‘What about?’
‘About everything. Dirk, Grandfather, Rudi. And me. Most of all me. He knows so little about me and I can’t tell him the whole truth.’
‘Why not?’
‘Because I know that if I did he would never feel the same about me again. I would lose him.’
‘How can you be so sure of that?’
‘Dirk thinks so, and so do I. He might say that he understood and perhaps he would really believe that he did, but, deep down, it would change everything. He is so very correct, you see. So very English.’
Nico called and she let him in reluctantly. In the living room she did not invite him to sit down and remained standing herself, at a distance. He took his hat off and laid it on the table and then his gloves beside it. Michael always did the same, but his hat was not made of expensive fur and his gloves were dark and plain, not yellow pigskin. ‘Is Dirk in?’
‘No.’
‘Is he all right?’
No, he’s not all right, she wanted to say. He’s all wrong. ‘Why do you ask?’
‘I’m rather worried about him, you see. He’s been drinking too much vodka, Lili. I see him sometimes in the bars. And when he’s drunk, he talks too much. It’s always dangerous. People listen.’
She said, alarmed, ‘What does he say?’
‘Oh, he rambles on, like drunks do. Not too keen on the Russians, is he? I can understand that, but it’s wiser to keep one’s mouth tightly shut.’
She wondered if Dirk had rambled on about her and how much Nico himself had listened.
He went on, ‘He’s still doing his little deals, of course. Some not so little.’
‘He doesn’t tell me what he does.’
‘Well, he should be careful these days. Pass that on from me. The east sector police are very vigilant. And quite unpleasant. Did you hear what happened to Michael on Christmas Eve? Poor chap, they locked him up in a cell. They thought he was a black-marketeer. Michael, of all people! The most upright and honest chap I know. Ridiculous! Fortunately, they discovered that he had my business card in his wallet and I was able to vouch for him.’
‘I’m sure he was grateful.’
‘I happened to know the Russian in charge there rather well, otherwise things might have been a bit tricky. I’ve warned Michael not to go wandering about this sector at night any more.’ He smiled his toad’s smile at her. ‘Of course, I can see the attraction right in front of me, and I don’t blame him, but it can be very dangerous.’
‘I expect he realizes it now.’
‘No, I don’t think he does. He doesn’t quite understand that Berlin is not like London, or like any other city in the world. That nobody is safe – not even an officer in the Royal Air Force.’
She said, ‘If that’s all, Nico . . .’
‘Don’t worry, I’m going now. But you’ll warn Dirk to be more careful, won’t you?’ He picked up his hat and gloves. ‘And Michael, too.’
He could tell from the way her face lit up that she was awfully glad to see him, and that gave him hope. She looked so pale, he thought. So small and thin and fragile and dressed in such pathetically worn and shabby clothes. In the living room there was yet another hole in the ceiling with a tin bucket placed strategically beneath it. ‘The hole is too big to fill with newspaper,’ she told him, ‘but the bowl will catch the leaks.’
The whole room looked worse than ever – even more squalid and depressing. Harrison faced her grimly. ‘You can’t go on living here, Lili. It’s simply not on.’
‘Not on? What does that mean?’
‘It means I won’t let you.’ He went over to her and put his hands on her shoulders. ‘You asked for time to think and I’ve given it to you. Weeks of time. Now, I want an answer.’ She turned her head away and he turned it back firmly. ‘Look, Lili. It’s very simple. I love you and I want you to be my wife. I swear that I’ll do everything in my power to make you happy.’
‘But would I make you happy?’
‘You can’t imagine how much.’
‘In spite of everything?’
‘Because of everything. Every single thing about you. There’s nothing that I’d want to change. Nothing. Do you understand?’ She nodded and he waited a moment and then went on. ‘So, will you, or won’t you?’ He shook her gently, ‘Answer me, Lili. And the answer had better be yes.’
