“Thanks, Stella.” At this point, I knew I couldn’t hide my inner sadness. She regarded me with a sidelong look, and then looked at my other bundle.
“Tell me about this novel you wrote. I didn’t expect that. What drove you to write a novel?” She opened the package and took out my manuscript. I’d had it typed professionally, and was very proud of my presentation.
“It’s a bit of a dark love story. A young woman falls for a man who is…different…in need of love but unable to appreciate it.” Again, her eyes shot up to mine. “It’s not autobiographical,” I lied. It was definitely based on my life, though I changed enough to avoid any hurt feelings.
“How does it end?”
“It’s not a happy ending, but she finds herself in the final equation.”
She read the first couple pages as we sat in her office, then put the bundle down on her desk. We faced each other again.
“I’ll have to read over the novel, Rachel. I usually take a couple of months to review work like that, and I send it to a couple of readers. It might be a bit.”
“It’s okay, Stella, take your time. I just had to get these words out of my heart and mind so I could move on to other things.”
“I understand, honey. Most great art comes from pain.” She gave me a knowing look. “I’ll let you know as soon as I can. Are you still at the same number?”
“Yes, for now. If I move, I’ll give you forwarding information.”
We talked for a bit more, and before I left she showed me the framed cover of my first collection on her wall. I felt so proud to be on that wall next to the literary legends she represented. She also gave me my latest royalty check, which was greatly appreciated. It was enough to last me the entire year, and that gave me a strong sense of comfort…something in short supply lately.
I left her office, and walked. I hadn’t been out for a while, and the day had turned sunny, if a bit breezy. It felt good to be outside. Manhattan is made for walking, and my heels hitting the pavement energized me. I stopped for a quick lunch at a diner, and then walked more. I window-shopped a bit, but honestly my mind was distant.
As I walked down 5th Avenue, I found myself near a familiar storefront. It was Mandy’s, though they were taking down the sign as I arrived. I spoke to the two men doing the work.
“When will Mandy’s reopen?” I asked.
“It won’t. Out of business. Going to be a Levi’s store, I’ve heard.”
I stood outside the empty storefront. I could see my reflection in the glass. I regarded myself carefully. It had not been that long ago that I first entered this store, and yet so much had happened…a lifetime of events had transpired between visits here. I looked at my face. I looked into my eyes. A whole new woman stared back at me. A better woman? No, not necessarily. Or perhaps I was, just based on which side of things you were considering.
I was definitely more grown up. I had gone from a shy, awkward girl to a professional author and independent woman. I had moved from the home of my now deceased parents into my own place on the gorgeous Upper West Side. I was soon to publish some of my best work. My life was almost unrecognizable. The young girl who danced into Mandy’s that night last year would not even understand the woman I was today.
So what would the butterfly tell the caterpillar, if it could? I think it would say, “You are blessed with never-ending sunrises. Those sunrises are for you to enjoy. Stop wasting time regarding the butterfly, as much as it is your future self. While that is you, it is also not you. You are a hundred thousand events along the path to that change; you are not merely endpoints. You must make the most of the journey. While a caterpillar, enjoy every crawling step you make, and every leaf you eat. Wonder in amazement at the transformation at bay within yourself. You are kinetic capability, and as such you are a wonderment of nature. When you transfigure, revel even in your painful reshaping. Feel every inch of that agonizing growth, for it too is a part of you. As you pull yourself out of your chrysalis, shake off the moisture and sleep vigorously. Spread those new wings and absorb the warmth and sunshine with them. Stretch them. Move them. And then fly with them. Let loose your spirit and fly as hard and as far and as fast as you can. You earned that right. You deserve to experience that flight in all its fury. Fly with all you have, because that is what you were meant to do. There is no other purpose to you, after all, than to do what you do the very best way you know how. Anything less and you might as well have stayed a caterpillar.
I took a cab to the Upper West Side.
When I arrived at my building, I saw David standing near my doorman. They had been talking, but when I approached he turned to face me. He stood tall and square-shouldered. He watched me approach. His hands were stuffed in the pockets of his black overcoat, and he seemed a bit nervous. Cool veneer gone.
“Hi, Rachel. I hope you don’t mind. You haven’t been answering. I was hoping to catch you out and about.”
Despite all of my conflicted feelings from the last few months, especially those in the last two weeks, I was happy to see his face. My mind told me that I was moving on with my life, but my heart wasn’t so sure.
“It’s okay, David. How are you?” I smiled. He put his arms around me, and kissed me on the cheek. I pulled away before he got too comfortable there.
“I’m okay…I’ve been missing you…more than I can say. I wanted to talk to you…a little bit at least.”
“So talk.” I felt a sense of power, but I also had to avoid eye contact, lest I fall into his charcoal eyes. I was going to be strong, no matter the cost. My wings were unfurled and on display. I moved them in the sunshine.
“I wanted to tell you that I understand your feelings exactly. I know this life isn’t for everybody. It’s rare that someone can put up with all that goes on. I am so sorry if what I did hurt you. I never wanted that.”
“I know, David, and you warned me upfront. I’m sorry I lost control as I did. That was uncalled for. I guess I finally reached my breaking point with it all…and it happened suddenly.”
