I have survived a lot in my life. I’ve survived horrible tragedies and heartbreak—far more than any eighteen-year-old should ever have to face. Yet these things have made me who I am today. Do I wish they had never happened? Absolutely. But they did. And nothing will ever change that. All I can do is face forward. I can keep living. Keep breathing. Keep surviving. Because that is what I am supposed to do.
My mom is okay. She cried the day I came home, but I think she just did because she was worried about me. Mom and Dad never got along well. They always fought. She loved him though, and I think part of her was relieved that he hadn’t just left. He was coming home that day. And he would’ve made it home if it hadn’t been for the selfish act of another person.
After the funeral… after we say our goodbyes… everybody comes back to our house. From what I’ve seen, it’s tradition to hangout with the family after a death. And I like it. It’s nice to have everybody close to get my mind off of everything. It’s nice to smile and laugh after something so horrible happens.
Life goes on.
It sounds horrible, but it’s the truth.
I’m still alive. I’m still breathing. So I have to continue on in this journey. I can’t be depressed or sad anymore. I’m tired of living like that. So I’m going to take this one day at a time. And I am going to live.
It sounds silly to say that a funeral was beautiful or perfect, but my father’s funeral was. The only thing missing was Cam. I wish he had been here. I miss him. It’s been three weeks since he’s talked to me and I get that he needs space. I just wish things were different.
“You doing okay?” Micah asks me.
I nod. “Yeah. Actually, I am.”
“If I were you, I’d be a mess,” he says.
“I thought I would be,” I say. “But strangely enough, I feel free. And happy. Obviously, I wish my dad were still alive, but knowing this… it’s so much better than just thinking he didn’t love me. At least now I can let go of my anger and hatred that I’ve been carrying around for him.”
“How are you so mature?” Micah asks.
I smile. “You and Marissa are really cute together.”
I want to change the subject because I honestly just want to talk about something happier. Everybody keeps asking how I’m doing, which seems to be all anybody has wondered over the past couple years and I just want to move past tragedy. I want to move past being the sad girl. And I know that this is what my dad would want too.
“I really like her. Maybe even love her,” he says. “I haven’t told her that yet. I mean, it’s too soon. But I can really see a future with her, which is crazy. I’m only eighteen.”
“Age doesn’t matter,” I say.
“Yeah, but you’re eighteen in number, but like, thirty, in maturity.”
“Whatever,” I say, rolling my eyes.
“It’s true. You’re mature,” he says. “And maybe that’s why I like you so much.”
“You’re mature too,” I say. “I mean, more so than a lot of people I’ve met at college.”
“Well, I’ve already done the whole be at school away from your parents thing,” he says. “I was at boarding school and basically saw my family on holidays and summers.”
“I can’t imagine going to boarding school,” I say. “I really like my freedom. I feel like being in a school like that would be… kind of smothering.”
“It wasn’t a super strict school,” he says. “Basically, my school was for really rich kids whose parents didn’t feel like raising them. There were a few super smart kids too. But we always snuck out after curfew. The school didn’t care as long as we got accepted into an Ivy League school.”
“UGA isn’t Ivy League,” I say.
“True,” Micah says. “My grandpa went here a long time ago… long before my family was rich. My dad went to Harvard. I knew that UGA was the only non-Ivy League school my dad would allow me to come to. So thanks, Grandpa.”
“My parents met at UGA,” I say. “My dad took me to a few Bulldog games and we always watched them on TV together. My parents didn’t graduate because they had me before they could. But I still wanted to come here. I know this sounds weird, but I thought my dad had abandoned me. And I thought maybe if he heard I was going to UGA that he would be proud of me.”
“He would be so proud of you,” he says. “I didn’t get the chance to know him, but I know he would be proud of the person you’ve become. How could he not?”
“Thank you,” I say.
Micah Stevens is a true friend. The kind of friend that I will have long after I graduate college. The kind of friend who I will force to come to my house for dinner on the weekends. And our kids will be friends someday. Maybe he will even be the godfather of my children.
Dr. Sanchez was right… college is good for me.
“Have you spoke to Camden any at all?” Micah asks.
“No,” I answer. “His phone keeps going straight to voicemail and he’s not in his dorm room. I’m honestly not even sure he’s on campus. I just… wish he would talk to me. What he had to tell me… about Derek being his brother… that had to be hard for him and I want to tell him that it’s okay. It doesn’t matter who his brother is.”
“Would you have felt that way if you knew who he was the night you met him?”
“No,” I answer. “I honestly wouldn’t have wanted anything to do with him.”
“I don’t blame you.”
“But, he’s become my friend. Maybe even more, I don’t know. I have feelings for him. And I don’t care who his brother is. I just want him in my life. I want him to know that it’s okay,” I say. “I just wish I could talk to him.”
“He’s always been so protective of you,” Micah says. “I’m surprised he has stayed gone for so long. But I know he’ll be back. That boy is in love with you.”
I doubt that.
That he’s in love with me.
No.
No way.
He couldn’t be.
“Scott is really mad at him,” I say. “For not talking to me. And maybe I should be too, but I kind of get it. What he told me had to of been hard to say, you know? But I also feel like he is one of the few people that can understand what I am going through. I want to talk to him.”