People who said that the English were cold and unfeeling had got it all wrong. When he had finally let her go, he had made her sit down at the table and held her hands in his and told her that he would make all the arrangements for them to be married as soon as possible. While he had talked she had watched his face and seen how happy he was, how the stern look had vanished completely, how tender the expression was in his eyes. ‘I’ve never thought to ask before,’ he’d said, ‘but what religion are you?’
‘We were brought up as Roman Catholics,’ she’d told him. ‘But it’s years since I have attended Mass. There’s been nowhere to go.’
‘I’m Church of England, I’m afraid. But I don’t see that mattering, do you? We’re both Christian, we just belong to different clubs. We could have a civil wedding – unless you don’t like the idea?’
‘I don’t mind.’
‘Nor do I. Simpler to arrange and no fuss.’
‘I have nothing to wear.’
He’d laughed at that. ‘It doesn’t matter a damn what you wear, Lili. Not to me. You could wear an old sack for all I’d care. But, if you like, we’ll try and find you something special. There must be some pretty frocks somewhere in Berlin. And pretty hats.’
‘The hats are here. My mother’s – in the trunk over there.’ She’d opened it and shown him the beautiful treasure store and tried several on for him to approve, until he had chosen the one he’d liked best. And then he’d begun to kiss her again.
‘Where will we live?’ she’d asked when she could speak.
‘Well, I’ll try to wangle a bit of leave for a honeymoon and take you to England. We’ll go somewhere you’re bound to like – Cornwall, probably. I know a terrific place where we used to go on holidays when I was a child – a fishing village on the south coast. And there’s a nice old inn there where we could stay. There’d be plenty of good fish to eat and Cornish butter and cream – we’d fatten you up in no time.’
‘Like a pig?’
He’d smiled and stroked her hair. ‘No, nothing like a pig. Just making you fit and strong again. You’ll love it in Cornwall. The scenery’s beautiful and the sea air’s wonderful. We can go for long walks . . . you do like walking, don’t you?’
‘I’ve never really done that – except for walking in the Tiergarten.’
‘I bet you’ll enjoy it. It’ll be spring by the time we get there and so the weather should be warming up and all the flowers coming out.’
‘Primroses? Like on the teacups?’
‘Yes, primroses. Lots and lots of them.’
‘I should like to see them. They look so beautiful.’
‘They are. They grow all along the country lanes and paths. We have a rather nice saying in English – the primrose path. It means the easy, pleasant way. Doing only things that make you happy, that you enjoy.’
‘It sounds so wonderful. But I can’t imagine that any more.’
He’d kissed her hands. ‘I’ll find a primrose path for you, Lili, I promise.’
She’d said to him, half-serious, half-teasing: ‘For you it should be easy. You were a pathfinder in the war – isn’t that so? That’s what you were called.’
‘How did you know?’
‘Nico told me. He said you were amazingly brave and devoted to duty – those were his words. I remember very well.’ She’d sighed. ‘And so, when we have been to England and seen the beautiful primroses, you must come back to Berlin? It will be your duty?’
‘I’m afraid so. Until I get another posting.’
‘What would I do?’
‘Well, I’ll try to find a place for us near Gatow, off-stati
on, if it’s possible – somewhere with enough room for Dirk as well. And for Rudi and your grandfather when they come back. When the time comes for us to go to England, I’ll arrange for Rudi to go to a good school there and for your grandfather to go into a nursing home close by so you can visit him every day.’
‘And Dirk?’
‘Don’t worry, I’ll talk to Dirk and sort out what’s best for him. What he wants to do. I’ll make sure that he’s all right.’
All at once, it had seemed quite simple; she had been agonizing over nothing. Everything was going to be fine. Then he’d asked suddenly about the scar on her forehead – touched it and asked how she’d got it. When the bomb had hit the house, she’d blurted out in panic. It had happened then. He had asked no more questions and so she had had no need to tell any more lies.
He’d frowned and clicked his tongue. ‘I’ve forgotten something. A ring. You must have an engagement ring, but God knows where we’ll find one.’
