‘Come on in, Drake. Mom was just here.’
He smiled, feeling, I guess as if he had a conspirator in my mother. Once upon a time that might have been true. Though she’d never admit it, I had seen slow and steady – and yes, painful – changes in my mother since Jack had come out. But the point is that she was changing. The point was not the ease with which she changed.
‘She’s too good to me. When she said she’d come and talk to you about–’
‘Well, see that’s the thing,’ I said with my softest possible tone. ‘There’s nothing to talk about. There is nothing left in me, Drake, that could reconcile with you.’
He frowned and sat down heavily on the kitchen chair I indicated. ‘But, Merritt ...’
‘But Merritt, nothing,’ I snapped. ‘If you’re honest with yourself, Drake, you don’t want to reconcile either.’
He blinked at me and put his head in his hands. ‘No, I don’t,’ he sighed like he was exhausted.
‘But you’re afraid of having to start over completely. It was all fine when you were running around, having fun and fucking everything with a pulse, right?’
He blinked at me again, his cheeks turning a brick red. Shook his head. ‘Right. Pretty much.’
The words resonated with me. Me and my past six months of abandon. ‘Then why are you even here? Why are you filling my mother’s head full of grandchildren and making up?’
‘I feel guilty,’ he blurted.
‘Don’t.’
‘I feel lost.’
‘I know,’ I said and put a hot cup of coffee in front of him.
‘And I met this guy and I really ...’ He shook his head and sipped his java.
‘You really like him and that completely and thoroughly freaks you out. You can’t even get a handle on what it is about him that draws you in, but it is there. And it is strong. And it scares you so bad sometimes you think you could pee your pants?’ I whispered.
Drake, my handsome, funny, crazy ex husband looked at me for a long moment and said, ‘Either you are spying on me, or you are a witch.’
I swallowed hard, hearing my own words as if on a time delay. My stomach didn’t want the coffee any more. Or the doughnut I’d eaten for that matter. ‘Neither,’ I said. I moved to make another cup of coffee though I had no intention of drinking it until the electrical current flowing in my belly ceased.
‘So what do I do?’ he asked.
‘Regroup. Face your feelings. Move forward.’
‘Regroup?’
‘Don’t let anyone rush you. Not even this guy. If he’s worth it, he’ll wait. You’ve had your fun. Now be quiet with yourself and figure it out.’
‘That’s hard for me,’ he said. ‘Being quiet with myself. I don’t always like what I see. What I hear.’
‘I think it’s hard for all of us,’ I said. ‘There’s always some stuff we manage to even hide from ourselves and when you spend time being silent alone with yourself ... well, you end up finding all that shit again.’
Drake smiled, rose, kissed me. It was a chaste kiss but one full of love and affection. ‘Thank you, Merritt. You are a wise and talented guru.’
‘I’m a mess,’ I laughed.
‘I’m sorry I hurt you,’ he said. It was really the first time Drake had apologised straight up for hurting me. I felt my throat narrow with emotion.
I could only nod. My voice was gone.
‘I’m sorry I couldn’t find the cajones to just be honest with you. But I truly was confused. And I truly did and do love you, Merritt. And I just didn’t know what to do. So I fucked it up.’
I stood on tiptoe and kissed his rough cheek. ‘I know but it’s over now. I want you to be happy, Drake. Go be happy.’
He grinned, hugged me, left. I shut the door, hoping him all the happiness he could gather to him.
The phone rang.
‘There is my Merritt,’ he said.
Something in me loosened and I felt like crying. MyMerritt. There was no logical reason for Penn to say that and yet he had. There was no reason for it to resonate with me and yet it did. It made no more sense than coming home to find Drake with Ted had made, the day my whole world came undone. But there it was. Just as confusing but wonderful where the other had been crushing.
‘Hi,’ I breathed. It was past dinner time where he was and for me it was barely lunch. I looked down at myself to see how I looked, as if he could see me. As if he would care. ‘I was just thinking about you,’ I said and I meant it.
I heard him smile and it made me smile. ‘Good things, I hope,’ he said.
‘Of course.’
‘I’m coming home the day after tomorrow,’ he said.
