by Tarquin Hall
UNDERCOVER WORK
No private investigator in India can expect to succeed without maintaining undercover operatives who are well versed and capable at infiltrating any given situation. Males and females of all ages are required and they should be honest and loyal individuals who can take initiative when they find themselves in a tight spot. Mr. Tarqin has given away so much of information regarding my operatives, I will not risk further compromising their ability to work under the radar, so to speak. I can only add that their faithful service has proven invaluable over the years. Often they have acted as both my eyes and ears, not to mention my nose also.
A successful undercover operative must blend into any background, using whatever props come to hand.
CODE NAMES
Every undercover operative must be in possession of a code name. Their proper names should never be revealed even to one another in case of capture and interrogation. Her Majesty’s Secret Service agents go by numbers like 007, which is boring quite frankly. Personally I like to choose pet names owing to the nature of the individual in question. Thus “Tubelight” is so named because he is not a morning person and is slow to flicker on. “Flush”, who is dealing with electronics and computers and all, is so named because his was the first household in his native place to get a flush toilet. Other of my operatives include “Chanel No. 5” and “Full Moon”. Also, I have a pet name for the tea boy, namely “Missing Link”, but that is not for operational reasons.
From beneath a berth where a sardar-ji lay snoring, he helped himself to a change of clothes and a freshly laundered turban. Tubelight then entered the toilet a Muslim and walked out a Sikh.
CASE OF THE DEADLY BUTTER CHICKEN
DISGUISES
My considerable success can be attributed to a number of factors, but time and again I have proven to be a master of disguise. My ability in this regard was not achieved overnight. Not at all. Many years of study and training were required. At school I was involved with amateur theatrics from an early age. Later in life I worked in Military Intelligence whereby I was often called upon to mix with the ordinary people. If I so desired I could pass even my beloved dear wife in the street and she would not recognise me. So seamlessly I can slip into a part that Vish Puri is left behind and I become another person. Under a list of some common disguises I’ve utilised in act of performing my duty:
Sardar-ji
The Sardar-ji is quick and easy to don. I can transform myself into a Sikh in three minutes flat, something of a world record no doubt. In northern India you can go unnoticed in almost any given situation, Sikhs being a common sight in almost any place.40 But it is worth noting that 99.999% of Sikhs are Punjabis, therefore a gora, Tamil or junglee type would be hard pressed to pull it off.
Requirements:
• One pre-tied Dastar pagri is preferred. The untied variety will also suffice. The Nok turban requires less wraps around the head and is very common in Punjab.
• One fake beard.
• One beard tie can be useful to help with disguising a fake beard.
• One Kara bracelet worn on the right wrist made of iron.
• One comb as a Sikh should comb his beard once a day.
Notes:
* Depending on situation and age of operative, a kurta pyjama, collarless waistcoat and chappals are advised. For traditional Sikhs kirpan is must, even in miniature form.
• Knowledge of Punjabi is essential, including choice Punjabi profanities.
• Styles of pagris vary between different Sikh orders and regions so don’t get caught out should you fall into conversation with another Sardar at a party, dhabha or railway platform.
Babu
Simple one and comes in handy in so many of circumstances there being 23 crore government employees in India and countless official buildings. Infiltration of offices can be achieved with ease. Also, Babus can instil fear in the hearts of most Indians, thus masquerading as a senior government servant can prove useful at times.
Requirements:
• One sleeveless undershirt
• One white shirt, pressed and starched with breast pocket. In hottest months shirt should be sleeveless or short sleeve.
• One pair dark trousers, creased.
• One black belt.
• One pair black shoes, highly polished.
• One pair glasses.
• One Administrative Service ID with neck strap, to be worn at all times.
• Three pens to be worn in breast pocket.
• One stomach paunch essential for those 35 plus.
Notes:
• It is essential the hair be closely clipped, neat and tidy and if so desired parted to one side with oil.
• When posing as a senior officer a dark suit and sombre tie is required. A manicure will not go amiss. A fawning peon to carry files is also highly advisable. Talk down to him at all times.
• Females need only wear a sombre cotton sari with ID neck strap and carry a sensible purse.41
Music Producer
When ingratiating oneself with Page Three types, that is Bollywood, professional cricketers and society peoples, I go in for something on the flamboyant side. Music and film producers are an easy choice and one need only to dress up like Bappi Lahiri.42 If at all possible take along a couple of gori girls on each arm, also.
Requirements:
• Wrap-around sunglasses to be worn at all times, even at night.
