think you’re going. I didn’t say you could leave yet,” she whispered, as she flipped me over on my back and climbed aboard.
Needless to say, the quickest of all quickies turned into an all-nighter. Like most dreams, not much made sense. But I did sense that I had been there once upon a time.
*****
During all this excitement, I went and complicated things even more by getting married again. Being single and a born-again Christian caused some complicated conflict within myself. It was definitely putting a huge dent in my love life. I made a few friends through the church’s singles group, mostly women. I tried to keep the relationships platonic. Honestly, I did, but hey, what’s a middle aged red-blooded horny healthy male suppose to do?
It was a constant struggle between right and wrong. I’d been playing around for most of the last 15 years. Now I’m thinking I can’t keep this type lifestyle going. That, plus having a very difficult time trying to be celibate, got me thinking about marriage again.
I was getting mighty tired of feeling a gutful of sin and guilt, so I got down on my knees. I had a heart-to-heart talk with the Man and sat back and waited for an answer.
Well, wouldn’t you know it, not two weeks later Anne popped back into my life. Lord have mercy. I never had a prayer answered so fast.
I had previously met Anne a few years back. She, her husband, and I had played on the same co-ed softball team. She was cute as a button in her short shorts and tight t-shirt. Had a hard time keeping my eye on the ball. But darn, she was married to John, and I wasn’t about to go that route again.
They got me involved in their multilevel business, so we spent a lot of time together. From my perspective, Anne appeared to be the perfect wife. I would tell myself that John was lucky to have a wife like her. If I were to ever marry again, I would want someone just like her. I kept it cordial and respectful this time around. In other words, I kept it and my thoughts in my pants. Try as we did, the business just didn’t pan out. We eventually drifted apart.
Then, while I was dating a girl named Jane and right after my plea to God, Anne, the perfect wife material, shows up at our Church’s singles group meeting. I just happened to be a greeter that day.
“Hello Tom,” she said with a sweet smile.
She must have thought a cat had my tongue, ’cause I was having trouble formulating a response.
“Well, hello, Anne. Long time no see. What’ca doing here?” was the best I could muster.
Turns out she and John had gotten divorced. Now, all of a sudden, out of the clear blue sky, there she stood, with no ring on her finger.
Hadn’t I been praying for a wife? Yes, Siree Bob, she had to be the answer to my prayers. Heaven had sent me an angel!
...I’ve been waiting for a girl like you, to come into my life...
But this put me in a predicament. I was currently dating Jane and we had planned a trip together to San Francisco. The trip was a disaster as all I could think about was Anne. I came to the conclusion that God had indeed answered my prayers and sent her back into my life. I told Jane this on the last day of our trip.
Of course, that went down like a lead balloon, and we parted on less than good terms. She hasn’t talked to me since. Sorry Jane, but God had answered my prayers and who dares go against God’s will?
Careful what you pray for Tom, you just might get it.
But here I was a happy camper again. The woman of my dreams and the answer to my prayers just waltzed into my life. We dated for three months, and both of us agreed that it was divine intervention. Being a Godly couple, we didn’t want to have a sinful relationship. So, on October 17, 1986, we hurried to the chapel and got married. This would be the third marriage for us both. Third time’s a charm, right?
Wishful thinking, Tom.
Looking at our wedding pictures, you can see my daughter Kristy wasn’t too pleased about the marriage. By her look, you would have thought I had married the devil.
Anne had two daughters from a previous marriage. One was out on her own, and the other was two years younger than Jason still living with Anne.
Kristy had graduated from high school. She and Anne’s oldest daughter moved into an apartment together. I paid for Kristy to enroll in junior college at Maple Woods. Anne’s youngest daughter lived with Anne, Jason and me in my condo.
One day I went to visit Kristy at her apartment because she wouldn’t answer her phone. Wouldn’t ya know it, Anne’s oldest daughter informed me Kristy had packed up and moved to Virginia Beach to live with her mom. I guess that confirmed she really wasn’t too happy with me getting married. Shortly thereafter, Jason left for the Job Corps.
From the get-go, Anne and I started having issues. It seemed we were only compatible in religion and sex. Everything else was like going a couple of rounds with Mohammed Ali. In our rush to appease God, we hadn’t taken the time to really get to know one another.
I was determined to make this one work, after all, she was God’s gift to me. But unfortunately, after ten struggling years it didn’t happen. God’s gift didn’t turn out to be the gift I expected. My third wife left a year after we built our Lake Waukomis ‘dream lake house and home’.
You know those gut feelings you get that something bad is gonna happen. Well, I had one of them that Monday morning when I left for work. Anne would be gone when I got home that evening. Our relationship had been going downhill fast since we moved into our new lake house. It wasn’t all that great before, but I thought maybe it would improve in a new environment, but she had become even more distant. Truthfully, I really didn’t want to stop her. Going through a rotten daily routine of ‘walking on eggs’ got to be a heavy burden.
We did have some good times, but they were few and far between. And to be honest, I was actually relieved it was finally over. I truly needed some peace of mind and a change of pace.
