What next then? Something decent, please. No, not that. Your playlist should be re-named 'Now That's What I Call A Load Of Pish Volume Three'. Aye, I know it's not meant to be for me, but I still have to hear it. They'll think I listen to this music. That I actually like it. What was that I said before about superheroes and sacrifices?
He knew how Spiderman felt now. With great power.
I hope they get bored of the disco soon. Before my ears start bleeding. The buffet is teasing me, I could do with some food now that the hangover is starting to go. Playing DJ seems to be curing me better than any drugs or coffee could. The hangover is lifting, leaving me behind.
Those marshmallow cakes with Smarties chocced on top look good, I could eat the Smarties off the top and stuff the marshmallows in my ears to drown out the shite music. I can't let go of Jamesy though. I'm stuck here as long as the disco is on.
I wink at Pammy, who's right in the thick of things. Dancing away with her wee pals. They run. Slide on their knees. Spin. Jump. Sing. Wotsits are crunched under patent leather shoes, juice spilt from flailing arms holding plastic cups. The music is perfect for them, even if I hate it myself. Okay, okay, I admit it. You know your stuff, Jamesy. We make a great team, you and I.
Every so often, one of the mums sticks her head around the door and smiles or gives me the thumbs up. I'm pretty sure they all think I'm gay. A non-rugby fan who has Girls Aloud, High School Musical and Scissor Sisters on his MP3 player. Ach well, at least they like me now. I've saved the party.
Trackman Trackman Trackman Trackman Trackman Trackm
The fight with Martha flashes through my head, but I push it away. I can't do anything about that now. I'll sort it out later. I'm enjoying myself far too much to worry about that.
Sugababes Push The Button by Sugababes Push the Button by Sugababes Push The Button by Sugababes Pus
I really need to get to Asda this afternoon, how long before I can leave?
Save A Life by The Fray How To Save A Life by The Fray How To
Davie's acting really weird. It's like he was after Lewis died.
Crazy by Gnarls Barkley Crazy by Gnarls Barkley Crazy by Gnar
Mum promised she wouldn't fight with dad on my birthday.
Avril Lavigne Girlfriend by Avril Lavigne Girlfriend by Avril
Does Lorna know about me and Pete? That's why she wouldn't let me drive him to get the laptop?
Stop Me Now by Mcfly Don't Stop Me Now by Mcfly Don't Stop Me
If Hilary hadn't sucked me off in the office last night, I would have remembered to bring that fucking laptop home.
by Justin Timberlake SexyBack by Justin Timberlake SexyBack
Why won't Mummy tell me who phoned her last night? I'm not allowed to tell Uncle Davie she was crying.
Grace Kelly by Mika Grace Kelly by Mika Grace Kelly by Mika
I don't know what's wrong but we just keep fighting at the moment, even Josie's noticing it.
Soldiers by Eminem Like Toy Soldiers by Eminem Like Toy
We need to stop but I can't get enough of him.
View Same Jeans by The View Same Jeans by The View Same Jeans
I'm going to end it, before Lorna finds out.
You Look Good On The Dancefloor by The Arctic Monkeys I Bet
I wanted to tell him about Colin phoning me in the middle of the night, but I don't know if he can handle my problems as well as his at the moment.
The Pussycat Dolls Don't Cha by The Pussycat Dolls Don't Cha
I'm scared he's going to leave me.
Out Of My Head by Kylie Minogue Can't Get You Out Of My Head
Uncle Davie's watching me dance, cartwheel, handstand, did he see that? Yeah, he's still watching me.
I Fall To Pieces by Razorlight Before I Fall To Pieces by Raz
This party's not as bad as I thought it was going to be. Is Susan's cousin single?
The Automatic Monster by The Automatic Monster by The Automat
I'll book that B&B in Pitlochry, take Lorna away on her own for the weekend, try and sort things out.
Love You Less and Less by The Kaiser Chiefs Everyday I Love
I need to stop losing my temper at him, no wonder he spends all his time at the office.
Told Me by The Killers Somebody Told Me by The Killers Someb
Lorna's my friend for fuck sake, what am I doing?
(Is This The Way To) Amarillo by Tony Christie (Is This The
Mummy says I get to have cake soon and blow out all the candles.
