by Sue Watson
“You like, Tanya Travis?” Ardash said, biting into his dumpling after dipping it into the bright red, garlicky sauce.
I smiled at him, my heart lifting. “Yes” I said. “I like.”
The Kathmandu night was thick with the heavy smell of diesel, it filled my nostrils: I tasted metal on my tongue as we started down the main streets teeming with people and traffic and panic. Then suddenly, no lights or bustle just a blanket of quiet darkness around us, as Ardash guided me down a labyrinthine lane shimmering in splashes of moonlight, dogs barking in the distance. Then we turned a corner and were back in brightly-lit streets, the air sweet and smoky with aromas of incense and hot, buttery ghee. Sleepy goats staggered along, too slow for the coloured rickshaws that whipped past them through the streets selling everything from pastries to pashminas. For a few moments, I was enchanted, until we came upon the city’s lost children, reaching out from pavements, crying in the streets, dirty, unloved and vulnerable to everything and everyone. I felt torn between wonder and horror – that’s what life is like in Nepal.
Ardash checked his watch. “We go back to join Tiffany now. She will meet us outside the orphanage. Come.” And we walked back to where our tour had started.
Seconds later, a taxi screeched to a halt on the kerb and Tiff leaned out; “Get in Tanya, you passed the trial. I’m taking you for your reward!”
“I feel like I’m in Narnia,” I said, waving to Ardash and stumbling into my chariot.
The taxi came to a halt outside The Radisson, Kathmandu. I could hardly believe the contrast. Within minutes I was whisked from the glossy, palm-lined atrium to the Spa where I enjoyed a relaxing sauna. After all the hard work and heartache of the day it was good to just switch off for an hour – but my mind was whirring. The sauna was followed by a deep, penetrating massage and an all-over body-conditioning rub. After all this, I felt so different and wafted from the Spa to my bedroom on angel’s wings. At my insistence (coupled with my threats to ‘walk off the show’), Tiff supplied me with a large pack of Sanihand and I wiped whilst I gazed at the wonderfully big bed, clad in beautiful cotton sheets. I’d dreamed of a real bed every night in the mountains and it was so good to be back where I belonged; in luxury, sanity, hot water and fresh, high-count cotton. The mountains were lovely and the sunsets spectacular but the lack of scented candles and hairdryers at base camp was just appalling. The only thing that was denied to me, apparently, was the TV – there was no remote and the plug was missing. I guessed the producers hadn’t wanted to risk me catching up on the outside world.
The phone rang; it was Tiffany.
“Hi Tanya, as a special treat you can order anything you want from Room Service! She announced brightly. “Unless you would rather eat in the restaurant?”
“No thanks, Room Service would be wonderful” I said, marvelling to myself at how two words could sound so utterly beautiful.
“OK, I will send the cameraman up to film you when it arrives, then we will leave you in peace my lovely!” she said.
I went into the bathroom and sitting by the bath was a gift basket containing a Crème De La Mer ‘Return to Youth’ travel set. I held my breath as I picked up the card; could it be from Nathan?
Darling, I am so proud! Such fabulous ratings, my little Drama Queen. Use some of this – you look like you need it, crows’ feet all over the screen, HD is a bitch! See you back in Blighty xxxx
Great, a gift from Donna. I was hoping that the treat at the end of an arduous, traumatic day might have been a gift from the man I loved – but the production crew thoughtfully arranged for me to receive something from my loud-mouthed agent instead. I sighed and turned on the shower. Standing under the burning hot spray, I rubbed and scrubbed and boiled my skin until it felt better – not great – just better.
