by Maisey Yates
“That’s your father you’re talking about,” her mother said.
“Yes. It is. And I know that I’ll protect my child in a way you didn’t protect me. I had to leave, Mom. I had to leave to protect myself because you wouldn’t. Ryder had to step in to protect me because you wouldn’t. And now he wants... He wants to love me. And I’m scared. Because I’m afraid that somehow I’m not worth it, and that comes from you. And I swear to God, Mom, I will never let my child feel that way. Ever.”
“You always were above yourself, Sammy. Some people have to live hard. It’s not their fault one way or the other.”
She looked at her mother, and she saw that she really believed that. That her mom believed that this was some kind of hand of fate, and that they couldn’t have escaped it even if they’d wanted to.
And Sammy realized that by surrendering to the pain in her life she was living that way, too.
That because she had been born into something hard, she was letting herself have half. Have less.
And it was easy, she realized. Easier than asking for more.
Her mother wasn’t under her father’s thumb, not anymore. But it was still fear that ran her life. And suddenly, it all became clear.
“At some point, it is your fault,” Sammy said. “It wasn’t your fault he abused you. But what about your life now? At some point, if you don’t make the choice to demand more, to demand better, if you don’t stop hiding, it is your fault. This is my fault. It’s my fault, this thing with Ryder. He loves me. And I’ve been too afraid to open myself up and let him, because Dad made me so terrified to ask for it. To think that I could want it. And you... You’ve never done a damn thing to make me feel like I deserved it.”
“Why should you deserve it?” her mom asked. “Why should you deserve it when I didn’t?”
Sammy’s heart twisted. She felt a certain amount of sympathy for the woman standing in front of her. The woman who looked so much like her. With curly blond hair and bright blue eyes. But she was defeated. And this was what happened when you didn’t let love into your life. This was the future she had to look forward to. A baby wouldn’t save her from it.
A positive attitude and the best of intentions wouldn’t save her from it.
If she let her issues become bigger than hope, then this was what waited for her.
She had seen a glimpse of it a couple months ago when she had decided that she wanted to change rather than stay in the past. But she had decided to do physical things to make that change. And she had ignored the very real spiritual healing that needed to happen inside her.
Because that was the hardest part.
Not changing your circumstances. Changing yourself.
Putting away the things that you had always believed. Digging deep into your wounds, rubbing antiseptic into them so they could be cleansed, even though it was going to hurt.
“We can’t have a relationship,” Sammy said. “Not like this. Not while you’re intent on dragging me back into all that. Blaming me. Accusing me of things. And I’m tired of hoping for one. I’m going to be a better mother.”
“Is that what you came here for?” her mom said. “To insult me?”
She shook her head. “No. I came here because I knew there would be answers. I sort of hoped it might be answers that would fix us. But I can’t fix you. I can only fix me.”
She turned around and started to walk away. “There you go,” her mom said. “Running away again.”
Sammy stopped. “I am,” Sammy said. “I’m running away from all this useless wreckage. And I’m running to where I always should have been.”
When Sammy got back up to her camper, the sun was just sinking behind the mountains, casting a rosy glow on everything around her. She needed to think for a while, needed to sit with the changes that had reshaped the landscape of her soul after that conversation with her mother.
And she let herself feel it, all of it. Without that protective layer she’d built up to cover her pain over the years.
That protection she’d been so desperate to protect.
That protection that would do nothing but turn her into a hard, bitter soul who could never be more than an abused and neglected daughter.
Who would never be able to be the best mother she could be.
The best wife.
The best person.
No, that protection didn’t really keep her safe. It kept her separate.
It kept her from being whole.
And she let it go now. All of it.
She missed Ryder. She missed having bacon with him. She missed her bowl of fruit.
She missed every single thing about him. Leaving him had been like chopping off an arm.
She hadn’t realized quite how much she relied on him to function in all ways until she didn’t have him around. So here she was, functioning without him.
She had told herself she maybe needed to do that.
For him.
But that was a lie.
She was forced to examine herself, now that she was spending so much time alone. So much time in the quiet. There was nothing shocking she could say to distract herself from what was going on. She simply had to sit in it. And that was uncomfortable.
Deeply so.
She had been thinking a lot about how their relationship had begun. How she had come to him. Baited him until he had become her friend. Offered him sugar in exchange for sanctuary.
And he had given it.
She had offered up pieces of herself. But never the whole thing. Because there was a reason that she had slipped into bed with him all those nights. Because she had wanted his comfort, had wanted the warmth of his body. Had wanted to be near him.
But she had been afraid of real intimacy with him.
She had gotten sexual attention from other men. Any man but him.