Smile by Lily Allen Smile by Lily Allen Smile by Lily Allen
Not long to go until Pammy and I visit Mum and Dad, I can't wait to get away from here for a while, I just hope Davie's okay on his own, I still haven't told him we're going so soon.
Mamma Mia by Abba Mamma Mia by Abba Mamma Mia by Abba Mamma
If I could just get him to come with me, it would do him good to get out of Edinburgh.
Baby One More Time by Britney Spears Baby One More Time by Br
Pete hasn't kissed me like that in a long time, I almost dropped the cake.
Happy Birthday Song Happy Birthday Song Happy Birthday Song
cake cake cake time looks good want to kiss him sort this small piece Davie Susan's cousin Uncle Davie one go big piece David over.
Josie by Donovan Josie by Donovan Josie by Donovan Josie by
My hands are killing me. They usually hurt after one song, but this extended mix is burning right down to the marrow.
Against my better judgement my foot taps in time to the tunes, and I almost feel like getting up and having a wee boogie myself.
I'm not even worried when I see Susan approaching me with a beer, and she doesn't look happy.
'What are you up to?' she asks. 'Here, Lorna said I'd to bring you a beer.'
'Stick it down, will you? The player's got a loose connection and if I let go the music'll stop.'
'Is that Alfie's player you got in such a fuss about a couple of weeks ago?'
She puts the beer down next to me. It looks so cool and refreshing. Ice Cold in Alex. I could plunge my hands right into the glass.
'I thought you said you were giving it back to Alfie? Is it even safe with that loose connection? What if you electrocute someone?'
'It's fine, Susan, and look at Pammy, she's loving it.'
Pammy is using a breadstick as a microphone and is singing along to That's Not My Name by The Ting Tings.
'Besides,' I say, 'they all love me now, I'm working wonders for you, girl.'
Is it the buzz from Jamesy, or am I just topping up the alcohol levels from last night? Whatever it is, I feel totally alive. I'm up for chatting away to people, dancing. I'm the life and soul of the fucking party.
The Proclaimers I'm Gonna Be (500 miles) by The Proclaimers I'm Gonna Be (500 miles) by The Proclaim
Susan raises one eyebrow at me.
'Aren't you going to skip that one?' she asks.
I wish I could. As a Hearts supporter, it pains me to listen to that Hibee twosome singing their pish, but I can't do anything. I'll be having words with Jamesy later about his song choice.
I shrug my shoulders at Susan.
'I can't change it, it's stuck on some playlist.'
'There's something not right about that thing.'
'What can I say? It's Alfie's.'
Susan gives me a look and grabs a sausage roll before leaving the room.
She passes Lorna on the way out, who heads towards me, leans over and whispers in my ear.
'I'm going to bring the cake in.'
'No bother,' I reply. Hear that, Jamesy? Cake time.
The adults start to gather in the dining room, and the lights are dimmed. Jamesy stops playing but I know he's not finished yet. I can feel him in my hands. Waiting. Waiting.
Lorna enters the room carrying the cake, six candles on top. Jamesy begins his encore.
Birthday Song Happy Birthday Song Happy Birthday S
Everyone joins in and Josie blows out the candles. T
he lights are switched on, and Lorna nods at Jamesy.
'It was my pal's birthday the other week there, not had a chance to delete it yet,' I lie, avoiding eye contact with Susan.
Happy Birthday is followed by For She's a Jolly Good Fellow and then Josie by Donovan. The kids all troop off at this one. Old. Boring. Don't know the words. Then Jamesy is off stage. He shuts down in my hands and I slump back in the chair. I'm fucking knackered, my hands sting but I'm buzzing like I've been to an all night rave. Afterglow.
I'm centre of attention for the rest of the party. They love me. I'm chatty, funny, even attractive apparently, some woman gropes me on my way back from the toilet.
'You're welcome back anytime,' Lorna says to me, and leans in to kiss me on the cheek as we're leaving. I hold my jacket over my hands so that nobody can see the mess of them. They're red and aching.
'Thanks, no bother, eh?' I reply as I get into the car with Susan and Pammy.