“I’m mad at him too,” Micah says.
“I know this is weird, but in an odd way, Camden reminds me of Derek. Not the murderer, Derek. I am talking about the Derek that was my friend,” I say. “I want to be friends with Cam. I miss him so much. And I just need him to know that it doesn’t matter what Derek did. Cam is not Derek. And I just want to see him.”
“He will come back.”
I hope so.
I really, really do.
My mom walks over to where Micah and I are sitting. When she does, Micah excuses himself and my mom takes a seat beside me.
She’s a lot better today. She’s sad, as anybody would be, but she is a strong woman. I know she’s going to be okay.
“Are you okay?” Mom asks me.
“I’m fine, Mom. I promise,” I say. “I am probably better than I should be, considering.”
“I know. Me too,” she says. “I hated him for leaving… for abandoning you. And me. I was young and suddenly a single mom. If only I had known… but it doesn’t matter now.”
“I’m glad that we know,” I say. “I am glad I can finally stop hating him.”
“Me too,” she says. “I love your father a lot. I truly did.”
“I know,” I say. “And I also know that you love Stanley. I’m glad that you’re happy. Stanley is a great man and I’m glad he’s my stepdad. I am only sorry that I gave you such a hard time when you got married to him.”
“Don’t worry about that,” Mom says, smiling at me. “I knew that someday Stanley would become a second father to you. We were both relieved when you and Scott hit it off so well. You two instantly became best friends.”
“He is still my best friend,” I say.
“I kno
w that I am not the best mother,” she says. “But I love you.”
“I love you too.”
“If you need to talk, I’m here.”
“I know.”
And I do know.
My mom is a good mom and I wouldn’t change her for anything.
TWENTY-FOUR
Normal is overrated anyway.
I’m surprised how quickly life got back to normal after my dad’s funeral. Mom went back to posting obsessively on Instagram, Scott and I came back to school, and we continued hanging out with our friends.
But there is one thing missing still. It’s now been over a month since I talked to Camden and I’m not sure what to do. I want to talk to him. But I can’t exactly force him, especially since I have no idea where he’s at. But when I walk into the coffee shop and see Giggi sitting inside, I know that she will know where he is. I bypass the front counter and walk over to her table.
“Giggi, hey,” I say.
“Isla,” she says, smiling brightly at me. She scoots over in her booth and pats the spot beside her. “Sit down.”
I take a seat and see the girl sitting in front of me is giving Giggi a dirty look.
Abi is dressed a lot like Giggi—she has on a cute dress and her hair is styled perfectly. I, on the other hand, have my hair in a messy bun and am currently wearing a UGA hoodie. Go Bulldogs.
“This is Cam’s… friend… Isla,” Giggi says to her. “Isla, this is my best friend, Abi.”
“Hey,” I say to Abi, then turn to Giggi. “Do you happen to know how to get in touch with Cam? Because he hasn’t talked to me since I came to visit in Savannah. All my calls keep going straight to voicemail.”
“He’s ignoring me too,” Giggi says, frowning.
“Oh, okay,” I say, feeling disappointed. “If you hear from him, could you tell him I need to talk to him?”
“Yeah, sure,” she says. “How have you been? I haven’t seen you in a while.”
“I’m okay,” I say, shrugging my shoulders. “I was home last week for my dad’s funeral, so things have been a little crazy.”
“Your dad died?” she asks.
“Yeah.”
“I’m so sorry,” Giggi says.
“It’s okay. I mean, it’s not. But I am okay,” I say. “I really miss Cam.”
“I do too,” she says. “He will barely talk to me. He’s really upset over… everything. He thinks you hate him.”
“No. I don’t,” I say. “I could never hate Cam.”
“I wouldn’t blame you,” Giggi says. “If you hated me and Cam. If I were you, I would probably hate us too.”
“I don’t,” I say. “I don’t even hate Derek. So don’t ever feel that way, okay?”
She nods. “Thanks. For not hating Derek. A lot of people do and to know that you don’t is really… well, it makes me feel better. People only saw how the media portrayed him and I think you might be the only person that isn’t family who doesn’t hate him.”
The girl, Abi, is still quiet. I’m not sure if Giggi has told her friend about her brother. I mean, how do you tell somebody something like that?
“Why did he become my friend?” I ask.
“Cam?”
I nod.
“I don’t think he meant to,” she says. “When he saw you at the party, he had no idea who you were until you told him your name. He thought you were cute, he said. But then after that, I think he was just curious about you. We all were. You were the only person that Derek ever talked about. And you were…” Giggi looks at Abi, then back at me. “Well, you know. You survived. We’ve always wondered about you.”
“Oh,” I say. “Do you think… that Cam and I could ever be friends again?”
“I think so,” she says. “But give him some time. Cam took it the worst, you know. He’s the big brother. He always thinks it’s his job to protect us all, you know?”
“Yeah,” I say, nodding. “I guess I get it. But he’s not responsible for Derek’s actions.”
“I know. But he doesn’t,” Giggi says.