Because the cost of intimacy with Ryder was always going to be high. And it was always going to be one that she would find it difficult to pay. In the rosy evening light, she stood up. Then she took her shirt off. Her skirt. Her underwear. And she stood there, completely naked, letting the sun warm her skin. She closed her eyes, a tear tracking down her cheek.
She loved him.
With all that she was.
But she was afraid that she wasn’t enough. That if he knew that she was just a trembling girl in her heart, not an outrageous, brave free spirit, he wouldn’t really want her.
That he would resent her.
And it wasn’t even so much that she was generous and wanting him to be happy, so much that she just... She never wanted to be the reason he was unhappy with his life. And she had been that. For both of her parents.
She felt small and selfish and miserable, but she spread her arms wide and tilted her head up toward the sky, open and vulnerable and trying to will herself to simply be in it.
To love him. To love him and to know that there would be no guarantee it would never end. To love him and know that she couldn’t guarantee his happiness forever.
To know that she couldn’t guarantee her own bravery, that she might run scared sometimes and need to be held in his strong arms.
That sometimes she might need him, and other times he might need her.
That they were both going to have to learn what love looks like together, if he would still have her. After all this.
Her heart was bruised, and she didn’t know quite where to begin.
But she supposed it would have to start with bravery. And no sugar cubes this time. Just her. But then she heard footsteps off to the side, and she looked over and saw him. For a moment she thought she might be hallucinating. Because it was Ryder just like she always fantasized about him.
Black T-shirt, black cowboy hat and snug-fitting jeans. He looked disreputable with his dark whiskers covering his jaw, and it was sort of wonderful becau
se there was nothing disreputable about Ryder Daniels. Except...he could be, with her. Could be rough and tender all at once. Shocking and sexy and steady and faithful.
He was everything that she wanted, everything that she needed, all contained in one man, and the realization was scary as hell.
“It would figure, Samantha, that I would come searching for you and find you standing naked in the middle of the woods.”
“How exactly did you find me?” She fought the urge to cover up. To hide. Not because she was naked, but because she was vulnerable.
Honest.
Because she was staring her fears down instead of pretending she had none and it made her raw.
But he was the one for those fears.
He was the one.
“Because it’s your place. Where you used to come and watch us when you were afraid of joining us, even though you wanted to. I figured that was where you had gone off to. And I also figured that if I was right... That if I was right I might have a chance.”
“You came for me,” she said.
“I know you wanted your space.”
Tears began to flow freely down her cheeks. “I need you to know that I was coming back to you.”
“And I need you to know that I wasn’t just going to let this happen. There are things in my life that have happened that were bad. And I didn’t have any control over them. Not one bit. But this... This I do. And I just felt like while there was some breath left in my body I needed to come and tell you again that I’d be here. And that I needed you to know it was a choice I made. This life is a choice I made. No, I didn’t choose to lose my parents. But I did choose to stay. I chose to stay at Hope Springs because there was always something there for me. My family. And you. Maybe I did stay because of you. But it wasn’t because I’m a martyr. Yeah, I have been one. It’s true. But not in the having of you. In the wanting you and not taking you, yeah. But this is not me being a martyr, Samantha Marshall. This is me being a man. I love you. I love you the way a man should love a woman. I want to lay my hands on you only to cause you pleasure and never to cause you pain. I want to protect you and never cause you harm. I want to be your husband and the father of your children. That’s what I’m here for.”
Every defense inside her crumbled, and the ones that didn’t go on their own she knocked all the way down. Because she was ready. Ready for this. Ready for him. Ready for whatever might come next.
“I... I’m a coward. I wanted to pretend that it was about you, but it was all about me.” She took a shuddering breath. “I just came back from seeing my mom.”
His body went stiff, and she could see he was ready to fight. To protect. “And?”
“I don’t want to be her. I didn’t think I could be, because I saw us as being so different. She stayed. I left. She is still in that house, still outwardly clinging to all that same pain, and I’m here. I have my jewelry. I thought... I’ll have a baby and I’ll change my life. But I’m still living there, too. In my heart, I still was.”
“It’s hard to move on from hurt like that,” Ryder said, his voice rough. “I know how it is.”
“I am so afraid of loving bigger than myself. In a way that I can’t control. But I do. With you. It’s so all-consuming and huge. And it has been all this time. And I could never let you be my everything, Ryder, because I was sure that that would destroy me. But it won’t because of you. That was what I was missing. That I needed to trust you. Trust us. I asked for love once and it was like looking into a black abyss. But you offered it to me without me ever having to ask. And more important, you’ve shown me what love looks like all these years. I was just afraid to call it what it was.”
She took a sharp, jagged breath that cut her open, and she bled her heart out before him. Let it flow like a river. “I was afraid of giving myself over to something. But freedom...real freedom is this. Not letting the past decide how loud we get to live and how big we get to love. Real freedom is living, and not just hiding. And that’s what I want. Not just life, but this life.”
