by Maisey Yates
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
HE WAS IN a good place today. Both physically and mentally. Spiritually, Sammy would probably say. Not that he gave much thought to that kind of thing. But she made him consider it, because there was something to the connection the two of them had, and it was deeper than anything he could see. So maybe she was on to something after all.
It was his favorite kind of day. Out in the middle of the field, having just moved the cows from one pasture to another. The kind of day that reminded him why being a rancher might have chosen him, and it might not have been where he imagined his life going, but he was happy with it.
Yeah, maybe he would have gone to school. And he would’ve played football longer. His coach had been upset about his quitting. About his not going on to college to play. But by now he would be done with football anyway. He had worked this land since he was eighteen years old. Had cultivated this herd. The animals changing as the years rolled on, the landscape staying much the same, but there were slow changes that he could see. Changes that he had forged with his own hands, and changes that had been the result of nature pushing right back at him.
He loved those losses as much as he loved the victories.
Because in the end they were what reminded him that he was alive.
He heard the sound of a truck engine and turned around, shocked to see Sammy driving across the field toward him in his sister’s truck.
That was unusual. To say the least.
She parked and got out, all fluttering pale pink summer dress and wild blond hair. And he had the irresistible image of laying her down on the grass and stripping her naked underneath the sky.
Yeah. That was what he wanted. And bad.
He moved quickly, closing the space between them, but she stopped him with one look from wide blue eyes.
“I have something to tell you,” she said.
“What?”
He was immediately struck by terror. Because she looked afraid, and anything that scared Sammy struck him deep.
“I... I just took a pregnancy test.”
It was like the mountains all around the horizon had tipped in on themselves and crumbled. Like the world had gone concave, leaving only the place they were standing on. His boots were rooted to the ground, that same ground that he had worked all these years. That familiar, unchanging earth. And yet, it was all new now. Everything was. It would never be the same again.
“It must’ve happened that first time,” she said.
“I know when it would have happened,” he said.
They had used a condom every time since.
“I know I said I wasn’t going to...”
“Look, I wasn’t opposed to getting you pregnant,” he said, because there was nothing else to say. It was true. That first night he had fully intended for the sex they’d had to result in the pregnancy she was looking for, because the alternative was that she was going to go find it with another man. He had been happy enough that she had decided to put it off. But that chance had been there.
And he knew what had to happen next. As sure as he knew the sun would rise tomorrow and that he’d work this ranch like he’d done every day for the past seventeen years.
“We’re getting married,” he said.
Her face popped up, her hair swinging with the movement. “No,” she said. “No. We don’t have to do that. I mean... Why can’t we just live here? Live here in this place and... I don’t know. I can be in the camper. And you can be in the house and we can be together sometimes and...”
“Because it’s not enough,” he said.
“Why not?”
“That’s not how families work.”
“It is how families work. It’s how our family has been for the past seventeen years.”
He gritted his teeth. “We’re not family, Sammy.”
She jerked as though he slapped her. And he hated the look of pain that crossed her delicate face. “No. Of course not. I mean, not that way. I get it.”
“That isn’t what I meant. I just meant that we can be family. The way that my parents were family. That’s how it should work.”
“I’m not going to do something like that just because that’s how it should be.”
“Why the hell not?”
“Because believe me, marriage is not just the answer to everything. I lived in a house with a horrible dysfunctional marriage and will not raise a child in an environment where two people are stuck together.”
“Are you comparing us to your parents?”
“It’s just... Look, I know how bad it can get.”
“Are you scared of me?” he asked.
She looked horrified by the very thought. “No,” she said. “I’m not afraid of you. But I’m afraid of what that forever stuff does to people. I’m afraid of the misery that you’ll expect because you signed a piece of paper. Because you stood up and made vows in front of everybody and said that you would. And we are happy. We’re happy like we are.”
“We are not going to stay like we are. There’s going to be a baby. And that changes things. It changes things a hell of a lot, Samantha. We can’t undo it. We can’t undo what is.”
“But why not?” She blinked furiously, the terror rolling off her and turning into something else inside him. It was one thing when she was afraid of something and it wasn’t him. He wanted to fight that battle for her. He wanted to fight every battle for her. But he didn’t know what the hell to do when he seemed to be the battle. When she was looking at him and acting like his proposal of marriage was the worst thing that could possibly happen. “Why can’t we make a new reality? That’s what you did here. And all right, maybe you don’t consider me part of the family, but I’ve always considered myself part of it. I wanted to be here. So badly. Because I lived in that life that was supposed to be right. A mother and a father who were married. And I was miserable. Every day I had to apologize for being. And when I left there, when I came to you, I promised I wouldn’t do that anymore. And I haven’t. I got to grow up in the most amazing place in all the world because of you. Because you rescued me. And because you were all brave enough to make a family out of something else. To sew it together using leftover pieces, and I’ve always felt lucky enough to be one of those pieces.”
