by Cole, Cheryl
I can remember a sort of stunned silence, like we’d all been slapped in the face, but I was so cut up about my marriage this didn’t really make the impact it probably should have.
I met Ashley at home after the BRITs. I actually had butterflies in my stomach, but not the ones I was used to feeling when I looked at my husband. I felt sick and nervous at having to deal with this nightmare, and I could see he felt exactly the same.
‘I’ve come to the conclusion you obviously don’t care about me as much as I care about you,’ I said.
It was painful to say the words, and Ashley looked pained when I said them.
‘It’s not true,’ he said, shaking his head, and he made it clear he didn’t want the marriage to end.
He was very quiet and sad, and I told him that I didn’t want us to split up either, but that for us to move forward three things had to happen.
‘Just tell me,’ he nodded. ‘I’ll do anything.’
‘I don’t want you drinking. I don’t want you socialising with footballers or the people you were with that night. And I don’t want you to deal with that agent of yours any more.’
He agreed to all three in a heartbeat.
‘There is one other thing,’ I said. ‘I’m warning you that if anything like this ever comes up again I’m divorcing you. You’re lucky I’ve come back this time and if you ever disrespect me like this again, it’s all over, I’m out of here, and I mean it.’
Ashley looked relieved but was still very quiet and withdrawn, and for days and weeks and months afterwards he was not himself at all, and nor was I. It was like starting all over again, except we didn’t have the blank canvas we had when we were courting, we had one with dirty marks on it that we had to keep trying to wipe away.
I was straight back into rehearsals for the next Girls Aloud tour, which was good in one way as it meant I had no time to sit around and dwell on what had happened to my marriage. Hillary had calmed me down after my initial threats to leave the music industry, and had very sensibly told me that I shouldn’t make any rash decisions, especially when I was in such an emotional state.
The downside of going to work was that actually just leaving the house each morning had become a total nightmare, because I was being chased ferociously every day by the paparazzi.
‘Have you forgiven him, Cheryl?’ ‘Ashley’s a love rat – why have you taken him back?’ ‘Can you ever trust him again?’
It was relentless, and it was draining. They wanted pictures of me looking miserable because it went with the story, and they certainly got plenty of me looking that way because that’s how they made me feel, regardless of what mood I was in when I left the house.
I was working really hard with the girls. When we started the Tangled Up tour, which was our third arena tour, we wanted it to be bigger and better than anything we’d done before. There had been even more rumours about Girls Aloud splitting up after Nadine failed to show at the BRITs, but it wasn’t true and this was our chance to show we were not just together, but we were at our peak. Millions were spent on the set and the outfits, and we had 24 dates booked, performing to 300,000 fans.
My phone rang during a sound check one day. ‘Hi Cheryl, it’s Sundraj.’
‘What’s the problem this time? Has the rest of the tour been cancelled?’ I was trying to make a joke of the fact he had become my official bearer of bad news as well as our head of publicity, and his reply came as a shock.
‘Well, actually, some guys have put out a story, and they’re saying they have a video of you, Kimberley and Nicola partying in a hotel room in LA.’
‘Jodeci? Oh God, no. I was howling drunk and had mascara all over my face.’
‘It’s worse than that.’
‘Tell me.’
‘They weren’t Jodeci. They were a couple of guys making an American TV show called Parking Lot Pimps. Their job was to chat up as many pretty girls as possible and get them to say “Hi PLP” on camera, and you did it.’
‘You are joking!’
‘Unfortunately not.’
I knew it was all very innocent but I was still devastated when I eventually saw the film the guys had made, after it turned up alongside the story on the News of the World website. I was mortified, in fact, not least because I had kissed one of the guys on the top of his bald head, which sparked all kinds of stupid stories about how I was taking revenge on Ashley. It caused so much trouble, and Kimberley and Nicola’s boyfriends went absolutely bazooka.
‘You know what, only I could escape the paparazzi and walk straight into something like this,’ I said.