• 1 wig with outlandish hairstyle.
• 1 silk shirt with wide open collar.
• Gold medallion and chains.
• 1 pair leather trousers or jeans.
• Pair cowboy boots.
• Number of chunky gold rings.
• 1 hip flask filled with whisky.
• Optional extras: gold tooth, gold-topped cane.
• 1 Mercedez Benz S Class or similar.
• Sideburns (bushy ones), and goatee.
Notes:
• Your conversation should be littered with curse words.
• A repertoire of non veg jokes will be required.
• It is highly likely that at parties you will be offered cocaine, a common recreational drug amongst Page Three types. To avoid using it claim you have undergone reconstructive surgery for your nostrils.
• Should anyone show confusion as to why they have never heard of you, claim to be from Singapore only.
• If possible bring along two females, preferably Ukrainian with long legs.
Sadhu or Sanyasi
A handy disguise for infiltrating villages and remote areas. Although admittedly it has been some years since I had cause to use it myself, the operatives working under my command use it regularly.
Requirements:
• One large quantity of holy ash.
• One beard.
• One loincloth.
• One set dreadlocks.
• One trident.
• Black coloured contact lenses.
• Set of rudraksha beads.
• Garlands of beads.
• One human skull (optional).
Notes:
• The undercover operative will require one kg or two of marijuana
• It is worth having a few tricks up your sleeve to impress villagers and all. Walking on hot coals is one feat that never fails to impress. Eating light bulbs is another. Both can be achieved with a little practice.
CAUTION
Tubelight, my senior undercover operative, while masquerading as a sanyasi was asked by a village man to impregnate his wife. Seems the two were having trouble conceiving. This put him in a tight spot but he managed somehow.
Auntie
It is something of a challenge for men such as myself to transform themselves into a member of the opposite sex. But regardless I have accomplished the same on more than one occasion when called upon to do so during operations when Deep Cover was required. Sporting a moustache is something of an obstacle and I was left with no choice
but to shave it off and go in for waxing and eyebrow threading, also. This caused me pain the likes of which I never imagined possible. Surely childbirth cannot compare! Torture aside, the disguise can be easily achieved. I mean no disrespect when I say that some aunties are looking somewhat masculine and Punjabi ones are known to grow overweight on ladoos and burfi, thus a male of average height can go undetected.
Requirements:
• Standard auntie outfit includes brightly coloured cotton Salwaar Kameez with chunni, and chappals or sensible shoes.
• One wig, long and black.
• Gold jewellery including mangal sutra.
• Bangles on each wrist.
• One set fake eyelashes.
• Makeup including nail polish, lipstick, foundation, plenty of blush.
• Padding if required.
• One purse.
• Sindoor and big red bindi.
Notes:
• Voice is all important.
• Hairs from chin, fingers and toes should be removed.
• Wobbling from side-to-side on arthritic hips while walking provides authentic impression.
• Purse should bulge with multiple items, including snaps of grandchildren, copy of Gita, diabetes medicine, arthritis medicine, high blood pressure medicine, brochure for luxury Singapore cruise, hard boiled sweets.
Ditch-digger Wallah
Ditches, trenches, channels, drains and holes of all sizes and depths are forever getting dug up all over metros for purpose of laying cables and piping and fixing broken water pipes and all. Everywhere one cares to look these days the result is heaps of earth and bricks and broken pieces of concrete blighting the landscape. Residents have grown totally accustomed to labourers turning up in their neighbourhood without warning or prior notification and proceeding to go about excavating the pavement willy nilly. Trenches can appear as if by magic. Best of all for the Indian detective and undercover operative, few persons bother asking what is the purpose of such excavations and on whose authority they have been made. Furthermore, those persons employed to do digging are always from impoverished sections of society working for slave wages and having no education whatsoever, thus they are never in a position to provide information regarding what the work is for exactly. Better still, such types live on site, that is to say on the side of the road where they are required to erect basic shelters for themselves and perform their cooking on crude fires fuelled by wood scavenged from the local area.
As such 24-hour surveillance can be mounted on majority of streets throughout the capital directly under the nose of a given target.
Requirements:
• Standard labourers attire, clothes and footwear being dirty and torn.
• Basic tools such as spade and pick.
• Few sheets of blue plastic sheeting and poles for erection of shelter.
• Cooking pots, utensils, etc.
Notes:
• For sake of adding authenticity, some women labourers may be hired to work on the site while the men sit around doing nothing.
