My phone buzzes and I slow down.
runrunrunrunrunrun run run run
Come. To. A. Stop.
I lean forward, hands on my knees and catch my breath.
It's from Astrid.
gd 2 hear frm u, goldfnger on @ movies –
tues @ 8pm, fancy it?
Of course I fancy it.
sounds gd! cu then
13
Goldfinger
The hallway was in darkness and he could hear music playing from upstairs. It sounded like Snow Patrol.
Davie dropped the orange juice.
I'M REALLY NERVOUS despite my new superhero qualities. Did Superman feel like he was going to throw up on his first date with Lois Lane?
Jamesy keeps me company while I wait outside the cinema, although I've already told him he's to keep quiet when Astrid gets here. Okay, none of your funny business tonight, eh? Aye, I know, I know. You insisted on coming along, so it's not my problem if you feel like a gooseberry. I could do with a wee confidence boost actually. Any chance of one before she gets here? Alright, alright, sorry, calm down. I know it's not about giving myself a kick, but I can't help it if that's a side effect, can I?
I'm miles early, so I head up to the box office and buy two tickets. Show Astrid what a gentleman I am. I'm sure it's the kind of trick Alfie would pull. Then I head back to the foyer of the cinema. The double doors slide open three or four times before Jamesy nudges me and I realise that I'm standing too close to the sensor. I head outside and see Astrid heading towards us. She's here. I didn't get stood up.
Fuck, look at her. I never noticed how long her legs were, that skirt she's wearing, Jesus. I'm so nervous I feel like hiding, just ducking out altogether, but those legs... I can't leave those legs.
I look down at myself. Jeans and a t-shirt. One of my best t-shirts, but even so, I still look a bit of a scaff compared to her. I had a shower at least, that's something.
'Hey,' Astrid mouths at me as she waves and heads towards me.
'Alright?' I reply.
'Sorry, am I late? The bus didn't come for ages.'
'Nah, you're fine. We've still got loads of time.'
I look at my watch but don't even take in the time. Try to flash it in her face a bit, tantalise her. Hey, remember that watch you said you liked, I'm wearing it just for you.
Davie, please try not to screw this up. Stop being a tit.
'I hope it's not sold out or anything, it's just a one-off screening.'
'It's cool, I already got us tickets.'
I pull the tickets out of my pocket.
'You shouldn't have,' she hits me on the arm and sort of stamps her foot at the same time.
'Nah, it's fine.'
'Well, I'm getting us snacks then.'
Never buy food at the cinema, Davie boy. I've worked there and I know what goes on. We used to put the tins of cheese sauce through the dishwasher just to save time heating them up.
'After you.'
I follow her through the sliding doors and we head over to the snacks.
'Sweet or salted?' Astrid asks.
'I don't mind.'
'Honestly? Okay, salt then. Back home I always go for butter, but you guys don't seem to do that over here.'
I just don't okay, come on, I don't even want popcorn anymore, let's just go into the film.
I follow her over to the juice. Me and my shadow. She fills a cup with Fanta from the self-serve juice machine.
'Oops, should have put the ice in first, huh?' she says.
She pushes the cup against the lever on the ice machine and juice splashes over the side of the cup as the blocks of ice fall in. She runs her tongue along her fingers, covered in sticky Fanta, and I have to turn away before I get too turned on. I pretend to be interested in the big popcorn machine in the centre of the food court, churning out popcorn. Astrid's scent mixes in with the warm, crunchy smell. I'm hungry and horny.
'Screen number four,' a guy says as he tears the tickets and hands them back to me. I tuck the stubs into my back pocket and we head through to the screen. The adverts have already started but the lights are still on. We climb the stairs and take a seat near the back. Not the actual back row, but nearer the back than the front. Does that mean anything?
She takes her jacket off and puts it on the empty seat next to her.
He imagined slipping his hands inside it and pulling her towards him.
She's wearing a lumberjack shirt and there's a beaded necklace round her neck. The beads are like marbles, threaded onto a red ribbon, I follow them from her bare neck as they hang down and rest just above her boobs. I've got a semi and I squirm in my seat trying to hide it and get comfy all at the same time.