Here, under Dirk’s bed, she’d thought to herself wryly. ‘It doesn’t matter. I don’t need a ring.’
‘Yes, you do.’ He’d tugged at the gold signet ring on his little finger. ‘This will have to do until I can buy you a proper one in London.’ It was too big for her fourth finger and so he’d slid it on to the middle one of her left hand and then kissed each finger in turn. And then her mouth for even longer. They might have ended up on the couch if he hadn’t finally stopped and smiled and said he’d better leave before anything like that happened. With him, it would have been so different. But perhaps, then, he would have guessed the truth about her? What would she say if he ever asked, straight out? Would she be able to lie to him as easily as she had lied about the scar?
She looked at the ring now, holding her hand up in front of her to see it gleam in the dim electric light. It felt heavy on her finger. There was an engraving of a swan with wings half outstretched. His family crest, he’d told her when she’d asked about it. His parents had given it to him when he’d come of age. It had belonged to his grandfather once. What would this so-respectable and respected family think of her?
Dirk came home much later, after she had gone to bed. She heard him blunder into the room and knew that he was drunk again.
Fifteen
‘You’re looking like the cat that’s got the cream,’ Tubby told him. ‘Let me guess what that means. Wedding bells? Your little fräulein has said yes.’
‘Right first time.’
‘Well, I’ve never seen you so joyful, Michael. You’re positively glowing, so it must be a good thing after all. Congratulations. When is the happy day to be?’
‘As soon as I can cut through all the usual red tape and get things set up.’
‘Am I invited to the ceremony?’
‘More than that, I want you to be my best man – if you don’t mind.’
‘Mind? I’d be delighted. Forget all my gloomy prognostications, I shall be right beside you. May I kiss the bride at the appropriate moment?’
‘Certainly. Tell me, Tubby, have you any idea where the hell I could find a women’s dress shop in Berlin? Does such a thing still exist?’
‘It’s not my habit to shop for women’s clothes, dear boy. I suggest you go in search of a WAAF and ask her if she’s got any ideas.’
After a good deal of WAAF-hunting he found a radar operator who was almost as petite as Lili and put the problem to her. She blushed scarlet, as if he had made an improper suggestion, but told him that though she didn’t know of any dress shops, one of the German civilian cleaners was very good at sewing and made frocks to measure from black-market material for the price of a tin of coffee or a packet of cigarettes. After more persuasion and more blushing, she agreed to arrange a meeting with the German seamstress and to act as a model. It pleased him very much to think of surprising Lili with a brand new and beautiful frock to wear at their wedding – something that would go well with the bewitching hat she had fetched out of the trunk.
In the middle of these plans and preparations, the station commander sent for him.
‘Sorry to be the bearer of bad tidings, Michael, but we’ve just received a signal. I’m afraid your father has suffered a stroke and been taken to hospital.’
It took a moment to sink in. ‘Is it serious, sir?’
‘Serious enough for you to go home at once. I’m giving you compassionate leave, of course. Get back to England on the first flight out that can take you.’
He flung some things into a case and sat down and wrote a note to Lili before he went in search of Tubby. He ran him down at his desk and told him the news.
‘Frightfully sorry, dear boy. How ghastly for you. Anything I can do?’
‘As a matter of fact, there is.’ He held out the envelope. ‘Could you take this to Lili? I’ve put the address on it. I can’t get in touch with her any other way. There’s no time to get over there and they’ve no phone and God knows how long it would take by post, or if it would ever reach her. Would you do that, Tubby?’
‘Of course, old chap. Glad to. I’m just wondering if I’ll ever be able to find it. Not too sure of my Berlin bearings except for the landmarks and the Officers’ Club.’
‘Get one of the VW cabs to take you. They’ll find it.’
‘Consider it done. I’ll pop over the first chance I have.’
He got a seat on an Avro York flying to Bückeburg. It was carrying five other passengers besides himself and crates of light bulbs bearing the proud stamp Made in Blockaded Berlin. They took off to the west with another York aircraft airborne immediately ahead and the one following already starting its take-off run: the never-ending cavalcade down the central air corridor out of Berlin.