“Did I catch you communing with nature?” he asked, his grin lopsided.
“I was being vulnerable,” she said, taking a step toward him.
“I got you.” He wrapped his arms around her and pulled her against his chest, and she felt enveloped by his strength. Free to be as soft as she needed to be because of him. Because he was the kind of man whose hands were there to hold her. To cradle their baby. Whose muscles would only ever be used to protect. And never to harm.
“I’m sorry,” she whispered.
“I wanted you to know,” he said. “I got a coaching job.”
She tilted her head up and looked at him. “You did?”
“Yes. And it’s because of you. All the things we went through to get to this moment. Painful or not. So I don’t need you to apologize to me. We both had some work to do. Because you were right. There were things I needed to address. I am happy. I want you to know that. I’ve spent years being happy because of the family we’ve had here. And you are part of that. Not shoved in here stitched in sloppy, not an afterthought, but a key thread that holds us together. That held me together. I told you. You’ve been my light. My warmth. Don’t ever underestimate the power of that. Cold kills you. Darkness makes you insane. The sun is the source of life. You protected me all this time. Don’t think you didn’t. Don’t make the mistake of believing that I somehow was the one protecting you.”
“I guess we were just what each other needed,” she said softly. “I needed to hide in your shadow, and you needed some light.”
“I like that,” he said.
“I love you,” she whispered. “I have loved you all this time.”
“Me, too. It was just part of breathing. And you know you never think about breathing, until you do. And then you become unbearably conscious of it. And that was what happened with me. I realized suddenly how much I love you. It was hard for me, because I was looking for it all to be like my parents’ marriage. Which from the outside seemed like something that... I don’t even know if it was that. Because you can’t know. You can’t know what goes on between two people in love, not really. But I had this idea in my head, and I didn’t think that the crazy, dark feelings I had for you could possibly be that.”
“Crazy?” She lifted her brows. “Dark?”
“Yes,” he said, his expression turning feral, and she loved it. “The exact kind of feelings that you avoided. The exact kind of man you avoided.”
“Tell me more.”
“Possessive. Obsessive. I had this feeling... This... You’re mine, you know? I felt that way from the time we were kids. That you belonged to me.”
She leaned forward and bit him on the chin. “Then you belong to me. And you know, I only dated men who were nothing like you because I couldn’t have you. I wouldn’t let myself. And dating an approximation of you would have only been sadder, and more obvious in what I was attempting.”
“Really?” He looked smug and satisfied at that.
“Really.”
They just held each other in silence for a moment, before she spoke again.
“I’m scared,” she said. “A lot. Just in general. And I’ve been running. I’ve been running from that fact. From me, for so long. Looking at my mother scared me, because it was like looking into a future version of myself, but I didn’t see that. So I decided to have a baby to make a change, all without changing myself. Making big changes on the outside is so much easier than changing your heart.”
“Sure.” His voice had gotten scratchy. Husky.
“But this was the journey that I needed to go on. This one. Right here. Where I had to get right down to my own heart and quit standing in my own way. And admit that what I was looking for was right in front of me all along. But I was going to have to be vulnerable, be real to have it. So this is me. I’m scared sometimes, and I act the way that
I do to keep people at a distance. But you know me better than anyone else. And I want you to keep knowing me. Keep being with me, even when I’m a mess. Please. Please love me through all of that, Ryder.”
“I promise,” he said. “And I am a stubborn, taciturn old man in partial retirement. I’m set in my ways. And I’m going to be a pain in the ass about water birth. Do you think you can accept me, knowing that’s it? That this is me?”
“Yes.” She rose up on her toes to kiss him. “It’s not that I didn’t know how to love you,” she whispered against his mouth, “it’s that I didn’t know how to accept you loving me.”
“And you can now?”
She nodded. “Yes. Because not accepting love when you have it is the real tragedy in this life. I’ve felt it for myself, sitting up here, weeping. I won’t do that. I won’t waste love. Not love like this, not our love. Not after all the love we’ve missed.”
The breeze whipped up, skimmed over her bare skin, and she shivered.
“Time for us to go inside,” he said.
“That sounds like a very good idea.”
He carried her inside, and this time when he made love to her, she kept her eyes open. Kept them on him. So that he could see how much she trusted him. What was in her heart.
All the love that she had for him burning bright and brilliant in her soul.
Ryder Daniels had always been her rock. Her safe space. Her protector.
He had always been the love of her life.
All she’d had to do was become brave enough to recognize it. Because of his strength, she was. And she knew that it would be like this for the rest of their lives. That he would be the rock and she would be the sunshine for their child and for each other. And that they would be a family.