Climbing out, I dabbed my face with the towel and reached for the Crème De La Mer, warming it in my palms as directed. This apparently activated the ‘Miracle Broth’ and released its youth-replenishing elixir. I patted it onto my skin, waiting for the hit. At home I’d used this cream regularly for years and it never failed to make me feel fabulous in front of the cameras. I continued to gently pat the deliciously floral-scented cream all over my face, breathing in for the pleasure rush. I took in deep, flowery lungfuls while sweeping the ‘Regenerating Serum’ with its ultra-light elixir gently over my face and neck. I stood in front of the mirror in the shiny hotel bathroom waiting for the face-cream moment, the thrill of the ‘beauty-product orgasm,’ but after almost three minutes, nothing had happened and I was left un-sated. I slapped more on, then more, I patted harder and softer but it didn’t matter how many applications I made or how I applied them, the skinny kids from the orphanage and the streets with their beautiful, grubby faces and tiny outstretched hands made me feel ashamed. I put the two containers back into their lovely, pale-green silk bag and wrapping my towel around me, wandered back into the bedroom and picked up the Room Service menu. There was a knock on the door and the cameraman came in, along with Tiff, to film me choosing my dinner. After I had picked a light salad and fish dish (no rice or dhal in sight) the camera crew left. I felt somehow deflated as I ate alone in peace, then as it was quite late I decided to go to bed as it would be back to basics the next day.
I laid my heavy, sleep-deprived head on the cool Egyptian cotton (600 thread – count ‘em) pillowcase. I fully expected to sink into deep heaven, but no matter how long I lay there I couldn’t sleep properly. The minute I tried to close my eyes I saw Maya’s face, damp eyes, a lost little soul reaching out her tiny hand to touch someone.
I endured fitful dreams of Nathan lying in a bath of yak’s cheese and Ardash kissing a blonde in a bikini, all to the tune of We Will Rock You.
A bed was all I’d thought of during those awful nights in a sleeping bag, listening to Marcus’s snoring while trying to find a dip to put my head into on the rocky ground of the Himalayas. However, after two hours and 36 minutes, I abandoned the Egyptian cotton and the Indian silk throw, got out of bed and threw back the curtains, starting into the inky night. Thoughts of Maya and the orphans were whirring around in my head, as were thoughts of Nathan; was he about to become a father himself? I couldn’t bear it. The baby ought to have been mine and Nathan’s, not someone else’s. Why was life so cruel? I finally fell asleep in the upright chair in my room, in a very uncomfortable position with my head lolling onto my shoulders.
I didn’t sleep as well as I’d hoped in my luxury bedroom that night and when I woke up and looked at the beautiful bed, adorned in rich cotton sheets, I smiled to myself. So much for luxury! Who would have thought Tanya Travis would reject high-count cotton for a chair because it made her feel bad to sleep in it? Being in this show was making me crazier by the day.
TWEET: @DonnaAgent Tanya Travis did NOT swig champagne + order 3 toyboy hookers + crack cocaine @Radisson Hotel Nepal #Don’tBelieveWhatURead
23
Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner?
The next morning I was woken by loud knocking on my bedroom door and sighed with relief, remembering where I was and the breakfast of muesli and fresh fruit I’d ordered the night before. I padded over to the door, fully expecting to see my laden trolley but instead, a camera was pushed in my face.
“Tanya, get dressed, we’re taking you back to camp,” Tiff said, emerging from behind the cameraman and talking like the bloody villain in a James Bond film.
“But I’ve not had breakfast.”
“No time. Breakfast is a luxury now... We’ll meet in reception.” With that, she swept off down the corridor while the cameraman did a close-up on my horrified early-morning face.
I was put on a bus with a cameraman and after five hours’ driving perilously through the mountains and seriously risking all our lives, the driver suddenly announced “We are here,” and stopped the bus.
The cameraman filmed me getting off – and my heart did a swoop through the valleys, to see Ardash standing nearby. I was pleased to see him, very plea
sed. After the previous day at the orphanage together, I felt like we’d shared something and he understood what I was feeling – and what’s more, he actually listened.
“What’s happening?” I said, approaching him with the camera following me.
“Ah Tanya, now we trek back to camp,” he said.
“OK,” I smiled. “Where do you want us to start?”
Ardash knew the ground well and said we had a couple of hours trekking ahead of us, so we set off with Lance wandering slowly behind us, the other cameraman ahead, shooting back.
“How was your night in the hotel, Tanya?” was the first thing Ardash said as we walked through the trees in the first part of our journey back.
“It was OK. Yesterday made me rethink a lot of stuff... About me and my life. And Nathan.” I stopped to take in the mountains. “They look different from here,” I added.
“Everything changes when you look at it from a different place,” he smiled, gazing out at the view.