“Okay,” I say, then stand up. “I’m going to go get some coffee. Just… when you talk to him, please tell him that I miss him and that I would like to talk to him.”
“I will,” she says.
I walk away from her table feeling mostly sad and empty. Camden is hurting right now and I hate it. I just want him to be happy—whether that’s with me in his life or without me.
I just hope he’s more happy with me.
That afternoon, Marisa has an important test to study for, so Micah and I are hanging out in his dorm room. I’m glad that she’s not a jealous person—of course, there is nothing to be jealous of between Micah and I. I’m glad she sees that because I like hanging out with Micah. It reminds me of the first few weeks of college—he was my only friend then.
Micah is playing his guitar. The same guitar that he swore he wouldn’t play in front of me ever. He’s not bad, actually, so I’m not sure why he’s afraid to play in front of people. I’m just glad he’s comfortable around me now.
His roommate is never home. Ever. I don’t even think he sleeps here very often from what Micah said. He’s lucky, I guess. I mean, I’m lucky too. My roommate it nice. Zoey and I have somehow become friends even though we are complete opposites.
During the middle of Micah’s song, there is a knock on his dorm room door. He just keeps playing while I get up to answer it. It’s probably Scott. I told him I’d be here and he said he was coming once his class let out. Maybe they let out early today.
But when I open the door, it’s not Scott standing there.
The smile that was on my face instantly falls. Not because I’m unhappy, but because I am shocked.
Camden Miller is standing there.
It’s strange. I now know his last name. But to be honest, it doesn’t change how I feel about him at all.
Neither of us say anything for a few seconds. I think we’re both stunned into silence. I’m sure he wasn’t expecting me to open the door.
“I’m sorry,” he says.
It’s the first thing he’s said to me in a month. And I’m just glad to hear his voice.
“I am too,” I say. “Sorry, that is. Because… I mean… I over reacted. I mean, I wish I hadn’t passed out. But it was kind of… you know… a lot to process. But I didn’t mean for you to think I was mad or that I hated you. Because I’m not mad. And I definitely don’t hate you.”
The music stops, but I don’t turn to look at Micah. I don’t want to look away from Cam, not even for a second. I’m scared that he’s going to disappear again. I don’t want him to leave again.
“You should hate me,” Cam says. “I deceived you. I knew from the second you told me your name who you are, and I chose not to tell you who I am. And I even lied about my last name.”
“I understand why you did it,” I say. “And I wouldn’t take back or change anything that happened. Because meeting you is the best thing that’s ever happened to me. You’ve helped me more than anything… I’ve finally been able to let go of the past and to look forward. I’m living again because of you.”
“But my brother… what he did to you…”
“I forgive him,” I say. “Because of you, I have finally forgiven Derek Miller. And it’s so freeing to let go of the hate I felt for him. It’s freeing to not be defined by a tragedy that happened in my life. I’m Isla McAdams. And I was the only survivor. But I’m also a UGA student. I’m a sister. I drive a stupid pink car and I listen to weird music. I have friends. I’m so much more than a survivor.”
“You are,” Cam says. “A lot more. You’re amazing. And I know why he chose you out of everybody to live. You were his only friend in a school full of people who hated him. And I can’t thank you enough for being his friend. I know I should’ve been there for him and I wish that I was. I wish I could go back and change everything.”
“I have regrets too,” I say. “A lot of them. But we can’t look back and say what-if
. All we can do is look forward. We can make sure tomorrow is better than yesterday.”
“And after knowing all this… after knowing who I am… you still want to be friends with me?”
“More than anything, yes,” I say.
“Okay,” he says. “So, can we? Be friends?”
“Yes,” I say, not hesitating or wavering at all. Because this is what I wanted. For Cam to be in my life—no matter what that entails.
I throw my arms around Cam because I can’t stand to not hug him any longer. I have missed this boy so much.
I know that Cam and I are going to be okay. We have a lot of work to do and our relationship… friendship… is anything but normal, but normal is overrated anyway.
EPILOGUE
A beautiful mess.
I wish I could say everything from that point forward was perfect. I wish I could say we lived happily ever after. But the truth is, nothing in life is perfect. And Cam and I are no exception to that. Camden’s little brother did something horrible. And I was a survivor. And the two of us, we are messy. But I’m happy to think that we are a beautiful mess. And together, we make the world a better place.
Cam and I remained friends for about two years. And then he finally said he wanted to be more. I mean… it took him long enough, right? And of course, I told him that I had been waiting. But even though I wanted us to be an us long before then, I knew that it wasn’t the right time. And then suddenly, it was. And it was… beautiful. Amazing. Perfect.
And tonight, we are graduating college. Somehow, we both managed to make it this far, and I’m honestly surprised. When I started, I wasn’t even sure I would survive the first semester, let alone the whole four years. I get to stand beside Scott in the line-up.
Oh, I forgot to mention… I’m Isla Jacobson now. Stanley ‘adopted’ me. I mean, I was nineteen at the time, so technically I was already grown. But I was happy to change my name and happy to call him Dad. So Scott really is my brother now, and I love it.
I also got a new car.
The Day My Life Began Page 14