“But we are not left over,” he said, his voice rough. “You and me, we’re something real. We get to make a choice, Sammy. What we are, what we’re going to be. What we want to be. For our baby. Our baby.”
He had feared this moment. All of his life.
That he would get to this stage where he was finally free, and then he wouldn’t be. But the reality was if he didn’t have Sammy with him, he wasn’t all that free. If this child was out there in the world and he didn’t have access to him, he wasn’t all that free.
It was a new version of freedom, that was for sure.
But then, he never felt more himself than when he was in bed with Sammy, so being with her could never be a prison.
“I’m scared,” she said.
“Of me? I’m not your father,” he said, his voice rough.
“I know,” she said.
“No,” he said, “you need to understand. Not just know in your head. You need to feel it in your heart. I am the man who would destroy someone for touching you like that. And anyone who would come after our baby. I would destroy him, too. I will never hurt you. And I will never hurt our child.” He brought her close to him, put his hand on her stomach. And he felt a sense of awe wash over him.
Because they had created something between them. They had created a life, and he had experienced so much loss of life over the past thirty-five years. To have there be life, created new because of them...
“It’s a damned miracle, Samantha. That the two of us made something like this.”
She looked up at him, fear and tears in those blue eyes. “What if I’m
a terrible mother? And a terrible wife. What if what we have is broken by this?”
“We will never be broken,” he said. “Didn’t I promise you that?”
“Yes,” she said. “But that doesn’t mean I’m not afraid.”
He nodded slowly. “I understand. But can you trust me? Marry me. Move in to my house. Sleep in my bed. Be my family. Make a family with me.”
He had never seen things going this way with Sammy. Not for all those years. But there was no other option now. She was his. She was his and the baby was his. And that meant that it had to be this. Hell, that had been the case from the moment they had first kissed. Because the alternative was that they would go their separate ways, be with other people. Continue on the way they’d always done. Occasionally hooking up with strangers in bars, making sure that they ignored any heat between the two of them.
So it had to be everything. Because it could never be that.
It was suddenly all he wanted. Sammy as his bride. Walking toward him in white.
“Marry me,” he said again.
It wasn’t joy on her face, but it wasn’t fear. It was more a slow acceptance of what had to be. And that was it. There was no other route. She could see it, too.
“All right,” she said. “I’ll marry you.”
“We can have normal,” he said.
He took her into his arms and held her. He didn’t kiss her, even though he wanted to. He just held her there. “We can be normal,” he repeated again. And there was a strange sort of giddy feeling that washed through him, because he had never imagined that this moment would be for him. Getting married. Having a child. It was right there. He could taste it. And he wanted it. He found in that moment, he really did.
“Okay,” she said.
It wasn’t yes.
But after the lifetime they’d both had, he would damn well take okay.
CHAPTER NINETEEN
SOMEHOW, SHE WENT back to canning after that. When she walked into the room, Rose, Pansy and Iris all craned their necks. Iris and Pansy didn’t know yet. Rose hadn’t told them. She’d simply offered up the use of her truck, and Sammy had taken it.
And now she supposed was the time for the explanation. Especially when he had gone and proposed. Or made demands, as it were. But she couldn’t refuse him. And he had said...that they could be normal. Maybe nobody else would understand what that meant, but he did. And she did. A deep desire in her heart that warred in many ways with that fear of being trapped. But it meant they weren’t broken. And that was a miracle she hadn’t expected.
Of course, that meant explanations. It meant bringing other people into their secret thing. She didn’t like that. If only it could just be them. Their world. Their bubble. But then, she was back to the little fantasy she had spun out in the field. When she had asked him why they couldn’t just be without labels or papers or vows. But Ryder was a man of paperwork and vows. She knew that. And who he was mattered. What he wanted mattered.
“Well, I’m engaged now,” she said, making her way purposefully over to the canning things.
The reaction was deafening.
“I didn’t think that was the whole point of your...baby thing,” Iris said.
She sighed. “This is sort of separate from the baby thing. I mean, the initial endeavor. It’s just something that happened.” She looked at Rose, who was gazing at her with wide eyes. And she figured it was as good a time as any.
“So I’m marrying your brother.”
The response was, yet again, deafening, but this time there were expletives.
“Is he the father?” Pansy asked.
“Yes,” Sammy said.
Iris and Pansy were utterly agape. Rose was still.
“I don’t even know how to...approach that,” Iris said. “I thought that the two of you were...friends. But maybe that was a little bit naive of me. To assume that you weren’t...”
“We weren’t,” Sammy said. “I mean, not until the past couple of months.”
