This is like the cheese guy. It doesn't feel right. Where's the zzzhhmmmm? Where's my boost?
A bumble bee is crawling across the table, I hadn't noticed it before. She sees me looking at it and holds up a saucer of strawberry jam. There's a cotton bud sitting in the saucer; the cotton-wool part has been pulled off one end and replaced with a blob of jam.
'You can bring a dying bee back to life by feeding it jam,' she says, 'I found him lying on the path out there.'
The bee is buzzing as it wanders around the table. It's hypnotic and fills the room. It makes my lips itch.
Davie took the comb and tried to copy his grandpa. He couldn't do it though. The paper made his lips tickle and he rubbed at them with the comb, trying to scratch the itchiness away. Davie put two Penguin biscuits down on the table. It was time to pass on some wisdom to his little brother.
The bee looks drunk and zig-zags across the plate of biscuits, like a wino trying to cross the road.
'It takes them a while to get their strength back,' she says and strokes the bee's furry body with her pinkie.
'Burra, burra,' she says, and the bee buzzes like a contented cat.
I finish my juice and biscuit, and put Jamesy away. I'm woozy and I have to hold on to the table for support. Everything's shimmering round the edges.
Dream sequence.
This isn't real. It doesn't feel solid.
What's in those biscuits? I've been drugged.
'You're so young this time,' she looks at me, 'you're the youngest one I've met.'
'Youngest what?'
'What caused so much pain so young?'
I feel like I'm sinking. Low and aching at the loss of something I never had to begin with. I'm missing something. Something is missing.
I need to get out of here.
I climb over the bench and stumble towards the door. She grabs my hands as I go past, and rubs the rectangular scar with her fingers.
'Not long to go now, Trackman.'
'What did you call me?'
She whispers something at the bee; its wings vibrate and it takes off from the table.
Bzzzzzz.
Where's my buzz, Jamesy? This is all wrong, something is missing.
The bee flies towards me and I duck, instinctively closing my eyes. It dodges past my head and drones in my ear. It knows something I don't. I follow it out into the garden, out into the fresh air.
18
Downer
Lewis was always writing poems and stories. After they both got too old for the radio show, Lewis moved onto a home-made newspaper. It was pretty good stuff, even if the subject matter was always kind of depressing.
Davie dropped the orange juice.
FUCKING HELL, JAMESY, what was all that about? She acted like she knew me, like she'd met me before. It was weird, made me feel all funny, and not in a good way. I mean, I get the importance of making sure that bees don't die out, but feeding them jam? Yeah, I know it worked, that's not the point. She scared me. Is that some sort of payback for being with Astrid? Like the cheese guy, I get punished for wanting to spend time with her? For being happy.
I don't deserve to be happy when he can't.
You might have warned me about those fucking cookies too, I think there was something in them. I feel really weird, kind of sick but kind of sleepy at the same time. It's not good, not good at all.
Time stood still in there, I'm sure it did. We were only in there for twenty minutes, but it felt like hours. I don't even remember what we were doing before we went in there. That kitchen was like the wardrobe to Narnia.
What am I doing again?
Oh aye, Susan.
Fuck, I'd forgotten about that, she's going to kill me.
I speed-walk to the bus stop and catch the next one heading her way. I can't shake this weird feeling, it's been hanging over me since I left Astrid, but it's worse since we helped that woman.
Where's the buzz, Jamesy? I know I keep asking you that, but you never explain. What's happening to me? I'm the Trackman, why don't I feel great right now? What's up with this whole downer feeling? This splashdown. This crash. It's like, almost like I sucked the bad feelings right out of that woman. Why do you never explain? Tell me what's going on.
I want to lie along the back row of the bus and go to sleep. I'm drained, what a come down. I don't know if I can face Susan right now, not if she's going to shout at me. I want to sleep.
I hope she's okay. She sounded pretty upset on the phone. Plus that weird message about Colin. If he's done anything to her or Pammy. He's a fucking bully, and I hate bullies.