‘Fräulein Leicht?’
He looked familiar to her: a short, plump man in Royal Air Force uniform with the same sort of cap as Michael’s, the same markings on the shoulders of his greatcoat and the same rows of polished gilt buttons. He had a moustache, though – big and bushy – and he was much older. She opened the front door a little further. ‘Yes?’
‘I’m Squadron Leader Hill. We met at the performance of Measure for Measure last summer.’
‘Of course, I remember now.’ What could he be doing here? ‘Would you like to come in?’
‘Only for a moment. I have a taxi waiting for me out in the street.’
He removed his cap and followed her into the big room. She saw how shocked he was at the sight of it, though he quickly recovered. He groped in his coat pocket and held out an envelope. ‘Michael asked me to come and give this to you. He’s been called away suddenly and there was no time to do so himself.’
She took it from him fearfully. ‘What has happened?’
‘His father has had a stroke, I’m afraid.’
‘A stroke? Please, what is this?’
He frowned. ‘Awfully sorry, but I don’t know the German word for it. It happens suddenly . . . blood clot in the brain, I think. Loss of speech, movement, all that sort of thing . . . People can recover perfectly well, of course, if it’s not too serious.’
She understood what he meant. ‘And is this stroke serious?’
‘I rather think so, or Michael wouldn’t have been sent for. He’ll have told you all about it in the letter, I’m sure.’
‘Do you have any idea when he will be coming back?’
‘Not the foggiest, I’m afraid.’ He moved towards the door. ‘Well, I ought to be getting back.’
‘Thank you for bringing the letter.’
‘Glad to be of help.’
At the front door she said, ‘Do you mind if I ask you something, Squadron Leader Hill?’
‘Fire away.’
‘Did Michael tell you that he has asked me to marry him . . . and that I have accepted?’
‘Rather. Congratulations. I ought to have said so in the beginning.’
‘But you didn’t,’ she pointed out. ‘You didn’t say anything about it at all. You don’t think it is a good idea, do you? You think it is a very bad i
dea – for Michael.’
He looked her straight in the eye. ‘To be perfectly honest, my dear, no, I don’t think it’s at all a good idea. It’s not your fault, but I don’t think marrying you will help Michael’s career or bring him happiness. But it’s none of my business, and perhaps I’m quite mistaken. He doesn’t often get things wrong. One thing I can tell you for sure is he’s a jolly decent chap. The best. And he’ll make a damn good husband.’ He held out his hand. ‘Goodbye Fräulein Leicht. I wish you well.’
She watched him stride away across the cobbled courtyard – a portly, straight-backed and dignified figure.
From Bückeburg, Harrison boarded a Dakota that took him on to Northolt aerodrome. He picked up a taxi into London, collected his car from its garage and drove straight down to the hospital at Reigate. His father was in Intensive Care and still unconscious, his mother sitting at his side. When he came into the room she got to her feet and collapsed into his arms, weeping. It was a while before she managed to get herself under control. She wiped her eyes with his handkerchief.
‘I’m, sorry, darling. It’s all been so awful . . . It happened so suddenly. We were having dinner and one moment he was perfectly all right – talking about you as a matter of fact – and the next minute he just keeled over. It was such a terrible shock. I thought he was dead, at first – a heart attack, or something – and then I could hear him breathing – that awful noise, like now.’
He sat her down again gently and went to the other side of the bed. His father lay very still with his eyes closed. Every breath he drew had a harsh rasping sound, as though each one was a great effort. The man who had always been so vigorously in command of himself and others, all at once reduced to helplessness. ‘Has he regained consciousness at all?’
His mother shook her head. ‘No. They don’t seem to be sure if he ever will.’
‘Have you spoken to the doctor in charge?’
‘Only for a moment. He just said that they’re doing everything they can. The nurses have been wonderful and very kind. Would you like a cup of tea, or something? They’ll get you one.’
The Pathfinder Page 24