“I knew you were acting weird,” Iris said. “That night at the saloon I knew the two of you were being strange. And frankly, I knew you’ve been strange much of the time since.”
“Well. We were. And it wasn’t supposed to be this. But it is this. So we are... We care for each other. There’s no reason in the world we can’t make it work. And nothing much is really going to change. Except, I guess I’ll be your sister somewhat legally.”
It was Rose who closed the distance between them and wrapped her arms around Sammy. “You’re my sister already,” Rose said. “But I’m really glad that you’re going to be my sister-in-law. It just seems delightfully official.”
“Yes,” Sammy said. “It does seem official.”
“You don’t like official,” Pansy said.
“I don’t really. But Ryder does. And I like him. An awful lot.”
“Are you in love with him?” Pansy asked.
That word struck a strange sort of terror into the center of Sammy’s chest.
“If ever there were such a thing as soul mates, I think he’s mine. I think we knew each other before we met. I don’t know if that makes sense. I’m sure it doesn’t. We’re that. Whatever that is.”
“That’s nice,” Iris said, far too mildly.
“I don’t know,” Pansy said. “I think you should be in love with the person that you marry.”
“Just because that’s how things worked for you, Pansy, that doesn’t mean that’s how it works for everybody.”
“I know,” Pansy said. “But... Sammy, you’re wonderful and you deserve everything.”
Sammy brushed the feelings off her that settled like an uncomfortable cloak. “Anyway...there can’t be anyone else. Honestly, there never could be. He’s...” They were all looking at her, sadly, meaningfully. And so she twisted her lips into a strange sort of impish smile. “He’s a damn genius in bed.”
“No!”
Pansy threw her hands up and doubled over like she was retching, and Iris put her palm on her forehead.
“He’s ruined me for other men,” Sammy said, nodding gravely to underscore the point.
That was true. More than true.
“Well, I’m very happy for you,” Pansy said, making a mock retching sound again.
“We’ll be fine,” Sammy said. “Nothing is going to change, really. I mean, nothing has changed. Yes, there’s a new...dimension to our relationship.”
“I don’t want to hear about my brother’s dimensions,” Rose said.
“Oh. Big, just so you know. But also, we care for each other. We care deeply. And that is very important. And that’s what’s going to see us through all the changes in life. Anyway, I can’t imagine anything better than being here with all of you, and you being my baby’s aunts.”
That did seem to make everyone happy, and make them forgive her for what she had said about dimensions.
And it gave her the confidence to hope that whatever happened from here would be all right. It had to be. There really wasn’t another option.
CHAPTER TWENTY
EVERYTHING WAS FINE until the vomiting started. And once it started, it was pretty intense. And lasted from the very early hours of the morning, where it woke her from a deep sleep, and Ryder, as well, and carried her through until lunchtime.
It was awful. Truly awful.
And enough to make it so that planning the wedding felt more or less impossible.
Anyway, she felt kind of guilty about the fact that they were going to end up getting married before Pansy and West. They had gotten engaged first after all. But they were having a shotgun wedding.
Of course, she wasn’t sure she was going to make it down the aisle in her present condition.
That, though, was its own gift. This illness. Because she felt horrible. And all of this wasn’t going according to any plan at
all.
And she still knew.
That she would protect her child with all of herself.
When it woke her from her sleep that morning at 3 a.m. she wanted to cry. She reached for the sleeve of saltines that she kept beside the bed and chewed on one, feebly, hoping that it would do something to counteract the horrible, cramping nausea.
It didn’t. She rolled out of bed and ran into the bathroom, just making it to the toilet before she lost the meager dinner she had managed to consume the night before.
She rested her head against the cool porcelain, sweat beading on her brow, tears streaming down her cheeks. She knew that she wasn’t going to be able to move, not for a while. It always held her captive for quite a bit of time.
She felt miserable. And small. And a whole lot like the vulnerable girl she had never been allowed to be while growing up.
Had she ever been like this? Had she ever just sat down and cried?
There had never been the choice.
She had been around her father, who would use that weakness against her, and her mother, who hadn’t really cared. Not as much as she said.
She scrubbed her arm over her eyes, feeling completely beset by her misery now.
Ryder was right. Her mother had never really cared that much. Not about her. She had used her as an excuse.
Suddenly, she felt strong hands on her shoulders, felt the warmth of a solid body behind her.
“Can I get you anything?”
She shook her head miserably. “No. My body hates me.”
And with the way she felt, it was difficult for them to have much in the way of a sexual relationship at the moment, so she felt disconnected and useless. Less like a sacred vessel of life and more like one of agony.
A wife he would be sorry to have before he ever had her.
He pulled her back against him, cradling her in his arms, and she went limp, resting there.
He was where she had always been able to be vulnerable. He had always been strong for her.