I'm just going up to Paul's house.
You know, I sort of feel sorry for him, in a warped kind of way. It's not all his fault, Susan said, drinking from her glass of wine.
How do you work that one out?
He didn't have a good time growing up, his dad used to hit him and slap his mum around. If he cried, his dad told him he was pathetic, a wimp, not a real man.
You're breaking my heart, Susan, you really are.
I'm just saying, it's no wonder he turned out the way he has.
If anything he should know better, he knows what it's like to be on the receiving end. Bullies are dangerous, you know what they can do.
I know, he can be so good sometimes though. He could be so good. I always think of that nursery rhyme, you know, when she was good, she was very, very good, when she was bad, she was horrid.
Ring a ring a roses.
Susan, you're too nice for your own good, the guy's a dick, he's no good.
I know, you're right, I just, I think about Pammy growing up without a daddy, you know.
Better no daddy, than a daddy who treats her mum like shite.
They'd both spent the day in court. Colin got two and a half years for domestic abuse, possessing a class A drug and some other petty offences.
Colin's sister spat at Susan as they left the court.
I always knew you were a wee hoor, I telt Colin what a lying bitch you were, got pregnant on purpose.
Susan held onto Davie's arm as they walked away, I feel like I'm in an episode of fucking Jeremy Kyle, how did I end up like this?
Pammy spent the night at a friend's house so Davie and Susan got a bottle of wine and a Chinese.
I just want to get this day off me, Susan said pouring herself another glass of wine.
Davie wasn't meant to be drinking on the pills he was taking, but he had a glass of wine anyway.
You sure? Susan asked.
Aye, fuck it. One's not going to hurt.
Susan fell asleep on the couch, and Davie just left her there. He took the duvet off her bed and covered her with it. Her lips and teeth were stained from the red wine, it looked like her gums were bleeding.
In a parallel universe, Lewis is still alive, Colin is a loving dad and husband, and I'm still in bed with Astrid.
The curtains are all shut when I head up Susan's driveway. She hasn't phoned me to say piss off, so I assume she'll let me in. Deep down, I think everyone's fucking overreacting. I'm a grown man and a couple of nights of passion have been turned into some melodramatic mountain out of a molehill. Deep down, I also know the reasons for the over-reaction.
Davie, let me in. Unlock the door. I need a pee. What are you doing in there? You've been ages. Davie? Davie, let me in! Open this door.
I just want a simple life.
Fuck knows, all I've ever wanted was a simple life.
I stand in front of the door, my head's really not in the right place for this. My finger hovers over the doorbell. One finger, one finger, one finger, one finger. I push it and hear it ring inside the house. The door opens and Pammy looks out from behind the security chain.
'It's you, Uncle Davie,' she says.
She disappears and I hear her dragging something towards the door. She undoes the chain, and is standing on a chair facing me when the door opens.
'Hey, Pammy.'
'Why have you got a beard now?'
'It's not a beard,' I smooth the hair down on her head, 'I've just not shaved for a couple of days.'
'Mummy's in a bad mood with you.'
'I know, I'm here to say sorry.'
'Mummy says you should never go to bed angry.'
'She's right.'
Pammy takes my hand and leads me along the hall towards the living room. Susan is sitting on the sofa reading a magazine and doesn't look up at me. I linger in the doorway.
'Susan, I'm sorry, I stuffed up, okay.'
Susan shuts her magazine and puts it down next to her. She gets up and walks to the front door, where she puts the chain back on and locks the door, then she walks back into the living room.
'Pammy, sweetheart, can you go up to your room for a wee while, so Mummy can speak to Uncle Davie?'
'But I want to stay too.'
'Pammy.'
Susan uses that voice she has, the one that should be obeyed, and I feel like turning round and following Pammy out of there too.
'Do you have any idea what I've been through the last couple of days?'
'If I'd known you were going to be so worried, I would have phoned. It's not like we haven't gone a few days without talking before. I've said sorry, okay. How many times do you want me to say it?'