Excitement surged in my belly, filling my chest, making the tips of my fingers tingle with a swirl of emotion that was so intense it bordered on terror. ‘Are you? Are you ... happy?’
‘I’m ecstatic, though I can’t see you until July you said. But I can respect your timeline.’
My timeline. My grand adventure that I had basically failed at. But I knew that I was done with that journey. I wasn’t going to hold myself to the final six months if my heart wasn’t in it. My heart was strangely tied to this man. And it scared me.
‘Thank you,’ I said. I ran my fingers through my still damp hair, remembering the feel of Matthew coming in the golden brown strands. I didn’t feel guilt, just a small pulse of sadness at saying goodbye to Matthew. ‘I’ve had a rough year.’
‘I know. I will do whatever it is you wish. But don’t begrudge me my anticipation, OK?’
‘OK,’ I said. I curled into the sofa, closing my eyes, reliving our phone conversation and the orgasms. ‘I’ve thought about us.’
‘You have?’ he said.
‘I have. I’ve thought about it and what we did. I thought about how good it felt and how your voice was like hands on my skin. You weren’t touching me, but you were.’ That made no sense. I shook my head at myself.
‘But when I spoke to you about my dreams, I saw it in my head. I felt like I was touching you. In my mind’s eye, I could see me touching you. I was, for all intents and purposes, Merritt, touching you. And kissing you. And ...’
‘Yes?’ I breathed.
‘Fucking you,’ he said and I made a soft sound. ‘Are you OK?’
‘I feel confused,’ I said.
‘By me?’
‘By life,’ I said. ‘By how profoundly you affect me,’ I admitted.
His laugh was soft and understanding. ‘I can empathise. You affect me very much like a sledgehammer affects stone.’
I had to smile. ‘That’s pretty intense.’
‘Yes, it is.’ But this time I could hear no joke in his voice. ‘Is it getting the other men out of your system that has you at odds?’
He was way more emotionally advanced than any man I’d ever met before. There was no jealousy in his voice, only curiosity. ‘No. I was ready to put that all behind me. At first it was freeing. Then ... not so much.’
‘Then what?’
‘Fear.’
‘Fear is a nasty animal. But one I understand. Sometimes you just need faith.’ His voice was more soothing than any red wine, than any warm blanket, than any hot bath. He was a human pacifier and I let my body relax at his rich tones and kind words.
‘Faith, eh? You sound like you’ve had some experience with that?’
‘When I decided to be an artist, my mother was beside herself. How would it happen? I was not from your country; they had only visited before I was born. When my mother was pregnant with me. But ultimately, I had been born in Romania, I was a foreigner, how would the Americans react to my art? The gargoyles and angels. And then eventually, my very own work. From my soul.’
‘But it’s beautiful,’ I interrupted.
He laughed. ‘Thank you, Merritt. But the point is my mother’s unfounded fears rubbed off on me. Then I met Eugene. Eugene saw my work and said he had to represent me, but he was new. Would I take a chance on him?’
&nbs
p; Eugene had been the one to contact me to work for Penn. To get him organised and a bit more on track. I owed Eugene a beer and a kiss.
‘And you did,’ I said.
‘I did. My first showing with Eugene was at a hospital cafeteria because he had a friend who worked there and let him hang my art on the wall.’
‘What?’ I laughed and covered my mouth. ‘A cafeteria!’
‘Hey, there was a ton of wall space, rich doctors, doctors’ wives. There were small placards put under the work and prices. I sold three paintings and a sculpture of the Archangel Raphael. To doctors’ wives, no less. My next showing was at the hospital’s big charity event. It was host to thousands of doctors from neurologists to cardiologists to rare disease specialists. Eugene took a chance on me and I on him.’
‘And you’re still going strong,’ I said.
‘Our first datewas phone sex from thousands of miles away.’
‘But it was so ...’ I floundered for words.
‘Yes, it was so.And it will be so if you give me a chance to be with you and take you out. And do those things to you, with you, in person.’ His words washed over me like warm water.
‘What things?’ I prompted, smiling against the sofa cushion, running my hands along my belly. A soft thrill worked low in my pelvis, filled my pussy, made me wet.
‘Oh, so you want an update? You’d like to know what I dreamt of last night, would you, missy?’
