by Cole, Cheryl
‘It’s like we’ve never been apart,’ I thought. ‘And I still love him.’
There was no awkwardness at all. It felt like I’d just been away from him for a few weeks. Ashley’s mam was there and I went to say hello to her before Ashley and I went and had a cigarette together, alone.
‘I’m moving to LA,’ I told him. ‘I’m doing American X Factor.’
‘WOW! I’m so proud! I knew you’d always do big things.’
His eyes were shining with excitement. He reacted the way I should have done, and I thought that was very sweet. Ashley looked skinnier than before and the house had a different smell about it, but apart from that, it was like time had stood still since we’d last been together.
‘I’m sorry for how it’s all turned out,’ he said, eventually. I wasn’t going to ask him any questions about the cheating because that wasn’t why I’d gone there, and I knew I wouldn’t get any answers.
I asked about his football instead, and told him how sad I’d felt when he won the Double and I wasn’t there with him.
‘I felt the same,’ he said. ‘I locked myself in the dressing room and cried afterwards.’
We also talked a bit about my malaria and the fact I hadn’t let him visit me.
‘That hurt a lot,’ he told me. ‘I was so annoyed.’
‘It’s partly why I wanted to see you. I wanted to explain. I wasn’t in my right mind and I wish I’d never done that.’
‘I really appreciate that.’
I was there for an hour or so, and Ashley asked me if I would come back the following week and say goodbye to his brother, Matthew, and sister-in-law, and Sue. I agreed, and when I arrived the next week he’d laid out nibbles and really made an effort. We played pool and it was a really enjoyable night. I was so happy to spend time with Sue again. We’d always got on really well and she still felt like family to me. They all did, and driving away was painful. I felt like I’d stepped out of a parallel universe. Ashley and I lived totally separate lives now, but in that house it was like nothing had changed.
I couldn’t sleep that night. I felt like I’d suffered a shock to my system. The same thoughts kept going round my head. How could we have said those vows and lost it all like that? We should have been going through life together, but we were missing out on so many big things in each other’s lives. It seemed so sad and pointless, and I felt bereft all over again.
‘Cheryl! Cheryl!’
I was standing on the pavement outside the Galen Center in LA on 8 May 2011, about to start my new job. I was in the purple and orange outfit, smiling and waving at all the photographers and film crews. It was literally just days since I’d seen Ashley and left England, but in that moment my old life seemed a million light years away. I was here, in LA, a judge on American X Factor. I still didn’t feel anything like excited, but I had made a commitment to this job and I was going to give it my best shot. I took a deep breath and went inside the auditorium.
I had no idea what I was letting myself in for, but I just did what I always did in these situations. ‘Do your best, that’s all you can do,’ I heard my mam’s voice saying in my head.
I introduced myself to LA Reid, one of the other judges, and he gave me a big smile and welcomed me warmly.
‘We’re waiting on the two divas,’ a member of the production team I knew from the UK X Factor whispered to me. ‘Both notoriously late.’
That meant Simon, of course, and Paula Abdul. I’d never met Paula before, and in fact she didn’t even know she was doing the show until the day before. Nicole Scherzinger and Steve Jones, the two presenters, were up on the stage, so I went over and said ‘hi’ to them. Steve was normal and friendly but Nicole was singing and dancing to her own songs, and I found that a bit crazy and odd.
‘Hi! Cheryl!’ She beamed. ‘SO good to see you again!’
I wasn’t sure the feeling was mutual. The first time I met Nicole was when she was performing on The X Factor in London.
‘Oh my God, Cheryl! You’re just as pretty in real life! I just heard your song on the radio!’ she had gushed. It was really embarrassing. Then she started singing ‘Promise This’ to me, and I swear to God the woman sang the whole song, to my face. It was just so awkward, and every time I stood next to her she started singing it again. I thought how that would be like me going up to Britney and singing the whole of ‘Baby One More Time’ in her face. Can you imagine how weird that would be?