Some might say that I didn’t have the guts to leave myself. They are probably right. I kept hoping that God would somehow reveal why he had put us together. We ended up being two miserable people who couldn’t find what his purpose was. Maybe it was something we both had conjured up. Maybe we just didn’t have enough faith.
But when she left, it felt like a heavy burden had been lifted off my shoulders. Like a slave becoming a free man. However, being thrice divorced was not what I had envisioned when I’d left Clinton years ago to see the world.
Is there a lesson to be learned here? My advice would be to never marry someone on such short notice, even if you think that God was telling you to do so. We didn’t take the time to really get to know one another before we married. But then, who am I to be giving advice?
As Will Rogers once said, “If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.” Don’t you think it was about time for me to start heeding his advice?
Well, ya.
So here I am, fifty-three years old, beating the bushes again.
...But as if to knock me down, reality came around and without so much as a mere touch, cut me into little pieces. Alone again, naturally...
The divorce got me thinking, “What was it with me and women?” It seemed the more I tried doing things right, the more they kept turning out wrong. I would seem to find the right one, only to discover she was the wrong one. How many times can a broken heart mend? Jesus, what is it with me that I keep making life so complicated? But I didn’t have time to ponder the questions because I had a bigger problem staring me in the face.
Single income into a mortgage built on two incomes just doesn’t add up. My dream of living in my paradise lake home was about to go down the drain. The divorce proceedings were also taking a financial toll.
It came down to two choices. Get a second job or rent out the guest room. Neither idea had much appeal. A second job would ruin my social life, and I wasn’t comfortable sharing my home with a stranger.
Come on Tom, think!
*****
Low and behold, I accidentally stumbled upon a third choice,
thanks to a suggestion from a neighbor? Pat had been monitoring my situation.
“Why not kill two birds with one stone, Tom?” she pointed out one day. “Why not find a ‘friend with benefits’ and share expenses?” she pointed out.
Brilliant idea Pat! My clouded state of mind probably kept me from thinking of such a simple solution.
I immediately started checking out the dating section in the Kansas City Star newspaper. Old technology, I know, but that’s what you did back then. I began responding to some personal ads that caught my eye. I came down to earth with a thump when I saw my next phone bill. It was astronomical, and I hadn’t gotten to first base. The Star charged by the minute to listen to an ad. I finally figured out it would be more economical if I put in my own ad and have the ladies respond to me, because the person responding paid the phone expense.
This was my ad: If you like Pina Coladas and getting caught in the rain. If you’re not into yoga, if you have half a brain. If you’d like making love at midnight in the dunes on the cape. Then I’m the love that you’ve looked for, write me and escape.
Okay…You probably recognize the song and are thinking that was a brilliant ad. Well, I’m pulling your leg. At the time, I wasn’t so creatively minded.
This was the actual ad: SWM, 53, financially stable, seeking female friendship between 40-50, Height and weight proportional. Code: 1243.
Oh, how boring you say. Surely you can come up with something more creative. Well, believe it or not, it got a lot of responses.
A female attracted to my ad would call the paper and give them my code number which would give them access to my voice message. On my voice message, I described who I was and who would interest me.
I had the Righteous Brothers song Unchained Melody playing in the background. The love song of all love songs! That turned out to be the hook that enticed them to respond. Hey, I’m no dummy, women love romance!
In the next few months, the ‘Kid’ was a busy bee!
There were a few disappointments, but there were also a few enjoyments. First, I’ll tell you about some of the disappointments.
On one meeting, I swear, she had to be a he. I’ve never seen a woman with an Adam’s apple and man hands. Our conversation on the phone did not give a hint to any of this. When we met for dinner, I later got gas from eating so fast.
Then there was a lady who invited me to her home for dinner. Normally I met in a public place, but for some reason, I made an exception. She sounded like a nice person, so I accepted her invitation.
Jesus! Oh My God! Holy Cow, and What the Heck, all rolled into one.
She had ten cats roaming the entire house. Four parrots flying around in the main rooms, with newspapers spread all over the floor. It looked like I was in the middle of a open zoo cage. The smell alone left me with no appetite. No, her name wasn’t Polly, but she sure had some loose crackers! I couldn’t get out of there fast enough. I figured whatever it was she had prepared for dinner would give me something more than gas.
I next met a very stylish Spanish lady on the Plaza. The Plaza is the upscale part of Kansas City. She must have assumed I was wealthy when I told her I lived on a lake. When we met, she was driving a BMW, and I pulled up in my little sports Hyundai. She didn’t waste any time informing me that she wanted to marry up. Had no idea she was searching for a husband. It was apparent, right off the bat, I didn’t fit the bill. At least she got right to the point.
Okay. So much for the disappointments.
Then I met Willa May. All around country girl. Owned her own home. No kids. At this point in my life, no way did I want to deal with someone still raising kids. She introduced me to the country two-step. I even went out and bought cowboy boots and hat.
We got along great at first, but after a short time, I sensed something that didn’t quite add up. The vibes from her were extremely scrambled. The relationship got stuck in the mud. When I finally talked to her about it, she confessed she was in love with a married man. She had been for years and couldn’t shake him. She was using me as someone to spend time with when he wasn’t around. So much for Willa May. Didn’t appeal to me to be her spare tire, so I went back to the ads.