‘I would,’ I said.
‘Fine. Last night we were in the sunny kitchen of this rental. You had come to Romania to be with me. I was happy.’
I shifted. That statement, simple and unassuming made my heartbeat triple. I sighed. ‘I am sweet that way. Travelling via dreams to foreign lands.’
‘You had those boots on that you described. And I loved them. I kissed the leather like it was our very own skin, burrowing under your short denim dress to push my fingers deep inside your wetness. Push your fingers deep inside yourself for me, Merritt. Pretend it’s me.’
‘I am,’ I said. I pushed my fingers down in my jeans, pushing the fly wide, worming my fingers into my panties. Working them into my slippery opening. ‘I am,’ I breathed.
‘I didn’t put my mouth on you. Mainly because you wanted it. You wanted it so bad, so I used my fingers, fucking you evenly, slowly until you begged me.’
‘But you still didn’t give it to me, did you?’ I said, pulling my own fingers free and stimulating my engorged clit. My hips bucked up of their own accord, my stomach tingling, my nipples painfully hard. I reached up and pinched one. Hard and sharp the way I somehow knew that Penn would.
‘No. I didn’t. I pushed that silly skirt up around your waist and pulled your panties off. Yellow with little blue flowers. So girly and frilly and perfect. I put my cock to the soaked place between your legs and slowly, ever so fucking slowly–’
‘So that I begged and cursed?’
‘Yes. That slowly. I pushed into you. I rocked into you like you were music and I was dancing. I fucked you so your back hit the beautiful tiled backsplash and the heels of your killer boots hit the faded, warped wood of this ancient kitchen table. I slammed into you until I thought I’d leave my own body. You were so hot. So tight. So fucking wet it made my heart hurt and my soul ache. I want you to come for me,’ he said.
‘I will. Will you?’ I worked my fingers in and out of my cunt, making myself pant, straining to hear his hand on his cock, his own orgasm approaching. ‘And just as you were about to come, I pulled free of you.’
I gasped as if it were really happening. As if that were truly my reality even as my fingers flew in slippery patterns at the wet place between my thighs, teasing my clit until I hovered right there, on the verge of coming, but refusing to give it to him – to me – just yet. ‘Why?’
I dropped to my knees and pushed my face to your pussy. So slick and juicy. You tasted like pure arousal. Somehow darker and more intense than when you are not yet ready to be fucked. You tasted like the ripest berry, dark and sweet and intoxicating. I drank you in, Merritt. I drank you like a fine liqueur. I drank you until your little heels beat a victory cadence on the kitchen table and you coated my face and my chin with your sweetness. I drank you until every flicker and spasm and sigh passed and then I came back to you. Buried into your perfect heat.’
I was coming. Sweet spasms that stole my breath and made me gasp and pant like I was dying. He groaned. Joining me. Knowing where I was without me saying. Keeping time with my release. ‘Yes,’ I said.
‘I took you slow then. I took you so slow it was nearly torture. My mouth on your mouth. My hands in your hair and on your perfect breasts. On your waist and cupping your ass and touching you everywhere. All of it. All of you. And when we came ...’
‘We came together.’
‘Yes.’
I smiled. My body giving me little after blips of pleasure that I relished like tiny morsels of the sweetest dessert. ‘I loved that. I love that you can do that to me. For me.’
‘As do I. And tomorrow I come home and then–’
I cut him off and said, ‘I hope you don’t hate me for this, Penn. I know I told you July. I know I said that and I meant it. But I just now realised, how powerful you are to me. Inside me, outside me. In my heart. And my heart ...’
He didn’t sound angry. Intent and curious but not angry. ‘Yes?’
‘It’s been kicked to shit this year. And I’m not bitter. And I’m not confused. But I do need to just sit with myself and figure what I want. I need some time with me. Just me and Merritt. Together.’
Great. I sounded like a crazy woman. I thought the man could almost love me and now I was giving him every reason in the world not to.
‘When can I see you, Merritt? You just say. And until then, I’ll make do.’
I blew out a big breath, feeling both entirely sane and like a lunatic all in the space of one breath. ‘August,’ I said. ‘I need those weeks. I need to just exist. August. Can you do August?’