'At least act as if you mean it, Davie.'
'I do fucking mean it.'
'And don't fucking swear at me in my own house.'
I sit on the chair facing her. Something digs into my arse, and I pull one of Pammy's dolls out from under the cushion.
'I don't feel like I know you right now.'
I shrug my shoulders.
'You don't care about anyone but yourself.'
'Come on, that's not fair.'
The last couple of days is the only time I've thought about myself recently. Fuck this. I don't need this.
'Stop playing with that bloody doll and look at me.'
I put the doll down and look up. Susan bursts out crying. She pulls a tissue out from where it's tucked up her sleeve and blows her nose. The tissue is falling to bits and white specs snow down on to her cardigan.
'I'm sorry, Davie. Ever since Lewis, I've always been scared that you'd do something silly. And when you didn't get in touch with me… '
'Don't be daft, I'm not going to do anything silly,' I move across and join her on the sofa, 'I'm sorry I worried you.'
'I was this close to phoning the police, and your mum.'
'Aye, like she gives a fuck.'
Susan rolls up her magazine and hits me across the head with it.
'What was that for?'
'Just because, because you're here and you're solid, and I want to hear the sound my magazine makes as it hits off your solid head.'
Susan makes us both a cup of tea. She shouts something to me through the kitchen hatch. I don't hear what she says over the noise of the kettle boiling, so I just shout 'yes'.
She appears a few minutes later carrying two mugs of tea and a packet of Penguin biscuits.
Fuck the penguins and their fucking parade; all that mattered was the kissing.
Chocolate biscuits. I know that we're cool again.
'I booked our tickets to see Mum and Dad,' she says.
'Yeah, I heard your voicemail. Sounds good. When do you leave?'
'Not long, a week and a half, we got it cheaper if we went on a certain date so I just went for it.'
'Cool.'
'Aye, Mum and Dad helped me out a bit, it's more expensive going in the summer, but Pammy starts school next month, and I just thought, fuck it.'
'How long you away for?'
'Three weeks.'
Her answer's a football in the chest. I feel like I'm being abandoned and I hate myself for being such a selfish arse. Three weeks without Susan and Pammy around. I moan when she doesn't leave me be, then I moan when she leaves me on my own.
'You can still come,' Susan says, 'just need your flights.''Nah, I've told you I can't afford it, plus I can't get all that time off work.'
'I'm surprised you still have a job.'
'Aye, well, even more reason not to go gallivanting off to Australia.'
'I can't persuade you.'
'Nah.'
Susan unwraps a Penguin and bites the end off the biscuit.
Davie put two Penguin biscuits down on the table. It was time to pass on some wisdom to his little brother.
The proper way to eat a Penguin, Davie said, first take off the wrapper and bite off one of the top corners.
Davie and Lewis both unwrapped their biscuits and bit into them.
Next, bite off the bottom, opposite corner.
Davie and Lewis both ate the second corner.
Okay, now you need to put the bottom corner into your mug and sook tea up through the top corner. Wait, not yet. As soon as you feel tea in your mouth, then stop sooking and put the whole biscuit in your mouth, okay?
Lewis nodded.
Right, here goes.
Davie began to suck, nothing happened at first, but then the tea started to move up through the biscuit. When he felt it on his tongue, he crammed the entire biscuit into his mouth, biting down on it. The biscuit dissolved into delicious, chocolatey goo.
What do you think? Davie asked, spitting lumps of mushy biscuit across the table.
Lewis was still chewing, but gave him the thumbs up. A brown streak of saliva trickled down his chin, and his t-shirt was spotted with soggy biscuit. He choked and a bit of biscuit flew out of his mouth and landed in his mug of tea. Davie and Lewis watched it float before it sunk, then they both burst out laughing.
Right, let's try that again.
'Davie, do you have to?' Susan asks, watching me as I bite off the corner of my Penguin.
'Aye, it's the best way to eat one.'
