“I haven’t known your dad and Ruby as long as you have, but I know that there is no way they could ever hate you, Ben. They love you. Absolutely they love you.”
Ben pressed his hands to his face. “That’s only because they don’t know.”
“I’m sure that whatever it is, it’s not as bad as you think.”
“It is. It’s the worst.”
A shiver raced up her spine. Had something happened to Ben? Had someone taken advantage of him? “Would it help if you told me? Maybe you’d feel better if you got it off your chest.”
He shook his head.
“What if I promised not to tell anyone else unless you gave me permission? Would that make a difference?” She held her breath, banking on the fact that Ben was clearly aching to tell someone what was on his mind.
Ben sniffed a few times, thinking her offer over. “You can’t tell anyone.”
“I swear it will be our secret.”
There was a long silence. When Ben spoke, his voice was barely above a whisper. “The day Mom died, I was supposed to get a lift home from karate with George Simpkin’s mom, but George and I had a fight during class and I called Mom and asked her to come get me.”
Hannah closed her eyes, guessing what was coming next.
“If I hadn’t asked her to pick me up, she wouldn’t have been in the accident. It’s my fault she died,” Ben said brokenly.
Bloody hell.
For a moment Hannah was swamped with a huge, vast sadness. Joe’s son had been carrying this misplaced guilt around with him for two long years. No wonder he’d been so angry and sad and withdrawn.
“See. You hate me now. And Dad and Ruby will hate me if they find out.”
Tears pricked the back of her eyes at the depth of his fear and hurt. For a moment she felt overwhelmed. Then she shuffled around so she was facing him. “Ben, I want you to look at me.”
His head came up. His face was streaked with tears and his bottom lip trembled with emotion. She held his eye.
“What happened was not your fault. It was an accident. No one could have known that it would happen.”
“But she wouldn’t have even been there if it hadn’t been for me.”
Hannah wondered how many times he’d lacerated himself with the exact same thought. “Someone ran a red light. That’s why your mom died. You didn’t do a thing wrong.”
She could see how much Ben wanted to believe what she was telling him. It was bad enough that he had to live with the grief of losing his mother, but to believe he was to blame…It was the sort of misconception that could ruin a life.
“Accidents happen all the time, for no reason,” she said. “I know that’s kind of scary to think about, but it’s true. You can’t take responsibility for an accident.”
Ben frowned into the darkness. She wished she knew the handful of magic words that would convince him, but she suspected there were none. He’d been living with his mistaken belief for two years, and it was going to take time to convince him he was blameless.
He shifted and sniffed mightily, wiping his nose on the sleeve of his T-shirt.
“Has anyone ever told you how gross that is?” she said lightly.
As she’d hoped, it shocked a laugh out of him. “Yeah. Grandma. All the time.”
“You do that in front of your grandma? You’re a brave man.”
Ben sniffed again, but the look he flashed her was marginally less miserable.
She pulled out her phone. “I’m going to call your dad, let him know I’ve found you so he can stop worrying. Okay?”
She kept the call short, letting Joe know they were on their way home. When she ended the call, she simply sat in silence for a few seconds.
“You ready to go?”
“I guess.”
They crawled out of the pipe. Ben looked so small and young, Hannah had to clench her hands into fists to stop herself from hugging him.
They were both silent as they walked through the park to the street. Ben didn’t speak up again until they were about to turn into their street.
“Are you going to tell him?”
“Your dad? No. I promised you I wouldn’t, and I won’t. But I think you should.”
Ben stared at her mistrustfully. She stopped walking to give him her full attention. “What have you got to lose?”
“Only everything.”
“And that would make you really miserable and you wouldn’t want to hang out with anyone or make new friends and you’d probably spend most of your time in your room on your own listening to your iPod. When you weren’t yelling at your sister or ignoring your dad, that is. Does that sound about right?”
Ben blinked. “You’re saying I’m already unhappy.”
“You tell me.”
They both started walking again, Ben’s face screwed up in concentration as he thought over what she’d said.
“I guarantee he won’t hate you, Ben,” she said as they turned onto their street and saw Joe’s house, light spilling out of every window, the Mazda parked in the driveway. “I know it’s hard, but I think you need to start telling people how you’re feeling instead of keeping everything locked up inside all the time.”
Ben glanced at her out of the corner of his eye.
“If you want me to, I could tell him with you. Would that make it any easier?” she said.
Ben didn’t respond. She bit her lip. She was about out of strategies. They walked toward the house. She could feel the heat coming off the SUV as she passed the hood. Joe must have just gotten home.
“Okay,” Ben said, so quietly she almost didn’t catch it.
She glanced at him as Joe walked out onto the front porch. Ben stopped in his tracks and the two Lawson men stared at each other across the space of a few feet. A knot lodged in her throat as she saw the fear and longing on Ben’s face.
“You okay?” Joe asked, his voice rough with emotion.
Ben nodded. Joe started down the porch steps and Ben made a choking sound before flinging himself into his father’s arms.
Hannah sniffed noisily as she watched Joe comfort his son. Lucky she wasn’t the kind of woman who wore a lot of makeup or tonight would have left her looking like a panda.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt Ruby,” Ben said, his voice muffled by Joe’s shirt.