‘Hi Nicole,’ I smiled, relieved that this time she was too occupied with singing her own songs to start on mine.
As I walked off the stage, Richard Holloway, the X Factor’s executive producer who I’d worked with for years at home, came up to me.
‘How are you feeling?’ he asked.
‘I’m getting there,’ I replied honestly, meaning that I’d got through the press, met LA Reid, Nicole and Steve, and was about to meet Paula.
She and Simon appeared minutes later, and Paula was really lovely and seemed genuinely pleased to meet me. I had a good feeling about her, but Simon was acting like a weirdo, puffing out his chest as we went through to a holding area, where the contestants were waiting nervously.
‘Good luck to all of you,’ Simon said. ‘We’re looking for stars …’ It was the same spiel I’d heard him say countless times in the UK, but something was different. He seemed more arrogant than ever, and he began speaking quite rudely to the contestants as he told them what to do and where to go next.
‘Are you OK?’ he said to me briefly. ‘Yes,’ I replied, because I felt absolutely fine. I was just thinking to myself, ‘I’m not sure you are.’
That first day of auditions went well. I put my work head on and got on with it. ‘It’s just like the UK auditions but with American accents,’ I said to Lily at the end of the day. ‘I’ve enjoyed it, actually.’
Even though I still didn’t feel particularly thrilled by the whole thing, I was pleased I’d got off to a good start. Quite unexpectedly, Simon strode up to me, chest puffed out again, and told me in no uncertain terms: ‘The crazy hair goes tomorrow’, before turning on his heels and walking off.
‘What’s all that about?’ I thought.
He called me later that night to make the same point again. ‘The crazy hair goes tomorrow and you need to be more yourself.’
I was really annoyed now. ‘What happens to your f****** hair, and when do you start being yourself?’ I retorted.
I had already planned what I was wearing for the second day of auditions – a cream sleeveless top and dark trousers – and I decided to have my hair plaited loosely on one side, because that’s what suited the outfit. I had no idea if Simon would like it or not, but quite frankly I didn’t care what he thought. Nobody had told me he’d suddenly become a fashion expert.
I enjoyed myself more on day two, and I forgot about Simon’s comments. There was a great atmosphere in the auditorium and I felt a connection to the audience, and to the contestants. Simon seemed fine, so I assumed he’d just been a bit stressed on the first day.
There was a break of a few days after the LA auditions, which suited me as it meant I could go to the Cannes Film Festival for L’Oréal, as they’d asked me to walk the red carpet for them.
Before I left, Richard Holloway came up to me and asked, ‘Who do you think we should have as judges in the UK?’
‘I don’t know. Who are your options?’
He gave me a few names and I gave my opinion. I was just going ‘yes, no, yes, yes …’ It was just like that. I knew Simon valued my opinion, so this wasn’t an odd conversation.
I was looking forward to Cannes, and when I got there my red carpet moment turned out to be one of the most memorable ever, for an unexpected reason.
‘Oh my God!’ I said just moments before I stepped out in front of the waiting photographers.
I’d had my nails painted at the last minute and, not realising they were still wet, I’d accidentally smeared burgundy-coloured nail varnish all up the side of my white
Stephane Rolland dress.
‘What am I going to do?’ I panicked. I was meant to be a glamorous ambassador for L’Oréal, and this was just not acceptable. I didn’t have another dress, and even if I had it would have been too late to change as I was literally expected on the red carpet any moment.
‘You’ll just have to hold your clutch back at an angle, over the worse of it, and hope nobody notices,’ a stylist said, and that’s what I did, the whole night long.
I laughed when I saw the photographs the next day, because the bag was in exactly the same place on every shot, no matter where or how I was standing, and when I waved at the crowd it was always with my left hand as my right arm was glued to my side.
Simon called me while I was still in Cannes, which immediately wiped the smile off my face.
‘Do you want to go home … and be a UK judge?’ he asked me.