It would have been funny if it wasn’t so embarrassing, but there was absolutely nothing we could do about it but put it down to experience.
I got on with the tour and really threw myself into it. I loved every performance and totally lost myself on the stage. It did me good to spend time with the girls, talking about high heels and hairspray instead of my problems. We actually sold double the amount of tickets we had done on the Greatest Hits tour the previous year, which was an incredible achievement. I was buzzing for the first time in months, and I wondered what on earth I’d been thinking of to even consider leaving the music industry.
At the end of the tour we did a private gig in Monaco, and while we were all sitting round our hotel pool one day my phone rang and I saw the name ‘Simon Cowell’ flash up.
I’d met Simon briefly the year before when I took part in Celebrity Apprentice for Comic Relief. I was in the girls’ team, and we had to phone people up and ask them for money. The first person I thought of was Simon and I wasn’t afraid to call him. I was filmed asking him for a donation of anything between £1,000 and £10,000.
‘I’ll give you £25,000,’ he said after listening to my spiel.
The deal was that the donors had to come down to a funfair we were running, or the money didn’t count.
‘Why did you give me so much money?’ I asked Simon on the night.
‘Because you were so blatant and have such a sparky personality,’ he said. ‘You’re opinionated too. I like that.’
Not long after that he’d asked me to take part in his new show, Britain’s Got Talent.
‘Hi Cheryl, how are you, darling?’ he’d said. ‘Listen, I was wondering, how would you like to be a judge on Britain’s Got Talent?’
It was a brand new show and I didn’t know anything about it.
‘No, I’m not sure that’s for me …’
‘But Cheryl, you’re perfect for it. I could see that as soon as we met on Celebrity Apprentice …’
Simon had then started explaining how the show worked, with the judges watching a variety of acts and pressing a buzzer if they wanted to vote them off.
‘I don’t like the sound of that. I’m not sure I could do that to someone. I know what it’s like to be up there on stage like that, being judged. It’s nerve-wracking enough, without a buzzer.’
‘That’s exactly why you’re perfect for the job. You can relate to the contestants. Trust me, you’ll love it.’
‘Anyway, I’m on tour right now,’ I’d said to him, which was true as I was on the Greatest Hits tour at the time. ‘The timing doesn’t work.’
‘Filming starts after your tour ends, I’ve checked.’
Simon had an answer for everything and was ridiculously persuasive, and by the end of that call I had reluctantly found myself agreeing to do it. I had no time to give it any more thought while I was still on tour, but as soon as we’d done our last performance I had started to deeply regret saying yes.
It was 2007 when all that happened. I’d been married for less than a year at that point and all I really wanted was to spend time being a wife. I just wanted to be able to relax and see Buster and Coco every day too, because I’d missed them like crazy while I’d been away.
I remember I agonised for about a week about what I should do about Britain’s Got Talent, and two days before I was due to start I phoned Simon and pulled out.
&nbs
p; ‘I’m sorry, but I don’t know the show, and I want more time at home,’ I told him honestly. ‘It’s just not for me right now, I should never have agreed.’
‘Shame that,’ he replied. ‘I was going to offer you The X Factor. What do you think?’
‘I wouldn’t do The X Factor for all the tea in China,’ I replied without hesitation, as I knew the show well and always watched it with Ashley.
My immediate thought was that The X Factor would be an even harder job than Britain’s Got Talent, because the contestants were all singers. That meant I wouldn’t just understand how it felt to be up there on a stage being judged, I would know exactly what was going through their minds, because I had literally been in their shoes less than six years before. I couldn’t take someone else’s dream away. It would break my heart to do that, and I told Simon there was no way he was going to change my mind.
‘As I’ve said, I wouldn’t do it for all the tea in China,’ I said each time he came up with another way to persuade me.
‘But thank you for the offer.’
I’d felt very relieved when I finally put the phone down, but Simon obviously didn’t like taking ‘no’ for an answer.