Kissin' in the back row of the movies.
'Help yourself, okay?' Astrid says as she puts the juice in her seat cup-holder. I reach over and take a handful of popcorn out of the tub she's holding.
'Cheers.'
'So, how's it going anyway?' she asks.
'Not too bad, eh? Just working away. How about you? Up to anything exciting?'
'Well, it was my flatmate's birthday yesterday, so that was fun. Not too much I guess. I had a paper due so I've been in the library most of the week, pretty boring.'
A sliver of popcorn kernel is stuck in my teeth and I try to dislodge it without her noticing. I don't want to smile a big toothy grin at her, with crap stuck between my teeth.
'Oh, I really wanna see this,' Astrid says as a trailer for the new Danny Boyle film comes on.
'Aye, looks good,' I reply.
The cinema is almost half-full and more people come in as the trailers are playing. The smell of nachos wafts along the row towards me, as someone sits across the aisle from me and Astrid. That runny, cheese gloop gives me the boak. Inconsiderate bastard. The smell is so strong, it's drowning out Astrid's scent.
'I love Bond films, huh?' says Astrid.
'Aye, definitely.'
'Especially Sean Connery, he's the best Bond by miles.'
'Totally, he's a bit of a wanker in real life, like, but he's a great James Bond.'
'Aww, what's wrong with him?'
'Ach, I just can't be arsed with all the tax dodging he's up to. Keeps prattling on about the SNP and that but can't be arsed to live in Scotland himself.'
'Ooh, you're getting all political.'
'Aye, that's not a good thing. Let's change the subject, eh?'
'Sure, so who's your favourite Bond girl?'
'Eh, I guess it would have to be Ursula Andress.'
'Obvious, but classic.'
'That's me.'
The chat's coming naturally and I'm starting to relax, have a good time. It feels weird.
You shouldn't feel guilty because you're having fun, because you're laughing. He wouldn't want that.
The lights start to go down and the name of the film flashes up on the screen.
'Good luck,' Astrid whispers in my ear. Her breath coats the side of my face, candy floss clingy and sweet. Fuck, my semi's growing.
Hard on.
I turn my head and try to pick out the bit of popcorn from my teeth. My fingernails are too bitten down though.
Bond appears and shoots the audience, blood runs down the screen and Shirley starts warbling.
'Is this not supposed to be in colour?' Astrid leans across and whispers. I hadn't even noticed. Astrid's hair brushes my ear. I can smell her perfume now and I can hardly process my answer, I'm drowning in candy lipsticks.
'Eh, I'm not sure. Was it maybe originally black and white? I can't think.'
I can't think straight when I'm around her. End up looking like an idiot because I can't get my brain to work. I realise my knee's bouncing up and down. It's a nervous tic, making the seats rock. I lay my jacket over my knees. Stop, Davie, stop.
She made his mind go tongue-tied. His stomach did backflips.
'Um, it was made, when? The sixties, huh?'
'Aye, must be, yeah, it should be in colour then, won
der what's up with it?'
'Maybe it's like The Wizard of Oz and it'll suddenly burst into colour.'
'Yeah, with a couple of singing munchkins.'
'You goof!' Astrid hits me on the shoulder.
It's terrifying being this close to her. Great, but terrifying.
We both turn back to look at the screen. Jamesy is trying to get my attention, but I ignore him. Three's a crowd.
The guy in the row in front of us gets up and leaves the cinema. Maybe he's away to complain about the colour? I'm not sure I care all that much, as I'm finding it hard to concentrate on the film. Not with the glorious technicolour sitting next to me. I can still feel where her hair brushed my ear. It's tickly and I want to itch it, but I don't want the feeling to leave me. It's all I can focus on.
'Is that your phone?' Astrid asks.
Jamesy is fucking about in my pocket. He's practically shaking the entire row of seats with his mad vibrations.
'Aye, sorry,' I reply and take Jamesy out of my pocket. I shove him down the side of the chair. Shut it, I'll speak to you later. Watch your namesake for now.