I was absolutely stunned. By that time I’d already told everyone I wasn’t doing the UK X Factor again. I’d made that clear when it was finally announced I was going to America. I’d done three years and enough was enough. I wasn’t going back.
‘No, Simon. I’ve been there and done it. Three times. Why are you asking me this question now?’
This was irritating beyond belief. The only reason I was doing the American X Factor was because Simon more or less told me I was doing it.
‘I’m just wondering … if you would consider it?’
‘No. Absolutely not.’
‘So you definitely won’t. You want to do the American one?’
I felt like screaming at him: ‘Why have you left it until now to ask me this? Are you crazy?’ but I simply replied, ‘I’ve started now, haven’t I, Simon?’
‘OK. Seem more like yourself when you get back then,’ he warned.
The conversation really annoyed me but I tried to put it down to Simon being under a lot of pressure himself, which I’m sure had also accounted for his odd behaviour in LA.
I was relieved that when we met up again, this time in New York, he seemed to be a bit more like the old Simon, although he did have the cheek to come up to me and say, ‘You look more like yourself today,’ with an approving smile on his face. By anyone else’s standards this was very rude, but for Simon this wasn’t untypical, and I let it go.
We were with the other judges and presenters to do a promotional event. It was called ‘Fox Presents The X Factor’ and was a kind of showcase for the series. Everything ran smoothly, and afterwards we all flew to Chicago for the next round of auditions.
As soon as I arrived at the Chicago venue I spotted a female producer from the UK who I knew had not long recovered from cancer. I went up to her to see how she was doing, and we ended up having a big conversation about how it feels to be poorly. I hardly ever talked about my malaria but I did on this occasion, because we were two women who had a connection.
I could sense Simon watching me, and looking back I imagine he was thinking I was not being myself again. This wasn’t a typical conversation for me to have, I admit, but I didn’t see what it had to do with Simon.
‘There’s something weird going on with Simon and Nicole,’ Lily whispered to me later that day.
I had to agree that something didn’t feel right, but I wondered if Lily was being a bit paranoid. She didn’t think she was.
‘I swear they’re whispering and stuff. Something’s not right.’
I focused on the auditions, which went really well. One of the contestants stood out for me because he could sing, he was good-looking and he had charisma. I told him, ‘You’ve got the package.’ Everyone burst out laughing, because the guy was wearing really tight jeans which obviously made people focus on the word ‘package’. I hadn’t meant for that to happen, but it was all good fun. I felt the same vibe I’d felt in the UK. I was enjoying myself, and the audience seemed to be really enjoying what I was doing.
We had a two-week break after the day of auditions in Chicago, because Simon had to be back in the UK for Britain’s Got Talent. Before we left, Richard Holloway came up to me and asked where I was spending the time, and when I told him I was going back to England he asked if he could meet me there. He made it sound like a casual thing, as if we might just go out for dinner or something, and I happily agreed.
He phoned very shortly after we got back to London. Lily took the call and asked if we could arrange a date for the following week.
‘Er, not really,’ Richard replied. ‘I need to see her sooner than that. We need to meet as urgently as possible.’
Alarm bells were ringing, and I agreed to see him in a hotel near my house in Hadley Wood a couple of days later. My mam was down, and I didn’t want him coming to the house with her there, because I could sense this was bad news.
‘Something’s off,’ I told Lily. ‘If this isn’t a social visit, why hasn’t he rung management?’ That’s how it worked, and that would have been the polite thing to do. If someone wanted to fix up a business meeting, however well I knew them, they would go through my management team, making arrangements with either Seth or Hillary.
‘I’ve got a gut feeling this is gonna be about him telling me that American X Factor is over. Will you come with me?’
Lily agreed because she felt the same bad vibes herself and she didn’t want me to be on my own.
As we drove to the hotel I told her, ‘I promise you – watch how this goes down. I can feel it.’
Richard looked all awkward and weird when we walked in, and he launched into his spiel straight away.