Junglee Type
India is home to millions of tribals, inhabiting what is remaining of forested land where they have stayed for millions of years worshipping animist deities. Infiltrating their ranks is challenging and not recommended. Tribals have their own customs and languages and can spot an imposter ten miles off. Some retain bows and arrows also. Thus for penetrating their communities, a sadhu or sanyasi disguise is recommended. Better still is the assistance of an insider drawn from the right tribe.
A NUDIST EXPERIENCE
My most challenging disguise til date arose when I was required to investigate a murder at a nudist colony and was barred from entering the premises on grounds that I was fully clothed. Naturally I refused flat out. My trousers remained firmly on my person. Not even my cap left my head. Yet I got inside. How? Answer: I adopted my leper disguise, thus no one could touch me for fear of catching the disease.
The security guard approached the Mercedez-Benz, clipboard at the ready, as it stopped at the front gate of Full Moon’s Chattarpur farmhouse.
“Your good name, sir?” he said once the automatic window had slid down.
“Pujji. Mahinder C. Pujji,” answered Puri. “Sagittarius.”
CASE OF THE DEADLY BUTTER CHICKEN
Ambassador
TYPES OF NOSES
In India we are blessed with every kind of nose. Many differ from region to region. When going undercover it is essential to don the right nose just as it is essential to adopt the correct accent or local dress in order to fit in.
Under, examples of some common noses, which should be considered useful to keep to hand:
The Craggy
The Bulbous
The Hook
The Beak
The Shark Fin
The Button
TYPES OF MOUSTACHES
The Tusker
The Horseshoe
The Dumb-Bell
The Circus Strongman
The Harley
The Flashman
TYPES OF BEARDS
The Invader
The Full Monty
The Gandalf
The Hornet’s Nest
The Ladakhi
The Royal Goatee
The Garlic Clove
The Abe Lincoln
TYPES OF HEADGEAR
Generic Peshawari turban, typically worn by waiters & bearers.
A Sikh Dastar.
A Rajasthani turban.
Typical of headwear worn by labourers.
Karakul cap.
Gandhi cap.
TYPES OF TILAKA
Some examples of marks or symbols worn on the forehead by various Hindu sects. Always applied with paste or powder.
EXTRAS REQUIRED FOR DISGUISES
Under, some essential items which come in handy when donning a disguise. Improvisation can be required at short notice, thus such props are indispensable. Remember: a professional can render themselves virtually unrecognisable in five minutes only. Trick is to change major features. Carry the same at all times:
• One makeup kit with stage glue.
• Chalk for hair.
• Paan for teeth stain.
• Pair bushy eyebrows.
• Tinted contact lenses and variety of types of eye wear.
• Set of fake detachable limbs.
• Bandaging and fake blood.
• Variety of rings and jewellery.
• Variety of head wear, including turbans and hats and all.
• Some stick on moles and beauty marks.
• Some kohl and henna.
• Variety of caste marks (see page 111).
WHERE TO FIND UNIFORMS
All manner of uniforms are readily available in Delhi markets. Sadar Bazar, Old Delhi, is a one stop shop for uniforms we can say. On a recent visit I made following list of what all I found there!
• All police uniforms, including officer, jawan, traffic cop, etc.
• All forces, including army, navy, air force all ranks.
• Hotel: chef, chambermaid, etc.
• Merchant Navy.
• Doctor and nurse.
• All school uniforms.
• MTNL engineer.
• McDonald’s, KFC, Subway.
• Air hostess.
• Industrial uniforms, including hard hats, etc.
• Security personnel.
• Martial arts.
• Frogman diving suit.
Personally, I prefer to source all my requirements from Mr. Chatterjee of Chatterjee & Son, suppliers of costumes and other paraphernalia, Chandni Chowk, Old Delhi. I have a long standing arrangement with the gentleman.
Hindu deities were stored on the ground floor: Hanuman monkey suits, strap-on Durga arms, and Ganapati elephant trunks hung in rows. Uniforms from numerous epochs were to be found one flight up: the military regalia of Macedonian foot soldiers, Maratha warriors, Tamil Tigers, Vedic Kshatriy
as, and Grenadier Guards. The third floor was home to traditional garb of hundreds of different Indian communities: from Assamese to Zoroastrian. There was a special room set aside for headgear of all sorts, including the woven bamboo ceremonial hats worn by Naga tribesmen, the white mande thunis of the Coorg and British pith helmets.