“Your sister is fine, although she’s probably going to drive you crazy asking you to sign her cast.”
Ben made a sound that might have been a laugh. Then he pushed away from his father’s embrace. He shot Hannah a quick, nervous glance, then focused on his father and took a deep breath.
“There’s something I need to tell you. It’s about Mom,” Ben said.
Joe’s face remained carefully neutral. “Okay. Why don’t we go inside?”
He started to herd Ben toward the door, but Ben hung back and glanced over his shoulder.
“Hannah, too,” he said.
It was the smallest of shifts, but it pierced her heart.
“It’s okay, I’m coming. Try keeping me away,” she said with a watery smile.
Then she followed Joe and Ben into the house.
CHAPTER TWELVE
JOE PAUSED IN THE HALLWAY as he shut the door to his son’s room. It was late, past one in the morning, and for a moment he felt immeasurably heavy, weighed down by the sadness his son had been carrying for so long.
He closed his eyes and rubbed the bridge of his nose. He should have pushed harder earlier, asked the right questions. He should have somehow seen that Ben’s misery went deeper than simple grief.
He walked slowly to the living room. Hannah was on the couch and she looked up when he entered.
“How’s he doing?”
“He’s asleep.”
“No wonder. It’s been a big night.”
“Yeah.”
“Come here.” She patted the floor. “Sit between my legs.”
He sat on the floor and allowed her to draw him back against the couch, her legs on either
side of his shoulders. She began to massage him, her thumbs working at the tense muscles in his back and neck.
“Don’t give yourself a hard time,” she said quietly.
He shrugged. She found a knot in his neck and worked at it diligently for a few seconds.
“You’re a great dad, Joe. One of the best. But you’re not a mind reader.”
“You didn’t know him before the accident. I should have seen it was something more than Beth dying.”
“Tell me, how is a grieving kid supposed to act? Moody, angry, incommunicative? Until Ben was ready to tell someone what was going on in his head, you didn’t stand a chance of working it out on your own. And blaming yourself isn’t going to get anyone anywhere or do Ben any favors, by the way.”
Typical Hannah, calling it as she saw it, like always. Despite his weariness and sadness he smiled. “You’re a real ball breaker, you know that?”
“You wish.”
“You saying I want my balls broken?” He twisted his neck to look at her, one eyebrow raised.
“I’m saying you’ll take any attention down there that you can get.”
“Really?”
“Really.” She raised a challenging eyebrow back at him.
He moved quickly, twisting and hooking an arm behind her neck and hauling her onto the floor. He didn’t stop until she was beneath him, her arms pinned to the carpet.
“Thank you for making my point,” she said.
He kissed the smile off her lips. “You can break my balls anytime.”
“Aren’t you supposed to whisper sweet nothings like that in my ear?” she said.
She was such a smart-ass.
He pulled her earlobe into his mouth and bit it gently.
“How about this? I love you, Hannah Napier,” he whispered against the soft skin of her neck.
She went very still, and he released one of her hands so he could lever himself up on an elbow and look into her face.
“Something wrong?” he asked, trying to keep his tone light despite the flutter of nervousness in his belly. He thought he understood her, knew what was in her heart. But he could be wrong. He could be way off base.
“No. You just keep taking me by surprise, that’s all.”
“You mean it’s a surprise to you that I’m crazy about you?”
And here he thought it had been as obvious as hell, that he might as well plaster it on a billboard and shout it to the world.
“Yes. No. You know what I mean. I’ve been biding my time, trying to find the right opportunity, the right moment, and you just threw it out there….”
It took him a moment to understand what she was saying. He smiled, warmth unfolding in his chest. “Let me get this straight. I’m in trouble because I beat you to the punch?”
“Not in trouble. Just stuck with me for the foreseeable future.”
She still couldn’t say it. He had her ex-fiancé to thank for that, he suspected. He cupped a hand to his ear, pretending to be hard of hearing.
“Sorry, was that a declaration I just heard, Ms. Napier?”
She stared at him for a moment. Then she took a deep breath, her eyes very serious as she looked into his. “I love you, Joe Lawson. Happy now?”
“Yes.”
He wrapped his arms around her and pulled her close, his cheek resting against hers, her scent in his lungs, her heart beating next to his. He thought about the past few weeks, the trials she’d endured, and he squeezed her closer.
“I love you,” he said again, just to hear the words out loud.
“I love you, too. So much.”
“Let’s go to bed.”
She hadn’t stayed the night before, but he needed her tonight. Needed her body against his, the simple comfort of having her near.
“Not really the best timing for such a big move,” she said regretfully.
He knew she was right, but it was hard not to feel frustrated. And it wasn’t about sex. It was about intimacy. Belonging. Comfort. Security.
She traced a finger along his jawline. “What if I just lie down with you for a while? Then I’ll go home.”
It was something, better than nothing.
He led her to his bedroom and she took off her shoes and jeans and climbed into bed beside him wearing her T-shirt and underwear. He pulled her into his arms and she rested her head on his shoulder, their legs tangling. She felt good, smelled even better. He closed his eyes and pressed a kiss to the top of her head.