‘Cheryl, hi! It’s Simon Cowell,’ he said now, as I sunbathed by the pool in Monaco.
It was June 2008 and apparently Sharon Osbourne had quit The X Factor the day before.
‘Will you reconsider?’ Simon said.
‘What part of “no” did this man not understand?’ I thought.
‘Simon, I’m really flattered by the offer but I said last year…’
I don’t think he let me finish my sentence before he started trying to persuade me all over again to join him on the judging panel, alongside Louis Walsh and Dannii Minogue.
‘You’ll love it,’ Simon was saying. ‘It’s a buzz to mentor somebody and watch them flourish. I’ve heard you have a good ear for music and I know you’re gobby. I like that. You’re perfect. Trust me, I’m going to take care of you here.’
Simon was very clever. He knew how I felt about the judging element and ending people’s dreams, so he shifted the focus onto the mentoring part of the job, which I had to admit did appeal to me. Then, once he had my interest, he came out with the line that really caught my attention.
‘The best thing is, the focus is on the acts, not you. It couldn’t be more perfect.’
I hadn’t thought of it like that before. I’d been under so much scrutiny because of my marriage, and now Simon was telling me that this was a chance to do something that wasn’t all about me for a change. It was all about the acts, not me, and I liked the sound of that.
‘OK, I’ll consider it,’ I promised.
I think Simon took that as a ‘yes’, because it’s what he wanted to hear.
I immediately spoke to all the girls, and Ashley of course, and everybody said exactly the same thing: ‘Go for it – what have you got to lose?’
I had no answer to that, which was just as well because the press statement was out there almost before I’d drawn breath from calling Simon back.
‘Cheryl Cole to replace Sharon Osbourne as X Factor Judge.’
As soon as I saw the headline I wondered what on earth I was getting myself in to. What’s more, I only had four days to get myself organised before the first auditions started. This was crazy.
I remember my dad phoning me around this time, sounding a bit upset.
‘Cheryl, sweetheart, I’ve just seen on a documentary that you’ve had a boob job. I’m that shocked, I can’t tell you.’
‘Dad! I haven’t had a boob job,’ I replied. ‘How many times do I have to tell you not to believe everything you hear? They’re always making up stories about me. It’s doing my head in!’
‘Well, thank goodness for that. I didn’t think you’d do anything like that …’
I’d had the worst hell ever from the media for six months at this point, and my dad’s call added to my worries about what I was letting myself in for with The X Factor. Would the spotlight really be on the acts instead of me?
I was already in a daily battle with myself not to take out my frustration with the paps on Ashley, and there were times when I’d really had to bite my tongue.
‘You stupid bastard! This is your fault!’ I wanted to shout at him after the paps had camped outside the house or chased me down a street. One time I was literally running down an alleyway in central London, being chased by 30 strange men. I wasn’t even working; I’d been for a dental appointment, nothing more exciting than that. If those men hadn’t had cameras in their hands I could have called the police, but I couldn’t because they were doing their jobs, hunting for a story, and Ashley’s behaviour had turned me into one of their biggest targets.
‘I’m having a sad day,’ was all I said to Ashley whenever I was finding things hard.
There was no point in blaming him because it would only cause more trouble, and I knew he was struggling too. When I was away on tour he hardly dared to go out, and he started smoking for the first time in his life, to help deal with the stress.
‘Everybody’s watching, waiting for me to mess up,’ he said.
On one occasion, when he had to attend a football function, a blonde girl had tried to sit on his knee. Ashley swished her away and was fuming afterwards, saying the paps had sent her over on purpose.
‘They’re out to get me,’ he ranted.
‘It can’t go on forever, we’ll get through this,’ I said, though I really wasn’t sure how.
I had days when every time I saw a blonde woman I panicked, thinking it might be that hairdresser. I didn’t tell anybody that, because I didn’t want my friends and family worrying about me. I didn’t confide in anybody, in fact.