Pammy blethers non-stop all the way home about the party. Susan doesn't say anything. I can't decide if she's listening to Pammy or thinking about something.
I sit on my hands in the car; the pressure helps with the pain.
'Cheers, Susan,' I say as she pulls up outside the flat.
She turns to face me and I can guess what's coming. I know that face.
'Sorry for having a go at you earlier. Are you sure you're okay?'
'Aye, I'm fine, still a bit hung-over but that's all.'
'No, I don't mean that. I just mean, I'm worried about you. You're acting a bit strange.'
'I think I'm a bit drunk.'
'No, it's not that. It's, well, the MP3 player. And going out drinking after work. It's not like you.'
'I just want to start being a normal guy again, eh? Go out for a drink after work and not freak out.'
'I know, I think that's great. I just, well you know I worry.'
'Seriously, Susan, it's cool. I'm okay. It's under control.'
16
At the Zoo
The Irish guy said he'd been at school with Gary Lightbody out of Snow Patrol. Said Gary got bullied for being too sensitive and writing poetry. And now look at him. Who's laughing now? You just need to stick in, Lewey, let it wash over you.
Davie dropped the orange juice.
I DON'T EXPECT Alfie to be anywhere except his room when I get in, but he's sitting on the sofa smoking a joint and watching what looks like Come Dine With Me. Must be giving himself a break from his inventing.
The air around the sofa is shrouded in smoke. Alfie has dragged a chair through from his bedroom, still has some of his clothes draped over the back of it, and he's using it as a footstool.
I'm really happy to see him. We've not sat and had a laugh for ages. I'm still hyped up from what happened at the party, and I feel like sitting up all night and talking shite like we used to when we first moved in.
Exactly, Davie boy, exactly. I knew there was a reason I moved in with you.
My hands are still aching a bit, but I hardly feel it against the high that's still washing through me. I could do anything right now.
'Hey,' I say.
'Hey, how's it going?' he replies.
'Not bad, eh?'
'Where have you been? Working?'
'Nah, I had to go to this kid's party with Susan, keep her company, eh?'
Alfie scooches up on the couch, and I squeeze my arse in next to his.
'This posh lassie is making beef stroganoff for dinner, but the rest of the guests all fucking hate her. It's so funny.'
It takes me a few seconds to work out that's he talking about Come Dine With Me. He sits next to me giggling away as the voice-over guy makes sarcastic comments about the lassie's cooking. Alfie's not wrong about her being posh. I watch it for just a few minutes and she's already starting to piss me off, with her chat about her fifteen horses and her many kitchen gadgets bought for her by her rich boyfriend.
'I'm hoping there's going to be a huge barney at the dinner table,' Alfie says and hands me the joint and the ashtray, 'I want someone to tip that pavlova over her head.'
I hold the joint in front of me, just looking at the wisps of smoke rising from the tip of the cigarette. Should I?
He'd woken up feeling sick and with a burning throat.
I hold it to my mouth and inhale, relax into heaviness and sink into the couch. I take another draw, a bigger one this time and hold it in for longer before I exhale. I remember why I used to be so addicted to this. Everything goes a little fuzzy around the edges: a drawing with the black outlines rubbed out. The calm hash feeling nuzzles against the buzz from Jamesy. Bliss. I take another couple of drags before handing the joint back to Alfie.
'What have you done to yourself?' Alfie asks nodding at my hands.
'I think I fell last night, can't remember to be honest.'
There's a stray fleck of tobacco stuck to my tongue and I try to grab it with my fingertips.
'Aye, where were you last night? I heard you come in.'
'I just went for a few drinks with Martha after work.'
'Oh aye, something going on there? I always thought she fancied you.'
Martha. I'd forgotten about her what with all the DJ action. Fuck it. I don't even care about the fight anymore, I'm sure it's cool. Next time I see her we'll apologise and laugh about it. No big deal.
How much does Alfie know about what did actually happen between Martha and me? About what happened to Lewis? He started working at Virgin after the fallout had cleared and he wasn't there for all that long. Just a few months. Neither of us have ever mentioned it. Shop gossip though, he's bound to have heard something.
'Nah, nah,' I say, 'it's not like that. I'm actually seeing some lassie called Astrid.'