Almost immediately his brain circled to the problems of the evening, to his troubled son and his daughter with her arm in a cast. He smoothed a hand down Hannah’s arm over and over, wondering what more he could have said to put Ben’s mind at ease, if there was something else he should be doing.
“He’s going to be all right, Joe. He’s a smart kid. He’ll work it out.”
Somehow, she knew he was fretting again.
“I hope so.”
She turned her head to look at him. “I was thinking it might help to find someone for him to talk to. Someone who specializes in kids. What do you think?” She said it hesitantly, as though she was unsure of his reaction. Trust Hannah to have a game plan when he was still floundering and trying to find his feet.
“Good idea. I’ll talk to our doctor tomorrow, see if he can recommend someone.” He’d make the call first thing and do whatever it took to get Ben to open up.
“He’ll be okay,” Hannah said again.
“Yes.”
She smiled at the conviction in his voice and lay her head back on his chest. “I’m just going to close my eyes for a few minutes. Do not let me fall asleep.”
“I won’t.”
“Because I can’t stay the night yet.”
“I know.”
“Not until Ben is absolutely okay with all of this.”
“Yes.”
It was one of the many things he loved about her, the fact that she put his kids’ welfare first and foremost, always.
“Just a few minutes,” she reminded him drowsily.
He smiled to himself. In all likelihood she would fall asleep, and he would let her. Then he would wake her in an hour or two, and if he was very lucky, they might make love before she went home.
And maybe, one day soon, she wouldn’t have to go home, and he’d have the pleasure of waking to find her next to him, her brown eyes hazy with sleep, her beautiful mouth curving into the first smile of the day.
Getting a little ahead of yourself, buddy.
But for the first time in a long time it felt okay to dream a little, to believe that maybe they’d turned the corner and that things were going to improve.
And right now he had Hannah in his arms, even if for a few hours. It was enough to be going on with.
“HANNAH, OVER HERE. Come and look at this one.”
Hannah looked up from the doll-themed pajamas she was inspecting and saw her mother was knee-deep in the women’s lingerie department, a flashy red bra and pantie set dangling from one hand.
“Mom, we’re not shopping for me. Or you, for that matter,” she said.
It had been nearly six weeks since Ben’s big blowup, or what she and Joe now referred to as The Turnaround. Christmas was just around the corner and she was still trying to find a few must-haves for Ben and Ruby. The Nintendo game he’d requested was proving impossible to find, and even though Ruby claimed that with her eleventh birthday looming in late December she was “over dolls,” Hannah knew better. Ben had taken it upon himself to do an inventory of his sister’s accessories so Hannah would know what not to buy, and Hannah was determined to take home a haul of pink, spangly stuff if it killed her.
She smiled as she remembered Ben’s earnestness as he handed over his list to her. He’d been seeing a counselor for about a month and the change in him was nothing short of miraculous. It was as though a huge burden had been lifted from his shoulders—which, of course, it had. Every time he laughed or teased his sister or looked to his father for approval, Hannah’s chest
ached to see him so changed. Best of all was when he looked at her, or laughed at her jokes, or came over to help her put the finishing touches on the newly chromed Thunderbird. Joe didn’t know it yet, but she was giving it to him for Christmas, and both his children had been excellent coconspirators in helping her trick the bike out to suit his tastes. She and Ben had finished buffing the mudguards just last night, in fact.
“It’s so beautiful, Hannah,” her mother called again. “At least come and look at it. If I had your figure I’d buy it in a snap.”
Everybody in a five-mile radius could hear what her mother was saying and see the red bra and panties. Hannah rolled her eyes, knowing there was only one way to shut her up.
“It’s one of those sexy balconette things,” her mother said, thrusting the bra into Hannah’s hands the moment Hannah joined her. “And feel how soft the silk is.”
Hannah dutifully rubbed the silky fabric between thumb and forefinger. As her mother had said, it was very soft. And even though she wasn’t particularly into girlie underwear, the red silk and black lace was actually pretty saucy up close.
“Joe loves red,” she said absently. He’d commented on her one, rather pedestrian red bra a number of times.
She checked the price tag and almost choked when she saw how much the pair would set her back.
“Get out of town,” she said, putting the underwear back on the rack. “No way am I paying so much for so little.”
“I’ll buy it for you. My Christmas present to both of you.” Her mother gave Hannah a cheeky wink.
Somehow, despite her objections, Hannah found herself being herded into the change room.
“We need to go to the men’s department next,” Hannah said as she started undressing. “I want to get Joe that cashmere sweater we saw last week. I should have bought it at the time.”
“I thought you were giving him the bike?” Her mother’s disembodied voice floated over the curtain.
“I am. But I want to get him a few other things, as well. He’ll be suspicious if there are no parcels for him under the tree.”
She was a little embarrassed about how much she was looking forward to Christmas Day. They were going to have a big sit-down dinner with her mother, Joe, the kids and his mother. Between them, she and her mom and Joe’s mom were going to cook the meal. It was going to be a real family day, her first Christmas with Joe.
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