“No, it’s perfectly understandable.” I made eye contact with him, and quickly felt myself softening. Oh my God, he was a beautiful man. The wind was sending his hair into his black eyes, and I think he looked more desirable to me than ever. “I just want you to know that if you don’t want to be with me, that’s okay…but I hope we can remain friends.”
“I’d like that, David,” I said, though it was a lie.
How could I see him as a friend, after all? If I saw him by himself, I knew I’d find myself falling for him again. It was all I could do now, while the wounds were still fresh, to keep from jumping into his muscular arms and begging him to take me back.
And if I saw him with another? How could I face that eventuality? See him with a beautiful young woman? See him kiss her and hug her? See them develop a new life together? How about seeing Mark and Keiko? It would be too much. I knew it was completely unrealistic. Both options were impossible. I had to cut the cord and have a life away from him…from them…from the life.
So I stood there, facing him, working my calmest façade and most neutral demeanor. I felt the wind whipping my hair, and flushing my cheeks. I tried to look as frank as possible, even though I was the least sincere person in New York. I measured my smile. I held my posture. I was playing the part of iron, when I was really a marshmallow.
“There’s one more thing, Rachel. If you have a second more,” he said, looking into my eyes.
“Sure, David. What is it?” I made the mistake of turning my face up to him completely. And there was that face. That manly, chiseled, perfect face. Those eyes. The warmth. He still needed a shave. I could smell his cologne and his outdoors aroma. My heart started fluttering again.
“I’m leaving for Costa Rica tomorrow. I’m spending nearly a month down there. I’m doing some deep-jungle trekking, and working with a crew for a big spread on the regional birds.”
“Oh, that’s nice…how exciting!” Honestly, I couldn’t picture
myself being deep in the jungle—give me a hotel with white linen sheets any day. “Have a safe trip, David.” I tried to be cheery, but I could feel the cracks in my expression. I’ll wager he probably could too.
He was fidgeting in his overcoat pocket, and then he pulled out a small black box. Velvet-covered box.
My heart began slamming in my chest. Tears burned in my eyes immediately, and then ran down my cheeks like a river. Calm, neutral demeanor gone in an instant.
“I know this isn’t how it should happen. And I don’t want you to answer me right now, Rachel. I want you to know that I love you and want you in my life…always.” He opened it, and showed me a beautiful diamond that glittered in the sunshine. A thousand sparkling rays of sunlight. “I know things are not what you would want in a relationship. I know I’m not the type of man you ever expected to be with. I know you don’t approve of the life and that it doesn’t fit your heart. Yet think about the love we have shared. The good times and the tears. Rachel, think about the future we could have together.”
I started to protest, but my stolid appearance was shattered, and I was a weeping girl. I wanted to tell him…I had to tell him…but I couldn’t do it. The words weren’t forming. I could only cry. He stopped me.
“Please…don’t say anything. Just take this ring. You can sell it…throw it away…give it to a friend…whatever. Or just keep it. When I return from Costa Rica, I’ll call you. If your heart hasn’t changed, then we’re still friends and this never happened.” He pulled my hand up, opened it, and pushed the still-open box into the palm of my hand. A tear splashed onto it. “But if there’s still love for me inside you, maybe you can keep it alive. Maybe we can rebuild what we had. I’m willing to work on things, Rachel. I’m willing to compromise. I don’t know how much, but I’ll do what I can. These feelings I have had…I never felt I could change them until I met you. I never wanted to change until I met you.”
I was still staring dumbly at the ring. After a pause, I looked up to him, blinking out the tears. I couldn’t say anything.
“Okay, I’d better run,” he said. He quickly bent over to kiss my cheek, but I turned my face to him and kissed him on the lips. He winked at me and then walked up the street to the subway station. I stood there and watched him walk away.
Brent, my doorman, woke me from my spell. “You okay, Miss Rachel?”
“Yeah, I’m fine.” I looked at my hand and I was still holding the box, palm up.
“Can I get the elevator for you?” He was already pulling open the door for me.
“No, I got it. Thanks.” I turned and walked into the building.
I think every girl dreams of her proposal. I think I had visions of mine with horses, castles, and a cast of thousands all cheering. Or maybe under the Eiffel Tower, or on a gondola in Venice. Marching bands. I didn’t expect to be handed a ring out on a windy, cool day in Manhattan.
And, yet, it was David. From the moment I had set eyes on him he had captured my heart. He was brilliant. He was dedicated to his work. He was gorgeous. He was a gentleman. Yet he was a man who’d had sex with men and women in every possible combination, across the world. That’s untenable, right? How can a marriage survive like that?
Still, I had enjoyed so much of it. I had explored things sexually I would have never imagined. I had been places I had never thought possible. David had been the catalyst to my writing career, which was now changing my life and allowing me to share my art with the world.
And he had been there for me when I lost my father. He was as much my family as anybody else on the planet, as were Keiko and Mark.
What would I do about Keiko? I had not yet even begun to tackle my relationship with her and Mark. That was a further complexity that, as a young woman, I didn’t feel equipped to handle.
I took the elevator up to my floor, entered my apartment, and sat down at the kitchen table. I opened the box again, and sat staring at the ring.
Whatever course my life would take would be determined by the next decision I made.
I fluttered my wings, and considered their ability to hold me in flight. Was I ready? Should I jump and see if they would lift me to the heavens?
THE END
Follow You Down (Farfalla Book 1) Page 25