‘Right, there’s no easy way of saying this. You’re going to be replaced on X Factor America … but your chair’s still here for you in X Factor UK.’
I could feel the shock coming from Lily even though she was sat across the room from us, but I felt nothing, again. I had that numbness I’d had when I first took the job.
‘No, I don’t want it, thank you,’ I told Richard.
‘What do you mean?’
‘I mean I don’t want the X Factor UK chair back, but thank you.’
‘You need to seriously consider what you are doing for your career,’ he said.
I looked at Lily in complete disbelief now. How much front did this man have?
‘Thank you, Richard, but I don’t want the job, but thank you for the offer. By the way, who am I being replaced by?’
He paused for a moment and then said, ‘Nicole.’
Lily was shaking her head now. She’d been right this whole time.
‘They don’t appreciate you as much in America, Cheryl, but they love you here. Nobody wanted you to leave X Factor UK. Think about it. It’ll be a massive homecoming. It’ll be amazing. The British audience thought they’d lost you and you’re back. You’ll be head judge. Can you imagine the reception you’ll get when you go out on that stage?’
I let him say his piece, and the whole time I was thinking, ‘This is crazy. I didn’t even ask for the American job in the first place. This is all Simon’s fault.’
When Richard stopped talking I looked him straight in the eye and asked, ‘You’re basically telling me you’re doing Simon’s dirty work?’
He nodded, then said again, ‘You have to consider the offer.’
I was getting extremely irritated now, and I told Richard exactly what I thought.
‘Absolutely not. It wouldn’t be amazing at all. You’ve already told Gary Barlow he’s head judge and suddenly you’re telling me to be head judge? What would happen about stupid things like who would get Simon’s dressing room? I’ve got a lot of respect for Gary Barlow. He’s older than me and has way more experience and I look up to him in this industry. I’ve been brought up to respect me elders. NO WAY!’
There was also the question of somebody else losing out on a job because of me. They had Tulisa and Kelly Rowland lined up, and Richard told me it would be up to me who I wanted to work with, alongside Gary and Louis. This felt wrong on so many levels. Other people’s lives were being played with, not just mine.
&
nbsp; ‘Can you tell me why I’m being replaced?’ I asked. ‘Is that possible, because I really don’t know what I’ve done wrong.’
Richard made reference to my Geordie accent, which I really took exception to.
‘Me accent? Now you’re making Fox look foolish. They’re a massive worldwide company and they are not gonna employ somebody that cannot be understood. I am the same person they saw at Christmas. They sat in the audience in London. They knew exactly what they were employing.’
‘Look, just consider the offer,’ Richard said yet again. ‘I’ll give you a call later in the week.’
The UK auditions were due to start in a week’s time. I knew it was going to be horrible for me now in the media whatever happened next, and so I asked Richard not to tell Simon my decision until I’d spoken to him myself. I could already imagine the headline. ‘Cheryl wants to come home!’ That’s what Simon would tell the press so he didn’t look bad, and I didn’t want him to be able to put anything out there until I’d talked to him directly.
When Lily and I left the hotel she was whiter than me, and we were both laughing nervously.
‘I cannot believe they’d have let you turn up to that on your own,’ she said.
‘I can’t get over the fact that “big man” Simon, the same guy that told me I had the job and told me “don’t wear that hair” couldn’t tell me I didn’t have the job! The coward didn’t even have the guts to phone us or send us a message warning me what was coming.’
I was still giggling with nerves when I got back home, knowing I would have to face my mam and Garry with the news.
‘I’ve been sacked from American X Factor,’ I told them bluntly as soon as I walked in the door, and then I burst out laughing.
‘Shut up, yer daft sod!’ my mam said. ‘No way! For what?’
Garry was open-mouthed. ‘No way, man. Shut up! Never!’
‘I promise you, I know I’m laughing but I’m not joking with you. Richard said it was because of me Geordie accent but I’m not buying that. No way.’