James Bond is fighting someone. We're only ten minutes in and I've lost the plot. Halfway through the fight, the film cuts out and the screen goes blank. A few people look around in confusion.
'Well, that was good, eh?' I say.
'Wonder what's happened?'
'I think that guy in front might have gone to complain about the colour thing.'
'Oh, right.'
We sit in silence for a few minutes before a man in a suit appears and stands at the bottom of the stairs in the centre aisle. He reminds me of Barney Rubble.
'Excuse me, folks, can I have your attention for a second?' he says waving his hand in the air, 'sorry for the interruption, I'm sure you all know that Goldfinger's meant to be in colour. It's gold for one thing.'
'Told you,' Astrid slaps my knee, 'man, we're so dumb. The clue's in the title.'
'We're just having a few technical hitches,' the man continues, 'but the guys in the back are working on it. It might take a few minutes, so if anyone wants a refund the folks at the box office will sort you out. I hope you'll stay and enjoy the film though. Thanks, folks.'
'I guess we just wait then, huh?' Astrid says.
'Aye.'
'I think your cell phone's ringing again, I can feel it through the chair.'
'Sorry, it's my MP3 player, I think it's broken.'
I pull Jamesy out of the gap in the seat. He's not impressed at being stuffed down there. Thinks I'm being irresponsible. Helping people is more important than impressing a pretty girl.
I glance around me. It's the guy with the nachos that Jamesy's so interested in. Just go and take his nachos off him, that'll help him more than any song.
Come on, Jamesy, for fuck sake. What am I supposed to say to Astrid? I don't want to freak her out on our first date.
I help myself to some Fanta, sook it up through the straw. The straw Astrid has used. It's almost like we're kissing.
'Man, that's really broken, huh?' Astrid nods at Jamesy.
'Aye, I dropped it the other day, think I knocked something out of place.'
I put Jamesy in my jacket pocket. Give me a break. We had a deal. Okay, I had a deal, but it only works if you play along. I'm not treating you like a game, I'm just asking you to give me a break.
The film doesn't look like coming on anytime soon. Maybe I can give that guy a song and get back to Astrid before it starts again? What could I tell her to get away? You can at least give me an idea, Jamesy, it's you causing all the fucking bother here.
'Oh my God, that's Eddie,' I point at the nachos guy.
As Astrid turns to look at him he drops a blob of fluorescent yellow cheese down his front. He scrapes it off his t-shirt with a nacho and then sticks the whole lot in his mouth.
'The guy with the cheese?'
'Aye, he used to work at Virgin. Not seen him in ages, do you mind if I go and say hello?'
'Sure, no problem.'
I stand but it's against my will. What am I doing? I'm on a date with a gorgeous girl and I'm going to speak to fat Eddie. Jesus. You owe me Jamesy, you fucking owe me.
Astrid stands and I squeeze past her. Just as she sits down again, the film starts up.
'Oh, too late,' Astrid grabs my arm and spins me back round into my seat.
Oh well. No point being pissed off, Jamesy. There's nothing I can do about it. You'll just have to try and be patient.
The film's back at the start again and in colour. Red blood flows down the screen instead of grey.
'Oh, I got a shock off you there, that MP3 player is dangerous.'
'Sorry, it might have been the carpet static.'
'Maybe you've just got an electric touch.'
Fuck. Is she flirting with me? Jamesy's not impressed. He's not really warming to Astrid. I stick him on the empty seat next to me and put my jacket over the top of him. The film's on now, so you'll just have to wait. I'll get him on the way out. I know how Spiderman felt now. With great power.
The film's on for about five minutes when it suddenly switches back into black and white. I peer at the screen over the top of my glasses. It's not just my eyes, is it? People around us are tutting and sighing. The guy in front of us turns and stares at the projection room, giving them the evil eye, as if that's going to help.
'Man, what a joke, huh?' says Astrid.
'I know, I can't believe this.'
Jamesy, will you stop shouting at me. You're ruining everything. If I go will you shut the fuck up? Okay, okay. I'm going. I'm going.
'Would you mind if I say hello to Eddie now? Sorry, I promise I'll be quick.'