I remember just once texting my mam and telling her about how upset I was by the paps chasing me. She replied by saying, ‘OK’, which made me burst out laughing. My mam didn’t know how to text properly, but even if she did she probably wouldn’t have said a lot more than that. I hadn’t been brought up to pour my heart out, and it was a big reminder to me of how I’d dealt with all my troubles in the past.
‘Pick your chin up,’ I could still hear my brother Joe saying to me, and that’s what I was trying to do, every single day.
Taking the X Factor job was a good way of doing that, I told myself. It was something new and exciting, and what did I have to lose?
10
‘Everyone loves you. You’re a star. Well done!’
‘Me dad would always choose the song off the album that would be a hit,’ I said to Ashley as I tried to convince myself I could do the X Factor job.
‘I’ve grown up with that. I can spot talent, can’t I?’
‘You’ll be brilliant, babes,’ Ashley said. ‘And look at the other telly you’ve done – you’re a natural.’
None of the other TV work I’d done was remotely like being a judge on The X Factor, but I knew Ashley was only trying to support me.
‘Well, I’m doing it now,’ I said. ‘There’s no going back. If it doesn’t work out, at least I’ve tried.’
I didn’t say this to Ashley, but my attitude to a lot of things had changed since his cheating. The way I felt in Thailand, when I didn’t care whether I got eaten by a shark, was still with me. I’d been to hell and back, and nothing could ever be as bad as that. Not being a successful talent show judge certainly wouldn’t come close, so what did I have to fear?
That’s how I felt when I turned up for the first audition days later. I’d watched the last few series of The X Factor at home with Ashley and always really enjoyed the show. I’d always been able to pick out the winner too, and so it wasn’t like stepping into something totally unknown.
‘Just be yourself, that’s all you can do,’ Ashley said.
Simon came over to me with a cheeky, smug smile on his face. ‘I’ll guide you step by step,’ he said, which was good to hear, but I wasn’t even nervous.
Louis made it easy too. ‘Let’s forget everything th
at’s gone before,’ he said. ‘Calling us fat, you mean?’ I thought, but I just smiled and agreed with him. ‘We’ll let bygones be bygones.’
When I met Dannii I decided to get in first, saying to her, ‘Let’s not let the media make this a bitch fest.’ She readily agreed. I didn’t know what had gone on between Dannii and Sharon Osbourne at that point, but there were all kinds of rumours that they didn’t get on, and that was why Sharon had left. I really didn’t have the energy for all that rubbish and I didn’t ask questions. I just wanted to focus on the job and pick out the best talent, and I imagined that was all Simon wanted me to do too. I had no idea at the time, but I came to find out later that Simon actually loved drama between the judges.
One of the first auditions I saw was in Manchester, and it completely threw me. I recognised the contestant the second he walked in the door. It was Nikk Mager, one of the boys who had made the final 10 in Popstars with me, six years earlier. He never made it into the boy band One True Voice, but he hadn’t given up on his dream and was back, trying to win a recording contract, all those years later.
‘I can’t do this,’ I said when he started to sing. His audition wasn’t going well, and I felt like I was having a panic attack. I just knew I was not going to be able to say those words: ‘It’s a “no” from me.’ It seemed so wrong, having once been on the other side with him, so I refused to vote. Simon was fine about it afterwards, because of course any drama was good for ratings, but that was something else I was too naïve to have worked out back then.
Once I got to know Simon a bit better I’d actually beg him not to make me be the one to say ‘no’. ‘It makes me die a little bit inside,’ I’d plead.
‘Sorry, Cheryl, it’s all part of the show.’
‘But you don’t mind saying “no”. In fact you enjoy it!’
‘So-rry.’
The only acts I didn’t having any problem saying ‘no’ to were the 14-year-olds. I didn’t care how good they were, I considered them too vulnerable for the industry at that age and would point out what happened to Britney Spears and Michael Jackson to anyone who argued with me, Simon included.