‘I can do whatever you ask me, Merritt. You’re worth the wait.’
God. I hoped so.
Chapter Twenty-eight
‘WINE,’ LISA SAID, handing me a bottle of really good Cabernet.
‘Thanks,’ I said and waved her in. Before I could even close the door, the two ‘J’s showed up.
‘Wine,’ Jeffrey said, handing me a 1.5 L bottle of Merlot.
‘And wine,’ Jack said, handing me a Syrah. ‘I’m detecting a theme here.’
‘We’ll need it,’ I said. I pointed everyone to the dining room. There’s wine and wine and wine and cheese,’ I said. ‘And some fruit to round it out. It’s a damn act of God that you were all free tonight.’
‘Go figure. A Saturday night and we all had nowhere to be,’ Lisa said, giving me a wry smiled.
I sat as Jack opened the Cab first. Ah, it was good to have family. They knew what your favourites were. ‘I have called you all together because you know of the great experiment. Being a calendar girl, so to speak. Fucking, flirting, fun. A guy a month, tons of sex, and especially, say it with me ...’
No strings, everyone said in unison. I smiled.
‘What of it, Merritt?’ Lisa asked holding up her glass as my big brother, festooned in turquoise, pink lip-gloss and yes, eye shadow, poured her a glass of wine. He poured for everyone, being mother, as Drake would have said. He poured me the biggest glass.
‘I’ve failed,’ I said and spilled it all. Every bit of it. Matthew and the long goodbye. Penn and my odd pull to him. The phone sex. Mom showing up, Drake. My big advice to my ex and how I thought I had to do it myself. Not just talk the talk, but walk the walk as well.
‘So you think you failed,’ Lisa asked.
‘Yes and no. I set out to take a year to find out about me. Turns out I only needed half that time. But ... well, I want to make sure I’m making a good decision for me. So, I’m going to be alone with it until August. Mom’s birthday is in August. August 3rd , if all goes well, I’ll
have a date for her birthday party. Or ... I’ll totally be going stag and be fine with it.’
‘Wait, wait, wait, you crazy bitch,’ Jeffrey said, nibbling cheese and crossing his legs. Clad in sparkly black denim capris, his calves looked phenomenal. The man had the best calves in the world. Taut, muscular, but not too bulgy and not too stringy. ‘You called us all here together on a Saturday night to tell us you’re going to be alone?’
‘You gathered everyone to announce solitude?’ Jack piped in, laughing softly and covering his mouth when I frowned at him.
‘Yes! I am not going to be alone like some damn monk in the mountains,’ I snapped and they all laughed. ‘I mean, men. I am going to be sans men.’
‘But phone sex–’ Lisa started.
‘No. No phone sex. That would be cheating. Right? Well, maybe – no! No, no, no! No nothing. I need to just be with me and sit with my decision. Remember that’s how G-G said it,’ I said to Jack. Our great grandmother, G-G, had always counselled us for difficult decisions to just sit with it.
Jack nodded. He knew what I meant. ‘I got it.’
‘So, we will all be seeing a lot of each other now.’
‘You mean we don’t now?!’ Jeffrey yelped.
‘Oh, zip it. We will be seeing a lot of each other and you will be keeping me on the straight and narrow. No men. Just me and my decision that I need to find out where this thing with Penn is going. Will you help?’
‘Christ,’ Jeffrey said. ‘First we were helping you get laid and get it all out of your system, now we’re helping you not get laid and keep to yourself. Our work is never done.’
Jack laughed and leaned in, kissing Jeffrey on the throat. I swear if Jeffery could blush, he just had. ‘Show offs.’
‘We cannot help our predestined love affair,’ Jeffrey said and turned his face to kiss my brother for real.
‘Bah!’ I said, turning my head and shielding my eyes. ‘Oh my God. Stop, stop, stop it!’
‘Actually, they look pretty right with each other,’ Lisa said calmly.
I put my hand down and looked at them. And yes, those sluts were still kissing! I refused to see my brother and my best friend. I just saw two men who had the hots for each other. And damn if she wasn’t right. They did look pretty perfect.
Calendar Girl - An erotic novel (Xcite Erotic Romance Novels) Page 20