'Oh yeah, cool.'
You owe me big time, Jamesy boy. You're getting it all your own way as usual. I squeeze past her again and her hand brushes my shoulder. Man, she's going to think I'd rather speak to the cheese guy than her. I can feel her eyes watching me as I approach him. I try to hide him from view, so she won't see the blank stare he gives me when I say hello.
'Excuse me,' I say and take the chair next to him. I swivel round so I'm facing him, still trying to block him from Astrid.
'Yeah?'
He clutches his nachos. I can't tell if he's afraid I'm going to steal them or if he's planning on using them as a weapon.
'This is going to sound totally mad, but can you pretend that you know me?'
'Why?'
He pulls the nachos closer towards him. The plastic tray is steamed up with condensation. The smell obliterates all trace of candy lipstick and I really fucking hate this guy. This poor guy. In a bad place and I'm hating him for dragging me away from my date.
'I'm trying to impress that lassie over there.'
I point to Astrid, who's looking over at us. She waves and we both wave back.
'No wonder, she's really hot.'
'Aye, she is, isn't she?'
What the hell am I doing over here with you, when she's sitting there alone? Get on with it, just play the song and go.
'Anyway, so can you put these headphones on and I'll play you a song.'
'Sorry, what? I thought you were pretending to know me?'
'Aye, I am, but this is part of it all. It's all a bit complicated, to be honest. Too long to explain. Basically, it's a new feature of the cinema. If you can name the song, you win a prize.'
'You don't work for the cinema.'
'Aye, well, technically not, but I'm a promoter for this British Film season we're having.'
Jamesy starts to laugh. I never used to be able to lie like this, with such fucking arrogance. I can come up with all sorts of crap these days, right off the top of my head and people buy it. It's all about the delivery.
'But, you just told me you were trying to impress that girl.'
'Aye, I am. We work together. I told her I could get you to win a prize.'
'But, then why did I have to pretend to know you?'
'Look, do you want to try and win a prize o
r not? If the film starts, it'll be too late.'
'Are you the ones who keep stopping the film, because that's really starting to piss me off.'
Man, you are starting to really piss me off, cheese guy.
'Come on, it's one customer per film.'
'What's the prize?'
'Eh, a goodie bag, with a DVD and that in it, you can collect it at the box office after the film.'
For fuck sake, Jamesy. Seriously? You're interrupting my date with Astrid for this guy?
'Aye, okay. Hand them over.'
Hallefuckinglujah.
I feel a slight tinge of satisfaction, as the guy covers Jamesy's headphones in salty crumbs and salsa. What was that about making sacrifices, Jamesy boy?
Downtown by Petula Clark Downtown by Petula Clark Downtown by Petula Clark Downtown by Petula Clark
'I know this, this one's easy,' the guy says.
His tub of nachos slides off his knee and hits the floor. The cheese sauce splatters across his shoes, but he doesn't even notice. The lights go down and the film starts up, but I'm stuck here until the song finishes. My hands are glued to Jamesy, I don't think I could let go, even if I tried. The guy looks really young as he's sitting there, it's as if his wrinkles have slid down his face and fallen off. It smells like being at the hairdresser's and damp dog all rolled into one.
I know this one. You used to sing it to me when I was a kid. I'd forgotten how you used to do that.
My hands are still dirty from digging the hole. I can see the muck under my fingernails and buried in the lines of my hands like they're an ordnance survey map. I could do with that old nail brush you used to have, you'd scrub it over the Imperial Leather before scraping my hands clean. Nobody seems to use nail brushes anymore.
The house has been so quiet the last couple of days. I had to get out of there. I kept going back to the kitchen window and looking out at the mound of dirt in the garden.
My last link to you.
His mind's still willing, the vet said, his mind is still willing but his body just can't keep up anymore. I stroked his head and scratched his ears, while the vet did what he had to do. Sam's nose pushed into my hand and he was shaking. Blind and deaf, but somehow he knew something was wrong, that someone else was there. There's still dog hairs all over the sofa, all over the carpet, all over my clothes. I can't bring myself to hoover them up.
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