'It makes such a mess of my mugs. And if Pammy sees you, she'll want to do it and she's enough of a midden as it is.'
'You mean you haven't showed her how to do this yet?'
'Don't bother, Davie, I'm still trying to get past the peanut butter and scrunched up crisp sandwiches you showed her the last time.'
I never taught Lewis anything except how to use a biscuit as a straw. That was the only thing I passed onto him. What does that say about me as a big brother? I should have had more time with him. Time to teach him about decent music, about films, about how to cope with being a Hearts supporter, about how not to get a girlfriend.
'You guys packed yet?'
'Nah, Pammy's stuff is all in the suitcase but I've still to sort out my stuff.'
I'm really sorry for getting angry, I'm just really worried now and Colin's been hassling me, I'm a bit on edge and I just really want to see you.
'So, what's that arsehole Colin want?'
Susan looks confused, like she's trying to work out how I know about that.
'Voicemail,' I say.
'Oh aye, I forgot I said that. Ach, it's nothing. I was just worried about you and overreacting. He wasn't happy about me phoning the police the other week there.'
'Well he shouldn't be anywhere near you, or is he too fucking stupid to know what "restraining order" means?'
'Language, Davie. And, aye, he knows that. It's fine. We're going away soon, so it's cool. We won't have to worry about him.'
'He'll still be here when you get back.'
'Nah, he's supposedly got a job in Newcastle. Who was it told me that again? Oh aye, Joan in Scotmid. She heard it from his sister, he'll be away by the time we get back.'
'Good riddance. Do you really believe it though?'
'Aye, I don't think he'd try anything. He's just got out, remember.'
'They should have left him in there. You sure that's all there is?'
'Aye, honestly, I wouldn't lie about it. I know I was a total idiot at times over him, but I'm different now. I've got Pammy to think about and she's the most important thing.'
I hate myself for the flash of jealousy I get when she says that. Jealous of a wee lassie. Fucking hell, Davie.
He wanted her to cuddle him, even though he was all grown up he wanted a cuddle from his mum, but she didn't look at him.
I gulp down the final dregs of tea, and choke on a soggy lump of biscuit which goes down the wrong way. Susan was right. The bottom of the mug is covered in mush and there's a chocolate tidemark.
I run my finger around the inside of the mug, scoop up the lump and eat it, lick my fingers clean.
Astrid licked her finger and ran it across the empty bagel plate, collecting the crumbs she sucked the crumbs off her fingertip.
I feel my cock move and I move my legs to hide it.
I swear Susan's got a fucking sixth sense or something.
'Who was this lassie then?'
'Nobody, someone I met at work.'
'Not Martha?'
'No.'
Talking of which, I should really text Martha. I've not spoken to her since that drunken mess, I should make an effort. Jamesy's right. I don't have time to be the Trackman and to have a normal life. I'm so preoccupied.
'How's work anyway?'
'Not so good really.'
I don't think I'm going to go back.
'That manager, Laura is it? Yeah, she was very nice to me when I went in. Did she give you a hard time?'
'Not really.'
'Have you even spoken to her?'
'Davie, I can't go off to Australia with you out of a job. Phone her, phone her now. Use the landline.'
I glance at my watch. Fuck, the shop's still open.
There you go. I like your watch.
I still like your watch though.
'Davie, are you listening to me? Go, phone them now, for me, make me feel better.'
I knew she would do this, guilt me into phoning work.
This day started off so well, but it's descending into some sort of horrible mess. I can't even think of the word for it. It feels like ages ago that I lay in bed with Astrid, but it was only this morning.
I scroll through my mobile for the number for work. Susan picks up the mugs and the rest of the biscuits. She peers into my mug and sighs, before she heads off into the kitchen.
Could I pretend to phone work? Susan's shadow flits past the kitchen hatch. No, she's eavesdropping on me. I'm going to have to do it. I dial the number.
'Hello, Virgin Megastore, Ryan speaking, how can I help?'
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