I had made up my mind not to become intimate with anyone until I got to know them pretty well. All my life I had rushed into physical relationships before I had gotten to know the person. I wanted to desperately change that habit, take it slow and easy. That proved to be more difficult than I could have imagined. Slow and easy just wasn’t the norm.
Then along came Janis. She seemed, at first, to be a good fit. Her two kids were raised, she was financially stable, and she was very nice-looking with a remarkable figure. We shared a lot of the same interests. She owned three homes (she rented out two) and was semi-retired. The lady had her shit together.
But she wasn’t interested in living together and sharing expenses. And, she made it quite clear from the start, she wasn’t interested in taking it slow, either. Turned out she wanted a friend with benefits and she didn’t want to waste time with formatives. Numb nuts here got off track and submitted to her seduction. At this point in my life, my Christian values got side tracked, as me and the Man had issues with the way things turned out with Anne.
Janis would have made a fine ‘Eve’ in the Garden of Eden as she loved to romp through the woods naked as a jay bird. She got off being photographed in the nude, especially outdoors in the wilderness. Getting a few grass stains on her bare butt washed off better than from her clothes. I must admit, I got caught up in her fantasies and was intrigued by her. We had some interesting photo sessions.
After a few exciting weeks, I finally came to my senses. I needed a roommate, not a playmate. Another time, another place that might have worked for me, but not now. Time was getting to be a factor as my savings account was running on empty and I would have to soon give up my dream lake home. Reluctantly, I ended another too fast to soon relationship.
In frustration I retraced my ad responses and noticed an ad (titled “Liver and Onions”). Her name was Karen and we had previously responded to each other but had somehow lost contact in all the shuffle. I decided I had nothing to lose by giving her another call.
During our conversation, I sensed this was worth further investigating. We agreed to meet at an Applebee’s located close to where she lived.
Just as I entered the restaurant parking lot, I observed a very elegant lady entering the restaurant.
“Man,” I thought. “Wouldn’t it be nice if she were the one?”
Sure enough. It was my lucky day. I should have bought a lottery ticket that day ’cause I hit the jackpot.
“Hello, I’m Karen,” she said, extending a graceful hand. As we shook, I felt a spark of electricity that energized my entire body.
She made me feel very comfortable as we chatted through dinner. Our defining moment was when we had finished eating. I was wondering if she would want to see me again.
She must have read my thoughts because she reached across the table and touched my hands.
“I would like to see you again.”
I felt my face light up bright red. When she saw my embarrassment, she squeezed my hands.
“I’ll take that as a yes,” she said, with a most pleasant smile.
...You’re just too good to be true. Can’t take my eyes off of you...
A couple months later she moved in as we agreed to give the relationship two years. Any skeletons should have shaken their rattled bones by then and any excess baggage could take the next flight out of town. During the two years, we fell into a sensible love.
On May 22, 1999, we became Husband and Wife. We were married in our home by my uncle E.M., Jr. He had fulfilled his mother’s wish and became a pastor. Mike was my best man. It was the first marriage I had a best man. Maybe that’s the key to a successful marriage?
After the wedding ceremony, the wedding party traveled by pontoon boat to the reception at our community building. Can you believe it! It took me 53 year
s to figure this relationship thing out and get it right. Of course, it helped to meet the right one and take the time to know. Could this finally be my ‘happy ever after’?
I know. You’re probably thinking, don’t bet on it.
Well, my friends, I just might fool you this time. We just celebrated our 18th wedding anniversary!
CHAPTER FOUR
Life Goes On
Soon after Karen and I got married, I received a phone call that turned my world upside down and inside out once again.
“Tom. It’s CJ. (Claudia was calling herself CJ these days). I really must tell you this. No, wait. Listen. Don’t hang up. Please. You remember how I talked about the night we drove to Carmel, and they took you. Well, actually they took us both. I’ve been fasting and abstaining from sex. That helped me to melt their mind block. Yes, their mind block. I thought then they were aliens, but they’re not. Now I have discovered the whole truth. I’m not me. You’re not you either. No, wait. Let me explain. We’re someone else. We are replicas. No, I’m not insane. No, no, I’m not delusional. You need to become a vegetarian and abstain from sex, and then you can melt your mind block and discover the truth. No, don’t hang up.”
But I had heard enough. Her babbling made no sense. If you remember, right after our divorce, she said we had been abducted by aliens. Now she claims that we are clones and the abductors aren’t aliens. Needless to say, I figured she had to of had a few more of those loose marbles. Keep in mind, that at this time in my life, I hadn’t yet melted the mind blocks, so I had no idea what the heck she was ranting about.
*****
My brother was now living in Colorado so we planned a fishing trip together, just the two of us. The fishing wasn’t all that great, so we decided to head back home. On the way back we passed by the Royal Gorge.
“Let’s go white water rafting,” my brother suggested.
“Sounds like fun brother.”
The Abduction Chronicles Page 14