I don't know if it's the hash or the high of what happened with Jamesy earlier, but there's a confidence surging through me that I've never felt before. I really do feel like I could do anything. I've been on one, pretty disastrous date with Astrid, and here I am bragging about her to Alfie.
'Astrid, eh? You're a dark horse, how long's that been going on for?'
'Well, not all that long really, I need to text her and arrange to meet up but I can't think of where to go. I want it to be somewhere cool.'
I can't believe I'm coming out with this shite. Fair enough, she did tell me to call her after our one and only date, and she did text me back last night, but up until now I didn't think I was ever going to do it. Tonight I'm feeling totally different though. I'm ready to phone her right now and get a second date organised.
'I'm going to see Ballboy play at Cab Vol on Thursday night, why don't you both come to that? Saint Jude's are supporting.'
He passes me the joint again.
'No offence, Alfie,' I say inhaling and then blowing the smoke between us, 'I'm keeping her as far away from you as possible.'
He grins at me and reaches under the sofa for his video box, then starts to roll up.
'Come on, I'm a decent guy, I wouldn't hit on her.'
'It's not that I'm worried about. You wouldn't need to hit on her. Lassies just gravitate towards you like you're some sort of walking cock.'
He laughs and drops the half-rolled joint. The tips of his fingers are stained from where he's been burning the block of hash and crumbling it like biscuit onto the tobacco.
'Come on, give that here,' I say, 'you're too stoned to make a decent joint.'
I take the box off him and finish what he's started. I roll up the joint and lick the shiny edge of the skin to get it to stick. Then I rip a piece of card off the Rizla packet and make it into a roach. I light the joint and suck on it a few times to make sure it's working, then hand it over to Alfie. Something burns my belly, and I look down and notice a hot rock has burned a hole right through my t-shirt.
'The zoo!' Alfie shouts. I look at him and we both start laughing.
'What the fuck?' I say.
'Take that Alice chick to the zoo. I did that once and all the shagging animals were a real tur
n-on, almost like watching a porno.'
'You are fucking disgusting, and it's Astrid not Alice.'
'Whatever. Either way, I'm telling you, the zoo is a great place to pick up girls.'
'I don't need to pick up girls, I just need to take a girl on a date somewhere.'
'Yeah, yeah, trust me, Davie boy, the zoo, the zoo.'
Alfie pats his nose with his index finger, like he's sharing a great secret with me. We sit in silence, passing the joint back and forth. The zoo idea buzzes at the front of my head. I start to think that Alfie might be onto something. Fantasies build: walking hand-in-hand with Astrid, eating ice-cream, laughing at the hilarious animal japes that we see. Hmmm, the zoo could actually work. I take my phone out of my jeans and scroll to Astrid in the phone book.
Hey u free 2moro? Fancy goin 2 the zoo wit me? D x
Send.
I read the message over in my sent items box. It feels like someone else wrote it. It's Freaky Friday and Alfie and I have switched bodies. I have never signed my name 'D' before in a text message. And I put a kiss. What the fuck was I thinking? I've just asked her straight out to come to the zoo with me. Tomorrow. No pussy-footing around the subject.
No 'I know you're probably busy but…'
No 'don't worry if you can't make it but…'
No 'I was wondering if maybe you'd…'
I put my phone down on the coffee table and there's a reply. Instant. The phone rattles against the table and I jump.
'Fuck, that was quick,' I say.
'You just about shat yourself there, Davie boy.'
Cool, sounds like fun, meet u there @ 12? X
Fucking hell. I really do have superpowers.
Gr8 cu then x
'Cheers Alfie, I now have a date at the zoo tomorrow.'
'Who with, the gorilla?'
Poor guy, he looks sad, said Lewis.
Davie hadn't noticed before, but now he looked at the gorilla more closely. He did look sad.
'Aye, very good.'
'Sorry, what did I tell you though? The zoo is the place to go on a date.'
He blows a smoke ring into the air and tries to hoopla it onto his big toe. The ring disintegrates around his bare feet and he kicks the smoke away.
This is the first time in ages that I've felt almost content. Getting stoned, having a laugh with my mate, got a date with a hot girl, helping people with Jamesy. Things are starting to move in a different direction, and I'm liking it.
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