“Why do you always sound like you’re speaking in riddles?” I smiled. There often seemed to be a subtext to Ardash’s comments, like he was trying to impart ancient human wisdom.
“What will you do when you go back to England?” he said, signalling with his hand for us to walk on.
“Well, that’s the million dollar question. I was a celebrity in England, I lived a different life. I don’t know any more if I want to go back to that life, even if it’s still there. I think it might have been bad for me.”
“Perhaps it wasn’t your life that was bad? Perhaps it was the way you lived it?”
“There you go again, it’s like you’re giving me a clue and I have to solve the riddle. I hope it isn’t a Celebrity Spa Trek test” I smiled, feeling vaguely paranoid. He didn’t answer, just smiled enigmatically, he was either on a mission or didn’t understand a word I was saying.
“Oh, who knows what I’ll do,” I sighed as we trekked on. “What do you think I should do?” I didn’t know what I wanted him to say but I was beginning to trust him and wanted his advice.
“Only you have the answers to your own life,” he said with a smile.
We walked on and the cameraman continued to shoot as Ardash pointed out trees and shrubs. We talked about the mountains and the connections with religion, the gods and goddesses.
“There are more deities here than there are humans,” I smiled.
“Ah yes, but your country no longer has a spirit. You only worship the God of Gap every Sunday at the mall.” He said with a smile. And I suppose he was right.
“I thought I’d miss the shopping,” I said, “but I don’t. I get homesick, but not for the shops.”
“I would be homesick if I ever left, for the mountains and my bahinis...”
“Bahinis?”
“How you say... Ladies...girls?”
“Oh, girls... Bahini means girlfriend?”
“Yes... I have four.”
I closed my eyes and smiled at his arrogance.
“Gosh,” I said, unable to add anything but feeling rather surprised. It didn’t matter where you were in the world – all men were the same. Did these four women know about each other? Perhaps that’s how they did things here? Like Mormons... Astrid and I had watched a series about a man with four wives once. We couldn’t get our heads round the fact they were all so cool about their husband sleeping with other women. We concluded that we would rather be alone than share our husband with several wives. In fact Astrid expressed a preference for monogamy with some passion and her usual profanity.
When I arrived back at camp it was late. Tiff made me wait before I entered, to build the drama.
“Right Tanya, the others have just made dinner. You need to walk into camp and demand some, OK?” she said, grinning. I gritted my teeth. She clearly wanted me to play the celeb diva for her. The cameraman got ready and I held my breath. I actually felt nervous about returning to my camp mates, I hoped that they wouldn’t be disappointed to see me. Apart from the embarrassment of such a public rejection, I’d be genuinely hurt if they were indifferent or disappointed at my return. The camera followed me as I walked back into camp. I could see them all, gathered around the fire, eating yet more rice and dhal. Marcus was the first to spot me.
“Oh my dear, I don’t believe it!” he squealed.
“Is there any left for me? I’m quite hungry,” I smiled.
To my relief I was welcomed with such warmth by my fellow camp mates it brought tears to my eyes. “I don’t believe it – Tanya Travis, we thought you were back in Britain!” Jonny hailed my arrival.
I wasn’t under any illusions for long though, as Cindi was quick to point out; “We’re so bored of each other we’re even excited to see you, Tanya!” But nevertheless their hugs and ‘we’ve missed you’s were lovely to hear.
“So what about your eviction, man?” asked Paul. “Did you call your agent?” he joked. I smiled at him. “It was a trial” I said. “I had to work at an orphanage. I was rewarded by a night in a luxury hotel.”
“Luxury hotel? I remember those,” Cindi chuckled. “You lucky thing!”
“We were all sad to see you go,” Rex said sarcastically, without making eye contact. Cindi ignored him and carried on.
“Guess what, I did a trial last night Tanya, on the live show!”
I smiled. So whilst I’d been trying to get comfortable in a hotel chair, Cindi had taken on a Spa Trek challenge.
“Ooh Tan, it was called ‘Mountain Milkshakes’ and it was THE most disgusting stuff in long glasses with straws! I had to eat liquid fish guts and this disgusting smoothie made from insects.”
“We are all very proud of you, Cindi but let’s face it dear, you’ve had much worse in your mouth,” Marcus added, giving her a wink.
“I don’t think so, Marcus. It was horrible but I just kept my eyes forward and thought to myself: what would Katie Price do?”
“She’d swallow,” Paul smirked.
“Exactly. That woman is a trouper,” Cindi said seriously, “the way she bit down on that kangaroo anus on I’m a Celeb… was legendary.” I smiled weakly, trying not to retch and hoping the production team didn’t have similar plans afoot for me.
“So what did you win, after you’d ... swallowed?” I asked, hoping for a nice salad again.
“Tents for everyone,” she smiled, clasping her hands together with joy.
I heard a rustle in the rhododendron bushes and turned to see that Tiffany was still hovering with a little smile on her face. Then Carol-Ann appeared again.
“Hello, camp mates!” she said, cheerily. “We’ve gathered you here, ahead of tonight’s show, for an important arrival. The viewers have been voting in droves!”
Marcus started pinching his own cheeks for what he called, ‘that just kissed the blusher’ look. “Who can it be?” he asked no-one.
“Oh, you can always find a ‘celebrity’ for these programmes,” Jonny smiled.
“Yeah...or someone who’s shagged a celebrity and therefore the infection of fame has been passed on,” I laughed.
“Yes, it’s a sort of celebrity Munchausen’s by proxy,” Marcus added and we all laughed as we tripped between the crags to see which celebrity specimen had dropped in.
“Is everyone sitting comfortably? Then I’ll begin,” started Carol-Ann, once we were all ensconced in front of the fire.
“We have a new arrival in camp today and one of you guys is going to be very pleased to see this VIP.”
Jonny smiled and Rex did another of his nonchalant, long leg-crossing actions, when he was pretending not to care. Marcus, being single, was in the realms of fantasy. “Ooh, it might be a blind celebrity date for me? He might be an impostor, hoping to rough-arm his way into my affections and sleeping bag... Oh, be still my beating heart, I do hope so.”
“Marcus, it’s not some knocking shop for old poofs,” Paul said, nudging him affectionately.
“A queen can dream, dear.”
“...and the celebrity th
at’s joining us tonight is VERY close to someone’s heart! And he’s here until you decide to vote him out...or make him your Himalayan King.”
“It’s singer-songwriter, playboy heartbreaker...”
“Oh no,” sighed Cindi, “I don’t have the energy to do another boy band.”
My heart stopped. I held my breath...it couldn’t be?
“...he also happens to be camp mate Tanya Travis’s toyboy. Welcome, Mr Nathan Wells!”
Everyone clapped to the beat of my hammering heart. Oh God. He was here, now, with me in the mountains. I clapped along with everyone else and smiled calmly, aware the camera was doing a close-up reaction shot of my face. I was stunned, not knowing where to look and wondering if this was a trick, one of their twisted TV mind-games. And he was only two years younger, so why did everyone insist on referring to him as my bloody toyboy?
Carol-Ann turned around, held out her hand and there he was, emerging from the trees, smiling confidently. He looked every inch the seasoned celeb, taking Carol-Ann’s hand and waving, strolling into base camp like he’d been doing it all his life. He looked so handsome, so assured in his army combats and aviator glasses, like Tom Cruise in Top Gun. My knees almost let me down just watching him. My lust for Nathan flooded back and despite a few niggling little doubts, I had no choice but to let it take me over. Again. I smiled uncertainly in his direction; as his eyes were hidden behind designer shades I wasn’t sure about his reaction to seeing me. Everyone watched, open-mouthed (including me), as he walked slowly towards me, every footstep tramping on my heart... I counted each step: one, two, three, four. Then he was grabbing my hand and pulling me up from my cross-legged sitting position to wrap me in his arms and kiss me full on the lips. I fell into him; and in that one wonderful moment, my heart told me this wasn’t just for the cameras, and whatever Donna might say, Nathan hadn’t come here for fame or money. I’d doubted him before I left, my time in the mountains had blunted my feelings and the day with the orphans had confused me so much I hadn’t been thinking straight. But now I knew I still loved him passionately and I couldn’t deny it, even to myself. Our time apart had obviously changed Nathan, I knew from his kiss that he was here just for me.